Chapter Text
Waking up, I find myself trapped in a self-interrogation. It feels as if I am being shouted out as I see myself being examined from the outside, my arms poked, and my eyes forced open wider—that kind of intensity.
What do I think of him? No, I am not used to friendship, so I must be right. Instead of a fool or creep, I am a loser in need of a friend. Lost in my thoughts, my reality shatters again, bringing me back to my bedroom. I shake my head, trying to forget everything. Showing up all messed up will scare him away for sure. Dressing myself up like a doll, not connected to my body at all. I hold my notebook tight as I walk to school like it is my most valuable treasure.
Far too intimidated to find where he sits, I return to the bathroom—waiting for him. He does come back, but now with a bracelet on his wrist. I point it out, staring at it in confusion.
“Oh, that? Just a friendship bracelet from Bailey. I am sure she can make you one too, I did talk to her about you and she seems to like you!” He seems so happy and full of energy, yet I am there, heartbroken by the simplest thing.
It is foolish for me to assume he has no other friends, never again will I assume something so hopeful. I rip out a paper, acting dumb as I write my message.
“𝑨 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒕? 𝑰 𝒅𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏𝒆. 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈?”
“Oh silly, it just shows how valuable friendship is to the gifter. The better the bracelet the stronger the friendship!”
“𝑯𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒐𝒐, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏?”
“You don’t need to, only if you want!”
“𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐, 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒂𝒔𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆, 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚.”
“Of course silly! You are a good friend of mine already, why would I say no?”
“𝑰 𝒅𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘.”
“Exactly, so take your time. I can wait forever for it, I am sure it will be wonderful ♡”
I softly smile in return, putting my pen away. We part ways, my mind racing with thoughts and ideas.
Later on, I spend my time in study hall researching all I can for inspiration when an idea sparks in my head. Maybe instead of showing off my deep care and gratitude through exclusively decoration, why not words as well? I search for quotes from my favorite authors, making sure all have meanings of care and love.
Edgar Allan Poe was the main author I used, him being my favorite in general. His quotes on affection make my heart flutter, which is what I aim to do with him. I want to see him soar from the joy it brings. I spend all the time I can working on it, borrowing what supplies I find in the art room and using what I already have.
By the last period, the bracelet was already finished. I fumble around my backpack and hand it to Lucas. He looks at me, a bit shocked, but happily puts it on.
“Aww, thanks, you didn’t have to! It looks cute, I like the little quotes it has.”
I sigh in relief, believing it could not be exacerbated. Though, it does turn for the worse. Lucas looks at it during class, admiring it. He looks closer at the words, gasping and turning to me.
“Uh…Hey, Embry? Are you sure this is a friendship bracelet instead of a romance bracelet?”
My face flushes from embarrassment and confusion, shaking my head and writing down a response.
“𝑰 𝒅𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅, 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝑰 𝒑𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒊𝒏?”
“No, no, just the quotes are all lovey-dovey. Very romantic?”
“𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒂𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒂 𝒐𝒇 𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆, 𝒔𝒐 𝑰 𝒅𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅.”
“Allow me to explain- so the quotes of love you chose were a bit too deep, too much love for a friendship. And love past friendship is usually romance. Understand?”
“𝑴𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆. 𝑺𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒅𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒄?”
“Sort of? Basically!”
“𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏.”
I hurry to hide my paper. The teacher surely will not catch us this time. It grows harder to focus as time passes—zoning out and fantasizing about him until the bell rings.
Driving home, I continue thinking of him. My mind wanders as I mindlessly stare out the window. As I reach my bed, I still feel caged by my thoughts.
We are giggling, joyful, and innocent. He fidgets with my bracelet, feeling the beads on it. Without warning, I see it rip, purposefully. I fall to my knees, crying like violent rainfall. My heart feels as if I were ripped out with no care, no shame, and no guilt. A thunderstorm of pain and regret consumes me.
If I did not make it, would he have been happier? Did I upset him? Thoughts rushed through my head, grasping me desperately and choking me.
I gasp, tears still running down my face. I wish to control my thoughts. Maybe one day, I will not be my own prisoner. Sleep did not want to visit me tonight. Only did I fall asleep once I was tired enough to pass out.
