Fresh Pair of Eyes - scrappylittlegleek (2024)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Lena clicked her pen, drumming her fingers against her desk as she glanced down at her watch. It was almost five, two minutes from, to be exact. And for some reason, Lena found herself as restless as ever, bouncing her knee up and down as she waited for the blonde who’d come in at exactly the same time every day that week.

On Monday, Lena had only noticed her for a second. It had been pouring buckets outside and normally people liked to huddle together in the doorway while they waited for it to pass. So Lena pretty much ignored it, going about her work as usual. For a second, though, she’d looked up to glance over at the clock on the wall. Instead, she saw a tall woman with wet, stringy curls and a red umbrella. The woman grinned and waved and Lena had smiled back the way she did with everyone who came in, not giving it a second thought.

Then on Tuesday, Lena had been re-shelving the returned books in the YA fiction section. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed what appeared to be the same woman as the day before. Only this time, her hair was much neater, pulled into a low ponytail, and she didn’t have her umbrella. She was sitting cross-legged in an armchair, deep in thought as she read. Once more, Lena didn’t think much of it as she looked back at her watch, seeing it was a few minutes after five.

Wednesday was the first time the blonde talked to her. Lena didn’t see her come in, but she approached her desk at exactly 5:15, smiling brightly as she spoke. She went almost a mile a minute, a puzzled expression crossing Lena’s face as she tried to read her lips. She held out her hand to cut her off and the woman stopped talking almost right away, this time being the one wearing a confused look. But Lena just smiled, pointing to her ear, then mouth, signing that she was deaf, and mouthing the word just in case she still didn’t get it.

The woman then nodded, making a face that Lena could assume meant she’d gone ooooh , and pulled out her cell phone. After a minute, she’d handed it to Lena, asking about where she could find books on vegetable gardening for beginners.

Now, it was 4:59 pm, Thursday. And maybe it was just because Lena loved finding hidden patterns, even when they didn’t really exist, but she was sure, that in sixty seconds, the blonde woman was going to walk through the door, maybe possibly wave at her, then head back to the YA section or wherever she’d gone on Wednesday.

Lena continued to glance between her computer and the door, clicking and bouncing her knee the whole time.

At one point, one of her coworkers tapped her on the shoulder and shot her a glare. They then said something she couldn’t quite pick up on. She could tell they were irritated, though, from the way they narrowed their eyes and gestured wildly toward her. And when they held up their own pen and waved it in front of her face, looking at her as if she were a child, Lena got it for sure.

With a sigh, she turned back to her computer.

If it was too loud, they could’ve just said so , she thought to herself. But it’s a pen, how loud can it be?

Without even thinking about it, Lena’s gaze gradually drifted back down to her watch, which now read 5:02. Quickly, Lena looked back up at the front entrance, scanning the slow drip of people filing through the library to search for the blonde. But unfortunately, while there were many blondes filtering in, none of them were hers.

So Lena reluctantly went back to her desk work, figuring if this woman was as punctual as Lena was, she would’ve definitely been there by now.

But before Lena knew it, she saw a hand tapping her desk to get her attention. She looked up, grinning when she saw the woman she’d been waiting for. Lena had to stop herself from showing too much excitement, she just couldn’t help the little flutter she felt in her chest. Her theory had been right, the pretty woman had come back!

With a warm smile, the blonde waved and said hi , setting her phone on the desk so Lena could read it.

Thanks for the book recommendation. It was very informative. :) :) Kara

Kara. It was pretty, it fit her.

Lena bit her lip, typing out a message of her own before handing the phone back to Kara.

Of course! Let me know if you’d like another. --Lena

Kara nodded. She took her phone back and waved at Lena before heading back into the library. Lena’s eyes lingered as she walked away. It was at least another minute before she went back to her work. But still, she couldn’t help but hope that before they closed at seven, Kara would come back with another question.

Lena released a breath as she shut the door to her apartment. She dropped her bag on the floor and kicked her shoes off, ready to be done with the day.

Ever since rent had gone up and Lillian had left her hung out to dry, she’d started working more hours than she normally did the past few weeks. It wasn’t ideal in any way, but Lena needed to make ends meet. So she did what she could, working from eight to seven now every day.

With a sigh, she flopped down on the couch and carefully removed her hearing aids. It could definitely be tedious at times. Most people talked so fast Lena could only pick up on one or two words. But they weren’t always accurate as her lipreading was subpar at best, so she always had to rely on the context of the conversation and hope for the best. And unfortunately, not everyone was willing to slow down or write their questions on a post-it. More often than not, all the extra effort left Lena absolutely exhausted.

Lena yawned and set her hearing aids down on the coffee table, reaching for the TV remote so she could flip through the channels for a little while before making dinner. She smiled to herself as she saw Milo emerge from the kitchen, shaking out his head and licking his paw before running over to her and hopping up on the couch beside her.

Lena giggled as he climbed up onto her lap, setting his head in her hand. As she scratched his neck, she could feel him purring against her hand. His eye closed and Lena swore she saw him smile, for once content with her affection. (He’d probably scratch her up later and dig through the trash again, but for now, he was as pleasant as could be, so Lena would take the win.)

“Wanna watch the news with me, Milo?” Lena signed, causing the cat to bat her hands down with his paw.

“Okay, let's keep our hands to ourselves,” Lena signed and rolled her eyes. She picked up the remote again, switching to the news channel she normally watched, deciding to leave Milo alone.

Unsurprisingly, Lillian was on tv again, speaking about Luthor Corp and the advancements they planned on making. With a sigh, Lena went to go change the channel once more. She might’ve been tired from work, but she was even more tired of seeing her family plastered on every single news outlet every damn day. But just as she was about to click away, Lena read the subtitles at the bottom of the screen, her breath catching in her throat at the sight.

“I’m disheartened to announce that at the start of November, I will be stepping down as CEO here at Luthor Corp.”

Lena jumped up out of her seat, Milo screeching as he fell out of her lap. All the energy seemed to return to Lena’s body at those words, a mixture of terror and anticipation filling her.

“It has not been an easy decision to reach, but I’ve always prided myself in the integrity of my company,” Lillian continued, her chin held high, eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

Lena straightened her posture and held her shoulders back, her whole being tensing as she waited for the lagging subtitles to come through.

“And I can say with full confidence, the man replacing me will strive to uphold Luthor Corp to every one of our ideologies and standards.”

“What standards? Racism?” Lena signed to herself with a scoff.

“When I retire this coming month, I will be succeeded by the only person truly fit for this job. My son, Lex Luthor.”

Lena’s jaw dropped. It was like a car accident, watching Lex walk across the stage. He eyed the audience, waving stiffly as Lillian applauded and stood back so he could take his place at the podium.

He hadn’t changed at all. It wasn’t surprising, his appearance or his career path, but still, it was horrendous at best. His mannerisms were as forced and aggressive as ever. He never once even came close to smiling, his hands gripping the sides of the podium as he addressed the public.

All Lena wanted to do was change the channel, to never see his face again. But the sight was so mesmerizing. She had to fight herself to grab the remote and click away to a random channel, hoping to god whatever else was on was better than that.

Luckily, though, her prayers were answered and footage of Supergirl saving a family of seven from a burning building was playing over a reporter talking about her most recent act of heroism. Lena released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in and let herself fall back to the sofa, overcome with temporary relief. Milo hissed as she reclaimed her spot, but climbed back into her lap regardless, still just as desperate for her attention.

Lena sighed and held her head in her head, absentmindedly stroking Milo’s fur as she watched the screen. This, at least, was something she could handle. Something good.

Something she could trust.

Kara had never been particularly great with time management. She had the tendency to leave things to the last minute, always telling herself she could just speed through her tasks so her procrastination wouldn’t be an issue. But more often than not, Kara lost track of just how many things she was supposed to be speeding through. So maybe it shouldn’t have been that surprising to anyone that she was rushing the CatCo bullpen fifteen minutes late to deliver her boss her now cold latte.

Before entering her office, Kara pulled down her glasses, covering her eyes with her hand as she re-heated Ms. Grants coffee as subtly as she could, playing it off by dramatically rubbing her eyes and loudly complaining about how bad the pollen outside was.

“Keira, you’re late,” Cat said, not even looking up from her computer when Kara stepped into her space.

“I know, the uh… the train was delayed,” Kara said and nervously adjusted her glasses.

“The train, hm?”

“Yup. I was waiting for almost an hour,” Kara said with an awkward chuckle. “But I- I got your coffee.”

She set the to-go cup on Cat’s desk, practically jumping back once it was down as if Cat would bite her hand off if she let it linger for too long.

“It’s cold,” Ms. Grant deadpanned, taking a single sip and shooting Kara a glare.

“What? No, it isn’t I just war-- I mean I just bought it!”

“Well, I’m sure you won’t mind going back and buying another one,” Cat said as she tilted her head to the side, folding her hands together as she waited for Kara’s response.

With a reluctant sigh, Kara nodded, knowing arguing wouldn’t get her anywhere except out of a job.

“No, I wouldn’t.”

Kara held her head down as she made her way back out of the office, feeling her coworker's eyes on her backs as she was forced to go back down the elevator and into the lobby. Once outside, she took off her glasses and slipped them into her back pocket, having learned the hard way that if she flew with them on, they would, in fact, fall off and land on an innocent pedestrian's head.

From there, she pushed straight off the ground and flew back to the coffee shop. She landed in the back alleyway, brushing off her legs and setting her glasses back on her nose. And as Kara slipped back into the steady flow of people, she smoothed out her hair and held her chin up, doing her best to look as natural as possible.

She made her way into the cafe, holding back a groan as she saw the line. Ms. Grant was not going to be happy with the wait.

Kara stuffed her hands into her pockets, already starting to get restless. She allowed her eyes to wander, scanning the cafe slowly so she could get a good look at everyone to pass the time. After a moment, she landed on a brunette woman sitting alone at a table towards the back with a large black coffee. She sat with both her feet up on the chair, legs bent over so her knees wouldn’t hit the table.

It took a second, but upon closer inspection, Kara realized it was the girl from the library who’d helped her find the book on gardening. Lena, it was Lena.

Lena chewed her bottom lip as she turned the page of her book, too engrossed in the story to notice the rest of the world moving around her. She then tucked a stray piece of hair behind her, glancing up for a split second as her eyes met Kara’s.

Immediately, Kara looked away, her cheeks turning bright pink.

Oh Rao, oh Rao, she saw me. Abort mission, abort!!

Kara scratched her head and looked around the cafe, doing her best to appear very interested in what was on the menu hung on the back wall. She even pulled down her glasses and squinted her eyes to be extra convincing.

At the sound of Lena quietly laughing, Kara almost broke her cover entirely so she could look at her again. But she stood strong, reminding herself to keep her eye on the prize-- Ms. Grants coffee so she could get back to work. Because the faster she got done at CatCo, the faster she’d get to go back to the library.

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

With a grunt, Lena climbed out of her window and hopped onto her fire escape, Milo following right at her heels. Vines hung over the windows like curtains, causing her cat to growl as he inevitably got tangled up in them the way he always did. Luckily though, he avoided knocking over the potted plants on the windowsill, getting Lena to happily clap for him as she stood over and examined the larger pots in the corner.

Throughout the past few months, she had set up her own mini-greenhouse on the small space, using her balcony to grow different plants and vegetables that she’d been trying to figure out how to genetically modify. Ordinarily, it wouldn’t have been too hard. If Lena had had access to a lab, she probably would’ve been able to do it with the snap of her fingers.

But alas, a studio apartment smack dab in the middle of National City left her with very limited options. Just as she always did, though, Lena made do. This time, by converting her fire escape into a mini greenhouse. Ironically, it was very much a fire hazard, which had gotten Lena in trouble with her landlord on multiple occasions, but she preferred to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. So Lena kept her garden despite what he said and just hoped it wouldn’t result in her getting evicted.

“Look at that, Milo, they’re growing,” Lena signed.

Milo meowed and shook out his head, clearly unimpressed with Lena’s garden in the sky.

“Just because I can’t hear you doesn’t mean I can’t tell when you’re trying to insult me.”

Lena laughed softly to herself and picked up her watering can, carefully making her way around the fire escape so she could get to all the plants.

Maybe I should stop talking to my cat, it’s kinda weird.

Glancing back at Milo, who was staring at her with his one eye squinted disapprovingly, she decided against it, realizing if she didn’t talk to him, nobody ever would.

As she held the watering can over one of the larger pots, Lena stood on her toes, looking down over the edge of the balcony so she could see the streets below. Although she didn’t have anyone to ask, Lena always assumed it was loud. The people walked so hastily, many of them on the phone or in high heels. Cars especially must’ve made some sort of noise. They were so big, it just made sense that they’d cause some ruckus when they rolled around.

Of course, Lena had no desire to hear it herself, but it might’ve been nice to have her questions confirmed or denied.

Lena turned around to attend to plants she couldn’t reach from where she stood, and saw Milo hop up onto the windowsill, knocking over an empty ceramic plant holder in the process. Lena sighed and set down her watering can so she could begin to pick up the shattered pieces Milo had conveniently run away from.

That definitely made a noise.

Kara made her way over to Lena’s desk, tightening her ponytail to look more put together as she stopped in front of her. Lena seemed to be very well rounded, so Kara was determined to match that energy today.

She waved her hand which got Lena’s attention right away, smiling and replaying in her head what she’d been practicing all morning.

“Hello, it’s nice to see you again,” Kara signed, speaking slowly out loud so she wouldn’t forget what she was trying to say, making sure to hold eye contact with Lena the entire time the way the online tutorial had told her to do.

Instantly, Lena’s face lit up. She smiled brightly, doing everything she possibly could to contain her excitement as she signed back “it’s nice to see you too.”

“I learned a little sign,” Kara signed.

Lena nodded with a laugh. “I can see,” she signed back.

If she weren’t at work, she probably would’ve jumped up and down with excitement. Sure, maybe it didn’t seem like a big deal, but nobody ever learned to sign for her. Her parents didn’t want to make the effort-- they’d always told her if she wanted to take part in family conversations, she could get a cochlear implant as Lillian wanted. And years of being stuck in hearing schools with teachers who seldom accommodated her, she’d spent her entire life ostracised from the rest of the world.

But now, someone she’d known for all of two days and had never even had a full conversation was signing real sentences for her. Which meant at some point between now and the last time they’d seen each other twenty-four hours ago, Kara had gone home and looked up videos on ASL for beginners. She’d taken time out of her day for Lena so she could do something so simple but so meaningful, something no one ever bothered to do.

“They’re very good,” Lena added, even though she knew Kara probably wouldn’t pick up on it.

Kara held up her finger as if to tell Lena to wait. She pulled out her phone and quickly typed out a message, handing it to Lena, and rocking back and forth on her heels as she read it.

I’m going to learn ASL in a month. Do you have any books on it? Like a dictionary or something?

Lena raised an eyebrow.

Yes, but ASL is an entire language, I don’t think it’s possible to learn in a month.

Kara hesitated, reading over Lena’s response a few times before typing out one of her own.

I know, but I think I can. I have a very special set of skills.

Lena looked up at her and smiled, unable to believe it herself that she was just going to leave the matter at that as she handed Kara’s phone back to her. Nevertheless, she decided to go with it as she stood up and pointed towards another section of the library.

“What are we-- oh you’re showing me,” Kara thought aloud, not picking up on Lena’s cue until she was a good three feet away from her desk.

Lena laughed and nodded, gesturing to Kara to follow her. She walked a few steps ahead, biting back her smile so Kara wouldn’t be able to see it. After all, she couldn’t let her know she’d gotten so flustered from just a few words in ASL, it would give Kara all the power.

“Hey, I need help finding a psych book for my son, can you tell me where those are?”

Lena stared straight ahead, so focused on responding to emails that she didn’t notice the woman approach her.

“Hello?”

Lena continued to type away. For a second, she glanced down at the keyboard, noticing the f key had been sticking. She frowned and clicked it again, then again and again in a useless attempt to unstick it. With a sigh, Lena reluctantly accepted defeat after a few seconds and looked back at her screen, which was when she finally noticed the hand waving in front of her face.

“Miss, can you please take your AirPods out and help me?” She asked, placing her hands on her hips.

Lena smiled despite the woman's demeanor, putting on her best customer service face as she signed that she was deaf, mouthing the words along so she would understand. But instead of being receptive, the woman let out a huff and shook her head, already growing impatient.

Lena quickly picked up on this, grabbing a post-it and pen so she could scribble down a note before handing it to her.

Hey! I’m deaf, I can read your lips. Just talk slowly and clearly and I’ll be able to help you out.

“I need help finding a psych textbook for my son,” the woman repeated. She dragged out her phrases, speaking so loudly and obnoxiously heads began to turn in their direction.

She distorted her words so much that it was nearly impossible for Lena to decipher what she was saying. Lena furrowed her brow, doing everything she could to focus and try to recognize at least one or two words.

It was humiliating and dehumanizing-- Lena knew the woman was mocking her, she knew she was probably speaking at an absurd volume in a pathetic attempt to get her to hear her voice. It made her burn with rage, a feeling that had been bubbling inside ever since Lena was a little girl watching her family go out to galas parties while she was forced to stay home. It always lingered inside, the resentment she felt towards them, only ever coming to the surface in moments like this when she was met with someone so painfully ignorant that the image of Lillian’s words would creep back into her head, telling her somehow, she was to blame for all of it.

But despite the blatant carelessness, Lena didn’t have another choice but to help the woman. So she’d do her best to suck it up the way she always did, plaster on a sour smile, and try to assist her regardless.

“Are you listening? I said I need help finding a psych textbook,” the woman said once more. She was practically yelling by now, the anger in her expression causing Lena’s heart rate to spike and hands to tremble as she hastily tried to scribble something down on her post-it before more attention was drawn to either of them.

I’m sorry, can you just say that one more time?

“You know what, why don’t you find someone who can hear? Are there any normal people working here?”

“Hey!”

When Lena looked up again, Kara was somehow standing in front of her desk, an exasperated look on her face as she stared down the woman who’d just spent the past few minutes degrading her in front of everyone.

“I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but maybe if you showed her a little patience, she’d be able to give you the help you were asking for,” Kara said sharply.

“I don’t have the time to wait for some stupid deaf girl to sit around and try to figure out what the hell I’m saying,” the woman yelled.

“Then find another way to communicate!” Kara exclaimed. “Write something on your phone if you have to. There’s no reason to degrade her in front of everyone while she’s just trying to do her job!”

Lena’s eyes darted from Kara to the woman arguing with her. Kara’s cheeks were flushed bright pink, her hands making weird and awkward gestures as she spoke. The aggravation in her voice was clear even without the sound, Lena knew she was loud, she knew both of them were. Their mouths moved so quickly, their movements were so sharp and aggressive. It was bad. It had to be.

But as much as Lena wanted to intervene, to make it all stop, all she could seem to think about was how everyone was staring and Kara’s face was getting redder, her hands moving even more.

Lena wanted nothing more than to crawl under her desk and hide away from the whole thing. If she got upset, though, she’d cause even more of a scene and she couldn’t afford to lose her job. So Lena was stuck, paralyzed with fear and confusion as she watched the two people throw words she didn’t even have the energy to try and understand, back and forth at each other.

“She’s a person,” Kara continued. “And just because she’s an employee and you’re not doesn’t mean she isn’t deserving of respect-- o- or basic human decency.”

“She’s incompetent! She should be fired!”

“For what? She-- she didn’t do anything wrong,” Kara insisted. “She’s trying to help you-- you don’t-- just-- you don’t have to attack her!”

Lena raised her hand to try and interject but neither person noticed. They’d defeated her without even giving her a second thought.

As soon as she possibly could, Lena clocked out so she could start her break. She practically ran to one of the back storage rooms, for once not caring if anyone noticed her distress.

Lena shut the closet door and dropped to her knees, holding her head in her hands as she fell back against the wall and let out a strangled cry. It was all so much, so much she couldn’t handle. It ate away at her, the acute pain stabbing between her eyes and in the pit of her stomach, crippling her entirely. They were just so fast and so angry, so angry over her.

Lena shook her head, running her hands against her scalp as she leaned back on the wall. She just wanted to disappear but she was stuck- she was always stuck. Now more than ever as the one place where Lena had finally felt good about herself and her work was starting to chip away. With a broken sob and shaky hands, Lena took out her hearing aids and held them out in front of her, just staring as she cried.

She could still see it, the scene replaying itself over and over in her head. It all rushed back so quickly, Kara signing to her as she came in the door. She’d been so happy, the gesture had meant so much; Lena was sure she’d ride that high for the rest of the day.

With a morose sigh, Lena thought about how she’d watched Kara walk away, then how the hand was waved in front of her face right before the whole thing went to sh*t.

If only she’d done something before it had gotten out of control, if she could’ve said something to stop it. Or better yet, found a hearing coworker to take care of it for her.

Lena pulled her knees up into her chest, curling up into a ball so she could finally hide away. She didn’t even bother trying to hold back her sobs, she let the tears fall and her body tremble, not even thinking about whether or not she was making any noise.

The images played over and over in her head on a loop, taunting her for being so weak, for letting that woman get the better of her. She’d come up short all over again, just when she finally thought she was doing okay out on her own.

And before Lena knew it, the lights in the closet turned off then on again. Lena let out another cry, knowing it meant someone was in the room with her, trying to get her attention. She tightened her grip around her legs, cursing herself for being stupid enough to think she’d be able to escape reality even if for just a minute. She reluctantly picked her head up and wiped her eyes, forcing herself to look back up at the doorway.

Kara stood in front of her, her head bowed slightly and crinkle between her eyes.

“L-e-n-a, I’m so sorry,” Kara signed. “So sorry.”

Lena didn’t say anything. Kara was still signing which meant even after the whole mess, she’d been trying to learn. But as much as that meant to Lena, the argument hurt so much more. It was so stronger than everything else, overpowering every good thought managing to seep into her head.

“I shouldn’t have gotten involved, it wasn’t my place,” Kara said.

Lena looked down as she began to crumble and break all over again. She hated this, she hated that she’d overestimated herself, she hated that she’d let that woman take advantage of her. She hated that she’d thought she would’ve been able to take it, that she’d tried to handle it instead of just finding someone else to help the woman out.

If she’d just been a little more self-aware, it all could’ve been avoided. She would’ve been working as normal and maybe Kara would’ve come over to ask more questions. She could’ve had a good rest of her day and gone home to her garden and to Milo, without a care in the world. But no, she’d done too much and now she was sitting in a storage closet, having a complete meltdown while Kara-- who she’d really wanted to make a good impression with, watched.

“She was just yelling and she was so mean and I-- I don’t know, I felt like I couldn’t just watch,” Kara continued, rambling on as she paced back and forth across the room. “But also, it wasn’t even my argument to have and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have stepped in like that she just-- Rao she made me so mad!”

Kara stopped, gazing down at Lena who was sniffling and wiping her eyes. Kara crouched down beside her, tentatively reaching out to tap her on the shoulder. Lena looked up, still using her hands to cover her tears as she watched Kara.

“I was pacing- I didn’t realize, you probably got none of that,” Kara said with an awkward chuckle. “But what I was trying to say was I’m sorry, it was none of my business and I shouldn’t have gotten involved. I wanted to help but it- it wasn’t my place.”

When Lena didn’t respond, Kara almost got up to leave and give her some space. But Lena was still looking at her, her lips pulling down ever so slightly, forming a frown Kara could tell she was trying to bite back. For some reason, though, Lena didn’t seem irate, only hurt. Her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks flushed bright pink. She’d chewed her lip so much she’d torn off pieces of skin. Kara barely knew her, but still, her heart broke at the sight. All she wanted to do was help, even if she didn’t know how. So Kara got off her knees and sat down next to Lena, sitting silently as Lena cried quietly to herself.

They sat like that for a little while, neither one saying or signing a word. Lena kept her head down, too ashamed to meet Kara’s eyes. Over time, however, Kara could hear Lena’s breathing begin to even out, and her choked back sobs turn into soft whimpers.

At one point, she slipped Lena a tissue, making sure to look around the storage room really obviously so Lena wouldn’t be embarrassed. Kara’s ‘subtly’ worked and Lena accepted. She even gave Kara a tap on the knee to acknowledge her so she could sign a thank you after wiping her eyes and runny nose.

“You okay?” Kara signed.

“Yes.”

Lena outstretched her legs and leaned back against the wall. She tried to keep herself busy by playing with the snotty tissue, doing her best to keep from falling apart once more. She swallowed the lump sitting in the back of her throat and released a shaky breath. She could beat herself up later. Right now, she had to be okay.

Kara gently nudged her, getting Lena’s attention right away as she smiled softly.

“Would it make you laugh if I told you I’m serious about learning ASL in a month?” Kara asked. She could tell Lena was uncomfortable, she just wanted to see her laugh again, even if it was at her own expense.

Luckily, Lena managed a small chuckle and nodded. “It’s not possible,” she signed. “You can’t learn a language in a month.”

Kara pulled out her phone, Lena resisting the urge to look over her shoulder as she typed.

I don’t know what you just said, so I’m assuming you’re making fun of me. But it’s okay, I know I can do it.

Lena smiled, real happiness showing through her tears as she shook her head and wiped her eyes once more.

I’ll believe it when I see it. But in the meantime, I suppose if you need any help, you know where to find me.

Kara grinned and looked at Lena in disbelief. You’d help me?

Lena shrugged. “Why not?” She signed.

“Like… seriously?”

Lena took the phone from Kara then typed out her number. She held her breath as she handed it back to her, breathing a sigh of relief when Kara smiled and said she’d take her up on the offer.

“So, does that mean I can call you?” Kara asked, doing her best to suppress her overexcited grin because holy sh*t she just got Lena’s number!

“Yup, anytime.”

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

Lena pursed her lips, a sour taste sitting in the back of her throat as she approached the bus stop. She ran her hands through her hair and quickly pulled it back into a tight ponytail, watching the road as she replayed everything all over again.

She started with Kara walking in through the front of the library, stopping at her desk, and signing hello. That soon cut to the woman waving her hand below Lena’s face, her angry words, and Kara cutting her off to jump in and defend Lena.

Snapping her spare hair tie against her wrist, Lena’s eyes wandered from the sidewalk to the newsstand positioned just outside the bodega on the end of the street. She drew in a breath and tried to will her heartrate to stop from spiking as she saw herself collapsing in the breakroom, Kara standing over her with that scared and confused expression.

The notion of knowing she’d been so weak in front of someone who hardly knew her was enough to make Lena shiver with embarrassment. A dooming feeling sitting strong enough she started contemplating buying one of those ridiculous CatCo magazines just so she could read the gossip column on the way home and hope it would be enough to keep her mind at bay for a little while longer. If that was what it took to keep herself sane until she got home, Lena would gladly take all of them.

But unfortunately, from an absurd amount of trial and error over the years, Lena knew that wasn’t how it worked. Still, though, her eyes continued to linger, grazing over the title and each of the little subheaders.

Exclusive with Supergirl- page 6… Catch up with the real star of National City fashion week- page 10… More Luthor secrets? Find out everything you need to know about Metropolis’ most notorious family!

Lena did a double-take as she reread the subheader and without thinking, grabbed it from off the stand. She handed the man her money without a word then made her way back over to the bus stop, sitting down on the bench as she hastily began to flip through the pages.

The last thing she needed right now was even more family drama. She’d really hoped Lex’s deranged attempts to kill Superman would’ve been where it ended, but there always seemed to be more seeping through the cracks when she least expected it. This time, she could only hope it was some dumb conspiracy theory she’d be able to mentally debunk after the first few sentences.

If it wasn’t, she’d have a lot of cleaning up to do.

Lena threw her bag to the ground as she all but slammed her apartment door shut. She didn’t even bother to try and keep it all together as she stumbled through her living area, for once glad that her apartment was just a studio so she could flop right onto her bed.

As she threw herself onto her bed and kicked off her shoes, she took out her hearing aids then set them down in the little case on her nightstand, plugging them into the wall to charge.

She thought about the magazine she’d stuffed into her bag as she curled up on her side. It was still sitting there, taunting her for ever being so stupid. How could she have fallen for it so easily? They had no real evidence to back up their claims and yet here she was, planning out her exact escape plan to get out of National City if they did by some chance end up finding out that she was who they’d been referencing in their article.

Lena groaned as Milo hopped up next to her and pawed her in the nose to say hello. Resisting the urge to shove him away, Lena signed to stop it and rolled onto her side so her back was to him. Instead, Milo took that as an invitation to climb up onto her and lay down on her hips to ensure she wouldn’t get even a second of alone time.

The whole thing just didn’t make any sense. Lena was sure her parents hadn’t left any traces, she’d been so careful all her life. Lillian would’ve killed her if she wasn’t.

Lena shuddered, tears filling her eyes at the thought of Lillian coming back for her as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. She pressed down on her shoulder, feeling the firm hand linger even after she moved it away. She could still see the tall figure standing in front of her, the red blazer, and long white hair.

Not again , Lena signed against her pillow, covering her ears and closing her eyes to try and force it all away. But the effort was useless. The images got bigger and brighter, Milo’s fur against her arm quickly morphing into the teddy bear she’d been gripping so tightly that day. It hadn’t been taken away, not that time. She’d even been given a stuffed tiger so she’d walk away from the red face and bloodshot eyes, hands around her waist pulling her back for just a moment before she was torn away completely.

Lena brought her hands over to her eyes, wishing she could wipe it out of her brain as she released a cry. She needed to scream the way she’d done back then. She still wasn’t sure if she’d been able to or even if it had made any noise at all, but she remembered straining her neck and opening her mouth. She remembered the ache in the back of her throat as the hands on her waist fell away and reaching back towards the one in the yellow dress. The way she’d thrown out her arms and dropped her bear, kicking her legs until they were forcefully stopped and her hands were pinned against her stomach.

It was all there, still fresh in her mind as if it had only been a day.

No, you’re not doing this now.

Lena smacked herself in the arm and sat back up, quickly wiping the tears from under her eyes. She was fine. The article didn’t mean anything. She’d been careful, Lillian and Lionel had taken precautions for years to ensure nothing like this would ever happen. So she was fine. She needed to stop thinking, get the red blurring her vision out of her eyes, and get over it. She was fine. She needed to be fine.

She’d tell it to herself over and over again until she finally believed it. Because as long as she could tell herself that was the truth, maybe she’d be able to keep going like everything was okay.

Kara stood in front of Ms. Grant's desk as she received her instructions for the day. The words shot at her so quickly they just seemed to fly right over Kara’s head, close enough that maybe she could grasp them if she tried harder, but still, further then she had the energy to reach.

“Keira, why do you look like that?” Cat asked after a moment of silence.

“What?” Kara asked, awkwardly adjusting her glasses and smoothing out her shirt. She’d spilled coffee on it a week ago but she’d been sure she got it out. Could Cat seriously tell from all the way across the room? Or was she mad because Kara hadn’t been paying attention? Either way, Kara had thought she’d learned how to be at least a little bit subtle over the past few months.

“Not your clothes, though they are very 2017. What’s with your face?” Cat asked as she shut her computer.

“My face?” Kara repeated.

“Yes, Keira, your face,” Cat said. “Why do you look like a confused baby bird trying to figure out where its mother went?”

“Uhh…” Kara’s mouth hung open as she desperately tried to find an excuse that wouldn’t cost her her job. “I was just… thinking about the article from yesterday.”

Why would you do that? Why would you tell the truth? She internally chastised herself the second the words left her mouth.

“We put out lots of articles, Keira, you’ll need to be more specific,” Cat said, absentmindedly flipping through the issue on her desk.

Kara cringed and nodded. She scratched the back of her neck, chuckling nervously to buy her some time as she made up some sort of valid explanation.

“The one about the Luthor’s. You know… the speculation that Lillian and Lionel Luthor are hiding a second child somewhere,” she said. “It’s a good article, I-- I’m just not sure if it…”

She bit her lip and shuffled back and forth on her heels, quietly whispering the last few words so Cat wouldn’t come over and physically bite her head off.

“...Was in good taste.”

“Well, seeing as you’re not a reporter, do you really think it’s your place to make comments like that?”

“No-- no, not at all,” Kara immediately backtracked. “I just think, if we look at it from the other person's perspective, if they’ve stayed hidden for this long, they probably don’t want to be found.”

“That’s the whole point of the article.” Cat closed her magazine and set her hands on her desk, standing up and for once looking Kara in the eye. “Tell me, Keira, what do we know about the Luthors?”

“They’re dangerous… they… they’re terrible people,” Kara stammered. That was public knowledge, everyone knew about what Lex and Lillian had done, about the chaos even Lionel had insinuated before he’d died. “But this other person’s stayed hidden for what? Over twenty years? If they were going to do something don’t you think they would’ve done it by now.”

“If they’re not going to do anything then they have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s not true-- they-- their entire identity could be exposed without them being okay with it. It doesn’t matter who they are, they’re entitled to privacy,” Kara said, having to remind herself to keep her voice lowered so she wouldn’t get in even more trouble than she probably was already in.

It was just so infuriating. Ever since she became Supergirl, people left and right were coming up with theories about Supergirl's real identity. There were countless Buzzfeed videos on it and Twitter threads so long Kara could barely get through the first half without getting bored. Sure, maybe at first she’d thought it was cool that people were fascinated enough to speculate, but after a while, it just became disheartening.

She deserved to keep to herself, even if she was in the public eye.

Whoever this estranged Luthor was, they clearly wanted to be left alone. Kara knew better than anyone what it was like to be betrayed by a parent. She knew if she was in their position, she wouldn’t want to be associated with them. So for a reason she herself didn’t even fully understand, Kara felt obligated to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Even if they were a Luthor.

“You seem very passionate about this whole secret identity thing,” Cat observed. She folded her hands together, tilting her head ever so slightly with a look that sent shivers straight down Kara’s spine.

Does she know? No-- there’s no way, the glasses work.

“I just think if they aren’t hurting anyone, we should leave them alone.”

“We don’t know that they don’t plan on hurting anyone though,” Cat countered. “If they don’t, then great, but if they do, well, we’ve just warned the public. Consider it an act of service on our part.”

“But--”

“Keira, you know, sometimes in this industry, you have to be a shark.”

Kara paused, unsure of how that was relevant to anything.

“This right here.” Cat waved her hand around as she gestured back to her. “This is minnow behavior. Which is fine if you want to be an assistant for the rest of your life. But if you want to make it and one day be a real reporter, you have to be okay with going out there and publishing the facts, even if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“But--”

“ Minnow behavior.”

Kara sighed.

“Fine,” she mumbled. “I’ll be a shark.”

Kara slipped her hands into her jacket pockets as she pushed open the door to the library. She’d been thinking about what Cat said all day, about how she needed to be a shark and now a minnow. It just didn’t make sense, there had to be a way to be a shark without ruining lives. Supergirl was a shark- or at least Kara liked to think she was- and she saved people. That had to mean it was possible to be powerful the good way!

With a sigh, Kara told herself to try and let it go for now. It had been eating away at her all day, and this was supposed to be when she got to enjoy herself. So she’d try to table it. At least for now, so she could read for a bit and try to relax before she went home and started stressing about what work would be like the next morning.

It was then Kara caught a glance of Lena at her desk, her heart fluttering at what she saw. Lena was hunched over, writing something in a notebook with her wavy hair falling down and covering her face. The light coming down from the windows bounced off of her, giving her skin a golden glow if Kara stood at just the right angle.

It wasn’t until she got closer though, that Kara noticed the little sign towards the front of Lena’s desk next to a stack of post-it’s and black pen.

Hi! I’m deaf. If you have any questions, I can read your lips just speak slowly and clearly, or feel free to write it on a post-it and I’ll help you out!

She took a post-it and quickly scribbled something down, sticking it next to Lena’s notebook so she’d see it without a problem. Lena picked it up right away, smiling at what she read, and looked up at Kara.

“I’ve been working on my signing,” Kara said as she signed. “I think I’m getting good morning.”

Lena chuckled and shook her head.

“Good,” she corrected. “I think I’m getting good.”

Kara furrowed her brow in confusion. “Yes, I think I’m getting good morning,” she signed.

“Just good,” Lena signed once more.

“Good morning?”

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, Lena laughed and nodded. Kara would figure it out soon enough, so for now she’d let herself find just a little bit of entertainment in her mistake. After all, it had only been a day since Kara had told her about her insane plan to learn all of American Sign Language in a month, Lena was willing to cut her some slack.

“I haven’t taken my break yet, I could take one now if you’d like some help,” Lena signed and quirked a questioning eyebrow.

“Really?” Kara asked.

Lena nodded. She tilted her head and smiled, raising her hands to say something else. Before she could sign a word though, her mind drifted back to the article. Every store, deli, newsstand, whatever, sold copies of CatCo Magazine. Even if Kara hadn’t read it, she must’ve seen it.

That was bad enough on its own but what if she suspected something? What if that was why she’d been coming every day? Did she even want to be friends, or was she just there to figure out if Lena really was one of those Luthor’s or not.

“L-e-n-a?”

“What?”

“You just zoned out for a second,” Kara said with a nervous laugh.

No, that couldn’t be true, Lena tried to tell herself. Kara clearly lacked the subtlety it took to be a spy, though, that could’ve been what she wanted Lena to think.

But then Lena thought about how Kara came in every day at the same time and always found books on gardening or baking and would sit in one place for hours while she read-- most of the time not even noticing Lena was there. That had to be real. She had to be learning ASL because that was the kind of person she was, not because she was just using Lena, right?

“Sorry,” Lena signed, smiling apologetically as she stood up. She pointed over to a table then gestured to Kara as if to ask if she wanted to sit. It would be so much easier to just believe Kara was doing this to take advantage of her. That was the answer to her queries almost nine times out of ten.

But nobody had ever been willing to learn to sign for her, most people didn’t even care enough to try and read her lips when she mouthed her words to try and hold a conversation. And although Lena had no idea why Kara seemed to want to communicate with her. She wanted to learn an entire language just so she could talk to her without having to write notes or texts. So maybe it was just Lena trying to be optimistic for once, but she was sure that had to mean something.

“So do you just always spell your name, or is there like a sign for it?” Kara asked once they were seated across from each other.

“You can sign my name like this.” Lena held her hand up in an L shape, moving it to trace half of a heart next to her left eye.

“Lena,” Kara whispered as she slowly repeated the motion.

Lena smiled. “Very good.”

“What would my name be?” Kara asked.

Lena held up a finger, signaling to her to wait as she pulled out her phone. She typed something out then handed it to Kara, who let out an ooooh and nodded once she read what it said.

Well, every name is different. Your ASL name would have to be given to you by a Deaf person, so for now you’d just fingerspell it. But when I get to know you better, I’ll come up with something for you.

Kara had to hope her cheeks didn’t turn too red at those words. Just the thought that Lena wanted to get to know her so she could give her a name in ASL, something about it was so exciting. It made her heart skip the way it had when she’d walked in and seen her at her desk, obliviously scribbling away in her notebook.

“Who gave you your name?” Kara asked, changing the subject before she could read too deeply into it and start making something out of nothing.

“My mom,” Lena signed with a sad smile.

“It’s pretty,” Kara signed back.

Lena nodded. She bit her lip and took her phone, typing out a message so she could ask Kara what words or phrases she wanted to work on. But just as she was about to hand it to her, Kara glanced down at her own phone, sighing as she read the text from her sister.

Rouge alien on 7th ave, come quick!

Lena’s face fell when she saw Kara stand back up, an apologetic look crossing her face.

“I’m so sorry,” Kara signed. “Have to go?”

Is everything okay? Lena typed out, holding up her phone for Kara to see.

“Yeah, everything’s fine I just-- I’m so sorry, I really have to go.”

Lena nodded and forced an understanding smile. She leaned over the table and looked down at her hands, fiddling with her fingers as she watched Kara jog away from her through the corner of her eye.

Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with Kara being some sort of spy. Maybe she just didn’t enjoy being around Lena.

Chapter 4

Chapter Text

“What are you working on?” Alex asked, taking a seat at her kitchen table as Kara flipped through her book and continued to poke at the pots of dirt with her index and middle finger.

“I checked out a book on starting a vegetable garden at the library. I’m trying to figure out how to plant my seeds without killing them before they get the chance to grow,” Kara explained. “It said to make a bed of dirt for them, so I’m making space to cover them with a little soil blanket.”

“Did you by any chance get this book at the library with that one librarian you won’t shut up about?” Alex raised an eyebrow.

Kara’s cheeks turned beet red as she grinned, throwing her head back and letting out a forced laugh of denial. She’d been so sure she’d hidden it perfectly, how could Alex tell so easily?

“Lena has nothing to do with this,” she insisted. “And I can shut up about her, I just think she’s neat.”

“Kara, do you hear yourself right now?”

“What do you mean? I just want to be her friend! Is there something wrong with that?”

“Is Lena the girl you’re learning ASL for?” Alex exclaimed, bouncing up and down on her toes with excitement when she realized she’d put all the pieces together.

Kara averted her gaze, her cheeks turning even redder as a smile spread across her lips. There was no way she could deny it any longer, even if she didn’t realize she was doing it herself.

“Kara!”

“What?”

“This--” Alex gestured broadly, unable to form a coherent sentence as she took it all in. “Do you not see what I’m getting at?”

“What? I-- what would you be getting at?” Kara stammered, unable to fathom even just the possibility that there might maybe be some sort of non-platonic undertone between herself and Lena. “I like the library and I see her when I’m there, it’s no big deal.”

Alex sighed, setting her hands on the table and looking Kara in the eye. “You’re learning an entire language for her,” she said as calmly as she possibly could. “You’re learning a language in one month for her. Now can you see what I’m trying to say?”

“Well, she’s deaf. It would just be counterproductive if I couldn’t communicate with her,” Kara stated matter-of-factly. “And ASL is a very good skill to have. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make the world a little more accommodating, you know.”

“No-- I know that,” Alex said. “Frankly, I think it’s great that you’re learning to sign. My point is though, you’re learning to sign for her, not just for fun or to learn another language.”

Kara nodded slowly, still not getting it. After all, wasn’t learning ASL for Lena so they could have real conversations the whole point?

“Yeah, I’m learning so we can be friends.”

“Okay, well, have you told her about this garden you’re growing?” Alex asked, deciding to change the subject. If Kara wasn’t picking up on her cues by now, she clearly never would.

“I did! I took some pictures off Pinterest of what I wanted to do and I was gonna show her last week-- she was helping me with my ASL, but I got called away because of a rogue alien trying to tear down an apartment complex,” Kara said with a huff. “But we’ve been texting and she said has her own vegetable garden. So I don’t know… I hope she thinks it’s cool.”

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to keep talking to her, right?” Alex said, smiling slyly.

“Yeah… I guess I do.”

You can do this. You’re fine. You’ll be fine, just get it over with.

Lena shook out her hands and paced back and forth, watching the dim light above the door as she waited for it to turn on.

She’d spent almost three hours cleaning her apartment, which was a lot considering how small it was. But even so, Lena wished she had time to go back and re-scrub the counters, arrange the pillows on her bed differently, or hideaway Milo’s scratching post since it took up half the area she used as a makeshift living room and surely there had to be a better place for it.

The light above Lena’s front door shot on, illuminating the room and Milo hissed in its direction, leaping off the kitchen table to claw at the wood.

“Milo, down,” Lena signed with a sigh. She gently used her foot to nudge him away before she opened the door, pursing her lips as she stepped aside.

“Your place is a mess, Lena.”

Lena nodded and shut the door.

Yup. Sounds about right.

“But I’m sure you know that.” Lillian stood between the sofa and Lena’s bed, folding her arms over her chest as she smiled at her daughter. “And that’s not what you called me here to talk about, is it?”

Lena shook her head.

“I’m assuming it has something to do with this,” Lillian said, removing a folded up newspaper from the pocket of her trench coat. She unrolled it and handed it to Lena, who hesitated only for a second before accepting. As she flipped through the pages, Lena ran her fingers across all the headlines, stopping when she reached the one Lillian had been referencing.

She gripped the paper between her fingers, beads of sweat forming over the ink. Just below the headline Estranged Luthor, Daughter Confirmed was a family photo, the first and last one to be taken with Lena. It had been a few weeks after her adoption, the formal portrait their twisted way of officially welcoming her to the family.

Lillian and Lionel stood in the back, each stiffly at one another's side. Lillian wore the same sour smile as she always did, one that made it look like she’d been sucking on lemons. Lionel didn’t bother with that. He had his arm wrapped around Lillian’s waist and a hand on his son's shoulder, just enough to show his affection for the family without making him appear soft. Lex sat straight up in a chair in front of them, one leg folded over the other, his expression completely blank. He couldn’t have been older than ten or eleven. He was still young enough that he hadn’t yet begun preying on Lena, who stood to his right. Her hair had been straightened and pushed in front of her shoulders to cover up her hearing aids. It was their last resort to make her look ‘normal’ after she’d refused to take them out. But even so, she’d looked so out of place, her dress almost a full size too big, hanging loosely over her tiny frame.

“How did they get that?” Lena signed, doing her best to swallow her shock as she looked back up at Lillian. She mouthed the words as she moved her hands so her mother might have a shot at understanding her.

“I’m not sure,” Lillian said. “But whoever got their hands on this is dangerously close to being able to give this mystery Luthor a name.”

Lena pursed her lips, glancing down at the photo once more.

“I love you Lena, but if this gets out, it won’t just be me whose life is ruined.”

Oblivious to her mother's words, Lena ran her index finger over the photo once more. Most of her childhood was a complete abyss of nothingness. But for some reason, through all the darkness, this was one thing she remembered clearly.

She remembered her nanny helping her into the dress and shrieking when she tried to take out her hearing aids. She’d hit and pulled her hair, pounding her little fists as hard as she possibly could until she got them back. Lena remembered Lillian bursting in through her door, her face all red as she pointed at her. At the time, all Lena had known was how big her mouth had stretched and how broad her gestures had been. It was probably better than that she’d been oblivious to what was really happening.

After that, Lena remembered the posing. Having Lex move her feet around so she was standing properly. How he’d pushed her hair over her shoulders and covered her ears, then tilted up her chin so she wouldn’t look so sulky and timid.

“Lena, focus.”

When Lena didn’t respond, Lillian tapped her on the shoulder, giving maybe just a little more force than she needed.

“They already have photographic evidence that you exist. We can’t let them trace this back to you,” she growled. “Already, this is going to damage the reputation of our family, of my company. We can not let it get any worse.”

Lena nodded wordlessly. She’d hardly picked up on a thing Lillian had said but she knew by now it was best to just keep quiet.

Subtly, she pointed her eyes towards her mother's shoes. The weak, hopeful little girl that still lingered inside desperately wanted to read her lips. She craved the notion that maybe something good might come from this. But though that childish part of her was still there, Lena had grown up. She was old enough now-- smart enough to know sometimes it was better to close her eyes and avert her gaze when Lillian spoke.

After all, ignorance is bliss, right?

“I’ve had your room at Luthor Manor cleaned out and redecorated. As far as I’m concerned, every trace of your existence has been removed,” Lillian said firmly.

Lena drew in a breath. She slipped her hands into the pockets of her cardigan and balled them into fists, pressing her nails deep into her skin. Quiet hands her tutors used to tell her when she got too excited. Quiet hands so she wouldn’t speak more than what was deemed acceptable by her family.

“Trust me, Lena, I wish things didn’t have to be this way either,” Lillian continued. “But we’re in too deep to back out. So I need you to work with me.”

Lena had always hated that phrase, it was just another way the Luthor’s had tried to suppress her.

“And there’s one more thing, Before I go, there’s something I need to give you.” Lillian opened her bag, removing a medium-sized grey box. “All of your stuff is gone but I found this in Lex’s room. I figured he’d want you to have it.”

The box emerged under Lena’s line of vision, her name scrawled across the lid in Lex’s handwriting. Lena hesitated before taking it, allowing herself to look back up at her mother.

“I have to go now. But please, Lena. Think about what I said.”

Lena sat down at the kitchen table, pushing down her tears. The apartment was empty other than herself and Milo, which meant Lillian was gone. She had been for some time now. Though her words seemed to linger in the air, almost like the ghost of her presence following Lena wherever she went. Perhaps that was why Lena still couldn’t seem to move. Her feet were dug deep into the mud. The earth seemed to swallow her whole, trapping her as it slowly turned into cement.

She sat with the box in front of her. The box Lillian had left that was supposedly from Lex that Lena couldn’t bring herself to open. She sat and stared at it, brows furrowed and lips pursed, just trying to comprehend what had happened. And not only what had happened today, but what had happened twenty years ago and every moment since then that had made Lillian and Lionel Luthor believe their daughter wasn’t worthy of being acknowledged as theirs.

The easy answer was the one they didn’t bother to keep secret. Lena was Deaf. She didn’t know how to speak and from a young age, she’d shown no desire to be ‘fixed’. To them, that meant Lena was weak. She was a bright red stain on their clean image of a strong, capable family. She ruined them. She’d chipped away at them day by day, ever since she’d been adopted as a mere toddler.

But by now, Lena knew her Deafness couldn’t be the only thing driving a wall between herself and her parents. No, it had to be something much bigger.

Lena was sure if it had just been her hearing, Kara would’ve stopped talking to her after that first day. She probably would’ve found a new library too. And she certainly wouldn’t have been willing to learn ASL just to accommodate Lena.

So it must’ve been something else, something about her that her parents found so intolerable that the only solution they could come up with was to completely banish her from the outside world. It had to be Lena’s problem. There was no other reason they would have treated her that way.

Lena saw the way Lillian looked when she’d arrived at her apartment. The shame and humiliation in her eyes. Not because of what she’d done, but because she’d been caught. She’d been caught with Lena’s bright red stain on her hands. And now Lena’s stain, as well as that family photo, was splattered across every newspaper, magazine, and television screen reaching from Gotham City all the way to Midvale.

She was going to ruin them. Just like they’d ruined her.

Lena pushed Noonan’s door open, a rush of warm air washing over her as she stepped inside. Instantly, she got a whiff of fresh coffee and muffins, something she hadn’t realized she’d needed until she arrived.

Right now, all she wanted was a large coffee that she could take back to her apartment. She’d fill herself with caffeine and go through everything she’d taken with her when she’d finally moved away from the Luthor manor. She’d make a list of everything she owned that if found could somehow trace her back to her family.

It wouldn’t be to help Lillian. Lena, though she still craved her approval, was far past the point of being that desperate for validation. Or at least, she’d like to think she was. This was for Lena. Because as much as she hated to admit it, her mother was right. If the public found out who she really was, she’d lose everything.

With a sharp inhale, Lena pulled out her phone and stepped into line, typing out her order in the notes app. Once she was done, she scanned the rest of the cafe to see the other pedestrians sitting at tables with their coffees or meals, some alone, but most in groups. As Lena looked around, her eyes landed on the blonde woman sitting alone by the window. She had a large frappuccino with whipped cream and what Lena figured was caramel syrup practically spilling over the sides. Her table was covered in different notebook pages and newspaper clippings, a laptop that she typed away on in the center of the mess.

Lena smiled, feeling unnatural heat rush to her cheeks when she realized who it was. And before she could talk herself out of it, she stepped out of the cue to make her way over to the table.

Kara looked up at the sound of Lena’s footsteps approaching, grinning when she saw her new friend standing just a few feet away.

“Hey,” she signed. “What are you doing here?”

“Just getting coffee,” Lena responded. “What about you?”

“Work,” Kara signed with a sigh. “It’s killing me slowly.”

Lena nodded, offering a sympathetic smile. She knew the feeling.

“I’m sorry, I--” She wiggled her fingers for a moment, eyebrows lowering as she tried to think of the right thing to say. “I should leave you alone. You seem very busy…”

She drew the word out, hands moving slowly, almost as if to give herself time to read Kara’s expression before she continued. Kara was the human personification of a ray of sunshine. She was everything Lena and her family could never be-- Lena was sure of that already. She knew she shouldn’t be intruding, but something about Kara’s presence seemed to lighten her mood ever so slightly. And Lena needed that. She needed that beam of light.

“I don’t want to be a distraction.”

Kara shook her head, going against every one of Lena’s expectations. She shut her laptop and clumsily began to clear up the papers, shoving them all into her bag as if it were nothing.

“It’s okay, honestly, I could use a break,” she signed with a chuckle. “Wanna sit?”

Lena hesitated and smiled nervously, but after a moment nodded and took a seat next to Kara. Maybe if Kara was the one asking her, she wouldn’t be the one doing something wrong.

“Your sign is getting very good,” Lena observed.

“Thank you!” Kara said, grinning widely. “I’ve been practicing.”

Lena nodded once more. She set her hands down on the table, glancing over at Kara’s laptop.

“So… why are you working on a weekend?” She teased, hoping her smile would hide her ever-growing nerves.

Kara sighed and laughed softly. Lena’s eyes followed hers, narrowing around the sides as if they were smiling too.

“I uh, I’m a personal assistant for Cat Grant-- you know, CatCo Magazine and all that,” she explained, doing her best to sign as much as she could. She noticed Lena’s smile falter ever so slightly. She tried her hardest to keep it plastered on but though small, Kara could see the change.

“Technically I have today off, but there’s this big story going on and I guess now I’m supposed to be helping out with the research too.”

Lena bit her lip, her brow furrowing slightly as she thought back to her conversation with her mother. She had no doubt now that Kara had seen the magazines. And if she was doing extensive research, that meant she probably knew more than what was revealed in the papers.

“Is it the estranged Luthor story?” She signed, wishing more than anything she wouldn’t get the answer that at this point, she knew was inevitable.

Kara nodded. Lena averted her gaze and bit down on the inside of her mouth. Maybe she’d been right after all. Maybe Kara really was just using her. Kara seemed so real but she couldn’t be sure. She never could be, no matter how badly she wanted to.

“Hey, so I started trying to put together my vegetable garden,” Kara said, messily signing along to try and change the subject. She wasn’t sure what, but something she had said must’ve put Lena off. It was easy to tell. Lena was so observant, her eyes seemed to trace Kara’s every move. Not in a weird way, no, Kara almost found it endearing. But now Lena couldn’t seem to bring herself to look at her at all, which meant something must’ve been wrong.

“You did?”

“Yeah. I’m not too good at it. Which is kind of annoying, you just made it seem so easy.”

Lena managed a smile and glanced back up at Kara, a glossy coat of tears painting over her eyes.

“Just give it some time, I’m sure you’ll get better,” she signed. “It can be frustrating but it… it’s worth it.”

“Kinda like working for Ms. Grant,” Kara confessed with a chuckle. “Honestly though, I’m kind of jealous of you.”

Lena paused, taken aback by those words. She couldn’t imagine why anyone would feel that way.

“Why?”

“Because you get to be around books all day,” Kara signed, shrugging as she smiled. “And it’s so quiet there. CatCo is… it’s loud and busy. But the library’s quiet. It… it’s like… like its own little island?”

“Is that why you come in every day?” Lena signed. Her expression softened, an unconscious smile gracing her lips once more. “The quiet?”

Kara nodded. “That, and it’s always the same. I like having a routine so it… it’s nice. And the librarians are cool too.”

Lena blushed and bowed her head, butterflies filling her stomach. She knew Kara was bad for her, she knew she was probably there to spy on her and uncover her deepest darkest secrets. But she was so kind and warm, with a smile that reminded Lena of fresh honey and warm tea on a cold winter day. They hardly knew each other at all and yet she seemed to have some sort of spell over her. And the worst part? As much as Lena knew how dangerous it all was, she didn’t want it to be broken.

“I like that too. But I’ll admit, I never really thought about the quiet part,” she signed, adding on the last part with a laugh.

It was quiet, Kara noted. Almost as if she’d been taught to suppress her laugh. Kara couldn’t understand why though, the sound was so wholesome, so full of life. It made her wish she knew how to make it come out, just so she could listen to it again.

“Tell me more about the cool librarian though.” Lena quirked an eyebrow. “She sounds fascinating.”

Kara nodded. “Oh, she is. But unfortunately, I don’t know her too well.”

“But you’d like to know her better?”

Another nod.

By now, Lena’s heart was pounding against her chest. She knew this was wrong, she knew she was wrong. But against all better judgment, her hands moved faster than her brain and the signs just slipped right out.

“Would you maybe like to come to my place sometime?”

“Really?” Kara asked, unable to believe it.

“I could show you my garden,” Lena signed. “Maybe give you a few tips?”

“I’d love that!” Kara exclaimed. She beamed so brightly Lena could almost imagine the thrill in her voice.

She grabbed the napkin from beside Kara’s drink and pulled a pen out of her pocket, quickly writing down her address and apartment number before sliding it back to her friend.

“I should let you get back to work,” she signed. “But you’ll text me?”

Kara nodded, unable to process anything that had just happened at all. “Yeah, I’ll text you.”

Lena smiled as she turned away and stepped back into the order line, biting her lip and glancing back at Kara for a brief second, the realization of what she’d just done finally setting in. She may very well have just flirted with the enemy.

Chapter 5

Chapter Text

Lena was quiet. Or at least, that was what Kara initially assumed. Lena didn’t talk, which meant she didn’t talk loudly, and Kara’s personal favorite, she didn’t yell. So from that, she’d told herself Lena, all around, was quiet. And it made sense, at least for a little while. Until she arrived at Lena’s apartment and could hear the song Hayloft blaring through the door and all the way down the hall.

For just a second, in the midst of her surprise, Kara allowed herself to tip down her glasses to see what was going on. Instantly, a smile fell across her lips at the sight of Lena jumping around as she cleaned up the pillows and books around her bed. She carelessly danced through her apartment, grinning brightly as she moved. Even without her enhanced hearing, Kara was sure she would’ve noticed the sound of Lena thumping around as if she hadn’t a worry in the world. But Kara didn’t mind at all. If anything, it was honestly kind of adorable.

Kara chuckled to herself as she pressed the doorbell, seeing light illuminate the room through the cracks in the door. Right away, the music stopped and so did the stomping. It only took a moment for Lena to pull the door open, smiling breathlessly as her eyes met Kara’s. She pushed her hair out of her face and took a step to the side, gesturing for Kara to come in.

“Hey, how are you?” She signed.

“Good, I could hear your music,” Kara signed with a laugh.

Lena paused and she shut the door, brows furrowing as she tried to figure out whether or not Kara was kidding. “You could?”

Kara nodded.

“Oh…” Lena’s smile faltered ever so slightly. She kept her hands up, almost as if she was trying to say the right thing but unable to find the correct words.

“It’s not a bad thing. Just an observation,” Kara signed.

“I can’t hear the music,” Lena stated the obvious. “What I mean is with headphones, if the volume’s high enough, I can feel the vibrations and listen that way. That’s why it’s loud.”

“You can feel the music? Like… you feel the song?” Kara asked. She raised her eyebrows, jaw dropping with amazement.

Lena nodded.

“Wow,” Kara signed. “That’s really cool.”

Lena beamed over at her, feeling heat rush through her, building up at her cheeks and causing a red tint to cover her face. That certainly hadn’t been the reaction she’d expected, especially now after she’d let Lillian get back in her head and convince her her every move was one giant inconvenience.

But nevertheless, they made their way inside the apartment. Kara’s presence, quickly catching Milo’s attention. He lifted his head from where he sat, sprawled across his scratching post, and looked up at her.

“That’s M-i-l-o,” Lena signed. “He’s kind of a dick.”

Kara chuckled as she looked at the cat. He had orange fur with brown stripes, it almost made him look like a very tiny tiger. He was also missing an eye, which Kara found strange but still cute.

“He looks nice, though,” Kara signed sympathetically.

“He is sometimes, he’s just spoiled,” Lena explained with a laugh.

Kara nodded. The more she thought about it, the more Lena’s studio seemed to feel the same way Milo did, it was weird, but fitting.

There were photographs, strings of fairy lights, and dried out flowers hung on the wall. Lena wasn’t in many of the pictures, Kara noticed, it looked like she’d taken them all herself. But they all seemed like insight on the person she was, on the people and things she loved.

Then, there were books everywhere. They overflowed off the bookshelf, which had rows of succulents and hanging plants falling over it. Old, worn-out copies of Oscar Wilde novels covered the surfaces of her bedside table and various kitchen counters, an open copy of an old lazily novel discarded on her bed. The apartment was so small and yet still managed to hold so much of Lena’s personality to it, Kara couldn’t help but be amazed.

“So…” Lena wiggled her fingers, smiling nervously. “Wanna see my garden?”

“Right,” Kara stammered. She’d been so engulfed, trying to take in every aspect of her new friend, she’d completely forgotten why she was there in the first place. Gardening advice. “Yes, I’d love to.”

Lena gestured for her to follow and showed her over to the window. She grunted as she slid it open, then carefully climbed out onto her fire escape. Kara held her breath, watching as Lena navigated her way over so she wouldn’t knock down any of her potted plants, grateful that if something went wrong she’d easily be able to fly out after and catch her.

Once Lena was on the balcony, Kara climbed out the window after her, gasping when she saw what Lena had done with the small space.

“Lena, this has to be the biggest fire hazard in National City,” she said, the words just slipping right out of her mouth. But it was true! There were plants everywhere. Stacked with wooden shelves Lena had built herself, labeled with handmade white cards and sharpie drawings of what the plant would look like when it was fully grown.

“How did you get away with doing this?” Kara asked.

Lena shrugged. “Play dumb when my landlord brings it up.”

She demonstrated this by pointing to her ears and narrowing her eyes in confusion. She threw her hands up in defeat, shaking her head, then mouthing the words, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re saying.

Kara’s jaw dropped as she laughed in disbelief.

“That’s evil!” She exclaimed. “What if there was actually a fire?”

Lena shrugged once more. “Then I’ll perish,” she signed as if it were nothing. “Anyways, look at this.”

She reached out and held up a fairly large-sized pot, growing what appeared to be oddly shaped lumpy strawberries. She handed it to Kara so she could explain what it was, smiling proudly at her creation.

“I taught myself how to genetically modify plants. I took the DNA from a peach and transferred it into the cells of the strawberry. The new seeds from that plant had the modified cells, so they made this!”

“A strawberry-peach?”

Lena nodded.

“And you did that just… on here? With nothing else?”

Another nod.

“Wow. That… that’s amazing,” Kara breathed. You’re amazing popped into her head too, but she stopped herself before it could slip out. It would’ve been weird to say that, it was too soon for that kind of compliment, right? She wasn’t sure, but Alex probably would say it was and she proved to be much better in social situations than Kara.

“I had no idea you were into that kind of thing!”

Lena bowed her head and nodded. She sat down on the window sill, watching as Kara took in all the modified fruits and vegetables growing around her. She looked so impressed; like she really did care about what Lena had to offer.

“Yeah, I used to want to go into biochemical engineering,” Lena signed with a chuckle.

“Really?” Kara asked. “Why didn’t you? Sorry-- I-- you don’t have to tell me-- I shouldn’t have said anything.”

But Lena shook her head, completely unphased at all. Nobody was ever interested. The thought of talking about it was so exciting, if anything, Lena had to stop herself from saying too much.

“It’s alright. Biochem was what I studied in college and I planned on getting a Ph.D. in it. But some… some family stuff came up and I realized I’d only be able to afford up to a master's if I didn’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life.”

She hesitated and glanced down at her lap. Smiling sadly, Lena flicked at her fingers before continuing, giving herself a moment to find the right words.

“And with everything that had been going on, thinking about biochem just didn’t sit right anymore. So I went to get my master's in library sciences instead. It just felt right and it… it was something I enjoyed a lot more,” she explained.

Kara gave an understanding nod. “Do you ever miss it?” She asked.

Lena bit her lip, nodding after a moment. “I do. Not like I used to, though. I’d still like to be able to work in a lab, maybe on the weekends or something. But for right now, at least, I’m fine just playing with plant DNA. And I love working at the library and getting to be around so many books, so I’m not upset about how things turned out.”

Kara paused as her mind began to wander. Alex used the lab at the DEO all the time. If only they weren’t so secretive, she wouldn't have hesitated to tell Lena about it. Even with all the cover-ups, she wished she could let her in on it. Lena seemed so passionate about this kind of thing. And yeah, maybe Kara didn’t know enough about her to trust her with top-secret government information, but she wished she could at least give her something to mimic the lab setting she must’ve been used to.

“I get it,” Kara signed. “I think what you’re doing here is really impressive.”

Lena smiled, two dimples appearing by the edges of her lips. She thanked Kara, folding one leg over the other and leaning back against the window frame. Kara sat down too, letting her legs dangle through the hole in the fire escape where the ladder could be pushed through.

They stayed there for a little while, talking and joking until they’d forgotten entirely about the gardening advice Lena was supposed to be giving. Instead, Lena commented on Kara’s ASL skill, amazed at how far she’d come in just a few short weeks. Kara insisted it wasn’t a big deal, that she understood more than she could sign so really it wasn’t that impressive. But Lena said it was. And then she thanked her for learning, offering an expression so grateful yet saddened, Kara couldn’t help but wonder if anyone in Lena’s life actually knew how to sign.

When it started to get windy, they came back inside. Lena made tea and Milo took it upon himself to check Kara out. She won over his approval pretty quickly and he sat on her lap instead of Lena’s when they moved to the couch to talk some more. And once it finally was time for Kara to head back to her loft, she was filled with butterflies. They started in her stomach but flew throughout her entire body, giving an extra bounce in her step when she made her way back home. She wasn’t sure what it was, but something about Lena was just that intriguing.

“--And did you know, she can feel music? She can sense the vibrations of the song, so she can feel it in her,” Kara rambled, following Alex through the DEO main floor. She was still walking on air from her visit with Lena earlier, she could hardly focus on any of the current tasks at hand. “We had technology kind of similar to that feeling Krypton, but it wasn’t the same, we could still hear the song. But she feels it, she gets to have the music inside of her… like… be one with the song. Isn’t that amazing?”

They made their way into the conference room, Alex’s eyes focused straight in front of her. She did her best to listen, but Kara’s words seemed to go straight over her head. With what she’d found earlier, she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy hearing about how Lena got to connect to music in a way the rest of the world couldn’t.

“I wish I could…” Kara sighed, unable to find the right way to say what she was thinking. It made so much sense in her head but out loud it would just be a jumble of words. “I don’t know… it’s just… it’s really cool.”

Alex opened the conference room door, stepping aside so her sister could enter.

“What’s going on? You seem more stompy than usual,” Kara observed.

“I need to talk to you about Lena.”

“What?” Kara asked, taken aback. “Why? I thought we were already talking about Lena.”

Alex nodded and released a breath. She set her tablet down on the table but stayed standing, folding her arms over the chest as she looked at Kara. “I’ve done some research on her. With everything going on, now that Lillian Luthor’s back in National City and there’s talk of an estranged daughter, I just felt like it was necessary.”

“But she-- no-- Lena isn’t one of them,” Kara insisted. “And even if she was-- she should be able to keep that to herself.”

“I’m not saying she’s a Luthor--”

“--she’s warm and kind and she-- she would never hurt anyone the way they did.”

“I’m not saying she’s one of them,” Alex calmly repeated. “All I’m saying is I did some digging, and there’s a lot about her that doesn’t add up.”

Kara lowered her brow and pursed her lips, mimicking Alex’s stance before placing her hands on her hips.

“I looked through the staff list on the National City Public Library site and she’s listed there as Lena Kieran. But when you google her, pretty much nothing shows up. She has no social media presence at all,” Alex explained. “And I don’t just mean she isn’t on social media, but there’s nothing about her anywhere. No pictures, no mentions, nothing.”

“Well, maybe she’s a private person. She probably just isn’t into that kind of thing,” Kara countered. “I mean, I didn’t even get Instagram until last year!”

But Alex sighed and shook her head. “Even if she was, you think there’d be at least a scrap of information on her. All I could find was a Facebook post by someone named Samantha Arias from 2015.”

Alex picked up the tablet and pulled up the post before handing it to Kara. It was a selfie of Lena and another brunette at a bar somewhere. They were both holding shot glasses and smiling, Lena’s hair was pulled back into a ponytail similar to the one she’d worn when she and Kara first met.

“I don’t get it, it’s just a picture,” Kara said as she handed the tablet back to her sister.

“I know. I dug for hours and that was the only thing-- other than her profile on the library website-- that I could find on her, even with Winn’s help, don’t you think that’s weird?” Alex asked.

Reluctantly, Kara nodded. She did have to admit, it was rather strange. But still, there had to be some sort of explanation for it, right? Like maybe Lena didn’t like social media so her friends respected her boundaries and didn’t post photos of her. Or perhaps she kept her online presence on the DL for safety reasons. There had to be something, something to rationalize all the information Alex was throwing her way.

“So, after Winn and I failed, I had him help me out with something else.” Alex turned to the tablet, pulling up another image. “Remember that photo of the entire Luthor family with that little girl?”

Kara nodded once more. “Yeah. Why?”

“Well, I had Winn give me a photoshopped version of what she’d look like now,” Alex explained. She handed the tablet back to Kara, holding her breath as she waited for a reaction.

Kara, still filled with doubt, looked down at the screen. On one side, it was a zoomed-in picture of the little Luthor girl, on the other, the protection of what she’d look like as an adult. The woman shown was nearly identical to Lena. The only difference being her eyes were slightly slanted and her skin was a few shades darker than Lena’s, but other than that, the similarities were horrifying. Winn had gotten every last detail, right down to the dimples by the corners of her lips.

As Kara glanced back at the other side, looking at that girl, she could align it with her new friend. She could see Lena holding up the potted plant, smiling as she proudly told her she’d genetically modified it herself. The resemblance was uncanny, it made her sick to her stomach.

“Alex, if you let this get out, you could ruin her life,” Kara uttered, her eyes firm as she looked back up at her sister.

“Kara, if she is who we think she is, she could be seriously dangerous.”

Kara shook her head. She couldn’t believe it. Not Lena. The Lena she knew was not like the rest of them.

“I looked into her eyes, if she is a Luthor, she isn’t like her family,” Kara insisted. “Maybe she is one of them, but Lena… Lena’s different, I just know she is.”

“But the thing is, you don’t know,” Alex argued. “Luthor’s are master manipulators. You know how it went down with Clark and Lex, hell, they used to be best friends! If Lena is who we think she is and she knows you’re really Supergirl--”

“How would she know? If she wanted to hurt me, don’t you think she’d be parading around trying to kill me like the rest of them?” Kara exclaimed. “I know you think they’re all evil, but just the fact that they don’t associate with their family, doesn’t that say something about them?”

“People can be bad in different ways. Just because this Luthor is hidden, doesn’t mean they don’t share the same views. They still would’ve grown up in an incredibly xenophobic and racist household. We shouldn’t put it past them to share those views,” Alex said.

Kara shook her head. Even if Lena had had those views at one point, couldn’t she have grown? Did she not deserve the benefit of the doubt? The Lena she knew was good, she was warm and kind. She loved gardening and tea and getting to talk about science. She had no ill intentions-- it didn’t seem like she had any intentions at all! How could Kara throw all that out the window just because she may or may not have been somebody else?

“Well, I invited her to game night,” she blurted out.

“You did what?”

Kara nodded. “It’s being held at my apartment and she’s my friend so I invited her. Maybe when you meet her in person, you’ll realize she is not the monster you think she is.”

Lena paced back and forth through her apartment, shaking out her hands as she walked. She couldn’t get out of her head, it had been hours since Kara left and still, she was a mess about it.

She’d talked so much, she hadn’t shut up about her plants and her stupid DNA modifications that probably hadn’t made any sense to her new friend. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, she’d signed so fast, so fast there was no way Kara had any idea what she was talking about. It was a bad habit, she knew that. Lena always signed fast when she got excited. She’d been trying to stop ever since she was a kid. But this time, Lena had simply forgotten to think, so she’d signed a mile a minute, leaving Kara in the dust without her.

And then there was the music! She’d played her music so loudly before Kara came, she must’ve thought she was some sort of freak. That she had no regard for her neighbors or anybody else so she just blasted her favorite songs whenever she felt like it. It was rude and careless, something Lillian would never have let her hear the end of.

Lena sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She bit down on the inside of her mouth, chewing the skin between her teeth.

But still, they’d had so much fun, or at least Lena had. More than anything, she wanted to believe it was true, but what if it was all in her head? What if she’d been so overbearing Kara hadn’t been able to enjoy herself at all?

Kara had invited her to game night though-- that had to be a good sign. It meant she wanted to hang out again, that Lena hadn’t screwed the whole thing up. But even if she hadn’t, a night full of non-ASL-speaking hearing people wasn’t going to be easy. And that was leaving out the fact that Lena didn’t know how to play board games at all.

Because of course, that had to be her luck. She had the only mother in the entire world who banned board games and all other obscene childish activities, leaving Lena the only adult in National City who still didn’t know the difference between Monopoly and Clue.

With a groan, Lena plopped down at her kitchen table and put her head in her hands. The box was still there- the box Lillian had left with some garbage Lex set aside for her. So now, when she wasn’t overanalyzing every single interaction she’d ever had with Kara, Lena was staring at it, letting the unknown of whatever was inside eat away at her.

The unsettling feeling was starting to work its way into her body again. She could feel smoky tentacles reaching within her like some sort of demon stealing her away from reality. If Lena didn’t make a move soon-- if she didn’t make a decision it was going to take over and she’d lose all the control she’d ever had.

Without thinking, Lena reached out and grabbed the box. She tore off the top and threw it behind her. It bounced off Milo's head and he meowed angrily at Lena, who remained oblivious. She then ripped through the tissue paper, her heart pounding fiercely against her chest as she pulled out whatever was at the bottom, her entire body freezing when she saw what it was.

A book? Just a book? An old hardcover copy of The Stranger. Lena had read it in high school for AP Literature-- she remembered telling Lex he was a real Monsieur Meursault. But he couldn’t have known she’d said that, right? He’d never learned to sign so the ‘gift’ made no sense at all.

Puzzled, Lena brushed the box off her table and set the book down. She flipped through the pages, eagerly trying to find some sort of hidden message, some writing or highlighted words. But there was nothing, just a book and the annotations she’d left ten years ago.

Lena released a breath and let it fall out of her hands. There was no point in looking. There was no point in any of it. It was all just garbage.

Chapter 6

Chapter Text

5:00, just as always, Kara had arrived at the library. This time, in search of some sort of research she couldn’t quite explain. She didn’t say much to Lena, just that she was busy but she’d be by if she had any questions. Lena didn’t think anything of it, she said her hellos and went back to reshelving books in the sci-fi section.

Kara sat not too far away. This time, instead of curled up in an overstuffed armchair, she sat at one of the desks, laptop open and papers spread across the table. Lena remained a few aisles away, engulfed in her work. At one point, she noticed the figure of one of her coworkers brush by her, handing out coffees to the other librarians. She set one down on Lena’s cart without a word.

Lena smiled, glancing back over at her. Without giving it a second thought, Lena reached for the cup and held it up to her lips. She’d been working all day and skipped her lunch break, exhaustion was steadily setting in. Once she set the cup down, Lena turned back to the shelf and reached for the misplaced Harry Potter book in front of her. For a second, she felt reality slip away from her, the world washing away right in front of her eyes. With a cough, Lena opened and closed her hand, trying to get her eyes to follow her fingers. But the movement caused her vision to blur, another strangled couch escaping her lips.

She stumbled backward, black spots clouding in front of her. She could feel the ground swaying beneath her feet, dissolving beneath her as she quickly reached the edge of a rapidly deteriorating cliff edge. And before she knew it, Lena was on the ground, white foam frothing at her lips, all caught up in her throat as she tried to push it out.

A strong arm reached under her legs, another lifting her upper back. She could almost see a sliver of blonde hair, a flash of a washed-out, paled face as she was hoisted off the ground and whisked away.

Kara touched down in the center of the DEO, Lena still safely in her arms. She was shaking violently, her skin burning up and dripping with sweat.

“Somebody, help!” Kara cried out, running as quickly as she could to the med bay.

Soon enough, Alex met her with a stretcher and helped her set Lena down, a group of medical staff rushing over to them.

“What happened?”

“I-- I don’t know, she just collapsed,” Kara said. Her heart was beating a mile a minute, hands trembling out of her control. The sensation, that ache in her chest, whatever it was, it was taking over. It was nothing she’d ever felt before, it was human. “I- I think she was poisoned.”

“Okay. Get me 200 milligrams phenobarbital stat,” Alex said. Another doctor placed an oxygen mask over Lena’s nose and mouth, her body continuing to convulse as if she were having a seizure.

“Easy, Lena,” Kara mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck as she listened to Lena’s rapidly increasing heart rate.

“I need two liters of IV saline,” Alex ordered. She snapped on a pair of blue gloves and tied off a ribbon around Lena’s arm to access the blood vessel.

“She’s hypotensive, her pulse is dropping,” said another doctor.

“Come on,” Kara whispered. She smiled sadly, breathing a sigh of relief as she gently brushed her palm against Lena’s cheek. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“Kara, did you see what she ingested before she passed out?”

“I-- no, I- I wasn’t paying attention, it all happened so fast!”

Alex lifted Lena’s mask, leaning forward so she could smell her breath.

“Almonds,” she muttered. “It’s cyanide. Fifteen mills of sodium thiosulphate. How long has it been?”

“Uh, about two, maybe three minutes.”

Alex nodded, assessing Lena’s vitals once more. She was still struggling, barely grasping onto life. “It’s circulating through her. Soon her brain and heart are going to start shutting down. I need to slow down her circulation or this won’t work.”

“How do you do that?”

Alex shrugged as if at a loss. “Induce hypothermia?” She suggested.

Kara nodded. “I can do it, let me do it.”

Alex gave her the okay and she gestured for the other doctors to get back. Right away, Kara rushed over to Lena. She stood over the stretcher and blew a gust of cloudy air over her entire body. It took a moment, but eventually, her heartbeat began to even out and her pulse picked back up. Lena fell limply against the stretcher, the convulsions stopping. Her eyes closed and passed out as her body began to regulate itself once more.

“She’s stable,” Alex said, breathing a sigh of relief. She set a hand on Kara’s shoulder, feeling the tension lift under her grasp.

“Oh, thank Rao,” Kara exhaled. She held her palm against her chest, just listening to the sound of Lena’s beating heart.

“You saved her,” Alex said.

Kara nodded, releasing another breath. “Yeah…”

Lena’s eyelids fluttered open, a pained gasp escaping her lips at the bright light beaming down against her. An ache sat in the back of her mouth, reaching through her throat and extending across the rest of her body. There was a pounding in her head. It was a repetitive sensation, beating against her temples like a drum.

She cringed as she let her head fall to one side, through the spots clouding her vision, she could make out a blonde woman by her side. She was familiar, already, Lena remembered she’d been in all the papers and all over the news. If it hadn’t been for the fog clouding her head, she would’ve been able to recognize her instantly. The red cape and blue suit, it was all so forward, someone she must’ve known.

“Hey, how do you feel?” The woman signed.

Lena furrowed her brow. “I didn’t tell you I’m deaf,” she signed, her hands weak and shaky.

The woman looked taken aback, almost like she’d been caught in a lie, and nervously tugged at her collar.

“I could see your hearing aids,” she explained, her expression unsure as if she were making it up as she went along.

Supergirl. That’s who she was, she wore the symbol on her chest, the same one as her cousin. That’s how Lena knew her.

“What happened?” Lena asked. Really all she wanted to know was how the hell did Supergirl know to sign if she was technically an alien. She was from Krypton supposedly, which would make English her second language, and seeing as being on Earth enhanced her hearing rather than impaired it, there was no reason for her to learn. Unless, of course, she learned just for the sake of learning. But still, something about it seemed off. Familiar yet foreign at the same time.

“Someone tried to poison you, luckily she was able to reverse the effects in time,” Supergirl explained, tilting her head to gesture to a tall, short-haired woman.

“Alex Danvers, FBI,” she said. “You gave us a real scare there, Ms. Kieran.”

Lena chewed her lip and nodded, tears suddenly springing to her eyes. She wasn’t sure what it was, she’d survived, she didn’t need to be afraid.

“The good news is, you’re gonna be just fine. But they had to induce hypothermia, so you’ll need to take it easy for about twenty-four hours,” Supergirl signed. But the news they were all relieved by, didn’t make anything better at all. Lena was still lying on a stretcher in the middle of god only knew where with no memory at all of what happened. All that she knew for sure was a hazy dream about Kara holding her and flying her through the sky, then waking up in a strange room with aches all over.

“And unfortunately, unless you know anything… anyone who might want to hurt you… or do something like this, we don’t have any suspects.”

Even the way Supergirl signed felt off. She moved as if she’d stayed up all night trying to teach herself the motions and knew if she paused between words for too long, she’d forget the right movements altogether.

“I don’t know anything,” Lena signed.

With a sigh, Supergirl nodded and stood back up. She glanced over at Alex, smiling sadly. Lena could see the corners of her mouth moving but her head was turned, there was no way to know what she was saying. Then, after a moment, she turned back around to face Lena and smiled once more.

“I can fly you home if it would help. I know you can’t be feeling great right now,” she signed.

Before Lena could answer though, Alex looked over at Supergirl to speak.

“Kara, maybe you should step out for a minute,” she said, keeping her head turned away from Lena so she wouldn’t be able to read her lips. “Clearly she doesn’t want anyone to know who she is and it probably isn’t helping that you’re a Super. If Lex or one of his minions is out to get her, I don’t think she’s gonna tell Supergirl.”

Kara folded her arms over her chest and looked over at Lena, who seemed almost smaller than usual. She didn’t want to leave but she knew Alex was probably right.

“Okay, yeah, I can come back,” Kara said. She signed to Lena, telling her she had to go, then left Alex and her friend alone to talk amongst themselves.

“So, can you read lips?” Alex asked once Kara was gone.

A nod.

“Great,” Alex said. She grabbed a pen and paper from off one of the tables and handed it to Lena.

“If you can think of anyone at all who might want to hurt you, I need you to write it down,” she explained. “I won’t… nobody will know who you put, just me and my team.”

Lena looked down at the pad, picking up the pen as if she were thinking about writing something down. She stayed there like that for a minute, silently staring and thinking, until eventually, she set the pad back down and looked back up at Alex.

“You can’t think of anyone?”

Lena shook her head.

“Alright then. I guess if that’s it, I can bring Supergirl back to take you home.”

Supergirl touched down on the fire escape with Lena safely in her arms. She wore Supergirl’s cape on top of her like a blanket, gripping the fabric tightly to keep warm. She hadn’t asked for it. But as soon as they’d gotten into the air, her cheeks had turned blue and her teeth began to chatter, so Supergirl took it off and gave it to Lena, worried that if she didn’t, the poor woman might freeze to death.

“You know, all the plants are a huge fire hazard,” Supergirl said as she set Lena down on the ground.

Lena didn’t respond. Instead, she climbed in through the window to enter her apartment, Supergirl following close behind.

“Is there anyone you want to call?” She asked.

“What?” Lena signed.

The hero shrugged, her head tilting with concern. “To stay with you.”

Lena furrowed her brow. She didn’t follow at all. “Why would someone stay with me?”

Supergirl smiled at her as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, raising an eyebrow when after a moment, Lena still didn’t get it.

“Because of what happened,” she signed. “You were just poisoned and you still technically have hypothermia. All I’m saying is, it wouldn’t hurt to call a friend.”

Lena shook her head. “I appreciate the thought, Supergirl, but I’ll be fine.”

“What about Kara Danvers?” Supergirl blurted out, forgetting to sign entirely.

“What? How-- how do you know about that?”

Supergirl paused. She awkwardly scratched her head and shifted her weight between her heels, the mannerisms both oddly familiar.

“We’re… I guess you could say we're friends,” Supergirl signed. “So if you wanted me to call her--”

Lena shook her head once more. It would be weird if Kara got a call from Supergirl, right? That would be the kind of thing, if she heard it from someone other than Lena, that would cause her to panic. Or maybe she didn’t need to know at all. After all, Lena had survived much worse than a little cyanide, she was sure she’d make it through the after-effects of hypothermia too.

But then she thought about how good she’d felt when Kara had come over the other day. How Kara had been there at the library when it all happened, she’d seen her pass out in front of all those people, and maybe she was worried.

For a moment, Lena’s face softened. She brought her hands up to her face, lightly touching the skin with the pads of her fingertips as she thought it over, thought of how she knew she couldn’t doubt any longer that having a friend over might help.

“Lena?” Supergirl signed. She didn’t fingerspell it, just signed it without any hesitation. But they’d only just met, how could she have known?

“Yeah?”

“What do you think?”

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m sure I’ll be fine on my own.”

Lena was curled up in a ball on her sofa when the doorbell went off and lit up her apartment. She moaned quietly and rubbed her eyes as she set her feet on the rug beneath, soreness shooting through her legs. With another groan, Lena padded over to the door trying to keep whatever composure she had left plastered on.

But even so, Lena couldn’t help but smile when she opened it, seeing Kara standing in the hall with a big bag of Chinese takeout and multiple cartons of ice cream.

“You came,” Lena signed, almost unable to believe it. She’d texted her shortly after Supergirl left. She’d told her not to feel obligated, that she’d be fine either way, but deep down, she’d hoped Kara could come either way.

“Of course! When you told me what happened, I… I’m just so glad you’re alright.”

Lena nodded and took a step back, shutting the door behind her friend.

“How do you feel?” Kara signed after setting the bags down on Lena’s table. “I brought food, I just assumed you hadn’t eaten. But we don’t need to have anything if you’re not up to it.”

“Well, I sort of feel like I was hit by a truck,” Lena signed with a chuckle. “But thank you. I didn’t have dinner, so I… I really appreciate it.”

Kara grinned, relieved that Lena didn’t seem too shaken up. She knew she was probably doing her best to keep her brave face, but she wasn’t pushing Kara away. That had to count for something.

“You’re still in work clothes,” Kara observed.

Lena gave a bashful shrug. “It’s still early… I don’t need to change.”

“Okay, well I think you can make an exception after literally being poisoned,” Kara signed.

Lena wanted to argue. It didn’t fit in with the schedule she liked to follow. Besides, Lillian always said getting ready for bed early was a sign of giving up on the day. It made her weak if she couldn’t even withstand a little bit of discomfort to maintain her image. But today, she didn’t have the energy to fight back. So she bowed her head and chewed her lip, glancing over at her dresser as if to ask for permission.

“You go change,” Kara said, her voice and movements soft as she signed. “I can get things ready for dinner.”

Lena nodded, secretly relieved Kara wasn’t going to leave her alone. She made her way across the apartment, grabbed a pair of pajamas, and headed into the bathroom. Once the door was shut and she was sure Kara wouldn’t be able to hear, she released a shaky breath. She wrapped her arms around herself and stared up at her reflection in the mirror, a hollow, broken woman looking back at her.

As she swallowed a sob, Lena brought her hands up to her neck. It was still sore, everything was. Cold and achy, the taste of almonds still lingering on her tongue. It shouldn’t have mattered though, she was out and she was alive, she shouldn’t have been phased. And not only that- but Kara was sitting in the other room waiting and the longer she took staring at herself instead of changing, the more likely she was to realize something was up.

So Lena removed her hands from her neck and turned on the faucet, splashing the icy water against her face. She wiped away the lingering tears and cleared her throat to mimic some sort of normalcy after she straightened herself out.

Once she’d changed, Lena stepped back into the rest of the apartment. Hugging herself as tightly as she could, Lena was overcome with nerves at the thought of someone seeing her like this; clad in pajama pants and a tank top, just moments away from breaking.

“Hey,” Kara signed as she stepped over to the table. “I got you some soup, I thought it might be easier on your throat. But there’s other stuff too so just… take whatever, I guess.”

Lena nodded but didn’t make any effort to move. She just watched Kara make a plate for herself, too tired and worked up to even think about eating.

“Sit with me?” She asked instead, unaware of just how badly she’d needed a friend until her shaky hands began to move faster than her brain.

“Of course,” Kara said. She let Lena lead her over to the couch where they sat down side by side. Without a word, Lena handed Kara the remote to the TV.

She couldn’t tell if Kara wanted to watch TV or if eating in front of it was considered rude or not. But she figured it would be better just to offer it, to let Kara choose what they watched, even if it was something Lena didn’t like. She was fine with that, she could handle the mild discomfort of looking below the subtitles for half an hour because she didn’t have the energy to read a boring show. It didn’t seem to matter anymore. She just wanted Kara to stay, needed Kara to stay because there was no way she could be alone right now.

Luckily, Kara accepted the remote and turned on the TV. She asked Lena if she’d ever seen Gilmore Girls and when Lena said no, asked if she’d be okay with trying it. Lena said yes and pulled her knees up into her chest. They watched for a while in silence, the fun, light-hearted nature of the show making Lena want to cry more than anything else.

She just didn’t get it. The way Rory and her mom seemed to get on so perfectly. The way Rory got to be so happy, how everything always seemed to work out even when she didn’t deserve it. And sure, Lena understood it was a TV show, that what they had was a glorified version of reality-- but she wasn’t asking for that. All Lena wanted was normal; boring, even. To not have to worry that her mom or brother might’ve been the ones behind the attempt on her life, to not have to worry someone was out there plotting to kill her.

“Lena,” Kara mumbled. She nudged her in the arm when she heard her friend start to sniffle, getting her attention right away.

“You okay?”

Lena didn’t respond. Instead, she looked down at Kara’s plate, which was clean except for one remaining potsticker, and pointed to it.

“What is it?” Lena deflected.

“A potsticker,” Kara signed. But Lena still looked confused. “Have you ever had one?”

Lena shook her head.

“Oh, you can have it if you’d like,” Kara said, holding the plate over to Lena.

Lena smiled nervously and reached out, not really sure how to go about eating it. So she copied Kara and picked it up with her fingers to take a bite.

“I like it,” Lena signed once she was done.

Kara grinned with a chuckle. “Welcome to the world of delicious fried goodness.”

Lena wrapped her arms around herself and smiled softly, feeling heat creep back up to her cheeks.

“Oh my-- Lena you’re shaking,” Kara observed, too startled to remember to sign.

All Lena caught was the last word, but when she looked down at her body, she realized Kara must’ve been talking about her. She was trembling and covered in goosebumps, teeth chattering and skin pale as snow.

But when she looked back at Kara, she signed I’m okay, as if it was all the same.

“Are you sure?”

A nod.

“Okay, it’s just… I… I don’t want to speak for you, but you could’ve died,” Kara signed. There was a crinkle between her eyes, her lips tugging downwards as she fought off her frown. “And I know you want to be strong, but I’m here as your friend, Lena. If you’re not okay, you can tell me.”

By the time Kara was done, Lena’s eyes were filled to the brim with tears.

“I’m just cold,” she signed. “And tired.”

Kara nodded, offering a sympathetic smile. She could all but see the gears turning in Lena’s head, see how she slowly processed what had happened.

“But I think I…” Lena paused. She folded her hands together and looked down at her lap. It all just felt so wrong. Her stomach clenched, lungs constricting as she stared at her ghostly, quivering hands. It didn’t matter how she tried to look at it, Kara was right. She’d almost died today. And that wasn’t supposed to happen.

“What if it was me?” Lena signed, her tears starting to spill over.

Twenty-four-year-olds weren’t supposed to be disowned and cut off by their parents. Daughters weren’t hidden away in closets so they wouldn’t bring their parent's shame, and little sisters weren’t supposed to wonder whether or not it was the older brother they’d spent their entire childhood idolizing, who’d tried to have them killed.

People weren’t supposed to live like this. This was the kind of thing that caused them to break, to shatter into a million pieces under all the pressure. That’s what was starting to happen to Lena. There was only so much of it she could take, before long, she was bound to fall apart.

“What if it was my fault?” Lena asked. A broken sob escaped her lips as she looked up at Kara, begging for an answer she knew she wouldn’t get.

“Why would it be your fault?”

Lena gave a defeated shrug. “I don’t know…”

Maybe if she’d done something wrong it would make sense, if there was a clear reason everyone she came in contact with seemed to want nothing to do with her. But all she could see was that it wasn’t something she’d done, it was just her. That she was inherently bad, filled with some evilness inside her that would only continue to grow, until one day, she proved everyone right.

“But it seems like it had to be,” Lena signed, swallowing the lump sitting in the back of her throat.

“No, Lena, it wasn’t your fault at all,” Kara said as she signed. “There’s nothing you could’ve done to deserve this.”

“How do you know that?” Lena asked, tears streaming down her cheeks. “If I didn’t deserve it, why would it happen?”

“Because, I just know,” Kara signed. “You are so good and so kind. You’re the type of person who makes us hearing people wish we knew how to sign just so we can talk to you.”

Lena shook her head.

“And you’re so fun to be around, especially when you talk about the things you like because you just know so much. Even the stuff I don’t understand, it’s so fascinating when it’s coming from you,” Kara signed. She seemed so sure, so confident in what she was saying. It just didn’t make any sense to Lena.

“You’re good, Lena, so good,” Kara said. By now, there were tears in her eyes too. She did her best not to cry as she watched her friend, wishing that not only Lena could believe her words, but that the rest of the world would too. Lena was not like the Luthor’s, she was the furthest thing from them. She was afraid, just like everyone else. Afraid that they’d come after her too. How could someone who carried that heaviness in their chest, that fear that their own family might turn against them at any moment, how could they be evil?

“You didn’t deserve this, nobody does.”

Lena didn’t say anything else. She just nodded, too tired of fighting that voice in her head to say a word.

Kara folded her arms over herself, laying each fist against its opposite shoulder. It was the sign for hug, enough to cause Lena to fall apart at the seams.

Tears blurred her vision as she nodded and made a circular motion with her palm against her chest, signing please over and over again. And before she knew it, Kara had her wrapped in a firm embrace, rubbing her back soothingly as Lena sobbed against her chest.

“It’s okay,” Kara whispered, not caring that Lena couldn’t hear her. “I’ve got you, just let it all out.”

Lena wrapped her arms around Kara and burrowed her head into the crook of her neck. Kara held her close, pulling Lena onto her lap so she could rest her chin on the top of her head. She could feel Lena gripping the fabric of her shirt as if she was afraid Kara might disappear right in front of her.

With a sad smile, Kara ran her fingers through Lena’s hair and drew in a breath, closing her eyes for just a moment. When she opened them once more, she began to hum a soft tune. It was a lullaby she remembered her mom singing to her on Krypton. From years on Earth, the lyrics had become hazy and faded, but she still remembered the melody. More importantly, though, she remembered the way it used to make her feel when she was afraid.

Kara didn’t expect Lena to notice, but before long, she felt a hand lay on her throat. And for a moment, Lena looked up at her, her eyes begging Kara not to stop. So Kara kept going, her smile growing when she felt Lena start to relax against her.

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that for, Kara singing and Lena feeling the vibrations through her palm. But after a little while, Lena had dozed off with her head still on Kara’s chest. Kara smiled sadly, using the pad of her thumb to brush away the remaining tears beneath Lena’s eyes.

“Is it because you’re a Luthor?” She asked, keeping her voice hushed just in case. “Is that why you blame yourself?”

But of course, Lena didn’t respond. So Kara stood up, keeping Lena safely in her arms, and carried her bridal style over to her bed. Carefully, she laid her down against the mattress, setting her down as gently as possible. Right before Lena’s head hit the pillow, though, her hand traveled down Kara’s skin over to her collar. She grasped the fabric between her fingers, refusing to let her go.

“I’m right here,” Kara whispered. She climbed into bed beside her, laying down with Lena still clinging to her shirt.

“Goodnight, Lena,” she mumbled, closing her eyes and allowing herself to drift off too.

Chapter 7

Chapter Text

Lena woke up to Milo clawing at her face and tugging her hair in front of her eyes. She whined in discomfort, swatting him with so much force she accidentally shoved him right off the bed. Lena opened her eyes, squinting at the sight of the sun, pooling in through her window. It gave that early morning orange glow, one she normally woke up too soon to catch.

Wait. Had she set her alarm last night?

Lena was about to reach for her phone on the nightstand, which was when she noticed the arms around her waist, Kara’s arms.

Lena froze, her mouth hanging open in shock. Kara was hugging her, Kara’s body was pressed against hers, no, they weren’t hugging-- Kara was spooning her. They’d slept in the same bed, and not only had they spooned, but Lena had been the little spoon!

Suddenly, Kara stirred against her. She tightened her embrace around Lena’s stomach, slipping one leg in between Lena’s. Lena’s breath hitched and she pulled the comforter over her chest, feeling goosebumps shoot down her arms. Was that a normal reaction to have?

“Lena?” Kara mumbled. “Are you awake?”

Kara’s chin was resting on Lena’s shoulder, through all the mops of hair, Lena could somewhat detect the vibrations coming from her throat. She rolled over so she could see Kara, who laid on her side, watching Lena with a smile just as warm as the beams of light hovering above them.

“Sleep okay?” Kara signed.

“I don’t think I set my alarm,” Lena responded. “I’ve never been late before.”

“You should call in sick,” Kara suggested. “Take the day off, give yourself some time to heal.”

Lena furrowed her brow, clearly weighing her options as she brought her hands up to her forehead to brush the hair out of her face.

“And before you say anything, it would be justified. You are technically sick,” Kara pointed out.

Lena chuckled, she let herself fall back onto the pillow and watch Kara, curling in on herself without a word. There was a rush in her chest, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. It was different from the ache that remained in her throat and soreness in her bones. This wasn’t a bad feeling, it was strange and foreign but Lena didn’t want it to go away.

“Should I take the silence as a yes? You’re calling in sick?” Kara signed, smiling questioningly.

“Maybe,” Lena signed back. It was then she realized the obvious, that she was the only sick one. Kara would still have to go to work, which meant she’d be alone and probably go back down the same spiral as the night before, only this time it would be worse as nobody would be there to pick her back up. So really, staying home was worthless. Work was her distraction, it would take her mind off it all, at least for a few hours. But here, Lena would have nothing to do but wallow.

“I can make breakfast while you decide,” Kara offered. “You didn’t eat dinner last night, so you’re not allowed to refuse. Unless you want to make breakfast, which is fine. But you do need to eat. It’s very important.”

“I know, I’ll eat,” Lena signed. “I just want to stay like this for a little while longer.”

Without giving it a second thought, she inched closer to Kara, laying her head beside her. Kara smiled, she brushed her leg against Lena’s and reached out, tucking a stray piece of her hair out of her face.

“Does that mean you’re staying home?” Kara signed.

Lena bit her lip, nodding after a moment. She let her hand find its way to Kara’s and intertwined their fingers, focusing on how soft Kara’s body felt against hers. She’d never taken a day off before, maybe she could give herself a minute to relax. If only for today.

“Maybe,” she teased. “You’ll stay here?”

Kara giggled, her cheeks turning bright red.

“Yes, of course,” she signed.

With a grin, Lena allowed herself to take a risk just this once. She draped her arm over Kara’s stomach, stopping for a moment to see if she’d gone too far. But Kara pulled her closer. She smiled softly, cupping Lena’s cheek in her palm and brushing over the spot by her nose with her thumb. Lena gave a hum of approval and rested her head on Kara’s chest, laughing loudly when Kara rolled them both back onto their sides so she could spoon her again.

“You have the prettiest laugh,” Kara said, tightening her arms around Lena’s waist. Their bodies pressed against one another perfectly, like pieces of a puzzle that slid together without any effort at all. “It’s like… I don’t know. Just so joyful and so nice.”

Of course, Lena didn’t notice the words as she settled down against her friend, but Kara didn’t mind. After the night they’d had, all she wanted was to know Lena was finally happy. And from the looks of things, it seemed as though her wish was coming true.

“Can I ask you something?” Kara signed. She sat at the table with Lena, plates of pancakes and syrup in front of them.

“Yeah, of course,” Lena signed, taking a sip of her coffee. The light shining through the windows gave Kara’s eyes the slightest twinkle. Almost an unhuman like glow. Lena couldn’t help but wonder if it had always been there, only she’d never noticed before now.

“It’s kind of dumb, but is there anything you can hear?” Kara asked. “Like… with the hearing aids, do they do anything?”

Lena hesitated.

“I’m sorry if that’s rude, I- I was just wondering. You don’t have to answer if it’s weird,” Kara added, chuckling nervously with the hope she hadn’t just overstepped a boundary.

But Lena shook her head, completely unbothered. Maybe someone else would’ve minded being asked, she couldn’t be sure, she hadn’t known enough Deaf people in her life to figure out the consensus. From what she knew, though, was that nobody ever seemed interested in this kind of thing.

With Lillian and Lionel, they’d all but written across her forehead can’t hear, don’t interact and that was that. Even with all the doctor's visits to get her fitted for hearing aids and determine her prescription, Lena wasn’t sure if they ever really knew what was going on. Her own parents never cared enough to ask. But Kara did. And to Lena, that meant so much.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” she signed. “I can’t hear anything at all without them. With them in, I still can’t hear much… just things like sirens and fireworks. Big noises like that.”

Kara nodded. “So no voices?”

“No voices,” Lena confirmed. “That’s why when I’m home I don’t really use hearing aids. They’re just kind of pointless if I’m inside alone.”

Kara nodded once more. “Do you… do you ever wish you could hear?”

Lena shrugged, offering a small smile. “Some things. Like… my friend Sam, she said rain makes this noise when it hits the ground, like… like a splatter? And I can feel it when Milo purrs against me, but I read that makes noise too, so things like that might be nice to hear. And music, perhaps. But I love the way I listen to music now… when I feel the vibrations, I can almost feel the song, and hearing people don’t get that. I suppose I really can’t say.”

She bit her lip, tilting her head as she looked at Kara. “A lot of things though… I don’t know if they have sound or not. Nobody ever taught me growing up, so I think if by some scientific miracle, I could one day fully hear again, it would probably be way too much.”

“Yeah,” Kara agreed. “It can be overwhelming hearing everything. Honestly, I think sometimes I’m jealous of you… just because you don’t have to deal with it. And I- I know it can’t always be easy for you either, but there are definitely times I wished my hearing wasn’t as good as it is.”

“It seems like it would be stressful,” Lena signed with a chuckle.

Kara was about to respond when she noticed the copy of The Stranger, which still hadn’t been moved from its spot in the center of the table. She picked it up, looked over the cover, then beamed over at Lena.

“Hey, my sister has this book,” she said with a laugh as she pointed to the cover. “She read it in college, she used to be obsessed!”

Lena smiled awkwardly. She took a large gulp of her coffee, watching out of the corner of her eye as Kara examined the cover, basking in existential nostalgia.

“It’s my copy from high school,” Lena signed after putting the mug back down. “You can flip through if you’d like, I’m pretty sure it’s covered in old annotations.”

Normally, Lena wouldn’t just let Kara go through a present from Lex, especially since his idea of a present, more often than not, was some sort of explosive. But this seemed like it must’ve been different. The book didn’t blow up and even after extensive searching and analysis, Lena hadn’t been able to find any hidden messages or signals. So there couldn’t be any harm in letting Kara take a look. And maybe if she reacted strangely, Lena would know for sure whether or not she was just a spy. So opening up could work in her favor, at least today it might.

“This is weird,” Kara mumbled after a moment. Lena furrowed her brow, unable to detect what she was saying.

She held up the book to her eye line and shook it, stopping when Lena reached out across the table and grabbed her wrist.

“Sorry, it just sounds like there’s something inside,” Kara signed.

“Inside?” Lena signed, pursing her lips. How could there be something inside-- it was a book, the cover was hard but not large enough to smuggle anything inside. And the book was almost ten years old-- it was falling apart at the seams, even if it was big enough, the extra weight would’ve broken it.

But Kara nodded, confirming what she’d said. Puzzled, Lena let go of her arm so she could sign, and folded her arms over her chest.

“It sounds like there’s something in the cover,” Kara explained. “It’s like, jiggling around in there.”

Without a word, Lena got up and pulled a drawer out of the counter. She grabbed a knife and stood over the table, opening the book, and cutting a line straight through the inside of the front cover. The knife clattered as Lena dropped it against the table, she grabbed the book, then tore the paper off the cover with her hands.

“It’s…”

Lena paused, her expression faltering when she pulled out a bronze key.

“A key?” Kara said, a crinkle appearing between her eyes.

Lena turned it over in her hand, running her index finger against the ridges. There was no inscription, no numbers, or anything like that. No indicators of what it was supposed to open, or if it even opened anything at all.

“It’s probably nothing,” Lena signed with a nervous chuckle. She slipped the key into the pocket of her pajama pants, doing her best to keep her smile up so Kara wouldn’t suspect anything. “Just a key.”

Lena sat at her table, sharpie in one trembling hand, a large iced coffee in the other. Kara had left a few hours ago, called away on some family matter she couldn’t get out of. Or at least, that's what she said.

Before she’d gone, she’d made sure Lena was alright, making her promise that she’d try to relax and eat something else before the day ended. And Lena agreed, texting Kara a picture of the Big Belly Burger she ordered for lunch with the caption jealous ;) before putting her phone in her sock drawer so it wouldn’t distract her.

Now, she stayed at the table, the key and copy of The Stranger open in front of her, rereading as if she were a high schooler cramming for their AP Literature final.

During her first few weeks at the Home, she used to cry a good deal. But that was only because she hadn't settled down. After a month or two she'd have cried if she'd been told to leave the Home. Because this, too, would have been a wrench.

Lena paused, drawing a star next to the line. It was highlighted in yellow ink, but Lena couldn’t remember annotating it. Maybe it was too insignificant to recall, but she’d had a particular color-coding system in high school, and that particular phrase wouldn’t have fallen into one of her categories that determined something worthy of being highlighted.

And not only that, but she was pretty sure she’d never used yellow highlighters before. She thought the color was basic and didn’t fit with the theme of her other markers. It was too bright and ugly, it would stand out like a sore thumb against her pastel pinks and blues. Sure, it was obsessive to think like that, perhaps. But in instances like this, it came in useful. Lena was certain she hadn’t made that mark.

During her first few weeks at the Home, she used to cry a good deal.

Lena furrowed her brow, underlining the words.

She cries all the time, it’s been weeks!

When Lena first started learning how to lip-read, it was by attaching the letters and words in her picture books to the shapes on her tutor's mouth when they read to her. Once she got good enough to decipher multiple words in a phrase, Lena would stand on the staircase towering over the bottom floor of the Luthor manor and poke her head between the banister bars, reading identifying the shapes when her parents spoke to read what they were saying.

Though she couldn’t remember individual things they said, the general theme was always the same. It was always about her. Complaining about her, how needy she was, how often she got upset, and how she still missed her mother. Lena wasn’t sure when it was, but she remembered one day finally putting together the pieces, realizing that months had passed and they still hated her. It was then she’d learned not to let her curiosity get the better of her, that it would always result in her getting hurt.

As she stared at the torn-up cover and pages, Lena couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she should’ve tried a little harder. Maybe if she had, things wouldn’t be so confusing now.

She put her head in her hands, exhaling as she closed her eyes and tried to think back as far as she could.

She remembered the hands around her waist, dropping her bear, and trying with everything she had in her to scream for help. If she went back even further, she saw what she imagined to be her mother, a figure that after all those years, she could hardly picture at all. She saw papers, so many papers. She remembered learning her first sign, cupcake.

Her mom had held one out to her and signed the word, a motion she could no longer remember. Lena remembered reaching for it and her mother pulling the sweet away, not letting her have a bite until she signed it back. And she remembered being so happy when she finally got it right, how her mom had given her the cupcake and she smashed her face into it. Her mom had picked her up and spun her around while Lena shoved fistfuls of chocolate cake into her mouth, getting crumbs and pink frosting everywhere.

Lena smiled bitterly, feeling her eyes well up with tears. Quickly, she wiped them away and drew in another breath. She wished she still knew the signs her mother had taught her. She wished she remembered more than just scattered papers and frosted cupcakes. Or that she had more than a ten-year-old book and miscellaneous key to help her find her way.

At this point, all she knew was what had been revealed on the news and in random magazines. Lex was taking over Luthor Corp and now there was another major scandal. A hidden daughter, shielded from the public for reasons unknown, even by Lena herself at times.

It was all right there, sitting right in front of her. And yet Lena couldn’t have been more confused.

Chapter 8

Chapter Text

“I swear, one of these days, Cat Grant is just-- she’s seriously going to push me over the edge,” Kara grumbled, shaking her head as she shut the cabinet door with just a little too much force. Work had been exhausting, to say the least- one day filled with more assignments than she was used to competing in a week and a whole slew of critiques to go along with each one.

Groaning, Kara set the plates she’d taken on her table, watching the way Alex’s expression changed at her movement.

“Every time I try to bring up my opinion about anything she shuts me down,” Kara continued, avoiding Alex’s gaze to go and grab more silverware. “It’s like, I have no voice at all when I’m there. And I know I’m an assistant and I’m bottom of the food chain but the way she treats me-- it-- it’s dehumanizing!”

“I know, I get where you’re coming from, but Kara, you’re not a reporter,” Alex said in hopes she’d reach the rational side of her sister. “And I don’t think you have bad intentions but if you’re criticizing her work, it might just come across as speaking out of turn.”

“Then how am I supposed to speak?” Kara asked. “Because it seems like everyone could care less about what I think. It doesn’t matter how I phrase it, it’s like… none of them have any respect for me. I speak in turn and it doesn’t matter, they just-- they don’t care!”

She drew in a breath, pacing to the other end of the room to let out some of the steam which by now, was all but coming out of her ears.

“And I know I should expect it but Ms. Grant keeps telling me I need to speak up, she keeps saying I’m never going to make it if I don’t share my thoughts,” she continued. “So I’m trying to listen and do the right thing. But then she goes and shuts me down whenever I say a word.”

“But I thought you didn’t like the attention,” Alex said, folding her hands together. “You always liked keeping a low profile, even when we were kids. I thought-- wasn’t this job supposed to help you keep laying low?”

Kara shrugged and released a frustrated huff. “I thought so too. But I’m not a kid anymore, I don’t want to be a scared little girl. So I try- I try everything to get it right but whenever I keep quiet she compares me to a minnow or some sort of other small, helpless animal and when I talk I get yelled at. It’s like no matter what I do, I’m wrong.”

She set her hands down on the table and leaned forward, shifting her weight between her legs. As she looked down, Kara replayed the events in her head once more. It was all just so humiliating. It sat inside of her, that heavy reminder that it didn’t matter what happened, Kara Danvers would always be subpar.

Kara wished she could swallow the feeling. She wished there was something- anything she could do to make it all go away. Every conversation they had; Cat chewed her up and spit her back out as if she were nothing. And Kara had done everything, she tried staying quiet, she tried voicing her opinion when she knew Cat and everyone else was in the wrong. But nothing worked.

“I’m just-- I’m over it, Alex. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Kara, I know this isn’t easy, but working under Cat Grant-- this has been your dream for so long,” Alex said softly. “Are you really ready to give it up?”

Kara didn’t respond.

“Is this-- this is about the Lena thing, isn’t it?” Alex exclaimed, the realization smacking her square in the face.

“What?”

“The series of hidden Luthor articles, I mean,” she clarified. “You’ve been lobbying her about it for so long, this is what you’re upset about now, isn’t it?”

“Yeah trying to lobby her,” Kara retorted. She ran her hands through her hair, pulling it back into a low ponytail. She could feel the strands touching the sides of her neck, poking her and sending strikes of mocking electricity through her skin. She needed to get it out before it drove her insane.

“And it’s not because of Lena, it’s because I know I’m right and nobody cares about what I have to say because it’s coming from Kara Danvers.”

“Who else would--”

“Supergirl. If it was coming from Supergirl, Cat and all her followers would listen. I swear they take my word like the gospel when I’m Supergirl.”

Kara scoffed and shook her head. They both knew the double standard, that if she spoke out as Supergirl all the production of those articles would be stopped. They would never bully Supergirl the way they did Kara Danvers; because that was it, it wasn’t just constructive feedback anymore. This was the same kind of torment she’d faced throughout middle school for being the awkward new kid who didn’t understand social cues and broke down at the sound of the bell. This was the weird looks and silent treatment she’d gotten in high school when she started to ramble about her special interest to fill the awkward silence between her classmates.

This wasn’t how being an assistant was supposed to work, this wasn’t how being Supergirl was supposed to work. It was all wrong.

“When I’m Supergirl, everyone cares about what I have to say. People listen-- they respect me!”

“But that’s different,” Alex said. “Supergirl is this… she’s a beacon of hope. She--”

“So then what does that make Kara Danvers?” Kara said sharply.

“Kara, you didn’t let me finish.”

“Well, you said it yourself, people respect Supergirl for a reason. She inspires people, she-- she’s a hero!”

“But that doesn’t make Kara Danvers any less significant,” Alex exclaimed. She held her hand out across the table, but Kara pulled away. She folded her arms across her chest, shaking her head as she pursed her lips together.

“If that was true, people would respect Kara Danvers.”

“Kara, people respect you.”

“Really? Because when I’m Kara nobody seems to give a damn about anything I have to say,” Kara retorted.

“I care about what you have to say! And I’m trying to listen but I- where is all this coming from? You never get upset like this, it’s just hard to understand, but I- I swear I am listening to you, Kara.”

Kara tightened her jaw and looked down at the ground, staring daggers into the floor as the weight of her words began to set in. She didn’t feel bad about what she said, she knew it was true. It was the thought that she might’ve hurt her sister that caused that twinge in her chest.

“Just because Supergirl is popular doesn’t mean Kara Danvers isn’t still important,” Alex said. “Kara Danvers is my sister and quite frankly, my favorite person. She has saved me more times than Supergirl ever could and I would not trade her for the world.”

Kara shifted her gaze, allowing herself to meet Alex’s eyes.

“Yeah, well, you’re the only one who seems to think that way,” she said quietly.

Alex opened her mouth to argue, but before she could speak, the doorbell rang, echoing off the walls of the loft.

Kara sighed as she tilted her glasses down below her nose to see who it was.

“Maggie’s here,” she mumbled after a moment. “Let’s just forget about it.”

“Kara…”

“We can talk about it later, okay? Right now, I just wanna get this over with.”

“Hey, guys!” Kara called out, waving to all of her friends. Lena stood awkwardly in the doorway, arms wrapped around her stomach. “Lena’s here!”

Lena scratched her head, her eyes darting from person to person. Were they looking at her? It felt like they were looking at her.

“Come on, come in,” Kara signed with a warm smile. She reached out, offering Lena her hand, and led her inside the loft so she could introduce her to everyone. As she adjusted her posture, Kara couldn’t help but feel that same ache in her chest as she’d had earlier. But she did her best to suppress it. Game night was her idea, she couldn’t ruin it for Lena or anyone else for that matter.

With a nervous smile, Lena turned to the group, a chorus of hi’s and nice to meet you’s she quite couldn’t pick up on erupting from them. She looked back at Kara, hoping her apprehension wasn’t too clear.

“I know her,” Lena signed and subtly tilted her head towards Alex. “She saved my life.”

Kara nodded. “Yeah, that’s my sister A-l-e-x, she--”

“Works for the F-B-I?” Lena finished.

As Kara nodded once more, Lena couldn’t help the wave of relief that crashed over her. It hit right at the confirmation that Alex was Kara’s sister not her-- no, why would she even care about that? It didn’t matter! Kara could date whoever, it didn’t affect her, why should she mind at all? They were friends, only friends. And as far as Lena’s history with people went, she needed to be grateful for what she had.

“This is her girlfriend M-a-g-g-i-e,” Kara continued, signing along as she spoke. “My friend J-a-m-e-s, and my other friend, W-in-n.”

With an awkward smile, Lena simply signed hello once more and let Kara guide her into the living room.

“Oh, what’s that?” Kara signed then gestured to the newspaper in Lena’s hand.

“Just a paper, I like reading on the bus.”

Kara made space for Lena beside her on the couch while Alex got to setting up the game. Lena could tell already they’d started talking and their voices were overlapping, which meant there really was no point in attempting to lip read.

So instead, she took the moment to take in Kara’s apartment. It was big, much bigger than her own, but still so cozy. The first thing she noticed was the easels pushed up against the walls. Next to them, under white tarps, were what she assumed to be canvases. Lena tried to imagine what Kara would paint, maybe sunny landscapes or smiling people. She’d have to ask about it later. Next to those, were pots of plants from the vegetable garden Kara had been trying to start. There were patches of dirt scattered around the ground, like the tracks of mud Milo always brought in.

After a moment, Lena felt a tap on her shoulder. It pulled her out of her thoughts, the real world hitting her in the face when she saw Kara watching her, a subtle smile crossing her lips.

“Pizza?” Kara signed.

“Yeah, okay,” Lena signed, smiling in return.

Kara shook her hands excitedly as she hopped off the couch and jogged over to the kitchen.

“So, Lena, it seems like you’ve bounced back pretty fast,” Alex commented, taking a sip of her beer.

But Lena remained oblivious, still distracted as she watched Kara.

“Maybe tap her?” Maggie suggested, keeping her voice low just in case.

“Isn’t that rude?” Alex asked.

Maggie shrugged. “It seems like it would be worse to just wave your hand in front of her face.”

“Yeah, just tap her. She won’t mind,” Winn interjected.

“I guess,” Alex said with a nod. “And Kara tapped her, so I can tap her, right?”

“Well, Kara knows her,” Maggie pointed out. “You’re still a stranger, so it might be weird.”

“Hey, does she look familiar to anyone else?” James asked, folding his arms over his chest.

It was then that Lena turned back around and caught the entire group all wearing very deer in the headlight's esque looks.

“What?” She signed, raising an eyebrow.

“Guys, I’ve got pizza!” Kara called out, holding the box over her head. She looked directly at Lena as she spoke. And once the box was on the table, everyone eagerly began reaching for a slice.

“Okay, what should we start with?” Maggie asked with a mouth full of food. “Personally, I think charades because now that we have a new person, someone other than the Danvers sisters might win.”

Neither Alex nor Kara said a thing to that. They just exchanged awkward glances, causing an uncomfortable silence to settle across the room.

“K-a-r-a, what’s she saying?” Lena signed after a moment, unknowingly breaking the tension.

“Oh, M-a-g-g-i-e wants to play…” Kara hesitated, glancing down at her hands. Was there a sign for charades? Lena had said some obscure words didn’t have signs. She’d mentioned making up signs for words she didn’t know as a child that she still accidentally used as an adult at times. Maybe this was just one of those words that didn’t have a sign

“C-h-a… c-h-a-r… you know the game where you act things out?”

Lena’s eyes narrowed as she tried to put the pieces together. She knew the game Kara was referring to but she couldn’t say she’d ever played. Or that she even knew how to play. But just the same, she nodded, not wanting to interfere with the group’s energy any more than she already had.

“Sorry, can you… where’s the bathroom?” She signed after a second. She hadn’t meant to say anything at all, the nerves had just got the best of her-- she needed to get away. And maybe if Lena was smart about it, she’d be able to figure things out on her own before she came back.

“Right down there,” Kara said, pointing to the hall behind them. “It’s the first door.”

Lena nodded and stood up. “Thanks, I’ll be right back.”

“Where’s she going?” Maggie asked as she walked away. “Did we say something?”

Kara shook her head. “No, I- I think she’s just using the bathroom,” she said. “I’m sure everything’s fine.”

Lena locked the bathroom door and turned the cold water knob on the sink. She wanted to think about the game, figure out how the hell she’d get through the night without ruining everything, and get back into the living room before everyone started to wonder what she was doing. But she couldn’t get her mind to turn off.

Alex worked for the FBI. That meant she had to know something. Best case scenario was surface-level information but with the resources she had and Lena’s luck, there was no way Alex wouldn’t be able to put the pieces together. It was all just another nail in Lena’s coffin.

Closing her eyes, Lena extended her hands beneath the running water. She could not let herself go down this spiral now. If she continued down this path, she’d dig herself into a hole she’d never get back out of.

With a sharp inhale, she reached for the soap and pumped the liquid into her hand in a pathetic attempt to pull herself back to Earth. She rubbed her hands together, brow furrowing at the feeling. There was an itchy sensation as if some sort of parasite were crawling across her skin. Lena opened her palms to get a closer look, noticing the pink beads scattered across her skin. It was off-putting- but somehow familiar?

For just a moment, Lena’s eyes fell shut and she got a flash of the place she always seemed to retreat to. This time, she was standing on a step stool. She was on the tips of her toes, still just a few inches shy of being able to reach the sink.

If she looked back at the kitchen table, she saw all the papers scattered across the surface, the figure of someone-- probably her mother, sitting with their head in their hands. Then, for a split second, Lena could feel herself back there, feel the same beads against her hands, inhale the smell of the old dollar store soap.

She could feel the crisp air rushing through her unbrushed hair as she jumped back off the stool and stomped around the floor. She bounced around and as wildly as she could, shook out her hands to dry them off, probably telling her mom she wanted to play.

Or at least, that’s what Lena would’ve liked to think. It wasn’t easy, but if she tried hard enough, she could force it all together so the patches made sense. She’d fill in the blank spaces with little daydreams, doing it so frequently she had a hard time telling what was real and what she’d made up.

Lena turned off the tap, reaching for the towel so she could dry her hands. She’d forged so many of her memories it was nearly impossible to tell if the things she’d seen were real or not. There was never any solid way of knowing. The only thing that seemed to come back time and time again was the papers on the table and the woman in the yellow dress but even that could’ve just been a figment of Lena’s imagination. Some sort of motif she’d curated to give herself consistency after her entire world was ripped from between her fingers.

After all, she’d been only four when she was adopted, it wasn’t like Lena could be expected to remember the few years she’d had without the Luthor’s. And now certainly wasn’t the time to be digging up relics of the past, not while there were four people in the other room waiting on her.

But before Lena made her way back into the main area, she pulled her phone out of her pocket, opening the number she thought she’d never message again.

I need your help. She texted, sighing once she’d realized what she’d done. There was no going back now.

With what? Was the response. It sent a jolt through Lena’s body.

She bit her lip, fingers moving quickly as she typed out her reply, heart pounding so fast Lena worried it might jump right out of her chest.

I want to learn about my birth mom.

The bathroom door creaked open and Lena emerged back into the hall. All four heads lifted at the noise, causing Lena’s eyes to widen. If they’d heard the door, how much else had they picked up on?

She tried not to think about it as she made her way back over to the group and took her seat beside Kara. Averting her gaze to try and lay low.

“Hey, have you ever thought of getting one of those implant things?” Winn asked as she sat back down.

“Winn- what the hell? Why would you say that?” Kara exclaimed. She shot him a glare, her entire face turning beet red.

“What? It was just a question!” Winn said, raising his hands defensively. “They help a lot of people, I’m just asking if she’s considered it.”

That was it. Kara was ready to go on a rampage right then and there. What gave him the right to get that information? It was nobody’s business except Lena’s!

But quickly, the events of the textbook library incident came flooding right back. She’d only made things worse by intervening and the whole mess ended with Lena crying in a supply closet somewhere. They did not need a repeat of that. And Lena didn’t need her to fight her battles for her. It just wasn’t Kara’s place to keep going.

“What did he say?” Lena signed. She furrowed her brow ever so slightly, the smallest frown gracing her lips as she moved her hands.

“He wants to know why you never got an implant… the… the ones that make you hear,” Kara interpreted.

Lena nodded slowly, tightening her jaw as she looked back at Winn. “Because believe it or not, I don’t have any desire to hear you ableist dick. Why the f*ck would you even ask?”

“Wha- what did she just say?” Winn stammered.

“Uh-- just that she’s fine being Deaf,” Kara said. “And a few other choiced words.”

Lena folded one leg over the other, lifting her chin as she watched Winn, who seemed to crumble away at the look. If he kept asking questions like that, it was going to be a long night for all of them.

“Hey, hey, Lena,” Kara whispered, gently jostling Lena’s shoulders.

She was fast asleep on the couch, sitting stiffly upright. Her head had fallen onto the pillow Kara had given her when she first noticed Lena’s failing fight against her exhaustion, arms folded across her chest, still keeping her guarded in her vulnerable state.

“Lena?”

Lena began to stir, mumbling a string of quiet, incohesive sounds, as she woke up. Slowly, she looked around the room, heart falling through her stomach when she realized she and Kara were the only ones there.

“Everyone left?” She signed, her eyes wide with guilt.

Kara nodded and sat down on the sofa beside her. “Yeah, we finished up a little while ago.”

“Did I ruin it?”

What kind of question was that? Of course, she had! She’d fallen asleep halfway through like some sort of walking disaster- how could she not have messed things up?

But Kara shook her head, her answer the furthest thing from what Lena was expecting. “No, Lena of course not,” she said. Her face fell and her expression softened. She couldn’t help but wonder why Lena always jumped to that conclusion, wonder who had been the one to make her think like that. “You were just tired, you didn’t ruin anything.”

She offered a gentle smile, reaching out to touch Lena’s knee.

“And I’m sorry about the way W-i-n-n talked to you. I thought he’d be more respectful and I… I don’t know why they weren’t.”

Lena shrugged and looked down at her lap. She couldn’t say she wasn’t used to it. But still, that didn’t make it any less sh*tty. She didn’t want to talk about that now, though. There was no reason to make Kara feel worse than she already did.

“K-a-r-a?”

“Yes?”

“Are you alright?” She asked in a sad attempt to change the subject.

Kara paused, taken aback by the inquiry.

“You just seemed quiet. And coming from someone who hasn’t heard a single sound in over twenty years, I’m pretty good at picking up on when someone’s the only other non-speaking person in the room,” Lena signed with a soft chuckle.

“How is that?”

“Well, I’m always the non-speaking one,” Lena explained. “If there isn’t someone I can kinda latch onto, I don’t get to interact with anyone, so I just keep to myself. And I don’t mean to overstep, but today, you just kind of seemed like me when I get stuck in a crowd of people who are all talking instead of signing.”

Kara smiled sadly, nudging Lena with her elbow. “You’re really good at reading people, you know?”

Lena nodded and laughed quietly. “It’s my secret superpower.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, what’s yours?” Lena teased.

“Super hearing,” Kara signed confidently, which earned her a playful punch in the arm from Lena.

“Hey!” She exclaimed, signing with big, broad gestures. “What was that for?”

“You’re the worst,” Lena signed. She giggled and her nose scrunched up, dimples appearing at the corners of her lips as she laughed. Kara couldn’t help but stare, her heart swelling at the sound of Lena’s excitement. It was so infectious, she was sure she could listen to it for hours.

But as soon as Lena noticed Kara’s lingering gaze, she covered her mouth with her hands, doing her best to quiet her laughter.

“Can you hear your laugh?” Kara asked, giving Lena a moment to recompose herself.

Lena shook her head, still hiding most of her face.

“It’s really pretty,” Kara signed. “Like you know when you see someone smiling and it’s just so warm and welcoming and it makes you smile too?”

After a moment of hesitation, Lena lowered her hands and offered a small nod.

“That’s kind of what it sounds like. Just… warm and welcoming.”

Lena smiled once more, though it was different this time. She was still cautious, her movements still slow and tentative. But it looked more like Lena, the real Lena. Not the Lena who spent her time trying to make hearing people comfortable at work or who stayed quiet the entirety of game night because she didn’t want to mess things up. This version of her, it was real, a side even Lena herself seldom ever saw.

“Nobody’s ever liked it before,” she signed, bewilderment written all over her face.

“Really?” Kara almost couldn’t believe it. How could no one else hear what she did? How could she have gone unappreciated for so long? It didn’t make sense at all.

Lena shrugged. “I can be kind of loud, I suppose. I’ve found most people think it’s off-putting.”

The crinkle between Kara’s eyes became visible once more, the subtle smile on Lena’s lips tugging at her ever so slightly once she noticed.

“You don’t seem to think like most people,” Lena signed.

Kara shook her head. “I don’t.”

And it was true. She’d gotten that her entire life on Earth, that she just wasn’t right in the head. She didn’t think, speak, or act the way she was supposed to. Over the years, she’d gotten better at masking. She learned to suppress the urge to shake out her hands when she got excited or overwhelmed and for the most part, had taught herself when to stop and start talking in appropriate increments. But still, Kara wasn’t like most people. And that had never been something she’d thought to be proud of.

“Maybe that’s why we get along so well,” Lena considered, signing along to her thoughts. “It’s… refreshing.”

Kara didn’t know what to say to that.

“Yeah,” She agreed after a moment. “It’s refreshing being around you too.”

Lena chuckled and leaned into her, feeling Kara relax instantly at the contact.

“You know, I’ve never had a friend like you before,” Lena signed bashfully. “Come to think of it, I’ve never had family like you.”

“Well, you’ve got me now,” Kara signed. “And I’ll always be your friend.”

Lena grinned, cheeks reddening when she felt Kara wrap her arms around her waist and gently pull her into her lap. She reached up, using both her hands to tuck Kara’s hair behind her ears.

Kara melted at the touch, her head following Lena’s palm, desperate for the contact. “K-a-r-a D-a-n-v-e-r-s, I think you might be my new favorite person.”

Chapter 9

Chapter Text

sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

“I don’t have any clothes,” Lena signed, anxiously tapping Kara on the shoulder.

“What?”

“Clothes-- no clothes,” Lena signed once more. She brought her hands up to her forehead and combed them through her hair, pulling it back into a tight ponytail so it wouldn’t keep getting in her face.

“I have work in an hour and no clothes,” she signed. “f*ck, I can’t believe I fell asleep again. ”

“It’s okay, you were exhausted,” Kara said as if she weren’t bothered by it at all. She pulled open her top drawer, sorting through her shirts to see if she had anything that might’ve been Lena’s size. “And you can just borrow something of mine.”

Lena sighed. “I know. I didn’t sleep at all the night before. I stayed up rereading The Stranger. ”

“What? Why would you do that?” Kara signed before handing Lena a pale pink button-down.

With a shrug, Lena accepted the shirt. She tucked it under her arm so she could still speak, then looked back up at Kara. “I don’t know. I just felt like I had to get through it-- I can explain later. You’re still coming by today, right?”

“Of course!” Kara said with a nod. “The library’s part of my routine, I wouldn’t miss it.”

Lena smiled. “Great.”

She turned around so she was facing Kara’s bed then brought her hands to the bottom of her sweatshirt. Kara had given it to her after she’d knocked out the first time. She’d offered a pair of pajama pants too, which for some reason, Lena weakly accepted. Not long after that, she’d fallen asleep on the couch once more, only waking up when she felt two strong arms whisk her up and away. For a moment, she’d just barely opened her eyes and smiled to herself when she saw Kara. But everything after that was blank.

The morning certainly wasn’t, though. Lena had a good twenty minutes before she needed to be out the door if she wanted to be at the library in an hour.

She pulled off the sweatshirt, not bothering to shield herself despite Kara’s presence, and slipped on the new shirt. She then quickly changed into the slacks, turning around once they were buttoned at the top.

“You’re too tall,” Lena signed. “I mean-- I need a belt, you’re tall, these are gonna fall off.”

Kara didn’t say a word, her head was completely empty as stared at Lena. She couldn’t seem to form one coherent thought as she watched-- it was like every last social skill she had left her body. Lena was just standing there, shirt unbuttoned and opened, revealing her navy blue bra and most of her upper body. The pants sagged around her waist. Due to Kara’s height, they were almost comically large on her. As a result, Kara could see the tip of her underwear, the line where Lena’s stomach protruded over the elastic band, and the pink stretch marks reaching up from her thighs.

Every chance she got, Kara mentally kicked herself if she started looking at someone objectively, but right now the thoughts were barreling in and she had no control at all.

Lena was just so-- beautiful was the only word Kara could find. She’d always seen it before, seen it the way the corners by Lena’s eyes crinkled when she smiled. How her cheeks turned bright red when she laughed and in those little glances she’d steal from across the library. There had never been a time when Lena wasn’t beautiful. But now, standing in front of Kara, so open and exposed, the feeling she got… it wasn’t the one she’d become accustomed to.

“K-a-r-a?”

“What?”

“A belt,” Lena signed once more. “Do you have one I can borrow?”

“ Oh ! Right-- yes, I have a belt you can borrow,” Kara signed, stammering along with the movements. A belt. Right. Lena needed a belt.

“Great, thank you,” Lena signed as Kara finally handed the material through her. She looped it through her pants and tied it off, then buttoned up her shirt and tucked it into her pants as quickly as she could.

“I think that’s it… so I should probably get going,” Lena signed with a nervous chuckle. “Thank you again… for everything. I- I really appreciate it.”

“Of course!” Kara smiled. “I’ll see you later?”

Lena nodded. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.”

She then took a step forward, holding her breath as she snuck her arms beneath Kara to embrace her. Lena wasn’t sure if it was a gesture she was allowed to make; if it was the kind of thing that would drive Kara away instead of bringing her closer. All she knew was how safe she felt when they touched like this and how, for reasons she couldn’t understand, she’d started to crave the contact when they were apart. And now, with the day Lena had in front of her, she needed that safe feeling more than ever.

Luckily, Kara accepted and welcomed Lena into her hold. She held her tightly, kissed her hair as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

When Lena eventually pulled away, she smiled up at Kara, holding onto that lingering security of her presence for just a moment longer before she'd have to leave and face the day.

As usual, Lena bought her paper at the bus stop and read it as she waited, surrounded by groups of people all displeased with rush hour delays and how crowded the terminal was. She did her best not to be bothered by it, though. She sat on her own and read, thinking of the right thing to say to Kara and every other person she’d be seeing today.

Right on time, though, Lena boarded the bus-- this time to ride all the way out of National City instead of just the library.

It wasn’t a choice Lena could say she was confident in. The need to go through with it only struck her last night in the bathroom before she sent that text, and even then she’d been skeptical. It was only when she watched the bus barrel down past the library from her seat by the window that she truly felt the weight of what she was doing. She was going to Metropolis to see her mother and now, there was no turning back.

“Ms. Luthor, there’s a woman here who would like to speak with you.”

Lillian stood in the center of her office, stiff as a statue as she stared out the floor to ceiling windows. She turned around, moving slowly at the sound of her secretary's voice, smiled sourly once she saw Lena who stood at the young woman’s side.

“Lena, come on in,” she said and gestured for her to come closer. “Thank you, Jess. You can go back to your desk.”

Lena did as she was instructed and entered the office, high heels clicking loudly against the grey tile. She made sure to hold her chin high, to swallow her nerves, and put on the strongest mask she could manage. Lillian always could see right through her, this time, she needed to hold her ground.

“It would be an understatement to say I was shocked when I got your text,” Lillian said. She folded her hands together, tilting her head ever so slightly, and raised an eyebrow. “I never expected you’d reach out for help from me of all people.”

Without a word, Lena reached into her purse to take out her phone. She then opened the ASL translator she used when people weren’t willing to write their questions out for her. In most instances, she rendered it useless. It didn’t work in group settings and often got things wrong when people spoke too fast. But it was worth a shot since Lena knew there was no way she’d get Lillian to spell things out for her.

“Well, I need--”

“What is that?” Lillian barked, glancing down at the screen upon noticing the little animated character, signing back to Lena.

“A translator,” Lena explained. “So I know what you’re saying.”

“Whatever it is, you don’t need it, put it away,” Lillian said. She made no effort to decipher the words Lena was mouthing with her signs, just brushed her off without a second thought.

“I do need it, I can’t hear,” Lena stated the obvious.

“You could’ve had your hearing fixed years ago. I still can’t believe I let Lionel get away with that one,” Lillian mumbled with a scoff. “You need to learn to adapt, Lena. You’re never going to get anywhere in life if you don’t at least try.”

Lena pursed her lips, furrowed her brow as she slipped her phone back into her pocket. There was a lot in that last phrase alone she could have argued with. Challenging Lillian was a dangerous game though, even if she was just dipping in a toe to test the waters. But if Lena could make it past the blatant ableism and her mother's displeasure with having her around, it did seem like Lillian was willing to talk. That had to count for something. Right?

So Lena reached into her purse, this time pulling out a stack of post-its and a black pen. She scribbled down her question, straightening herself out as she handed it to Lillian.

What did you let him get away with?

“And this is the layout for next week's issue. I’m still waiting on a few pictures to finish printing, but the outline is all there.”

James handed the papers to Kara, who nodded and began to sift through them, giving them one final check before she’d hand them over to Cat. It looked pretty good, like something Ms. Grant would approve of-- though, that was always a guessing game in itself.

Spreading the papers across the table in chronological order, Kara pulled apart two pages that had somehow become stuck together.

“Hey… what is this?” She asked, running her fingers across the headline.

The sight of the images splattered across the top caused her breath to catch in her throat. She couldn’t even bring herself to read the words below. It didn’t matter, though. Kara already knew what they would say.

“How?”

The left half showed the infamous Luthor family photo, the one that Kara couldn’t look at without an ill feeling forming in the pit of her stomach. By its side, was a new, updated photo. One that was so much worse than she ever could’ve imagined.

“Where did you get that?” Kara looked up at James, eyes unwillingly filling with tears.

“When we were at game night, I couldn’t help but notice how familiar Lena looked. There was just something about her and it kept bugging me-- I couldn’t get rid of that itch telling me I knew her from somewhere,” James began. “So I called Clark to see what he knew--”

“You called my cousin?” Kara said sharply.

“Yeah, he’s my friend!” James retorted. “Anyways, I called him and I asked if he knew anything about a Lena Kieran, and he said no, but he had heard of a Lena Luthor. Lex’s little sister.”

Kara tightened her grasp on the paper, her mouth becoming dry as she looked back down at the image. It must’ve been the Instagram photo Alex had referenced, the one of Lena with Samantha Arias. Because there was her friend, staring up at her through the page in the form of a selfie taken with who Kara assumed to be Samantha. They were both smiling, Lena wearing a red MIT t-shirt and her hair done up in a ponytail. They were holding shot glasses, probably at a bar off-campus somewhere.

But all Kara could look at was how happy Lena looked. She wore the same smile Kara had seen when she’d caught her dancing around her apartment to Mother Mother, the one she’d had when she’d showed Kara all her plants. How could they look at that and still go through with the article?

“So what? He helped you out so you could find pretty much the only photo of her?” Kara asked. “She has no social media presence-- no trace at all and you take the first breadcrumb you can find to expose her to the world?”

“Kara, it isn’t like that,” James said.

“Then what is it like?” Kara held up the picture for him to see, all but shoving it into his face. “Have you ever thought that there’s a reason she’s so private? That it’s for her safety and now-- now you could be ruining it for her?”

“Kara, this is for the safety of everyone else. I get that she’s your friend but she’s a Luthor. You know how dangerous they are. This article; it’s meant to protect people.”

“You met her, James!” Kara exclaimed. “You met her and she was nothing but kind to everyone! She made jokes and she-- she had pizza and played Monopoly with us. She’s a person and you-- if you publish this, you’ll ruin her life!”

“How do you know any of that’s real?” James asked. “You have no reason to trust her and yet you blindly follow her-- you know what happened with Lex. He and Superman were best friends until they weren’t, are you really willing to take that chance with her?”

“I am.” Kara nodded and folded her arms over her chest. “I know Lena and I know she would never hurt anyone. She’s a librarian, for god’s sake-- she helps people pick out books and she teaches little kids how to sign their names. She rescued a one-eyed cat and she grows strawberries on her fire escape, there is nothing about her that isn’t good! So I-- I trust her because she’s never given me a reason not to.”

Kara dropped the paper and ran her quivering hands through her hair, doing her best to push back her tears and hold her ground. She just couldn’t help it, it was a habit she’d had for as long as she could remember. Kara always cried when she argued, no matter how miniscule the disagreement, she couldn’t seem to help it.

“I know her family is bad, I know they want me dead,” she continued, the first tear spilling over. “But look around-- Winn’s dad is a murderer and nobody seems to bat an eye. We all trust him! And I’m not saying we have a reason not to, because we don’t, but if you’re holding Lena to that standard why don’t you do the same for him?”

“That’s different and you know it.”

“How?” Kara asked. “Because he’s a man? Because he can look you in the eye and verbally tell you he’s different?”

James sighed and shook his head.

“When I was sent to Earth my pod dragged Fort Rozz with it, and the DEO spent years helping me fight the criminals I brought here off but nobody seems to have any problem being around me,” Kara continued. “And on Krypton my parents did some terrible things that I- I still have trouble accepting, but still, everyone idolizes Supergirl.”

“Yeah, but you were just a kid when you were sent to Earth, you had no control over what your parents were doing,” James argued. “Lena’s an adult, it isn’t the same.”

“She was a kid when Lex first went after my cousin,” Kara contradicted. “She would’ve been eleven or twelve. Seventeen at the oldest the first time he was arrested. There was nothing she could’ve done.”

James paused for a moment, almost as if he was considering what Kara had said. But of course, hoping that maybe he would change his mind after all that would’ve just been wishful thinking.

“The difference between you and Lena is you guys own up to what your parents did, you don’t try to hide it. Lena’s life is built on a lie-- she won’t even tell you her real last name. How can she expect to earn the public's trust if she never tells anyone the truth?”

Lillian quirked an eyebrow, smiled slightly as she retold the story.

“I wanted to get you a cochlear implant as soon as you were adopted. It was the most practical way to proceed with your… you know.”

Shifting her weight between her heels, Lena folded her arms over her chest. Disability. She wanted to say. It isn’t a dirty word.

“But you used to scream bloody murder if anyone tried to touch your ears. You’d throw these wild tantrums, you’d cry so hard you’d make yourself sick. And somehow, because of that, Lionel was able to talk me out of it,” Lillian said with a scoff. “He said he thought you should be able to choose for yourself once you were old enough. I disagreed but we managed to reach a compromise. You’d be allowed to decide for yourself when you turned seventeen, but until then, you wouldn’t be presented as part of the family.”

Swallowing the lump rising to the top of her throat, Lena did her best to blink back her tears. She didn’t remember any of that, but it made so much sense. The way Lionel always used to hold things over her head and refused to let anyone in the family sign. Why they’d never allowed her to go to speech therapy because if she couldn’t hear them, they shouldn’t have had to hear her.

“Oh, don’t take it so personally,” Lillian said, brushing it off as if it were nothing. “We did this to protect you. “The whole world hates the Luthor’s, can you imagine the things that would’ve been said about you? People are ruthless, Lena. We did this out of love, they would’ve torn you to bits.”

Out of love? Was she really supposed to believe that?

“But that isn’t what you came to ask me, is it?”

When Lena shook her head, Lillian nodded knowingly. She let Lena follow her over to the white couch and sat down beside her, folding one leg over the other as she looked her daughter up and down.

“You want to know about your birth mother,” Lillian said, taking the words right away from her.

But still, Lena nodded. Just hoping that for once, Lillian would help her.

“Well, I really don’t see why you came all the way down here for that, we’ve been through it before.”

Lena sighed. As quickly as she could, she began to write on her post-it, holding it out for her mother to see once she was done. It was ridiculous, she knew this, but until she got confirmation of what happened, she was never going to be able to let it go. And she needed to let it go.

Please tell me again. I need to know why I was adopted.

Today at five, for the first time in what had to be months, Kara went straight home without stopping at the library first. She flew as fast as she could, for once completely aware of how cold the atmosphere felt against her skin. Chills rushed down her spine, goosebumps popping up along Kara’s arms and legs. It made her notice how heavy the clouds were when she flew through them, how loud the wind was as it crashed against her.

Flying had always been Kara’s safety net. It was something she could escape to that nobody else had. When she was up high enough she could dangle above the clouds. She could wrap herself in the fog and just hover, still able to see tips of buildings scraping the sky if she needed. It was a place where she didn’t have to be Kara Danvers or Supergirl, she could just exist. Go back to who she’d been before, when everything was good and calm and the last name Zor El didn’t carry such a burden on her shoulders.

But for once, with the air crashing against her and her cape blowing loudly in the sky, Kara was unable to feel that calmness she’d depended on for years. It was just gone, replaced with an empty hollowness sitting growing in the bottom of her stomach.

When Kara got back to her loft the feeling still lingered. As she threw her bag down and kicked off her shoes, she noticed the way it had spread through her, weighing down her limbs with every step. Kara held a hand over her mouth and stifled a sob, cursing herself for all she’d let fall through the cracks today.

She’d just been so close. So freaking close to finally getting just an ounce of the respect she deserved. But of course, like always, she’d been pushed down, forced back into that tiny hole where she was supposed to take whatever they threw her way and manage it without a peep. Kara hated it, hated the way they all clearly thought so little of her.

She flopped down on her bed, curling into herself as she took her glasses, and finally stopped trying to keep it all down. She always tried so f*cking hard and nobody ever cared, not even James, who was supposed to be one of her best friends. He’d refused to listen to a word Kara said, brushing her off as if she were a clueless little girl. But she wasn’t-- Kara knew she wasn’t. She had experience and grit and so much more that would be so easy to see if people were willing to just look past the pastel sweaters and glasses.

Wrapping her arms around her stomach, Kara closed her eyes and allowed the sobs to wreak her body. Her heart was pounding, head throbbing as she cried. The chills at her surface were pouring out, wrapping themselves around her body and stripping her of any control she’d ever had.

The whole thing reminded her of Astra, of how Kara had been thrown into the cold unknown only to find out her entire family and her entire life had been a lie. It was the same cold she’d felt trapped in that pod. Fast asleep in the phantom zone, overwhelmed by a silence so loud the terrifying noises on Earth had almost been a comfort because at least they weren’t that. She still couldn’t fall asleep without music playing on her phone, the fear deafening silence might keep back in remaining strong throughout the years.

“Why won’t they listen?” Kara cried to herself, her quiet voice stifled by pillows. “I’m doing everything right, why don’t they listen?”

Lena seemed to be the only one who preferred Kara to Supergirl. The only one who wanted to hang out with Kara for Kara. It didn’t make any sense, but thinking about it made Kara’s heart ache. She could imagine Lena at work, waiting for her to come in.

With a pathetic whimper, Kara reached for her phone. Her fingers trembled as she dialed Lena’s number. She didn’t know why she was doing it, she just needed to see her. Even if for only a second so Kara could remind herself that she did have someone there.

She needed Lena. Just one minute with Lena.

Lena sat at her kitchen table, laptop open, and phone in her hand. Milo made his presence known by spreading himself across the surface, laying on his back to soak up the sunbeams pouring in through her window, and leave Lena with minimal workspace. If he weren't so adorable, maybe Lena would’ve gotten annoyed. Her leg bounced up and down, Milo hissing when she kneed the table.

From years of living under the watchful eyes of her family, Lena had picked up on a few things. In their world, accommodations were something you earned, they weren’t handed out. And even in the best cases, it was always a gamble. So when Lena was left out of conversations she knew still pertained to her, she figured out very quickly to always record them. Though Lena was unable to hear the recording herself, most browsers had a voice to type feature. And luckily- google docs was one of them.

Lena knew the only reason Lillian had been so okay with talking to her was that she never failed to underestimate her as a person. It was for that very reason Lena had been sure to record the conversation so she could transfer it all to a document and read it for herself. That way even once she’d read it through, she could always come back to it as a frame of reference.

Well, there’s not that much to go over. You’d been living alone with your mother in some small house. According to your medical records, you got sick at around two and a half.

When the first few words appeared on the screen, Lena’s heart dropped through her stomach. She had to stop herself from jumping out of her seat, excitement and terror flooding over her at the realization her plan had worked.

You developed a high fever, dry cough, and infection that spread to both ears. Your father and I were told your mother neglected to take you to the doctor for weeks. She just let you get sicker and sicker. And by the time she finally did something, you’d already lost your hearing entirely.

Lena’s jaw tightened. She couldn’t remember any of that. She’d assumed she’d always been Deaf. Lionel had mentioned hearing loss once or twice, but she’d chalked that up to naturally losing it as a baby. Lena never considered the possibility that something like that could’ve happened.

Narrowing her focus to the screen, Lena felt her entire body grow tense. Her vision became so short she didn’t even notice the lights flashing on her phone-- the ones that signaled she was getting a facetime request.

I’ll never understand why, but the doctor still let you go home with her. Clearly, she wasn’t fit to take care of you, but nobody said a thing. I guess it isn’t surprising that after that, she gave you up for adoption. She just couldn’t handle a baby-- especially one with your setbacks. So after a little while, we got a call from your social worker, and you were placed with us. We flew you out and had Lionel pick you up at the airport, and the rest is history.

That was where the recording ended. Words stopped appearing on the screen and Lena deflated in her seat. She turned her phone off, not bothering to check the notifications first. None of it seemed to add up. Or maybe it did, and she was just naive. Lillian always said she had problems accepting the truth.

Either way, Lena couldn’t be sure. All she knew was she needed to know more. That’s the only way she’d be able to make sense of it.

Chapter 10

Chapter Text

Lena stifled a yawn, rolled her neck to get it to pop as she went through the cart of returned books she’d been working on reshelving. She’d had yet another sleepless night, this one spent reading and rereading the transcription of Lillian’s story. For twelve hours, Lena pushed herself straight through the five stages of grief with the hopes that she’d be able to once and for all put this obsession to rest. Unfortunately, though, like most things Lena did-- her plan failed. And now, she was ready to collapse on the spot from the exhaustion.

“Hey… Lena?”

Feeling a tap on her shoulder, Lena turned around, offering her best customer service smile.

“Hey… sorry, I just assumed you’d be here.”

Lena nodded. This time, her smile was much more hesitant. It was Alex-- the same Alex who’d saved her life, worked for the FBI, and miraculously turned out to be Kara’s sister. She was just standing there, slouching slightly, appearing much more reserved than Lena was used to her being. She wore torn jeans and a grey t-shirt, the outfit making her look much less intimidating. She seemed kind, almost.

“It’s uh--” Alex paused and held her hands up. “Nice to see you.”

She’d signed. Signed a full sentence for Lena. It made Lena’s cheeks and the tips of her ears turn bright red with mortification.

“You sign?”

Alex shook her head. “No. Kara just taught me a few words-- and I’m not great at it but I would like to learn,” she said, intertwining as many signs as she could.

“Is that why you’re here?” Lena asked and raised an eyebrow.

“Why… here…” Alex muttered, slowly trying to piece the words together. “No, I actually wanted to talk to you. I realized I owe you an apology.”

As her expression softened, Lena set the book she’d been holding back on the cart. She took a step towards Alex, angling her body to show she had her full attention. But for a moment, when she glanced down at her shoes, Lena felt her chest tighten. Part of her didn’t want to ask, she was too afraid that what Alex was referring to was exactly what she’d been avoiding her entire life.

So she just stood there, watched as Alex made a circular motion with her palm over her chest. It was the sign for please not sorry. But the two were close enough, Lena knew what she was trying to say.

“Sorry,” Lena nervously corrected, unable to help herself. “Like that.”

“Oh, right,” Alex said with a chuckle. She signed it once more, this time getting it right. “Sorry.”

“But I uh, what I wanted to tell you was, I misjudged you,” Alex said. “I tried to justify it for a while, but you seem really sweet and clearly Kara loves you so I shouldn’t have been so quick to jump to conclusions.”

Folding her hands together, Lena’s lips parted ever so slightly. She furrowed her brow, taking a moment before she was able to manage an apprehensive smile.

“I just had all these assumptions because of… well, you know. But, if you’re cool with it-- I’d like to get to know you. Maybe try to start fresh?”

“You know?” Lena signed, the movements slow and cautious.

Just as she’d both expected and feared, Alex nodded. She opened her mouth to speak, but Lena took a step back, folding her arms over her chest. She shook her head, doing her best to signal to Alex that she didn’t want to talk to her.

Alex knew. And Lena couldn’t be around someone who knew.

Kara. Alex was her sister-- if Alex knew, then by extension, she had to know too.

Lena’s heart dropped through her stomach at the realization, tears springing to her eyes.

“Go,” Lena mouthed, hoping with everything she had in her Alex would know what she was trying to say. She just couldn’t do this right now. How was she supposed to process the fact that her only friend knew her true identity-- the very reason she’d never had real friends in the past. She was far too overwhelmed and even more sleep-deprived to deal with it. “Please, go.”

“I--”

“I’m sorry, I really can’t do this right now, I need to get back to work,” Lena signed. When Alex didn’t get it, she turned around and picked up the book once more. She just held it, closing her eyes as she ran her thumb across the spine. A single tear slipped out but Lena didn’t allow herself to crumble. She tightened her grasp on the book, releasing a shaky breath as she opened her eyes once more. And when she turned around to check, Alex was gone.

Sighing, Lena set the book back on the shelf. She’d process it all later, right now, she just needed to try and make it through the day without breaking.

All of Kara’s plants were dead. It seemed fitting that right as she struggled to accept her ‘true’ identity’s inferiority to Supergirl, the only thing she’d seemingly had for her enjoyment as Kara Danvers would shrivel up and die.

The more she thought about it though, the more ridiculous the whole thing felt. Kara had wanted to grow a little garden so she'd have a nice landscape for her collection of glass frogs to live in. It was a juvenile desire paired with subpar follow which meant the results shouldn’t have been shocking at all. But for some reason, they were. They made Kara wish she could call up Lena and ask her how long it took her before she got the hang of the whole keeping plants alive thing. But Lena hadn’t responded to her texts in three days and Kara was starting to wonder if that was her fault too.

With a heavy sigh, Kara tossed the dried up flowers into a trash bag and sat back down at her kitchen table. She put her head in her hands, glancing at the line up of frogs sitting on her windowsill above the sink. She’d had them for what felt like forever-- a few of them, gifted by Eliza when she was only thirteen.

She always used to find Kara hunched over by the creek in their backyard, trying to catch the amphibians in her hands as they hopped along the rocks. She’d sit there for hours on end, not talking to anyone or taking even momentary breaks, just watching the water and catching the frogs.

Eliza always assumed it was just a fun little game for her, a way for Kara to entertain herself and avoid fighting with Alex all at once. And perhaps on some level, it started like that. But over time, the frogs had become a way for Kara to practice being a human.

They were such tiny and slippery animals, needed to be held with the utmost care or they’d hop right out of her hands. The gentleness frogs required were everything Kara struggled to master. So every day she’d kneel in the mud, waiting and hoping that she’d be lucky enough to catch one. And on the occasions that she did, Kara reminded herself how cautious she needed to be. She couldn’t squeeze the frogs too tightly, when she stroked their backs the movement had to be soft and swift or she might hurt them. It was a science almost, a particular set of rules Kara needed to follow to be successful. Perhaps that was why the frogs always made so much sense.

For a while, Eliza didn’t catch on. But after a few weeks of Kara all her time sitting in the dirt holding frogs, she started making her come inside so she’d get at least some social interaction with her new family.

That was something Kara had never been able to understand. The social thing.

On Krypton, she’d see her parents and two friends from school. She talked to them and a few other members of her family and that was it. She never had any desire to meet anyone else, to join large groups, or become popular as Alex called it.

However, Eliza seemed insistent that Kara learn to communicate and have fun with others, which, to the young Kryptonian, seemed like more of a chore than anything else.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like the Danvers’. Eliza seemed nice enough and Jeremiah was much more her speed when it came to the social thing. Alex-- well, she was herself but Kara had adapted to the bullying rather quickly. It was consistent and routine, something she hated but knew she could depend on to always be there.

Yet, having to be around everyone for hours at a time, to keep up with the conversation and somehow read their faces, it was impossible. And when Kara finally figured out how to navigate that aspect, she realized she had no idea how much talking was considered too much or too little, which was now, a whole other thing she needed to worry about. She’d either interrupt Eliza after every three words or sit there silently for two hours waiting for someone to tell her it was her turn. It was all so confusing, and no matter what she did, she never seemed to get it right.

Now, Kara was better at pretending she knew how to navigate through interactions at work and everywhere else. She had a real support system, she had Eliza and somewhere along the way, Alex had become her closest confidant. She didn’t need to depend on the frogs the way she used to. Which meant now, when the people she thought she understood did things like cut her off with no warning, it was all the more confusing.

Kara was pulled out of her head at the sound of her phone vibrating loudly. She sighed and took it out of the pocket, seeing Alex was the one calling-- according to her notifications, for the seventh time today.

“Hey, what’s going on, why are you blowing up my phone?”

“Have you been outside today?” Alex asked. “Have you seen the news or even just left your apartment?”

Kara shook her head and pursed her lips. “No, I have off today, what happened?”

“They ran the story,” Alex said. “CatCo ran the story about Lena.”

“What?” Kara jumped up out of her chair, all the air leaving her body.

“I bought a copy at the Subway station. Kara-- they’re everywhere,” Alex continued, her voice getting increasingly faster with every word. “And somehow the information must’ve spread because CatCo isn’t the only source printing this. It’s everywhere-- like everywhere! ”

For a second, Kara paused, replaying Alex’s words in her head as she tried to take it all in. Lena had been exposed. That meant not only had James printed those pictures but he must’ve sent his information around because there was no other way it could’ve gotten out this quickly.

“I know I had my doubts about her but the more I think about it the more I realize how right you were. And when I went to see her today-- she just seemed so on edge, like she was waiting for something bad to happen. Like she knew she was about to get thrown under the bus. The more I think about it the worse it is, just-- f*ck! She didn’t deserve any of this.”

“I can’t believe James went through with it,” Kara mumbled. Alex’s ramblings seemed to just go in one ear and out the other. “I… I have to call her-- no, I should go see her. Right? She’ll need a friend, I- I should see her.”

“I mean, I don’t know her well so I can’t tell you what to do. But maybe ask first?” Alex suggested. “She’s just been through the shock of a lifetime, it wouldn’t be crazy to assume she might need some space.”

Kara nodded, sighing. “Yeah. I’m uh… I should go, I need to figure something out.”

“Alright, let me know if you need any help.”

“I will. Love you, Alex.”

“Love you too, Kara.”

As Alex's call ended, Kara went back through the notifications once more. It wasn’t just Alex that had been calling. Winn and James had left messages too, even Maggie had sent a few stray texts. It seemed like the only person who hadn’t been messaging her was Lena; the only person she wished more than anything she could talk to again.

Kara arrived at the library at 5 pm on the dot. She did her best not to burst dramatically through the front door but every second lost ate away at her. Was Lena expecting her to call? Was she upset that Kara hadn’t come to the library for a few days? Or would she be mad when she finally did see her friend again?

Heart pounding loudly against her chest as she made her way up the steps, Kara held her breath and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She entered as calmly as she could, her mind centered entirely on finding Lena. But when Kara made her way through the entrance, right away, she was hit with the sight of Lena’s empty desk.

Okay, calm down. She could be on a break, she could be reshelving books, or maybe she’s just in the bathroom. She’s okay, she has to be okay.

Quickly, Kara did a scan of the library floor and mezzanine above. It didn’t take long before she realized Lena was nowhere to be found. The same Lena, who never missed a day of work, who’d tried to go in twelve hours after experiencing cyanide poisoning, was gone.

Too panicked to think straight, Kara did the only rational thing she could imagine and approached another librarian.

“Hey, do you know where Lena-- Lena Kieran is?” She asked, frantically pulling at the tips of her fingers. “She’s supposed to be here-- her shift doesn’t end until seven, but I can’t find her anywhere.”

The librarian turned around, clearly displeased at the mention of Lena’s name. Almost as if she knew something Kara didn’t. “She looked kinda green last time I saw her. I’m pretty sure she went home sick.”

“Oh, okay, do you know at what time?”

Maybe if Lena left early enough, she wouldn’t have gotten the chance to see the news. Kara knew it was wishful thinking to hope for that kind of thing but she couldn’t help herself, she needed something to hang onto.

But, the librarian shook her head. “No, I saw her about an hour ago so it couldn’t have been too long ago, but I’m covering for her now, so she isn’t here.”

Kara nodded. At some point during the conversation, she’d gone from pulling her fingers to flicking her thumbs, the movement getting faster and increasingly more desperate with every passing second. She needed to do something with her body or she was pretty sure she’d explode from whatever the hell was building up inside of her.

“Okay. Uh, thank you…”

And without another word Kara turned around, making her way towards the door, and leaving the library as quickly as she’d entered.

Lena handed her quarters over to the man at the newsstand, completely lost in her head as she took a paper from the rack. She needed to get home. She needed to be alone for two minutes so she could get some f*cking air, so she could take a shower and clean off all the remnants of the past few days. She’d had as much as she could take and right now, Lena was sure if even one more thing went wrong, she was going to snap.

As the bus pulled into its stop, Lena tucked the paper under her arm, puffs of smoke clouding around the wheels catching her attention. At least leaving early meant maybe she’d have time to throw herself into her gardening for a bit to take her mind off things before the sun went down and it got too cold to be out on her fire escape.

Perhaps if Lena hadn’t been so stuck in her head, she would’ve noticed the weird look the magazine vendor had given her when she paid. She would’ve picked up on the way the man stepping off the bus grabbed his young daughter so he could stand between her and Lena when they walked past her. But Lena was oblivious, too focused on thinking about whether texting Kara tonight was worth it or not. Or if Kara really had just been using her the whole time as she’d initially feared.

It wasn’t until she was already on the bus that she even glanced at the paper. She stared straight at the ground as she swiped her MetroCard, unaware of how the driver’s eyes lingered when she made her way over to her seat. Maybe if she’d bought a copy of the paper in the morning like she normally did, she would have paid more attention.

Lena didn’t even notice all the people whispering until she took her seat towards the back of the bus. Their heads were all turned in her direction, leaned into one another’s ears so they could speak right in front of her. It was almost a comical sight, the thought that they needed to try and keep quiet so Lena wouldn’t know they were blatantly talking sh*t about her right in front of her face.

Folding one leg over the other, Lena brushed her hair out of her face and did her best to act unphased as she glanced down at the front page of the paper. If she showed it was getting to her, she’d only make things worse. Perhaps if she could read for a few minutes she’d be able to ignore the murmurs she couldn’t hear and glares burning holes into her skull for two seconds so she could get herself off the brink of what she could only hope wasn’t about to become a full-blown panic attack.

But when Lena looked down at the material in her hand, allowing her eyes to graze over the headline for the first time, she felt the world freeze. It was the picture. That family photo splattered across the front page.

Lillian and Lionel in the back, herself and Lex in the front. None of them smiling, all stiff and robotic as ever.

It was the photo that had first been leaked when speculation had begun about a hidden Luthor. She’d seen it so many times by now, Lena should’ve been desensitized. But every time it popped back up in another magazine or gossip column or the f*cking National City Times, it seemed to knock all the air right out of her.

And as if things couldn’t possibly get any worse, right there at its side was an image of Lena and Sam from their college days together at some bar.

It didn’t make sense at all. Last time Lena checked, all of Sam’s social media accounts were private- followed only by cousins and other relatives who were just there for updated pictures of her and her daughter. There was no way someone could have dug this out from beneath the piles and piles of boxes of old memories Lena had worked so hard to keep locked up. It shouldn’t have been possible. It shouldn’t have been real- Lena had been positive she’d been the one in control! But somehow, there it was, a side by side of Lena at four, and again at twenty.

And all over again, Lena was stuck, stuck frozen surrounded by gossip and glances and so much more that she couldn’t bear to accept. It crawled beneath her skin, scraping her bones and spreading so quickly Lena was positive if she didn’t get out right now , she was going to vomit.

Hidden Luthor Confirmed- Meet the infamous Lena Luthor; estranged daughter of Lionel and Lillian.

It was too horrific to be real- it had to be some sort of nightmare, that was the only way Lena could rationalize it. And yet she could see it right there in black and white, that impossibly painful headline staring back at her.

Just as the bus was about to pull out of its stop, Lena leaped out of her seat and ran down the aisle, unable to stop the burning tears that poured down her cheeks. She gestured urgently to the door, a pathetic whimper escaping her lips as she tried to find the voice she hadn’t used in decades.

As soon as the doors reopened, Lena bolted. She ran straight back to her apartment, crying harder with every step. And once Lena was finally back in the comfort of her home, she slammed the front door and collapsed in a heap in front of her. She still held the newspaper, gripping onto it for dear life as she fell into her mess of strangled sobs.

She couldn’t take it. She’d thought that Kara knowing was the end of the world. Kara was her person-- her one good thing, the only one who’d ever given a damn about her, and now she knew Lena was just as vile and low as every other Luthor.

That information alone had crushed her. She couldn’t even handle finishing out her shift because of her talk with Alex-- how was she supposed to keep going now that the whole world knew?

Lena brought her hands up to her head, holding them against her forehead as she closed her eyes. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have done this to herself? She’d slipped up, she’d messed up the only good thing she had and now it was all gone. She was going to lose Kara, one of the only real friends she’d ever had. And by extension, everyone else. Alex. Maggie. The few people who had ever chosen to willingly be around her, they were all gone, just like that.

Lena raised a shaky fist, throwing it back against her forehead as she cried.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she told herself as she repeated the motion. In just one second, the world had been torn completely from beneath Lena’s feet. It was all her fault, it had to be. It always was.

She hit herself again, harder this time. And again and again, eyes squeezed shut, and hot tears running down her face as she repeated the motion. Harder. Harder. Harder!

Lena only stopped for a moment when she felt claws scraping against her skin, climbing up her legs. She opened her eyes to see Milo balancing on her knees. He clumsily set one paw on Lena’s shoulder and with the other, attempted to swat Lena’s fist away from her head. Then, almost as if he’d known what she’d been doing, he reached his head forward to lick Lena’s forehead clean.

A throbbing sensation shot through her head, making her cry even harder, but Milo kept going. He licked and licked until he deemed her better, which was when he settled in her lap, curling up against her the same way he used to as a kitten.

As Lena stroked his fur, she let her head fall against the door. She’d f*cked up so badly, she wasn’t even sure if she deserved his affections anymore. She was a Luthor, after all. She’d tried to escape their legacy and clearly, it hadn’t worked. So maybe she really was meant to be just like them. Cold, callous, and cruel. Everything she’d worked so hard to leave behind, perhaps it had still been inside her all along. That had to be why it fell apart so fast. She was never going to escape them. And she needed to accept that before things somehow got worse.

Chapter 11

Chapter Text

“I’m not breaking in, you just left the door unlocked,” Kara signed as she entered Lena’s studio. The floorboards creaked beneath her weight, rays of light pooling in through the open windows. Lena must’ve forgotten to shut them, the near-empty bottle of tequila on her counter would explain why.

Making a mental note of human hangover symptoms, Kara shut the door and slowly turned around. She sighed, her heart dropping through her stomach at the sight of her friend curled up in bed, laying on top of the covers with her work clothes still on. Lena’s shoes had been kicked off, messily discarded on the floor beneath the mattress along with one of her socks. Her hair was in its ponytail, though it had been loosened significantly and now fell like a mop beside her. However, it wasn’t the clutter on the floor, the alcohol, or even the fact that Lena had clearly passed out against her will that worried Kara. No, it was what covered Lena’s bed that filled her to the brim with concern.

Books-- they were everywhere. Covering the bed, scattered in heaps leaving only enough space for Lena herself to lie down. A few had fallen over the sides and littered the floor, rendering the bookshelves almost completely bare.

“Oh, Lena,” Kara breathed, taking slow, careful steps in her direction. “Why did you do this?”

Lena was holding a handful of her favorite novels, clutching them against her chest like some sort of stuffed animal. She gripped them so tightly her knuckles had turned white and the tips of her fingers bright red. She looked desperate; as if she feared once she let go, the books would vanish into thin air

Kara leaned over the bed and reached out a hand to gently shake Lena’s shoulder. Seeing Lena up close… it was so much worse than she could have anticipated. Lena’s cheeks were bright red, flushed out, and stained with dried tears. Bruise like bags hung beneath her eyes-- actual bruises traced her hairline. She looked exhausted. More than that, she looked hurt.

Kara wished with everything she had that there was something she could do to lighten Lena’s burden, even if just for a moment.

“Hey… hey, Lena,” she whispered and shook her friend once more. “Hey, it’s time to wake up.”

Right then, Lena’s eyes shot open at the contact. She inhaled sharply, quickly trying to force herself out of her lost state as she frantically looked around the room. Everything seemed to be spinning, the world pulling itself apart beneath her. Lena couldn’t tell if that was the hangover talking, or if this was just her new reality. Either way, she was bracing herself for the worst.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t break-in, the door was unlocked,” Kara clarified with an awkward chuckle.

Lena managed a nod but turned further into herself, slowly patting around the pile of books to ensure everything was still there while Kara spoke. She needed to count them the way she used to, she needed to be alone, she needed--

Lena snapped her head in Kara’s direction at the sight of a hand being waved in front of her face.

“Are you…” Kara paused, silently holding her hands in the air.

Lena set her head back on the pillow and watched, noting the way Kara’s expression slowly changed as she redacted her question.

“I uh… I am sorry for barging in, I just-- I needed to make sure you were alright,” Kara restarted. Her hands began to tremble as she signed. It started at her fingertips and worked its way through her wrist, turning her into a weak, shaking mess. Kara paused and looked down at her fingers, breath catching in her throat.

That had never happened before-- she never got that nervous. Trembling that way, it was weak… human. Kara wasn’t supposed to have those problems, it was in her DNA-- she was stronger than that! And yet, still, she couldn’t seem to get the movement under control.

Lena didn’t seem to notice, though. She was just lying there, brow furrowed and lips pursed, staring blankly at the pile of books in front of her.

Kara released a heavy breath as she looked down at her and held out a hand. She let it hover, unsure of whether or not touch to get her attention would now be considered inappropriate.

“Lena?” She whispered instead.

Of course, Lena didn’t notice. So Kara set her hand back down in her lap, picking at her fingertips as she thought of the right thing to do… the right thing to say. But after a moment, Lena shifted her gaze ever so slightly so that her eyes met Kara’s. She reached out a hand, set it over Kara’s, and gave it the gentlest of squeezes.

“Oh…” Kara breathed. She accepted the contact and intertwined her fingers with Lena’s, brushing the pad of her thumb over Lena’s knuckles.

It didn’t take long for Lena to go back to looking back at her books. Her tears had begun to spill over but she didn’t cry, just held Kara’s hand and she stared blankly in front of her. Perhaps that was all she needed, Kara thought to herself. To simply have someone there with her, even if they didn’t talk.

So they sat together like that until eventually, Lena pushed herself up so she was sitting too. She took her hand from Kara and wiped away her tears, managing a sad smile when their eyes met once more.

“Did you uh… did you eat dinner yesterday?” Kara asked.

“No,” Lena signed. It wasn’t the answer Kara wanted but Lena was talking to her, so that had to count for something. Right?

“What about lunch?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Kara signed, nodding with a calm smile. “What if I went to the deli and got us breakfast so you don’t have to cook, would that be okay?”

Lena nodded and Kara’s smile widened, relief flooding over her. This wasn’t much but it was a start, a sign that Lena was allowing Kara to help.

“You should get changed too,” Kara added. “Those clothes can’t be comfortable, some pajamas might feel nicer.”

Lena nodded once more. She slowly sat up, doing her best to engage in the conversation to prove to herself that she still could.

“Alright… just text me if you need anything else,” Kara signed once she stood up. “And Lena?”

“Yes?”

“You’re gonna get through this. I promise we’re gonna figure something out.”

When Kara got back from the deli, Lena was still in bed. She was laying on her side, watching Milo entertain himself on his scratching post. She’d changed clothes, though, Kara noted, which did count as an improvement. She was now clad in a blue tank top and plaid pajama pants with a fresh pair of fuzzy socks pulled up past her ankles.

Kara waved in her direction to let her know she was back then set her deli bag on the kitchen table. She took out the drinks first, holding up Lena’s iced coffee with the hopes that if she couldn’t be what got her out of bed, maybe caffeine would. And luckily, that was all it took for Lena to sit up and eventually climb over the mound of books.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach and padded into the kitchen area, goosebumps scattering across her upper body as she was hit with the wall of cold air.

“Lena, you look like you’re freezing,” Kara observed when Lena went to take the coffee. She unzipped her own hoodie and held it out, offering it to her friend. And after a moment of hesitation, Lena accepted. Her lips were graced with the slightest of smiles as she put it on, the distant smell of Krispy Kreme donuts gave off filling Lena with warmth. Only Kara would wear clothes that smelled of donuts-- that, she was sure of.

“Thank you for getting breakfast,” Lena signed. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“Of course, there’s no need to apologize,” Kara responded, brushing it off as if it were nothing. “Why don’t you go sit down, I’ll get some plates and I’ll bring everything over.”

Lena nodded. She took some napkins and made her way over to the couch, sitting down with her legs folded against her. As she waited, Lena watched Kara situate everything in the kitchen, dissecting each and every movement to try and make sense of it all.

The whole thing just felt eerily familiar. Lena had trusted Kara, gotten close to her in ways she’d trained herself to never do. She’d let herself patiently wait day after day for those library doors to open and that familiar ray of sunshine to shine through them. And now, after it had all come crumbling down, should Lena have been surprised at the outcome at all? Had that hope she’d had watching Kara been the same as the one she’d had all those years ago with Lex?

Lena was pulled out of her thoughts at the sight of Kara taking a seat beside her and handing her a plate. She smiled and thanked her, releasing a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding in.

“We don’t have to talk about this now if you don’t want to, but I just want to say that I really am so sorry about what happened. You deserve so, so much better than what was put in those papers, and I… I’m just so sorry you have to go through all this,” Kara signed. “It’s your private information and all those publications-- they should all lose their credibility as news sources after that.”

Lena swallowed the lump in her throat, unable to respond as she absorbed Kara’s words. Instead, she picked off a piece of her bagel and forced herself to eat in order to get out of talking.

“And I uh… I know things have been kind of weird between us the last few days but if you’re okay with it… I want to be here for you,” Kara continued. “You need a friend right now and I… if you’ll let me, I want to be that person.”

Lena looked down at her hands, words she needed to say hanging over her head, just out of reach. It would be so easy to let herself be naive again. To indulge and let herself be completely engulfed in Kara’s warmth.

But if the past twenty-four hours had shown Lena anything, it was that no amount of hide-and-seek could ever erase her past. Through it all, she was still a Luthor. And people like them never deserved people like Kara.

“I also wanted to tell you a few things in hopes that I… I might be able to keep your trust through all this,” Kara signed. “But we don’t have to do that now, at the moment-- I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

With a sad smile, Lena shook her head.

“I’m not. I’m not okay,” she signed with a mirthless chuckle. “But I think you know that.”

“I do,” Kara said, nodding as she signed.

Taking a sip of her coffee, Lena pushed down the lump in her throat. She cringed at the ache that shot through her, but still, continued to trace over Kara’s features with her eyes.

Lena wished she could be naive again, she really did.

“Everyone knows I’m a L-u-t-h-o-r,” she signed, her heart pounding against her chest at the confession.

She was doing everything she could to keep from falling apart but the staples holding her together could only do so much. The burden of her name and every one her family had ever hurt was dragging through her like a knife, it was ripping her apart. The sooner she accepted her fate the sooner Kara would leave. And although there was nothing more Lena dreaded than letting her favorite person go, she knew the longer she let herself believe things could be okay, the worse it was really going to hurt when it all came crashing down.

“...A Luthor,” Lena repeated. “I’m…”

Damaged. She wanted to say. Evil. Tainted.

As soon as Lena shut her eyes, the tears began to slip out. They were fat and heavy and there was nothing Lena could do to stop them. She just brought her hands up to her forehead and pressed them down against her skin, running her fingers through her hair in a useless effort to keep herself calm.

“I thought I could hide from it but I can’t,” Lena signed. “I thought I could build this life for myself… that I could be normal and make friends and be… happy . But people like me… we don’t get to have that.”

“People like you?” Kara repeated. There was a crinkle between her eyes, a soft frown tugging the edges of her lips.

All Lena could manage in return was a pathetic shrug. She looked back over her books, wishing she could go count them to make sure none had somehow disappeared.

“There’s a darkness inside of me, K-a-r-a. I’m just like him… I can change my name and try to hide but that darkness is never going to go away.”

By now, Lena was allowing her tears to fall, too tired to continue to push them back. She didn’t even want to be telling Kara all this-- or maybe she did, Lena truly had no idea anymore. It was all just spilling right out of her and she had no way of stopping it.

“And maybe those articles needed to happen-- I let myself believe that things could work out… what if they were the universe's way of telling me it’s never going to happen?”

Kara shook her head. “No… Lena, that isn’t it at all. This was just something that happened because people can be cruel. And I don’t understand it… I can never really understand why people do the things they do but this… I don’t think I ever will. I honestly wish I did though, because it-- it’s hard, just knowing there are people out there who will hurt you just for the sake of hurting you. But this wasn’t you, it couldn’t have been.”

Lena looked down and a quiet sob escaped her lips. Perhaps on some level the things Kara was saying made sense. But if all these people were choosing to harm others, why did they choose her every time? There had to be a reason for that, some underlying issue that justified what they were doing. Because if there wasn’t, Lena was sure, it wouldn’t always come back to her.

“You say there’s darkness in you and maybe there is, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy, to be loved,” Kara continued. “Because you… Lena, you are a kind-hearted, beautiful soul. And that darkness… it isn’t the kind that comes with hurting others.”

Lena shook her head. There was no way that could be true, it went against everything she’d ever known. Everything Lillian had told her.

Right down to her core, Lena was hopeless. She was an untouchable, bottom of the food chain. It didn’t matter the label, they all meant the same thing. That Lena’s future had been predetermined from the moment she’d set foot in the Luthor manor as a timid four-year-old. She’d been the problem since the beginning of time and the way things were going now, it seemed like she always would be.

“Then if it isn’t me, what is it?” Lena signed, her movements fast and desperate for something-- anything that could confirm or deny the black hole inside her. The one that grew larger with every passing moment and soon, would swallow her up entirely. “Because I’m getting really tired of living like this.”

“This is the kind of darkness that lingers after something terrible happens… something so big you feel like it’ll never leave you,” Kara signed. There was a hollowness to her eyes, an empty feeling overtaking her. Almost as if Kara was filled with the same poison.

Then, as if it was being pulled out of her, a breath escaped Lena’s lips. For a moment, she froze, tilting her head as she released her grasp on her arm. She watched Kara’s expression slowly change, watched the fear in her eyes slowly morph into something else. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

And after a moment, Lena extended her hand. She set it in Kara’s and looked down, then after some hesitation, squeezed it.

“I know because I have it too,” Kara said softly. “And I probably will for the rest of my life.”

All Lena could do was nod as she looked down at her hand in Kara’s. A million why’s were pressing inside of her, an eternity of questions pressing themselves against her skull and overtaking her mind.

It was only after a moment of heavy contemplation that Lena was actually able to put one of them into words.

“Does it ever get easier?” She asked. It was a pathetic query, she knew that. But she couldn’t help herself. It slipped out along with everything else she’d been trying to keep inside.

“I can’t really say,” Kara confessed, shrugging with a sad smile. “I think after a while… and a lot of therapy, I kind of learned to live with what happened to me. To not let it control my life the way it used to.”

Lena nodded. She looked down at her lap and closed her eyes, inhaling slowly as she waited for the sludge in her chest to seep back through her veins and crawl beneath her bones, swallowing her hole once more. But all she felt was a finger on her shoulder-- Kara’s finger, tapping gently to get her attention.

“You can get there one day too,” she signed. “I know you can.”

“You seem so sure,” Lena signed and laughed humorlessly.

“I am,” Kara agreed. “Because I believe in you… and I know how strong you are. If there’s anyone out there who can overcome something like this, it’s you.”

“Hey, do you need any help?” Kara asked, tapping Lena’s shoulder to get her attention before signing.

Lena hesitated and briefly looked. She’d spent at least fifteen minutes washing and rewashing the plates she and Kara had used for breakfast, hoping that maybe if she scrubbed hard enough, she’d start to feel clean too. But so far, the effort had deemed itself useless. All she got was spotless dishes and callused hands, dirt still lingering within Lena’s bones.

“Why not.” She shrugged.

Talking was too much but not talking was starting to get awkward so maybe if they both cleaned, the not talking wouldn't be so uncomfortable. That was reasonable, right?

“Okay… do you care what I do or should I just kinda clean whatever?” Kara asked.

And again, Lena shrugged. “Whatever you want.”

Kara nodded and awkwardly turned away. She made her way towards the other end of the studio, Lena gripping the plate with all her might as she watched Kara bend over next to the bed and pick up one of the books.

Instantly, Lena dropped her dish in the sink. Water splashed everywhere as she opened her mouth in horror. Her heart was pounding so hard at the sight she thought it might explode but still, she tried with everything she had in her to push some sort of noise out of her throat, to make some sort of vocalization-- anything that would get Kara’s attention.

Kara whipped her head around at the sound of Lena’s quiet ahh. She dropped the book back on the bed and held up her hands, eyes widening as she tried to figure out what was happening.

“You can’t,” Lena signed desperately. “You can’t touch them.”

“I’m sorry I- I thought when you said I could help clean--”

Lena shook her head. “No, you’ll take them!”

She took off her rubber gloves and tossed them onto the counter, anxiously shaking out her hands as she watched the frown that crossed Kara’s lips.

“What? But I-- I’d never take your stuff.”

Lena shook her hand once more. She wanted to explain it but she couldn’t find the words. And everything that was there-- it was all wrong. She was wrong. Because it wasn’t Kara, Lena knew it Kara wasn’t who was going to take them.

God, Lena should’ve kept her mouth shut, she should’ve just kept it to herself like she was supposed to.

She sighed, feeling the oh so dreaded tears begin to bubble in her eyes once more. It was just books- just stupid books and now she was making an even bigger fool of herself in front of the only person she still had in her corner. The only person she wanted in her corner.

“f*ck.”

The sign was so small and quick, Lena hadn’t even realized she’d done it. She brought her hands up to her head and pressed her fingers against her temples, wishing more than anything she could pull herself together and not be such an embarrassment. Everything she did made things worse and worse. Why had she still not learned to throw in the towel?

“Lena?” Kara signed. She reached out and pulled Lena’s hands away from her head, worried if she let her keep them there any longer she might start to hurt herself. “What happened with the books? Why are they all on your bed?”

Lena sucked in a breath. A broken sob escaped her lips at the sight of the crinkle between Kara’s eyes, cries she could no longer control pouring out of her. For once, she hated that crinkle. She hated that it meant she had managed to hurt Kara.

“L-e-x… Lex used to take my books,” Lena signed quickly. She wanted to avert her gaze, to look at anything other than the pain she was causing her friend but it was as if her body was frozen in that direction. She was stuck all over again only now instead of wrecking herself, she’d get to tear down Kara, too. “If I was bad or I… I started losing focus… he’d take them.”

Kara folded her hands together and took in Lena’s words, unsure of how to respond. She hated to say it, but really, it did make sense. Lena kept so much stuff in her apartment, so many trinkets and collectibles, little items that covered her shelves and counters. Kara couldn’t help but wonder if the only reason Lena owned so much was that she’d never been allowed to have anything for herself growing up.

“I used to put them in my bed where they’d be harder to get to,” Lena explained. She bit down on the inside of her mouth and took a moment to breathe before continuing, the signs causing her hands to quiver and stumble. Lillian surely would’ve smacked them down from how ridiculous they made her look.

“I didn’t want him to come back and take them… I thought… I thought someone was going to take them and that I had to do something. So I took them all down and I--”

“You tried to protect them?”

Lena nodded.

“Maybe it won’t be Lex that takes them but someone… someone could,” Lena cried as she signed. “Everyone knows now… everyone knows and if they want to take something from me… I can’t even blame them.”

“But--”

“And you-- I know you want to help, but you can’t K-a-r-a. I’m a Luthor I-- I’m dirty and tainted and I lied about something so f*cking huge that nobody’s ever going to trust me again!”

Lena was going so quickly Kara could only pick up on every other word. Her hands shook violently, tears Lena feared may never stop pouring down her vermillion cheeks. She just kept going and going, everything that had been building up inside for the past twenty years all finally bursting out.

“Lena!” Kara signed. She reached out and turned the lights off then on again to get Lena’s attention, shocking her friend into a moment of silence.

“You’re not Lex, okay? You’re not. You’re Lena, you’re good and you’re kind and you’re so smart-- you’re the cool librarian people like me look forward to seeing every single day. You’re funny and the most wonderful friend and you are not your brother at all.”

Lena shook her head. She hid her face in her hands as she wiped her eyes, peering at Kara through the spaces between her fingers. It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be.

“And you are still trustworthy, Lena. It might not mean anything at all coming from me, but I… I don’t trust you any less because of your last name,” Kara continued. “If anything, it’s made me gain even more respect for you because you were able to become such an incredible person despite your past. Not many people can make names for themselves outside of their families but you… you did that.”

Mouth hanging open in an oh shape, Lena lowered her hands in disbelief. Kara knew-- she’d probably known this whole time and yet all of this… it was all coming right out of her and for some reason, it seemed like she meant it?

“I don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what?” Kara asked.

“I don’t want to lose your trust,” Lena signed meekly. “You said I won’t but I… I don’t get it… what if the books in the bed and all the other crazy things my family makes me do… what if it drives you away? You’d stop trusting me and I… I’d lose you.”

Kara shook her head. She knew that could never possibly happen. After all, Kara had her crazy too. She had her hyper fixations and the yellow night light in her bedroom that she struggled to sleep through the night without. She had stacked up pill bottles of failed medications she’d wished would’ve fixed her panic attacks, but now just served as a reminder that no amount of human medicine would ever work on her alien DNA.

To Kara, Lena’s crazy almost felt normal.

However, Kara knew that right now, telling her that probably wouldn’t do anything at all. Instead, though, she took a step forward and drew in a deep breath, heart beginning to pound against her chest as she thought about the decision she needed to make. It seemed like the right one-- no, it was the right one. Kara knew she could tell Lena, she knew she didn’t have to worry about Lena reacting like, well, a Luthor. But still, that didn’t make the whole thing any less scary.

“Can I… can I show you something?” Kara asked. “I just-- I want you to believe me when I say that I believe in you and this is the only thing I can think of that might get you to see things from my perspective.”

Lena wanted to argue, to tell Kara it didn’t matter, things were always going to be like this. But something inside her told her to hear her friend out. So Lena offered a reluctant nod, nervously starting to bite her nails as she mentally prepared herself.

To try and level out her breathing, Kara awkwardly cleared her throat. She reached up and slowly took her hair out of its low ponytail, allowing it to fall in waves at her shoulders. Then, Kara took off her glasses and slipped them into her back pocket, holding eye contact with Lena the entire time. She managed a hesitant smile as she waited for Lena’s reaction, lifting her trembling hands up to sign once more.

“I’m Supergirl,” Kara said. “The only people that know are my sister and about three others. I keep my identity hidden because it doesn’t just protect the people around me, but it helps keep me safe too.”

All the air left Lena’s body. Her green eyes widened, just staring at Kara with such disbelief for a moment she had to wonder if any of this was actually real or if it was just some hallucination brought on by her state of delusion.

“I know the history between my cousin or my brother should make me wary but when I’m with you, Lena, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m safe,” Kara signed. “I see the person you are and I know that I can trust you wholeheartedly. That’s why I wanted to tell you… I want you to know that it’s not just me believing in you as a human, but as a super too.”

Lena nodded. Her expression was blank, shock overtaking and paralyzing her body. The corners of her lips still twitched, though, her brow remained furrowed. The reaction was brewing, one Kara had to hold her breath and wait for.

“Supergirl?” Lena signed in disbelief, unable to say anything else.

Kara nodded back in return. “Yeah… I know it’s a lot to take in. And if you’re mad at me for keeping the secret--”

“No… not mad,” Lena interrupted. Her eyes were still glassy with tears but her lips wore a smile. She was confused, questions erupting inside with no end in sight, but on some level, more calm than she had been ever since she’d seen that paper.

“When I was poisoned I had a dream that you-- that K-a-r-a, not Supergirl was holding me and we were flying. That was real?”

“Yeah.”

Lena smiled a bit wider, this time allowing herself to laugh through her sob. “You saved me… you wanted to save me?”

Kara nodded once more. “Of course, I did.”

“You saved me,” Lena repeated, signing slowly to herself, more than Kara.

“So you’re okay with this?” Kara asked. “You’re not mad?”

“You trust me,” Lena signed as if it were the most simple thing in the world. “You really… you trust me.”

“Yeah.” Kara nodded. “I do.”

And before either of them could get another word out, Lena stepped forward and threw her arms around Kara’s neck. She let herself sob into her shirt and repeat the words over and over again in her head. Kara trusts me, Kara trusts me.

Lena buried her face in the crook of Kara’s neck, closing her eyes as she inhaled the lavender shampoo and what had to be potstickers coming from her shirt. She almost wanted to laugh. The whole thing was so bizarre but so-- so good at the same time?

And before long, Lena could feel Kara’s arms wrapping themselves around her back, holding her so tightly and with more care than anyone had ever shown her before. She ran her fingers through Lena’s hair, embracing her with all she had as she leaned back to lift Lena’s toes off the ground and feel Lena’s body pressed against hers.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Kara whispered as she felt Lena let out a cry against her. “It’s all gonna be okay.”

As she closed her eyes, Kara leaned into her friend and pressed a kiss to Lena’s hair. She listened to the sound of Lena’s heart, feeling every inch of her being and basking in the touch for as long as she possibly could.

It was ridiculous-- Kara knew this, but for the first time all week, it was starting to feel like things really would be okay for them.

Chapter 12

Chapter Text

CatCo was more than a magazine. It was an institution, a community filled with layers upon layers of intertwined people working together like gears of a machine. It was a force to be reckoned with, it always had been.

And for months, it had painted a picture that, to Kara, appeared as this incredible system of men and women, each acting as their own piece of the puzzle. She’d believed in the company and all it stood for, in the system itself for even longer. But now, with everything that had happened the past few months, Kara really wasn’t sure what to think.

With a sigh, she folded her hands together and tried to ground herself. It was hard to tell whether Kara believed in anything at all or if she’d just told herself to accept the way things worked on Earth. After all, in a completely new world where just the act of existence on its own is confusing, it’s easier to go along with the things you don’t understand than try to fix every mistake in your path. Kara learned that the hard way, over and over again.

So perhaps this was the same thing, she just needed to learn to suck it up and get over it. That’s what she'd spent weeks telling herself, that she was too sensitive, got too invested, too overwhelmed, too hyper-focused.

But then Kara would think of Lena, crying in her arms as she confessed that she didn’t believe she deserved happiness because of all the things her family had done, and Kara knew without a doubt that just muddling through it wasn’t the answer either.

Dragging her fingers against her scalp, Kara halted her pacing so she could examine herself in the mirror, her shoulders drooping and chin falling at the pathetic reflection staring back at her.

She’d been standing in the women's restroom for about fifteen minutes, just walking in circles trying to figure out how the f*ck she was supposed to deal with all this, and the time she had to hide on her own was quickly starting to run out. Soon, someone was going to find her or realize she wasn’t at her desk and then Kara would be tasked with figuring out an explanation as to why she’d been hiding in the bathroom for so long because she couldn’t really explain what was going on. Not if she wanted to be the one to make the choice for herself.

Rao, she wished she had a glass frog she could practice on.

“Okay, come on, Kara. You can do this, it’s not hard,” Kara muttered to herself, stopping in front of the mirror for a moment to stare back into her eyes as if to silently chastise her own reflection.

The choices were so simple: stay, or leave. And yet, each option held more weight than Kara could’ve ever considered before.

Because really, after everything they’d been through, Kara knew Cat wasn’t terrible. She was strict and filled with petty quips and insults, but she did care. And on some level, Kara might’ve even considered her to be a mentor. A tough, icy mentor, but still a role model. She was someone who, despite how hard she pushed, did genuinely want the best for Kara.

But then there was James. There were James and all the people who stood by him when he ran the articles about Lena. There were the people who could never be bothered to hear Kara’s side of the story, who ignored every word that left her mouth.

But if Kara were to consider them, she also had to consider the coworkers she hung out within the breakroom, the same friends who all came together to buy her pizzas and cupcakes because she had gone out of her way to buy birthday gifts for all their children.

So really, the options alone may have been simple, but the choice itself was starting to feel like one of the hardest things Kara had ever worked out on her own. And though she wanted to have a decision by the end of the day, she was gradually starting to accept that it just wasn’t that easy. She needed more time. Time she was never going to have.

Dropping her hands at her side in defeat, Kara released a frustrated huff. She left the bathroom with her chin to the ground, trying to look as small as possible. All she wanted was to get back to her desk and finish out the afternoon without any hiccups so she could contemplate this on her own once the day ended, but, being so focused on trying to make her way back to her desk discreetly, in true Kara fashion, she walked right into the copier.

“Kara?”

Kara looked up, holding back a groan at the sound of James’ voice.

“Is everything okay? You seem out of it today.”

“I’m fine,” Kara replied, her voice much sharper than intended.

Just as Kara was, James was taken aback by the tone. He held up his hands almost as if to defend himself, looking at her with a confused expression.

“Are you sure there’s nothing going on?” He asked. “I mean things in general but with us too, are we okay?”

“What?” Kara couldn’t help but scoff. How could he even ask such a thing? They’d been at each other's throats for weeks now, what was James not getting? Of course, they weren’t okay-- even Kara who never could detect shared feelings without explicit indicators knew what page they were on!

“I mean the stuff with the articles-- it’s all over now. And that was just business, you know.”

Kara hesitated, almost as if she’d lost the ability to speak.

“No… James, it wasn’t just business,” she said after a moment, her voice now much softer. Resigned. “This is someone's life we’re talking about. Maybe it’s just a job to you, but for Lena-- this is her whole world and you just… you took it away.”

“You know why I did it though, I did have a reason,” James said with a sigh. “And you’re only so upset because it’s Lena-- if she wasn’t your friend, would you have cared?”

“Okay, first of all, don’t tell me how I feel,” Kara said. “Yeah, I’m upset because it’s Lena. But I’m mostly upset because you met her and you could’ve tried to get to know her-- you could’ve even just for a second, chosen to see her as a person and not a Luthor. I kept asking you-- all of you, to give her a chance, and the only person who listened was Alex. So I’m not mad because of her, I-- I’m mad that you refused to consider the possibility that I was right. You didn't listen.”

She sighed and took a step back, knowing deep down it didn’t matter what she said, that James was never going to see it from her point of view. And maybe, part of her hoped she could yell or demand a sort of respect she knew she’d never get, but the words leaving Kara’s mouth were filled with desperation instead of the rage she wished she could channel.

But as Kara brought her hands together to pull the tips of her fingers, staring down at her shoes to avoid the gaze of someone she’d once considered to be one of her best friends, the anger she wanted simply wasn’t there. No matter how many times she sorted through it, all Kara could find was a disappointment.

“You don’t care about what I think… about what I know.”

James shook his head. “No-- Kara, that isn’t true.”

“If it was you would’ve listened,” Kara said. “And not just because it was Lena but because I was your friend telling you-- begging you not to do this. Even if it wasn’t Lena, I still would’ve fought you on it because whoever it was still would’ve been a person deserving of-- of humanity, and respect. And at the very least you could’ve tried to hear me out.”

For a moment, if Kara could stop digging through the past few months in search of that rage, she could pull away and see the larger picture. CatCo as a whole and all the people its machine was built up of. Perhaps James himself wasn’t the issue, of course, he was an issue, but he wasn’t the entire thing. There was a foundation built below him, one created to aid men like him and trap people like Kara in the pits beneath it.

“I can’t stay friends with someone o- or work with people who refuse to see someone’s humanity just because there’s a possibility they could be a bad person.”

Kara’s face fell, a frown spreading across her lips as she looked across the rest of the office.

“There’s a possibility any one of us could be terrible. But we choose not to be and that’s what separates the probability from fact. So the basis we’re judged on-- shouldn’t it be the choices we make and the way we affect others, not our names or the notion that we could be bad? Because if we went on family history alone, none of you guys would’ve ever trusted me,” Kara said.

She sighed sadly as she looked back at James. For some reason now, it seemed much easier. James represented the problem, he was simply put, the physical manifestation and all the judgment and hate seeping through the company itself. And if it was something deeply rooted in the system of the machine itself, Kara wasn’t sure if she could take it anymore-- if she even wanted to take it.

“You know what,” she muttered. “I quit.”

“What?”

“I- can’t do this anymore. I quit.”

It wasn’t a mistake, not in the slightest. Mistakes were things that needed to be fixed and this… well, this was a solution. At least, that’s what Kara tried to convince herself of as she hovered beneath layers of clouds, silently observing the city below. It was easier to go with the answer she wanted than to accept that there was no longer anything she could do to repair things.

But then again, she knew she didn’t really want to repair things. After all, that was why she’d quit in the first place, she was tired of being the only one trying to fix things.

Closing her eyes as she absorbed the city buzz, Kara allowed herself to float on her back. She drifted calmly, just letting the wind carry her over the buildings and rows of streets. Most days when Kara had spare moments like these, she chose to linger above the park. There was hardly ever any crime there and the few times she had to help people was for simple things like a cat getting stuck in a tree or something equally mundane.

After a moment of contemplation, Kara opened her eyes and looked back down at the park below. She narrowed her vision in on one of the fountains with an absentminded smile. Already, her mind had trailed off to thoughts of Lena- having a (lunch) date on one of the benches or lying on a blanket spread over the grass, staring silently up at the sky. They could get churros from one of the carts or falafel from the stand by the Subway station.

The possibilities flooding through her were endless. But the flutter Kara got in her stomach and the way her heart skipped a beat as she imagined Lena intertwining their fingers and smiling over at her remained the same in every scenario.

Tilting her head to one side, Kara straightened up her posture and focused in on the park. A young girl was standing near the fountain she’d been watching, pacing frantically back and forth. She looked like she was asking for help, making oddly familiar gestures with her hands as she walked.

Without giving it a second thought, Kara redirected herself and flew over to the fountain. She touched down beside the girl and brushed her hair out of her face, smiling warmly as she landed.

“Hey, are you okay?”

The child appeared to be about twelve or thirteen, with torn converse sneakers and a backpack swung over one shoulder that signaled she must’ve been on her way home from school.

“Supergirl!” She exclaimed. She signed as she spoke, her expression instantly lighting up. “I was walking with my mom and we started racing but I went too far and now I can’t find her.”

“Oh, okay. Do you want me to help you look?” Kara signed as she spoke, offering a reassuring grin.

Right away, the girl nodded. “Yes, thank you so much! We’re from Metropolis and everything here is just so new-- I don’t know the city and well, I guess it’s easy to get lost.”

“Well don’t worry, I’ll help you find your mom,” Kara consoled her. “Can you tell me your name?”

“Ruby. My mom’s name is Sam.”

Kara nodded. She let Ruby lead her in the direction of where she’d come from, doing a quick scan of the park once to make sure everything was safe and it was just a simple separation she was dealing with.

“That’s a really pretty name,” she commented after a moment. “What are you guys doing in National City?”

“We’re here to see my aunt. Her life kinda just blew up in her face and my mom thinks if we visit, she might be able to help.”

“Oh.”

“Hey-- can I ask a question?”

“Sure,” Kara signed. “Ask away!”

“How come you can sign?” Ruby asked.

“One of my best friends is Deaf, so I learned for her.”

Ruby smiled, looking up at Supergirl with eyes full of wonder. She almost couldn’t believe it, she was talking to her. Her favorite hero was helping her find her mom which, embarrassing as the separation was, was so freaking cool! And now only that but Supergirl could sign! That made her even more amazing than she ever could’ve imagined.

“I am too,” Ruby signed. “Most people assume I’m not because I can talk pretty well. But I am, and so is my aunt.”

Kara chuckled, doing her best to keep up. Luckily, Ruby did speak pretty clearly, so she had no problem understanding that part. She just signed so quickly-- it would’ve been impossible to keep up with if she hadn’t been able to rely on the vocal cues.

Kara couldn’t help but wonder if Lena purposefully signed slower so she’d be able to keep up. She’d just never thought about it that deeply before.

“I think we were coming this way,” Ruby said and pointed to an intersection towards the center of the park. “Can you see anything?”

“I see a few people, so I’m sure we’ll get to your mom soon,” Kara signed.

“No bad guys?” Ruby smiled excitedly and bounced on her toes at the thought, as if hoping one would be waiting just for them at the next corner.

Kara shook her head, laughing softly at the question. “No bad guys.”

“Damn.” Ruby sighed. “It would be so cool to see you fight someone. I'd have a great story for school tomorrow.”

“Well, you can still tell everyone you know you got a personal escort from Supergirl.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Ruby signed with a shrug. “I don’t know if they’d believe me, but it’ll be fun to tell.”

“What if we took some pictures? Then you’d have proof.”

“Really? You’d do that?”

Kara nodded. “Yeah, when we find your mom we can take a whole bunch.”

“Oh-- Rubes, she’s right over there!”

The wind chimes hanging above the doorway rang out a soothing melody as the cafe door was shut. Lena sat alone at her table towards the back, book in her hands, watching the steady trickle of people out of the corner of her eye. She glanced up as she saw the duo walking towards her and smiled, happily waving them over.

“Hey, Aunt Lena!”

Before Lena could even stand up fully, a pair of arms were thrown around her waist, knocking all the wind out of her. Lena was so shocked by the contact she had to remind herself who it was before she could reciprocate and wrap her own arms around Ruby to give her a gentle squeeze.

“Can you tell we missed you?” Ruby’s mother joked said when Ruby eventually pulled away.

“Just a bit,” Lena signed back with a chuckle. “I still can’t believe you’re here.”

“Of course!” Sam signed as if it were nothing. “Your world just got turned upside down, I’d be a pretty sh*tty friend if I didn’t show up!”

Lena sighed and shrugged. She managed a careless smile, not willing to let her guard down for even a second. Not in public, and certainly not in front of Ruby.

“Okay, well, don’t get me wrong-- I do appreciate the gesture, I just feel bad about making you come out here.”

“You didn’t make me do anything, you’re my friend,” Sam insisted. “And that’s what friends do.”

“Alright.”

The three sat down around the table and got settled, Lena still in shock of the whole thing. She and Sam had always been close but with the paths their lives had led them down, spontaneous visits like these had never been possible for either of them. Of course, on rare occasions like these, the gestures meant the world to both of them. But still, that didn’t make it any easier to process.

“So… how are you doing?” Sam asked. “And don’t give me any of that I’m fine or I’ll be okay garbage. You already know I’m gonna see right through it.”

Lena chuckled nervously. There it was already.

She bit her lip and pressed her fingertips together, averting her friend's gaze as she tried to muster up a response. She needed something honest enough that her Sam wouldn’t question her, but not heavy or she’d completely break down in the middle of Noonans. It was a very fine line, one Lena had been walking for days not.

She took a minute before lifting her hands and drew in a breath, wiggling her fingers to stall as she thought.

“I… I mean, I am getting through it,” Lena signed eventually. The movements were soft and slow, as if the words were so foreign they seemed to drift right off her palms.

Lena knew her answer wasn’t enough but for the life of her, she could not find the right thing to say. Maybe it would’ve been easier if she actually knew what she was feeling. God, more than anything Lena wanted to know-- or at the very least, wanted to be able to stick a label on herself and go with it. But for once, she was at a complete loss.

“And I will be okay,” Lena continued. She paused and looked down at her hands to contemplate once more.

I have to be okay, the signs rested at the tips of her fingers. I don’t really have a choice.

“I guess it isn’t easy, but things like this never are.”

Sam nodded, almost as if she’d expected that response. She took her purse from off the ground and reached into one of the pockets. Lena watched carefully while Sam took out a small white card and smiled before handing it over to Lena.

Too confused to sign a word, Lena accepted and turned it over to see the text, her heart dropping through her stomach when she realized what it was. A business card for Kelly Olsen; a therapist who was fluent in ASL, located in National City, and specialized in people with complex trauma.

Lena furrowed her brow, feeling unexpected tears spring to her eyes. She ran her fingers over the edges of the card, pressing the corners into her thumbs.

Survivors. That was the word Kelly used to describe the people she met with.

Perhaps, on some level, it might’ve made sense. Lena had never considered herself to be one before, but then again, she’d never seen herself as a victim either. Never viewed her life as tragic enough to call herself anything at all.

It was only recently she’d started to question her past, the reasons why she’d been adopted so suddenly, and why she'd grown up surrounded by so much hate. Though things were still hazy, up until now, she’d been able to tell herself what she’d been through wasn’t enough to consider herself a victim. And while she hated to admit it, Lena also knew, she still hadn’t grown enough from her upbringing to consider herself a survivor.

“Just promise me you’ll think about it?” Sam asked when Lena eventually looked back up.

Lena nodded and slipped the paper into her back pocket. Kara had mentioned that she’d been to therapy before. Maybe she’d know for sure whether or not Lena was a fool for even considering accepting the offer.

“I will,” Lena signed eventually. She plastered on a smile and looked back over at Ruby, doing her best to look unphased by the whole thing. If she didn’t change the subject now, they’d be stuck on this forever.

“So, you’re in eighth grade now, right?” She asked.

Ruby nodded. “Yeah. Just a few more months before high school.”

“That’s insane,” Lena signed. “I seriously can’t believe how big you are now. You guys need to catch me up on everything, I missed out on so much.”

“Well, Ruby did meet Supergirl today, so there’s that.”

“What? Okay-- tell me everything!”

Kara slipped in through the open window, her cape falling at her back with a gentle woosh as she touched down towards the back of the library’s mezzanine. She left the arc as it was, conveniently unlocked and spread just wide enough that she could soar between the layers of glass without any hiccups if need be.

Once on the ground, she smoothed out her skirt and looked around the near-silent building, instantly getting hit with the sound of keys on a laptop, typing away as if there was no tomorrow. It was all the confirmation Kara needed to know Lena was still at her desk, diligently working away. She followed the sound and made her way through the isles upon isles of dark wooden bookcases, the floorboards creaking beneath her weight.

All the lights had been dimmed. The only remnants of the day being the orange glow which covered the space like another layer of paint.

Kara remembered Lena liked working in the dark. She’d always found it strange, the way Lena would turn off all the lamps in her apartment except for the fairy lights strung up by her bed when she needed to focus. It didn’t make sense how she could find it comforting. But now, surrounded by miles of books and only the smallest remnants of light, Kara understood.

Eventually, she approached the edge of the balcony where she could see out all across the first floor. The silence felt heavier than ever, weighing down and covering Kara’s shoulders like a blanket.

Even for a library, it was unusual. Over time, Kara had become accustomed to the sound of pages rustling and little kids laughing, music rushing through headphones and chairs dragging against the wood floor. Now, it was just typing and the occasional drawn-out sigh. It was strange, eerie almost.

Leaning over the edge of the railing, Kara looked down at Lena, smiling at the sight below. She took the moment to observe her features, knowing Lena had done the same to her many times before.

So she watched. Watched the way Lena sat at her desk and held her chin in her palm to keep herself from falling forward with exhaustion. The way she slowly chewed off the skin on her bottom lip and narrowed her eyes to see the screen more clearly.

Smiling, Kara pushed herself off the ground. She let herself hover in the air for a moment, level with the faded chandeliers, before floating over to the floor beneath. She touched down by Lena’s desk, the subtle gust of wind pulling her right out of her haze.

Lena looked up, smiled over at Kara, and offered a wave, quickly closing out of her browser.

“I would’ve come earlier but I uh… I got tied up at the office,” Kara signed. She intertwined her fingers, almost holding her breath as she traced the corners of Lena’s lips smiling back at her. It wasn’t the whole truth, but she’d tell Lena later. Right now, all that mattered was they were together.

“It’s alright. I know how easy it is to get caught up in work,” Lena signed. “And I wouldn’t have been much fun anyway. I’m… well… busy.”

Kara nodded.

“Were things any better here?” She asked. It was Lena’s first official day working again since making national headlines last week. The situation wasn’t ideal in any sense of the word but Lena needed to pay her rent somehow, so she really didn’t have any options. Life moved on, and either she would have to face this situation, or be evicted.

“Not really,” Lena responded with a shrug. “I get a lot of stares now. And everyone seems to avoid me like the plague… so that’s fun.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

Lena shook her head. “I’ll get through it. It’s nothing I’m not already used to.”

Sighing, Kara repositioned her weight between her heels. She drummed her fingers against Lena’s desk for a moment, noticing the way Lena had already shifted her gaze back to her computer screen.

“So, everyone’s already left,” Kara signed finally, stating the obvious as she gestured to the rest of the library. “Why are you still here?”

“I’ve still got some stuff to do. And it’s easier to do work here than home.”

“Well… have you taken any breaks today?”

Lena quirked an eyebrow. “No, but I feel like you’re about to tell me why I need to take one.”

“You know me too well,” Kara signed jokingly. She laughed and tilted her head, smiling when she saw the way Lena’s cheeks and the tips of her nose turned bright red. “You know what me and A-l-e-x used to do in high school when we needed a break?”

Lena shook her head. “Nope, but I bet you’re gonna tell me that too, aren’t you?”

“We used to dance it out,” Kara finished, completely ignoring Lena’s statement.

“Dance it out?”

“Yup,” Kara signed with a nod. “And I think you could definitely benefit from a dance break.”

Lena’s face turned even redder as she chuckled and bowed her head. She couldn’t help the giggles escaping her at the notion-- the thought of dancing in her place of work so absurd she almost had to remind herself Kara wasn’t kidding.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Kara teased, leaning over Lena’s desk so they were only inches apart. “You know you want to.”

Biting her bottom lip, Lena averted her gaze, allowing herself to consider it while she laughed once more. But she didn’t even get a chance to respond because before she knew it, Kara was taking a hold of her hand, saying ‘just trust me on this,’ and for once, Lena wasn’t fighting it. She didn’t want to fight it, that was the craziest part!

“You’re insane!” Lena signed, still laughing, and allowing Kara to pull her away from her desk.

“And yet you love me anyway,” Kara retorted. “Come here.”

She slipped her phone and earbuds out of her suit's hidden pocket, quickly finding her favorite playlist-- the one she’d secretly imagined them dancing to many times before. Lena took out her hearing aids and set them on the desk so she could accept the earbud, smiling as she took it from Kara’s hand.

And before long, Lena could feel the vibrations radiating through her, feel her heart following along with the beat as it pounded against her chest.

“My lady.” Kara grinned and held up their hands, the stringed headphones keeping them tethered to one another.

She pulled Lena close, her breath hitching as their fingers intertwined. For once, Kara almost felt lucky that Lena couldn’t hear, it made the whole thing a lot less embarrassing.

Then, with the brightest smile, she tugged Lena’s hand and guided her into the center of the library. “Miss. Simone” echoed through her headphones as the space opened itself for them; nearly as if it had been built for that very moment.

“You’re so stiff,” Kara commented.

Both of her hands were in Lena’s, guiding her while they swayed at one another's side, so she couldn’t sign. But from the way Lena beamed and rolled her eyes, Kara could tell she’d figured out exactly what she was saying. “Lemme show you some of my moves.”

“Your moves?” Lena signed and raised an eyebrow. The whole thing was so cliche and Lena wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen Kara act like more of a dork than she was right now. But for some reason, that just made it all the more endearing. They were dancing in a library in the middle of the evening and as silly as the whole thing was, there was nothing else she’d rather do.

“Yup, my moves,” Kara said with an affirmative nod

She lifted their hands above their heads and tried to spin Lena under her arm, but because of the wires on the headphones, caused Lena to trip over her feet and get tangled up in a mess of limbs and strings.

Lena shrieked with laughter as she stumbled forward, only to be rescued by Kara, who reached out and caught her in her big, strong arms.

“Yeah, maybe that wasn’t my best idea,” Kara said, gently pushing Lena back up. She kept her arms around Lena’s waist, the feeling of their bodies pressed together something she wasn’t ready to throw away just yet. She savored it for as long as she could, knowing no matter how long she held on, she’d never truly be prepared to let her go.

Luckily, Lena seemed to feel the same way. She wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck and swayed against her, heart pounding against her chest as she realized how close they were.

It was mere inches between them, maybe even less. Kara was right there- her warm embrace, sparkling blue eyes, and earnest smiles, all just pieced together perfectly in front of her. If she wanted, Lena could lean forward and close the gap-- not even lean, just… just the smallest of movements, and their lips would join as one.

She could do it, she could make the jump, just take one step and she’d be there.

Lena felt heat rush to her cheeks as she stared. Kissing Kara-- it was all she could think about. And maybe she was obsessing, maybe she was moving too fast. But before she could give herself just a moment more to consider her choices, to think about the rejection she risked facing if she made a move, Lena went with her gut and leaned into her.

She closed her eyes and took the plunge, pressing a kiss to Kara's lips as she felt her heart swell up so large it felt like it would burst right out of her chest. Within an instant, Kara was kissing her too, cupping Lena’s cheek in the palm of her hand and running her thumb against her jawline.

There was no big roller coaster drop, no fireworks bursting within, none of the dramatics Lena had imagined. Only Kara, filling her to the brim with more love and care in a single touch than Lena had ever felt before. It was so simple but still, everything she’d never known she’d needed. She never wanted it to end.

Lena gasped when she pulled away, in utter disbelief of what she’d done. It had felt so good, but still, what if Kara hadn’t liked it?

“Was that okay?” She asked, smiling nervously and holding her breath while she awaited Kara’s response.

“Yeah,” Kara signed. “That was perfect.”

Lena hesitated, tracing Kara’s face for any sign of dishonesty. She couldn’t seem to find a thing.

“You want this, right?” Kara asked.

“What?”

“I’m just asking because you’ve been through so much these past few weeks. And I need to know, to be sure I’m not taking advantage. So is this… is it because you want it, or because of something else?”

“I want it,” Lena signed. “I have for a long time I just…”

Before she could get a word out, she noticed expression change. Quickly, Kara apologized and took her loudly ringing phone out of her pocket (because of course, the moment just had to be ruined like that).

“Who is it?” Lena asked at Kara’s confused expression, doing her best not to show her disappointment.

Kara didn’t respond. She had to reread the name a few times before she could respond, unable to process any of it on her own. She looked back up at Lena, pursed her lips into a frown. The name, the kiss, none of it made any sense at all, and yet there it was, all laid out in front of her.

“K-a-r-a?”

“It’s C-a-t G-r-a-n-t.”

Chapter 13

Chapter Text

“Oh-- okay. Yeah, thank you, bye.”

Kara let out a heavy exhale and dropped her hands by her side. She set her phone down on the desk, shaking out her hands as she tried to ground herself from-- well, everything. Talking to Ms. Grant meant she had to uncover hidden meanings in every other sentence, something Kara struggled with even on her best days. Right now especially, it just wasn’t something she had the energy for.

But Cat refused to change for anyone, she kept her words like scratch-off lotto tickets no matter what the occasion, leaving Kara quarterless and forced to begrudgingly pick apart the pages by hand.

“Are you okay?” Lena signed once Kara pulled herself back to reality, her eyebrows furrowing with concern. She’d never seen Kara this focused before, it looked like she was seeing through tunneled vision. “That looked intense.”

“Yeah, I think I am,” Kara signed, though it was to convince herself more than Lena. Objectively she was fine but all that other stuff-- the parts that could be left up into interpretation. That she had no idea how to label. “I… I quit my job.”

“What?”

“Not right now,” Kara clarified. “This morning I quit. So that was C-a-t calling to tell me she thinks I made a mistake.”

“Why would you do that?” Lena asked. “You love your job, why would you quit?”

Kara gave an honest shrug.

“I don’t know,” she signed with a sigh. “I was just so angry about that article they ran about you. I kept trying to advise them against it and get them to see my point of view, but nobody would listen. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized no one ever listens. I just-- maybe if it was an isolated incident I could’ve sucked it up, but it wasn’t and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I quit.”

Kara let her hands fall as she finished. There was so much more to it than that. A minimum of a hundred more reasons had to still be floating around in her head, all with well thought out counter-arguments that made the decision all the more difficult. But it was impossible to translate into ASL at all, or even just English for that matter.

As disappointing as it was, however, it wasn’t much of a surprise. Kara’s voice always seemed to be at its weakest when she needed to use it verbally. That struggle wasn’t going to go away now just because she was upset.

“And C-a-t, she what-- wanted to hire you back?” Lena asked, doing her best to piece it all together.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Lena nodded. She hesitated for a moment, furrowing her brow as she silently reviewed the information once more.

And after she’d given it enough thought, she held her hands up once more.

“You know, I may be biased, but I do think you’re very talented,” Lena signed. “I don’t know much about the things you did as an assistant, but the things I have seen-- the way you learned ASL in a month, committed to coming in here every day at the same time--”

“Neither of those things are that impressive,” Kara cut her off. “I don’t know… I haven’t decided what I’m gonna do yet but I think I might’ve screwed myself over here a bit.”

And there it was. Right as the words left her fingertips, the realization of just what Kara had done hit her. She’d quit with no plan. So interviews, no jobs lined up, not even an inkling of what she might want to do now. Hell-- she didn’t even have an updated letter of recommendation because she’d left before she could ask Cat to write one!

Sure, quitting was what Kara thought she wanted, but what the f*ck was she supposed to do now? She had nothing!

“You didn’t let me finish,” Lena signed, waving her hand in front of Kara’s face to get her attention back. “You come to the library every day at the same time. It shows commitment, punctuality, and dedication.”

“Okay, well when you say it like that, I guess. But I don’t have a plan, I- I don’t have anything! I’m a mess, Lena!”

Lena shook her head. “I say it like that because it’s the truth. Not many people can keep up with that sort of routine. But as for the plan, you’ll come up with something, you always do. And I’m pretty much the CEO of being thrown to the wolves with my career, I can always help you figure something out.”

Kara sighed and shrugged. She’d never been able to manage anything that wasn’t a routine. It was hard to imagine that other people might be afraid of such a consistent system. Particularly considering the chaos a lack of structure could bring-- not doing the things she did almost seemed like they’d be a form of self-sabotage.

“And every one of those things applies to the way you learned to sign. You did that without any prompting or external reward, it was all self-motivated,” Lena continued.

“I mean, I think getting to talk to you is pretty rewarding,” Kara contradicted. “But I can’t say that at a job interview.”

“You can say that you learned an entire language in a month. That you can speak to Deaf people and they don’t have to alter their speech patterns for you.”

Kara paused, confusion written all over her face.

“What I mean is, when you first started learning to sign, I used to speak to you with English grammar and sentence structure,” Lena explained. “Now, I can say everything in ASL and not just Signed English. You do the same thing now too, and it makes everything so much easier because I don’t have to translate little things in my head when we talk anymore.”

Kara didn’t know what to say to that. She was spiraling and extremely fast at that, but Lena still seemed to believe in her. Why did she still believe in her?

“Okay… uh…. what about… what do you think of writing?” Kara asked, doubt lingering in her words.

But Lena nodded right away. She was on board with it instantly.

“You know, I’ve always thought you’d make a good reporter.”

“A reporter? Now you’re just saying things to make me feel better.”

“No, I’m not,” Lena signed. “You’re so passionate about everything you do. You have this desire for justice and truth, it’s stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. You could be a journalist, K-a-r-a, you’d be incredible at it!”

“A reporter?” Kara signed once more, still trying to wrap her head around it.

It was difficult, but this time, she allowed herself to mull it over. Technically speaking, she did have to admit that Lena wasn’t wrong. Kara had always had a love of writing-- always thought her voice on paper sounded much more intelligent on paper than it did out loud. Maybe being a reporter was a stretch but still, Kara could work with that. Supergirl had been a stretch once too and that had worked out, perhaps this could too.

“I could start a blog,” Kara thought aloud, signing along as the words tumbled out. “Or… I could freelance stuff, that’s a thing people do, right?”

“Yeah, you could do it all!” Lena signed enthusiastically. “And I’m not just saying that, you really could!”

“I guess so… I could be a reporter.”

It took Lena a while to get settled after everything that went down in the library. She’d managed to keep herself busy for a bit, to go task by task so she wouldn’t have time to think. She fed Milo, washed the dishes, cleaned her apartment again. But it didn’t take long before there was nothing left to do but other than sit and process.

So that was what Lena did. She sat on her couch, laptop closed beside her, and a glass of wine on the coffee table. Her books had been moved but not onto their shelves. They sat in piles next to her bed, organized by the importance they held. The ones Lena cared about the least were closest to the bookshelves, the ones she couldn’t bear parting with, hidden beneath the comforter falling over the edge of her bed.

She’d tried to clean them up on a few occasions. However, every time Lena tried to move even just one pile she got stuck. She’d imagine herself waking up to see they were all gone, see herself panicking because most of them, she hadn’t even gotten to read yet. They’d just been there and she hadn’t appreciated them, and in a blink of an eye, they were gone.

Too afraid of her nightmarish reality returning, Lena would always then push the stacks back up against her bed frame, sobbing as she sorted through them all over again to be sure they were still there. Sometimes, as embarrassing as it was, she’d even take a few of her favorites into bed with her just in case. She’d tuck them under her pillow or keep them hidden beneath her arm. Anything to be sure they hadn’t disappeared.

Today was the first night Lena hadn’t touched them at all. She’d wanted to, contemplated it for a bit after she’d tried to distract herself by playing with Milo. But of course, in his true fashion, he’d responded by turning around, hitting Lena in the face with the wave of his tale, and prancing off like some high school mean girl. So that one had gone right out the window, leaving Lena stuck to wallow alone in the presence of her thoughts.

And this time, Lena wound up right back at that book.

It wasn’t necessarily the story itself, though. It was little things. The miniscule moment back when she’d been fifteen she called Lex a real Monsieur Meursault because it had just made so much sense at the time. The way her brother never really seemed to care about anyone, how she’d tried so hard to win him over but time and time again, he’d flicked her off like a stray crumb on one of his freshly pressed shirts. How Lena knew, if she’d been the one on the beach that day when the sun had been shining just a bit too brightly, Lex would have shot her down too.

Because in his own way, Lex was Meursault. Lena knew when she was fifteen and she knew it now. Nothing ever changed with her family and she needed to accept it.
“He hates you… he hates you.” She signed to herself. The movements were so small Lena hadn’t even realized she’d been doing them at first.

They’d come on with no warning the same way the beads of sweat lining her forehead and rows of goosebumps on her arms had. It was all happening so fast, like the world was moving on without her. She’d been so focused on trying to catch her breath and get herself grounded, she hadn’t even noticed her kitchen window open or the Supergirl shaped figure slip through it.

It was only when her lights were turned on and off to get her attention that Lena nearly jumped out of her skin as her head whipped around to see Kara standing at the other end of her apartment.

Lena wanted to tell her off, to tell her to go home and leave her alone because the state she was in was far too embarrassing to be seen by someone she loved as much as she did Kara. But her hands were stuck in blocks of ice, her entire body frozen.

“I could hear your heartbeat from my apartment,” Kara explained at the terror on Lena’s face. “I wouldn’t have come, but it sounded like you were struggling to breathe and I-- I just wanted to check on you… make sure everything was alright.”

Lena nodded. But as much as she did to try and keep herself together, it was clear as ever she was falling apart at the seams.

Lena could all but feel the blood pounding in her eardrums, the way her heart was trying to burst out of its chest. She was the furthest thing from alright but if she got into it now, she was never going to dig herself back out of this hole.

“Is it okay if I sit with you?” Kara asked, holding her hands tentatively by her chest.

After a moment, Lena nodded. The whole thing was bizarre, to say the least, but she was too out of it to consider logistics. She’d just go with it for now and hope whatever she was agreeing to didn’t turn out to be a grave mistake.

Wrapping her arms around herself, Lena held her breath. She was trying to become as small as possible as Kara took a seat beside her. Her eyes shut but she could feel the sofa sink with Kara’s weight, feel the way her heart began to beat even faster when she thought about the scene she was causing.

It was humiliating, so humiliating. But even though hated to admit it, she knew she needed Kara. Maybe not Kara herself but someone. Anyone to sit by her side and wait with her for the moment to pass. To hold her hand and tell her she was alright, just so she’d know she wasn’t alone.

“I’m okay,” Lena signed eventually. The movements were small and tentative. She couldn’t even bring herself to look Kara in the eye. Her hands were shaking. Legs bouncing without permission. She wasn’t okay and there was no use in trying to hide it anymore. But that didn’t mean she was going to let herself give in.

“I’m gonna be alright, I…” Lena closed her eyes again and shook her head. She let out the smallest of whimpers and brought her hands up to her head. Feeling the walls close in around her, she pressed them against her skull to try and get her to feel anything at all through the tumultuous numbness.

The pressure was the only thing she could do that helped in even the slightest capacity. It made her feel like a person again. A stressed and out of control, blubbering mess of a person, but still a person nonetheless. Lena knew, though, if she moved her hands for even a second, the grounded feeling would be gone and she’d be stuck back at the beginning all over again.

“Hey… Lena?”

Lena opened her eyes to the feeling of Kara’s gentle touch against her shoulder. The contact filled her body with tension. She could’ve cut through it with a knife.

“Lena, can you sign?” Kara asked. “It’s okay, I won’t be mad if you can’t.”

Lena shook her head. She tried to gesture towards the window leading to her fire escape. She just needed to get out, she needed Kara to know she needed to leave so she could get some air-- escape that stuffy apartment and finally learn to breathe again.

“Are you…” Kara paused. She could tell Lena was trying to show her something, she just didn’t know what. “The window… do you want to go outside?”

Lena hesitated. It was hard to see what Kara was saying. Everything was so disoriented, she was seeing the world through a fish-eye camera lens. However, through the blurriness and waves, Lena did manage to catch the word outside and to that, offering a nod in return.

“Do you uh, would you wanna head back to my place?” Kara suggested, to which Lena nodded once more. The movement was quicker, a sense of urgency Kara had never seen from her before.

“Okay, you’re good with flying, right?”

Lena clung to Kara like her life depended on it as they flew. She gripped the edges of her suit, digging her fingers into the fabric just so she’d know for sure that Kara wouldn’t disappear. It was irrational and probably an absurd fear to have, Lena knew that, but right now that was where she was at. She just needed some way of knowing Kara was there and this was the only thing she could do to reassure herself.

“Hang on, we’re almost there,” Kara whispered to her once they reached the halfway point. Lena was snug in her arms, wrapped up in a bridal carry with her head tucked in nicely at the base of Kara’s neck. The entire time, however, Lena kept her face turned to the sky. It was the only way she could get herself to catch occasional breaths of the oxygen filtering out around them.

“Okay, honey, we’re home,” Kara said softly as they touched down on her loft’s balcony. She kept Lena in her embrace for another moment so she could listen to the sound of her heartbeat. Lena took that time to hold onto Kara even tighter, absorbing every bit of the contact for as long as possible. And when Kara did finally set her down, she let Lena keep her hands on her shoulders to keep from losing her balance.

Together, they walked inside, Kara leading Lena over to the sofa so she could take a seat. She was still shaking like a leaf but Kara couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or the panic. Regardless, she took off her cape and draped it over Lena’s shoulders so she could use it as a blanket.

“Thank you, I…” Lena paused for a moment, tugging at the edges of the cape and wrapping herself in its warmth. She then did her best to swallow the shards of glass sitting in the cavity of her throat. They were thick and heavy, just like the panic settling inside her. “Can you sit?”

Kara nodded and sat down beside Lena, watching silently as she tried to determine how to go about everything.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” She ended up asking. Hoping that maybe if it didn’t seem like a lot, there would be something she could do to alleviate the pain.

But Lena shook her head. She brought her legs up into her chest, balling herself up like a pill bug.

The walls of Kara’s loft were starting to close in on her. She’d thought leaving her apartment would make it stop, but now, things were only escalating. She was dragging herself down through the gutters and pulling Kara right along with her.

Lena had to fix it, she had to pull herself back up. Because that was what Luthors did. And Lena was one of them so it was time to start acting like one.

“I can fix it,” she signed and gasped for air. Burning tears spilled over, blurring Lena’s already distorted vision. She quickly wiped her eyes and choked back the sob threatening to escape her. She needed to get it together. “I’ll be fine.”

Before Kara could say anything else, Lena set her elbows on her knees and laid her forehead on her arms. She clasped her hands behind her head to try and block out the rest of the world, but her strangled breaths only grew louder.

You can do this. Lena reminded herself. Do the thing Sam taught you, do the counting.

Grabbing a clump of her hair and tugging at it, Lena followed her friend’s instructions by drawing in a breath. With her other hand, she tapped her fingers against her neck, four times for a four-second inhale. Eight more taps to go along with the exhale. Second by second the way she and Sam had gone through many times before.

Another tug at her hair.

You’re doing it, you just need to focus.

Lena’s second breath failed and she let out a frustrated sob. The next few taps became slaps. She was getting worse.

Another tug.

Lena could feel Kara tapping her arm. It was faint and distant but it was there. When Lena didn’t respond, Kara set her hand on Lena’s neck to get her to stop hitting herself.

Instead, Lena gave her hair one final tug. She kept her face down so she wouldn’t be able to read Kara’s words but she resisted the urge to keep hitting. There was no way she was going to smack Kara’s hand, even if she knew she wouldn’t feel it.

So Lena kept going with the tapping and the breathing, this time, her fingers thumping against Kara’s wrist instead of her neck. She allowed herself to cry through the struggle until eventually, Lena could no longer feel blood pumping against her ears and the world spinning on its axis.

Finally, after a moment, when Lena eventually regained the ability to move freely, she slowly lifted her head to reobserve her surroundings. The frogs had moved from the kitchen counter to the living room mantle.

There were more canvases now, the tarps had been taken off to expose Kara's art to the world. Most of them were landscapes. Sunny farms and big buildings, rivers with duck-like animals floating through them. However, while they all seemed oddly familiar, none of them looked like they took place on Earth. Kara’s pieces, though the differences they contained were minor, captured another world entirely. A brighter and softer world that looked like it could only be real in her own imagination.

They must’ve been of Krypton, Lena would have to ask about it later.

Okay, you’re not trapped anymore. You can breathe. You’re alright, she reminded herself once more.

Lena ran her trembling hands through her hair, managing to slowly turn her head and look back at Kara.

“I’m so sorry about that,” she signed. She bit her lip, another tear escaping when she saw how worried Kara looked. Lena had put her through so much today alone, it just wasn’t fair. She was bleeding Kara dry and for what, a ridiculous anxiety attack?

“I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“It’s okay,” Kara signed. “I don't mind.”

She pulled her legs up onto the sofa and folded them in her lap, smiling over at Lena. Maybe she was supposed to say something, find a way to help, or offer reassurance, but Lena seemed to still be a bit disoriented. Kara couldn’t be sure if her intervention would make things worse or not.

Luckily though, Lena was the one to break the tension.

“K-a-r-a?” She spelled.

“Yeah?”

“I think I know why this happened,” Lena admitted, her movements slow and unsteady. “And there are a few things but I… I really am sorry you had to deal with this.”

Kara shook her head.

“Lena, you don’t need to apologize,” she signed in retort. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Closing her eyes, Lena released a heavy sigh. She waited a moment, assuring herself once more that she was okay and could still breathe. Kara was there and she wasn’t going to leave.

“I know but I… I feel bad.”

The crinkle between Kara’s brows had returned. Her eyes glassed over and filled with concern.

“I think I’m gonna start going to therapy,” Lena blurted out, hands moving faster than her brain.

“Really?” Kara smiled and extended her palm, wanting to take a hold of Lena’s to show her support. “I think that’s great!”

“Yeah… my friend S-a-m, Sam, suggested it today. I’d been on the fence. I mean, I’ve had these attacks since I was a kid, so I’d thought I was used to them. But ever since the stuff with the papers happened… I guess I’ve been so on edge and I- I know it’s getting worse. I just really don’t want to keep living like this, so I think… I think this is something I need to do.”

“I think that’s great, Lena,” Kara said, her voice filled with joy. She could only hope the sentiment would come across in her signs too.

“You do?”

“Yeah, therapy helped me dig myself out of a very dark place when I was younger. Just the fact that you’re willing to go shows a lot of strength. It’s a huge step and I am so proud of you for taking it.”

Lena’s cheeks filled with heat and turned bright red at those words. Kara was proud, she was extraordinarily proud! Over something so miniscule too! All she’d done was reach out, just that one moment, and Kara was filled with pride.

“Thank you,” Lena signed in response. “Would you… the appointments are by phone call only and obviously I’m not able to do that. If you can, would you mind calling for me?”

“Of course. Let me know whenever you’re ready and I’ll do it.”

At that, Lena managed the slightest of smiles. She let out a long, heavy breath and allowed herself to meet Kara’s eyes. She knew Kara on her own wasn’t the solution. Even with her, there was never going to be a cure-all for whatever she had going on inside her.

But whatever Lena had with her, whether it was simply a friendship or something much bigger, it was still just as important as the next chapter Lena planned to embark on. Kara was in her corner now, she was there and she’d shown tonight and so many times before that she wasn’t going to just leave. By now, although it still seemed a bit strange, Lena knew better than to let her go. She knew it would never be worth it.

“And there’s just one more thing… something else I need help with.”

“What is it?”

“Lex isn’t in Metropolis,” Lena signed, ripping the bandaid off as quickly as she could.

“What?”

“I went to see my mother a little while ago and he wasn’t there,” Lena explained. “He’s supposed to be running Luthor Corp but he’s gone. I’ve been trying to track him down for a few weeks now-- I was looking into it again before you came into the library. But there’s no trace of him anywhere.”

Kara paused. Lex stayed in Metropolis because that was where Superman lived, everyone knew that. If he’d left, did that mean he’d decided to hunt Supergirl down instead? Or worse, was he after Lena?

“Lena, if you’re asking me to help you find him-- isn’t that the kind of thing I should do on my own? I mean, you know better than anyone how dangerous he is. If he comes after one of us, I’d much rather it be me,” Kara signed.

“If he was going to come after you, don’t you think he’d have done it by now?” Lena signed, stunning Kara into silence with her bluntness. “Whatever he’s doing has something to do with me or the rest of the family. That’s why all we’re getting is radio silence, if it was you he wanted, he would’ve attempted to kill you weeks ago.”

“So what is it you need me for?” Kara asked.

“I want to go back to the Luthor Manor. Tomorrow. Lex won’t be there but I know where all his hiding spots are. I’m hoping that if we go, maybe I’ll be able to find some sort of clue as to what he’s up to,” Lena explained. Her heart was pounding again. She was sure if she hadn’t planned this all out ahead of time, just going through the motions of the conversation would be enough to send her down another spiral.

“His hiding spots… like for what, weapons?”

Lena nodded. “When it comes to that sort of thing, he’s surprisingly not very strategic. Lex has been using the same spots since we were kids so I know where to look. I just need you to come with me as Supergirl. For… well… protection.”

Kara, paused taking a minute to go through it all in her head once more. As open as she was to hunting down Lex Luthor, putting Lena in the thick of it all just didn’t seem like the right way to go about it.

Lena was a human, she was vulnerable. Kara could lift a plane in one hand, but Lena could trip over her own foot and break her ankle. And it wasn’t just the physical weakness, but Lena was Deaf. Kara knew it was terrible to base the decision off of that.

She knew Lena was just as capable-- if not more, than most people to handle this sort of thing. Maybe it was just some unconscious bias Kara still needed to work through or maybe she was just worried because of how close she and Lena were. But either way, the reality of it was, if there was some sort of bang or any auditory inclination that they were in danger, Lena would never pick it up. Of course, Kara would always do everything in her power to save her, but there was always a risk. One that was much larger with Lena.

“Are you sure about this?” Kara asked, chewing her lip with concern.

“I am,” Lena responded. She could feel her heart begin to pound again. But this time it wasn’t just panic surging inside her. It was the thought that she might finally be able to catch her brother in his tracks-- to put a stop to whatever the hell he was up to. Yes, there was fear but now, there was also adrenaline. So much adrenaline.

“You won’t even need to do anything, I just need you to be my ears. If my family expects I might go creeping around, they’ll have rigged the place to no end. I only need you to listen for me, to pick up on the stuff they’ve made specifically inaccessible to Deaf people.”

“I guess I’m in if you are. I just… I don’t want you to get hurt, you know? I care about you too much, I’d hate for something to happen.”

“I know. But I also know how to get around that house better than anyone else. Either way, I’d need to be there,” Lena signed. “And if anything does go wrong, you’ll be with me. I know you’ll protect me, K-a-r-a, I trust you.”

Kara couldn’t help but smile at that. Her nerves were still through the roof but the fact that Lena was willing to go through all this with her, to literally put her life in Kara’s hands-- it meant more than she knew how to describe.

“Well, you are right about that part, I will protect you.”

“So you’ll go with me?”

“I’ll go with you.”

Lena yawned as she rolled over, throwing out her arm so she could clumsily pull Kara close again. But her eyes opened when her hand landed on the cold, empty mattress, a clear giveaway that Kara was no longer there.

With a sigh, Lena sat up and brushed her hair out of her face. Kara had left a dent in the mattress, the sight of which made her chuckle. It was almost as if she truly were made of steel. Running her hand over the spot one last time, Lena took a moment before she reluctantly got up out of bed and stretched out her arms to wake up.

She hadn’t checked the time, but it seemed early, early enough that perhaps Kara could be in the living room and not out fighting crime. She could be eating breakfast and watching the news, clad in pajamas with her curly bedhead still unbrushed.

Lena couldn’t help but smile at the thought. She could see it so clearly-- Kara sitting on the couch only a few feet away, arms open and wide, waiting for the opportunity to embrace her.

With another stifled yawn, Lena slipped on Kara’s hoodie (the one she’d ‘accidentally’ stolen) and pushed open the bedroom door before stepping into the center of the loft.

It was cold, but not in the way Lena was used to.

All the windows had been opened, the chilled honey light streaming through them washing over her without any hesitation. She couldn’t help but smile at the feeling. A smile that only grew when she turned her head to see Kara standing in the kitchen wearing an old pajama shirt and green boxers. She was making breakfast with Milo, for some reason, sitting on the counter beside her, leaning over the stove as if to observe her every move.

So sure, the apartment was cold. But this was the type of frost that could be resolved with a hoodie from someone who was now a bit more than a friend or a mug of hot coffee. And that, in its own way, was perfect.

Taking another step forward, Lena folded her arms over her chest and bit back her smile as she watched Kara. Her lips were moving and she was bouncing around as she scrambled her eggs, blonde waves dancing out her shoulders, which meant there must’ve been some sort of music playing. She even used her wooden spoon like a microphone, white t-shirt lifting ever so slightly to reveal the shortest glance at her back muscles.

However, after another quick minute, Kara turned around, stopping dead in her tracks when she noticed Lena observing from the other end of the room.

“Hey…” she signed with an awkward laugh. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” Lena signed. “What’s he doing here?”

“I could hear him whining all night so I brought him here because I assumed he missed you. I hope that’s okay.”

Lena furrowed her brow. “It’s alright. But you didn’t have to do that, I don’t want to keep inconveniencing you.”

“You’re not. But he certainly is. He ripped my cape! My Kryptonian bulletproof cape!”

Lena chuckled and made her way across the room, shaking her head at the thought. Of course, Milo would be what managed to rip through Kara’s seemingly unbreakable cape.

“I’m sorry, darling. I can stitch it back up for you tomorrow.”

“It’s alright,” Kara signed with a sigh. “Right now, I’m just making him scrambled eggs to try and win him over. He definitely seems to hate me so far.”

Lena laughed once more. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Milo getting curled up in Kara’s extra frying pan and getting as obnoxiously comfortable as he possibly could.

“You seem happy today,” Kara observed after a moment. “Feeling any better?”

Lena nodded. She stood on her toes so she could plant a kiss on Kara’s forehead, smiling softly when she pulled away. “I’m nervous for today… but I’m ready.”

“Good, I am too.”

Drawing in a breath, Lena held her hands back up and wiggled her fingers. What she wanted to say was sitting at their tips, it had been for a few days now. She’d been waiting for the right time to say it, but the longer she put it off, the more she’d begun to accept that there probably never would be a perfect moment. All she had was the present, so she’d might as well just come out with it.

“K-a-r-a?” Lena began, just like always.

“Yeah?”

“So… this is a bit weird, but remember a while ago when I said I’d give you a name sign, I just needed to get to know you better first?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Well, I’d come up with something about a month ago. But then you told me about the Supergirl thing and how you’re really from Krypton and I… I wanted to do something that would honor that, instead,” Lena explained. “Not who you are as a hero, but who you are when you aren’t K-a-r-a D-a-n-v-e-r-s.”

Kara brought a hand up to her chest, feeling it ache with admiration and sorrow. She hadn’t gotten to use her Kryptonian name, her real name, since she was thirteen. She’d Americanized herself, taken on her adoptive family's surname for her protection. Of course, Kara always understood the reasoning behind it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. She’d been longing to be Kara Zor El again for decades now.

“So I started looking into what that symbol you wear on your chest means. And there’s no way that I can translate it into ASL, but I can translate the English version.”

Kara nodded. She bit her lip in anticipation, wondering if Lena could see how eager she was.

“And your name-- well, I wanted it to be that but made just for you.”

“You seriously figured out my name?” Kara asked. She just needed Lena to say it, she needed to see her hands to know it was real.

And just like that, Lena nodded. She held up her hands, making fists with both of them and laying her thumbs over the rest of her fingers. She turned them so they faced one another, making a circular motion to sign together but keeping her hands in the shape of the s sign. She then separated her palms and signed a K with each of them.

“I tried to combine the message of stronger together with your first initial, and I- I know it’s a bit cheesy, but--”

“I love it,” Kara cut her off. It was almost better than getting her old name back. Lena’s name, it was everything she stood for squeezed into two small motions created just for her. It was everything she could’ve asked for and more.

“You do?” Lena asked, still a bit uneasy about the whole thing. She’d prepared herself for Kara to shoot down the idea so this-- it caught her completely off guard!

Kara nodded. “Yes, it's perfect! The meaning behind it and the fact that it comes from you… it’s just perfect.”

She took Lena’s hands and pulled her close, planting a gentle kiss against her lips.

“I love it, Lena, I love it so much.”

Keeping her arms around Kara’s waist, Lena melted into her embrace. She couldn’t help but laugh with joy as she leaned into her, allowing herself to close her eyes for just a moment and breathe in the scent of Kara’s lavender shampoo.

Months ago, she never would’ve allowed herself to get this close to someone. She would’ve cut everything off the moment they showed interest in her. And though the intimacy was still scary, and the thought that Kara could still one day up and leave her without any warning still lingered, Lena knew if she didn’t at least try, she’d never know.

Because sure, maybe one day she’d be abandoned, it was a possibility and always had been. But right now, wrapped up in Kara’s arms with her face nuzzled in the crook of her neck, Lena couldn’t remember a time she’d ever felt safer.

She had a chance to be happy with Kara. She had a chance to be forehead kisses and sleepovers and homemade omelets for her jackass cat happy. That was something Lena wanted more than anything. So she’d fight through the terror on this one-- Kara was worth it. The happiness they had together was worth it.

Chapter 14

Chapter Text

The building was old, made of beige stone bricks, and covered in walls of worn-out ivy. No light shone through the windows, but even if there could’ve been the smallest indicator of life, the glass layers had accumulated enough dust over the ages to keep it trapped inside for all eternity.

Lena still found it hard to believe that the land had just recently been abandoned, that only years ago, it had been occupied by Lex. Well, him and whoever else he found suitable enough to bring back for one of his many one-night stands.

Growing up, he always had loved to be the last child standing. So perhaps on some level, it did make some sense. When it came to the mansion though, it hadn’t been a home for either sibling. Other than his naturally competitive nature, Lena couldn’t imagine why her brother ever would’ve stayed behind.

“You ready to go in?” She signed after a moment and glanced over at Kara. Lena held out a hand, gently tapping her shoulder to get Kara’s attention.

She’d come dressed as Supergirl, decked out in the cape and boots and everything else that normally made her feel so strong. She’d thought it would boost her confidence, make it easier to get through the afternoon. The more time that passed, however, the more Kara was starting to realize that the suit wouldn’t do anything if she wasn’t on her game.

“What?” She asked, her head whipping around at the touch. She needed to focus. If something happened, Kara would never be able to help if her head was up in the clouds.

“You ready to go in?” Lena signed once more.

“Right… yeah, I am,” Kara signed back. She didn’t speak the way she normally did, only moved her hands.

The silence surrounding them just seemed too loud to break. Even the little things were too much. The way unswept leaves crunched beneath their shoes or how the heels of Lena’s boots clicked sharply against the stone walkway. It all felt wrong. It was like walking across a graveyard, though, the only victim here was still alive. She stood right at Kara’s side.

“Kara, are you alright?” Lena asked, her brow furrowing with concern.

“Yeah.” Kara nodded. “Let’s just get this over with.”

She took a step forward and went to open the front door, but Lena covered Kara’s hand with her own. She looked back at Kara, green eyes filled with concern as she tried to read between the lines. Something had to be wrong. There was just this look, this heaviness in the way Kara carried herself, a weight on her shoulders that hadn’t been there that morning.

“Kara… please, talk to me,” Lena pleaded. “If something is going on, I promise, you can tell me.”

Kara sighed. “I don’t… I’m worried you’re going to get hurt,” she confessed.

“I’ve lost a lot of people and I-- I care about you so much, Lena. I don’t want anything to happen in there, I want you to be safe.”

“I will be, I’m gonna be with you the entire time,” Lena signed.

But Kara didn’t seem convinced. She couldn’t shake that voice in her head telling her there was something behind those walls that they needed to look out for. Something dark and dangerous, that would creep up when they least expected it and steal Lena away forever.

“I trust you, I swear I do. But I don’t trust your family, I don’t trust this house or the fact that your brother hasn’t been seen in months. You… Lena, you are good. It’s everything else I’m afraid of.”

Lena nodded. She shifted her weight between her heels as she tried to find the right words to put Kara’s nerves at ease. But even after wrecking every corner of her brain, there was nothing. Because when it came down to it, Lena knew Kara was right. Once they stepped inside, anything could happen. It was all just a matter of when.

So instead of offering words of reassurance the way she wished she could, Lena extended a hand and cupped Kara’s face in her palm, running the pad of her thumb across her cheekbone. She smiled as Kara leaned into her, then raised herself onto the top of her toes to smile softly as she kissed her forehead.

“I know there isn’t much I can say to make this better,” Lena signed after pulling away. “I know I can’t be sure that any of this will be safe. But I can say that I know my brother. I know if we just leave this alone, we’ll both be at an even higher risk if he does decide to attack.”

Lena paused for a second, drawing in a breath as she wiggled her fingers in contemplation.

“I’m sorry… I realize that doesn’t help. But what I’m trying to say is, even though this is far from ideal, we need to get it over with,” she started once more. “And I can promise you, I’m not going to do anything reckless. I’ll be at your side the entire time, I won’t even take out my hearing aids.”

Kara chewed her bottom lip as she nodded, managing the smallest of laughs. Recently, she’d noticed more and more often, Lena would take out the molds of her aids and just leave them clipped in around her ears. More often than not, she’d end up taking them out and not realize she hadn’t put them back in until hours later.

“I thought I was gonna be your ears though, are you doing that too now?” Kara teased. “

Lena nodded. “Yup. You know what I’m hearing right now?”

“What?”

“Absolutely nothing, I don’t think it’s ever been this quiet. You might wanna see a doctor if you’re hearing things because I can’t even imagine what could possibly be making noise out here.”

Kara chuckled and shook her head, giving Lena a playful punch in the arm. “Alright, well thank you for that, I feel so much better now.”

Lena leaned over to nudge her, Kara smiling as she linked her arm with Lena’s and released a shaky breath. Maybe better wasn’t the right word, but it worked for now. They’d get through this, Lena knew they would, and perhaps if she could tell herself that was enough, it really could be.

“You’re okay?” Lena affirmed as she looked up at Kara, eyes still filled with concern.

“I’m okay,” Kara assured her. She pressed a kiss to Lena’s hairline and closed her eyes to take just one more moment, inhaling the scent of Lena’s shampoo, and reminding herself that she was there. She wasn’t going anywhere.

And this time, when Kara pulled away and Lena reached out to slowly pull back the door’s brass handle, Kara drew in a deep breath, straightened herself out, and allowed herself to follow in Lena’s lead.

They stepped inside together, the door creaking with the movement.

“This place already gives me the creeps,” Kara murmured at the noise.

They were met inside with black and brown checkered tiles that ran across the front gallery. Tall wooden pillars bordering the staircase that reminded Kara of the castles in fairy tales she’d read with Eliza when she first started learning English. It was all accompanied by a balcony that towered over the entrance hall. Big, dark, and brooding, just like the family raised within.

“So, we should head upstairs,” Lena signed once she had Kara’s attention. Her lips were pursed and her skin paled. Already, Kara could hear her racing breath. The way her once even breaths became forced and sharp.

She’d been staring at the family portrait hanging on the west wall. Lillian and Lionel stood side by side, Lex centered in front of them. The youngest daughter nowhere to be seen.

Lena sighed and cleared her throat. They’d only just begun their journey-- hadn’t even started searching through Lex’s things and already she was starting to break. She couldn’t keep heading down this path, not when they still had work to do. So she’d swallow the shame and bandage up the tears in her chest. Get through this as quickly as possible so she’d never have to come back to this palace, this prison, ever again.

“We’ll start with Lex’s room and make our way across the floor. My father’s office, then the study. We should check out the attic too. Lex used to use it as a workspace since nobody else went up there,” Lena signed. They’d be in and out. Just like she’d planned.

“Alright, that sounds good,” Kara agreed.

And with that, they headed up towards the staircase.

Lena didn’t say much as she sorted through Lex’s things. She tried to focus on the logistic aspect of things, the methodology to the way she and Kara divided up his room. Kara took the bookshelves and closets. Lena the desk drawers, beneath Lex’s bed, and the small corners where she knew Kara wouldn’t think to look.

Things were easier when she could observe them through a scientific lens. Steps to an equation or the formation of an algorithm were all things Lena understood. But allowing herself to feel anything at all as she searched through the house that she’d spent twelve years trapped in was something she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to do. So they went about it the way they would an assignment for work. Fast and thorough, without a touch of sentiment to it.

“Hey, Lena, I think I found something,” Kara signed from across the room. She flicked the lights on and off to get Lena’s attention and held up an old hard shell novel. Once she had Lena’s attention, Kara set it back down on the shelf so she could keep her hands free. “Your name’s written in it, Lex must’ve taken it from your room.”

Right away, Lena made her way across the floor to Kara. She took the book and ran her index finger across the title imprinted into the cover. Metamorphosis. She’d written her final essay on it for sophom*ore year English.

“I read this in high school,” Lena signed to no one in particular. “I had to pay my teacher for the book at the end of the semester because I lost my copy and couldn’t turn it back in when the unit ended.”

Kara folded her arms over her chest. Initially, she’d chalked up the stealing of Lena’s books to another tactic of abuse. A physical display of power that Lex could perform without giving any visible injury to Lena’s person. However, these novels didn’t seem random, they weren’t just a scare tactic. These were school books, all somehow connected. Perhaps by theme or even just class-- Kara still couldn’t be sure.

Lena flipped open the front cover, rolling her eyes at the folded-up papers that fell out. The whole thing was so messy, it was as if he weren’t even trying to hide. Nevertheless, she took out the pages and handed the book back to Kara, kneeling on the floor so she could lay the sheets out side by side.

“What are they?” Kara signed as she sat down beside her.

“They’re…” Lena furrowed her brow. “Floor plans to Luthor Corp, but only the basem*nt.”

“Luthor Corp has three basem*nts?”

Lena nodded. “The bottom floor is like a storage unit. Luthor family weapons and heirlooms, all illegal tech that’s been hidden in plain sight for years now.”

She slipped the second page over to Kara, signaling to the middle layer.

“This is Mother’s lab. My father built it but never got any use out of it, she took it over when he died.”

“And now it’s Lex’s,” Kara finished, Lena nodding once more.

“The first basem*nt is just a regular warehouse and storage space, it’s meant to create the illusion that nothing else is going on,” she continued. “But if you go towards that back corner…”

Lena paused to drag her finger across the map, landing at a slim row of shelves and display cases. “There’s an elevator there. You can take it to the other levels. There’s a sensory pad by the door, only someone with Luthor DNA can get in. It used to just require a password, but he changed it when he took over.”

“I… I don’t know why I know that,” Lena confessed with an awkward chuckle when she saw the bewilderment written all over Kara’s face.

“But, you could get in if you wanted to, right?” Kara asked.

Lena shook her head. “I’m adopted so it wouldn’t work. The only one left that can still get in is Lex.”

“Oh… okay.”

“It’s fine, we’ll just… we’ll figure out something else.”

Lena drew in a long, sharp inhale and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She stood in the center of the room, taking it all in for herself as Kara searched through Lex’s closet. They’d been there for hours now and still no progress other than the book and the maps.

After all that time, Lena was starting to grow restless. More than that though, she was starting to fear that if they stayed back for too long, Lex would come storming in through those big, wooden doors, the way he used to and Lena would melt right back into that scared little girl she always remembered being around him. She’d revert to who she’d once been, small and weak, taunted for her inability to speak. Desperate for even the slightest amount of affection from her big brother.

It was humiliating, but that was where Lena was at. Where she had been all day.

Sighing, she wiped her sweaty palms on her pants. She needed to remember that she was not that little girl anymore. It was hard to convince herself at times, but she wasn’t. She hadn’t been for years. Lena was an adult now. She wasn’t submissive, or weak and she was not going to let Lex back into her head the way she used to when they were kids.

Lena tightened her hair and pursed her lips, trying to find the stance where she’d always felt the most powerful. It took a minute, but soon enough she’d recomposed herself and was ready to get back to work. So as quickly as she’d fallen apart, Lena wiped her eyes and lowered herself to the floor, kneeling on the ground beside Lex’s bed. She flipped up the edge of the red carpet and smiled when she saw the straight lines cutting through the floorboards, forming a rectangular box within the wood.

Lena wasn’t sure how she’d found out about the secret storage spot, but as a teenager, when Lex was away at college, Lena had used the hole beneath the floorboards to hide alcohol, weed, and whatever else she’d wanted to sneak in behind Lillian’s back. As she lifted the boards one by one, Lena couldn’t help but wonder why after so many years, he still hadn’t closed the space up.

Once inside, Lena found a rather large metal box. She reached in and pulled it out, examining it for a moment before blowing the dust off the top. It was even bigger when she’d removed it, much heavier than she’d expected, too. A keyhole sat towards the front, right above black sharpie writing that spelled out Lena’s name in large, loopy letters. It wasn’t Lex’s handwriting. But it didn’t look like Lillian or Lionel’s either.

Lena furrowed her brow as she pressed her thumb into the lock, looking up for a moment to make sure Kara was still in the closet. Whatever was in here had been hidden for years, hidden in a spot Lex must’ve known Lena would’ve checked on her own. She needed to know what it was before anyone else could see its contents.

Gripping the side of the box tightly, Lena pulled a bobby pin out of her hair. She held her breath and carefully guided the clip towards the hole, attempting to pick the lock the way she’d done millions of times in the past. But for once, almost as if Lex had prepared for this, it didn’t work. So Lena set the container back down, drumming her fingers against the metal cover as she took a moment to review.

The blueprints were in a copy of Metamorphosis , a book about a businessman who’d turned into a co*ckroach. Lena used to doodle bugs in the margins of her notebooks growing up. They were easy to draw and she’d always had a fascination with the insects. Something about the small, antagonized creatures, found disgusting by the rest of the world, just seemed to resonate with her.

But Lex never liked the obsession. Whenever Lena left the drawings out, he’d tear out every drawn-on page, until eventually, all she had was front and back covers.

Front and back covers.

Quickly, Lena grabbed her purse and began to rummage through it. It had to be in there somewhere-- buried deep under forgotten lipsticks, old extension cords, and whatever book she’d thrown in there to keep her busy on her last bus ride. Breathing a sigh of relief as Lena felt her index finger brush across the cool metal, she pulled the key out from under the rubble and held it out in her palm, smiling when she knew for sure it was the right one.

The plans were in Metamorphosis . The key was in The Stranger . And whatever Lex had set as his pot of gold at the end of the misshapen, dulled out rainbow, had to be in this box.

Lena shoved the key into the slot, jiggling it around for a second before slowly turning it to the right. She could feel the click in her palm, the way the box shifted as she removed the latch, and pellets of dusty air floated through the cracks.

Clearing her throat, Lena removed the lid, her heart racing at the cautious movement. She was so focused on going through the steps she never noticed Kara, who had turned away from the closet and was now carefully observing her from the other end of the room.

Lena was too focused on choking back her coughs to notice. Her entire body had frozen, eyes staring at the containers inside.

There were just… papers, so many papers. Old and yellowed sheets filled with handwritten words, typed documents adjourned with charts and signatures on the bottom, medical records stamped with faded logos. There was a stuffed toy in one corner. It was a duck with dirty yellow fabric, squares of pink construction paper taped to the sides of its head, and a head that drooped lazily. Lena couldn’t remember seeing any of it before, but still, the sight made her heart ache. Like she needed to reach out and grab it before it got taken away, she needed to claim it as hers so she wouldn’t lose it forever.

Extending her hand, Lena’s breath hitched as she brushed her fingers against the first article. And once she felt the crumpled material against her skin, the world seemed to slow only for her, gradually pulling itself to a stop so she’d get all the time she needed to take it all in.

Lena Elizabeth Kieran, age 2 years, 7 months, was written across the top. It was a medical form, filled out with all her legal information. Orla Kieran had been listed as her mother. The line for father left blank. Everything else had been either blacked out or smudged so much it was completely illegible.

Lena set the paper down beside her and moved the stuffed duck so she could get to what was beneath. Then, however, she saw that first line of the page below and Lena felt all the oxygen return to her lungs. She recognized the handwriting on the top, the way the letters looped, and the little heart drawn on the tail of the a.

Without even reading the rest, Lena knew instantly who’d written it. She knew that Dear Lena scrawled across the top line had come from her mother.

Lena reached for the sheets with shaky hands, spreading the pages between her fingers as her eyes fell shut and a whimper escaped her lips.

There were so many, an entire novel's worth of letters all written just for her. It was Lena’s entire world, her first four years of life merely sitting in a metal box beneath Lex’s floorboards. It was her history, her family, her records, and proof that she was herself-- proof that she’d existed as a person without the Luthor’s and that in some way, she always would. It was a box sitting beneath Lex’s floorboards and somehow, it managed to capture Lena’s entire life within its four walls.

As she opened her eyes once more, Lena drew in a breath and willed all the strength she’d ever had to find her. Reading through these letters, she knew she was going to need it now more than ever.

Dear Lena, the first one began.

Happy fifth birthday kiddo! I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you on your special day, but I’m sending lots of love and hugs your way. I hope you get to eat plenty of chocolate cakes today and that you get all the presents you’ve been hoping for. As an extra surprise, I’ve sent you a big present of my own that should be arriving in a few days.

I know being apart isn’t easy, but I bet you’re being my big strong girl and getting through it just like you always do. Even though I can’t see you, I’m so very proud of you. I hope this gift will make things a bit easier and remind you of just how loved you are. Because you truly are so loved.

I hope you have a great birthday with your new family, Lee.

Love, Mama

Lena didn’t even realize she was crying until she saw the teardrops falling onto the page. Quickly, she wiped her eyes so they wouldn’t smudge the ink, and set the first letter down, already eager for what the next one would entail.

Dear Lena,

It’s almost September, which means in a few days, you’ll be starting first grade! You’re officially in “big girl” school!

To celebrate, I’ve sent you a few of my favorite picture books from when I was your age. I bet since you’re not in kindergarten anymore, you’ll be smart enough to read them allll on your own! But if they’re too hard, I bet you could ask Lex to read them with you. I’ve heard some great things about him.

I’m also mailing you the stuffed duck you used to love so much. I was going through your things the other day and I found him hidden behind some pillows. He’s still got the hearing aids you made him! Now, I know you’re getting older, so you might think you’ve outgrown him, but I can assure you, there’s no shame in needing a hug from your favorite stuffie every once in a while.

I miss you so much, my darling. I hope we’ll see each other soon, but if we can’t, I’ll make sure to send extra letters to make up for it.

Lots of love, Mama

Lena shook her head, fingers tightening around the page as a cry escaped her. This couldn’t be right! Lena knew what happened to her, she knew her mother abandoned her, she put her up for adoption because of her deafness, she’d left her because she couldn’t handle a broken child. That was what Lillian told her-- that was what everyone told her!

But here were these papers, letters and medical records, and decade-old stuffed animals with makeshift hearing aids hidden in her brother's floors that went against everything she’d ever known. Evidence of a life filled with love and wonder and everything Lena had yearned for growing up, stored away beneath the floorboards as if they were something to be ashamed of. It shouldn’t have been possible, and yet, it was all right there in front of her.

With trembling hands and an even heavier heart, Lena began to rummage through the box once more. Beneath the dozens upon dozens of letters, there were her mother’s old children's books, all with broken spines and brittle covers, but cherished and lively as ever.

There were photographs of Lena, pictures of her sitting on her mom's shoulders, arms out and smiling so wide her nose had scrunched up and her eyes were merely narrow little slits. And her mother, Lena’s mother, looking as beautiful as ever. With auburn tinted hair and sparkling green eyes, freckles painted across her nose, and bangs down to her eyebrows, Lena couldn’t help but cry at the sight. She was everything, and Lena wished more than anything in the world she could tell her that.

Seeing the shadows of Kara kneeling beside her, Lena looked up and forced herself to smile through her tears as she held up the photo.

“Is that your mom?” Kara asked, unsure of how else to approach the situation.

Lena just nodded. She couldn’t seem to sign a word back.

“She looks like she really loved you,” Kara signed. She looked down at the box, at the pictures of a young Lena Kieran, and smiled sadly, knowing whatever was in those documents, though unrelated to their mission, would mean more to her than anything else they could’ve found.

Lena pulled it towards her so she could take in all the photos at once. There were ones of her mother in the hospital, with a dark-haired infant laid asleep against her chest. One of Lena eating fistfuls of cake on her first birthday, and one of her staring into the camera with eyes wide like saucers, tugging at her eyes to show off her neon pink hearing aids.

Perhaps there were too many images to go through now, but Lena would try as hard as she could. She needed these answers, needed them now.

“Lena… you lived in Ireland,” Kara signed, tapping Lena on the shoulder.

“I lived where?”

“Ireland, look at your passport.”

Lena gasped as she took the little book from Kara. It wasn’t until she saw it herself, the Nationality: Irish typed right under her full name, that she could fully believe it.

“That’s why I can’t remember her signs,” she signed once she set the document down. “I remember her teaching me but not the words… she was teaching me Irish Sign Language. It makes so much sense!”

Lena wrapped her arms around herself and looked down at her lap. She swallowed the lump rising to the top of her throat, forcing herself not to cry at all the new information. It was so much to take in but she needed to get through it, she couldn’t keep putting off the truth.

Dragging her eyes across the wood floors, Lena allowed herself to observe the mess she’d created with everything Lex had stolen. To take in the knowledge he’d kept, year after year, when he’d known the whole time, she would’ve done anything for even just a shred of knowledge.

Lena had had a mom who loved her, a mom who’d sent her letters and books and presents on her birthday. A mom who’d wanted to visit and taught her to sign. She’d had everything she’d always wanted and somehow, for reasons she still couldn’t understand, it had all been taken.

Lena’s gaze shifted, landing on a folded-up piece of paper. It had gotten caught under one of the picture books, must’ve been stuck there for years. Without giving it another thought, she reached over and pulled it out, moving slowly to ensure she wouldn’t tear the pages.

Maybe it was stupid. Maybe she was just going to leave the manor more confused than she’d entered, but she’d made it this far on her own. She owed it to her past self to keep going through the box, even if it killed her.

Lena.

I’ve slipped this into the bottom of your rainboot with the hopes that maybe, by some miracle, it’ll find its way back to you. It’s probably pointless seeing as you can’t read anything longer than The Cat in The Hat so you won’t be able to follow these instructions, but maybe, when you’re older, you’ll find this again and it’ll all make sense. That’s why I need you to keep this letter. Because I need you to know the truth. I need you to know I didn’t give up on you, and right now, this is my only way of relaying that message.

So, here it is.

You were two when you got sick. It started with a cough and a mild fever, but at first, it didn’t seem that bad. I gave you cough syrup and let you miss daycare so I could look after you. You didn’t fuss and you still seemed pretty happy, so I thought it was just a cold. And after a few days, you eventually perked back up. So you went back to daycare and I returned to work and I’d told myself everything was fine. And it was. Until about a week later when I picked you up from school and you had your little hands clasped around your ears. You refused to take them off, even at dinner time, I had to hand feed you because you wouldn’t do it yourself.

As the days went by, your aversion to sound seemed to grow worse and worse. I suspected sensory issues so I let you wear my earmuffs in the house even though it was the middle of June. But before I knew it, you were spending all day crying and trying to block out the noise, telling me every few minutes how loud everything was.

I know I should’ve taken you to the doctor then. I should’ve done it when you first spiked a fever and asked to stay home from school because you never wanted to stay back with me-- you loved being with your friends so much. But I’d been so convinced you were going to get better soon and my insurance wasn’t going to cover another ER visit that year, it just left me at a loss. But the second time you spent all day crying with your little hands frozen over my earmuffs, I knew I had to take you.

When we got to the hospital, they gave you IV antibiotics and fluids. They said you’d be fine in about forty-eight hours. But then, the doctors got a look at your ears, and right away, they took you up to radiology for CT scans and MRIs and every other test in the book. It was all just confirmation of what I’d already started suspecting, you were losing your hearing. And though you weren’t yet legally Deaf, the doctors said that in what could just be a matter of days, you would be. All because of an ear infection I should’ve gotten checked out sooner.

So I took you home and after a day or two, when the meds kicked in, you were back to being my spunky, energetic little girl. You didn’t even seem to miss your hearing, I guess you were just so relieved that the pain was finally gone that you were now too happy to think about it. And I suppose since it had gone away gradually, maybe you were never really aware of what you were losing.

After that, I did everything I could to adjust to the change. I enrolled in classes at the junior college in town so we could start learning Irish Sign Language together. You picked it up so quickly that at times, I had trouble keeping up! You just have such a strong love for learning-- I hope that never goes away.

Then, once I could afford it, we got you fitted for hearing aids. You chose the bright pink molds because they matched your favorite striped rain boots. And later that day, I found you taping pieces of pink construction paper to the ears of your favorite stuffed duck. You were so excited, you even brought him to show and tell the next day and signed to all your friends about how you had matching “earrings.”

But about a month later was when things started to go south. I received a letter from your biological father’s lawyers, saying he’d heard about your disability and now wanted to sue for custody. He was claiming that I was an unfit mother and that if you’d been in his hands, he never would’ve let you lose your hearing.

Lionel Luthor, the man who’d left us out to dry for three years-- who’d never paid a penny in child support and made me sign a million NDA’s when I got pregnant, who’d told me he didn’t want anything to do with either of us, wanted to take you away. Overnight, I was overrun with statements from lawyers, medical records, and everything else he could dig up to prove that you weren’t safe with me. Most of it was lies that completely diminished my side of the story, but it didn’t matter. He was the one with all the money and all the power. There was nothing I could do to fight back.

After all, we’d been living paycheck to paycheck even before you got sick. There was no way I could’ve afforded an attorney. And even if I could’ve, with the title Lionel held, I’m sure it never would’ve mattered.

I tried so hard to keep it hidden from you. I didn’t want you to worry, especially since I knew our time together was limited. All I wanted was to keep you as happy as possible through the few months we had left. But you were so smart, you always have been. You knew right away something was up.

And that was when the tantrums started, the refusal to leave my side for even a second. You went from sleeping alone every night to unable to close your eyes at all if I wasn’t holding you. There was one day you even had an ‘accident’ at daycare just so I’d come to pick you up early. But when the teachers changed your clothes instead of calling me, you squeezed out an entire tube of blue paint into your hair so they’d have no choice but to send you home. After that, I pulled you all together and started taking you to work with me, just so I wouldn’t have to leave you alone during the day.

Our last few weeks, I can honestly say we had the most fun we’d ever had together. We went to the zoo and you got a giant stuffed bear. We ate ice cream for breakfast and I taught you how to spray whipped cream into your mouth. Then, I took you to the library and you filled up your little red wagon to the brim with picture books.

We found a little corner by one of the windows and spent all day reading. I kept asking if you wanted to do something else, like go to the park or play with your dolls, but all you wanted to do was read. So that was what we did. We sat there for hours going through book after book, until it was time for the library to close and you’d passed out in my lap. I scooped you right up with your brand new teddy and carried you all the way home.

When we got home though, your social worker was waiting for us in the kitchen. You woke up when you felt me crying and you started to cry too. But they saw you getting upset and offered you a stuffed tiger to try and lure you away. Of course, you’d taken it. You didn’t realize that accepting the gift meant you’d have to go with them. And as soon as you figured it out, you started to kick and scream. You threw your toys at them and when they picked you up, you pulled their hair and hit them in the face.

None of it mattered, though. They didn’t even let you pack a bag before you left. They just took you as if there was nothing to it. You never even got a chance to say goodbye.

So now, I’m sticking this in your shoe and mailing it overseas in hopes that maybe you’ll get to keep it. I just need you to know that I never left you, I never gave you up and I never stopped loving you.

And finally, I need you to know that I’m going to fight for you. I don’t care what it takes, but you’re my daughter. You always will be and you will always be worth the effort. Please, try not to let the Luthor’s tell you differently, Lena. You’re so brave and so incredible, and they don’t know how lucky they are to have you.

I love you so much, Lee. Please try to stay strong for me.

--Mama

Lena set the letter down and looked back up at Kara. The ground had opened itself up for her, that dark abyss she’d always been so afraid of falling through was reaching with long, heavy fingers to pull her back down the rabbit hole. But Lena didn’t fall, she didn’t even waver.

She just sat there, stranded in her loss, waiting for the void to encase her.

“Lena are you… are you alright?” Kara asked, cutting through the tension with a knife.

She waited a moment, but Lena didn’t respond. She couldn’t. After all, what could she say after that? That she hadn’t truly been adopted, just stolen? That after years of reassuring herself that she could be good, that she wasn’t a real Luthor, and she’d never be like them, Lionel truly was her father? That she’d had a life, a real-life with a mother who’d loved her and would’ve done anything for her, but that it had been taken out of pure greed? That Lex had known this entire time and never told her, he’d held all the secrets and all the answers to questions she’d spent years scouring the truth for, but never told her?

It was all lies, everything she’d ever thought she’d known was a lie. There was nothing Lena could ever say to that.

So instead of signing, or even trying to lift her hands, Lena allowed herself to just fall forward, landing right in Kara’s arms.

“Oh, Lena… honey…” Kara sighed as she embraced her.

She pulled Lena into her lap and drew her close without saying a word. She just held her. Kissed Lena’s hairline, drew patterns on her back, and hugged her. The entire time, Kara could feel Lena’s hands moving rhythmically against her. She was pressing them into her arm, spelling something Kara couldn’t quite decipher.

After a moment, Kara shut her eyes. She tried her best to visualize the ASL alphabet, to put an image to touch with Lena’s letters. It took a little while, but eventually, she got it. Kara then slipped her index finger beneath Lena’s chin to lift her face away from her chest, her heart breaking at the sight of Lena’s bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

“Were you thanking me?” Kara asked, smiling sadly when Lena nodded in response.

“I know you can’t help me right now and I don’t want you to… you’ve got your own issues that you’re dealing with...” Lena signed. Her hands quivered, bottom lip did too. She was looking everywhere but Kara’s face, unable to take the simple glances anymore. “But thank you for being here with me… for always being here and always… for always being honest.”

Lena looked down for a second and sniffed as she wiped her eyes.

“I’m used to people leaving so it’s hard… it’s hard for me to show that I care. But I want you to know-- I want to be able to show you I care, Kara, because I don’t want to lose you too.”

“You do show me, Lena.” Kara paused to gently brush the tears away from Lena’s cheeks. “You show me in your own way. And if I ever need more, I promise, I will ask.”

Lena tilted her head. She wanted to believe it, she really did but at times like this, it just felt impossible. She was a Luthor, not only an adopted one but a real Luthor. She shared blood with people who associated love with war and pain with giving. How was Lena ever supposed to be there for another if that was who she was destined to follow?

“You learned a language for me, you’ve done so much and I…”

“You created a name for me, you saw my potential when I felt like I had none, and you told me Kara Danvers was your favorite person when everyone else would’ve rather been with Supergirl,” Kara finished for her. “You’ve been perfect, Lena. You always have been.”

Lena shook her head. “You don’t know… you don’t know who I really am, Kara.”

“Okay, well, I know you as the person who is good and kind to everyone she meets,” Kara signed, her movements filled with confidence and grace. “The person who rescued a one-eyed cat and has the most innovative vegetable garden I’ve ever seen. And the person who was so intriguing, that she made me want to learn ASL. You might think it was a burden, but learning to sign was probably one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Because if I hadn’t, we never would’ve become friends.”

Again, Lena didn’t respond. Rather, she pulled away from Kara to retreat within herself once more. She’d say something later, knew she couldn’t stay silent forever. But for now, Lena needed this last bit of control. She needed it more than anything.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Kara asked after a moment. “Maybe going through all this stuff back at your apartment might be easier.”

Lena nodded. She let Kara take a hold of her hands and pull her up from off the floor. Once back on her feet, she picked up the box, locked it, and slipped it under her arm. She’d do what Kara suggested, sort through everything once she was home. There was no reason to add insult to injury by doing it here.

They’d been on their way out of the building when Lena suddenly came to a stop. She’d halted in front of a closed-door towards the end of the hall, smiled sadly as she brushed her fingers across the wood.

Lena just couldn’t resist the urge, the instincts eating away at her, begging her to keep going. To look inside so she’d know for sure she hadn’t missed anything

It wasn’t long before she’d set the box down and pushed the door open, hinges creaking with the movement. The light shining through caused Lena’s breath to catch in her throat. Through the crevices of the door, it all seemed so bright. The pale white walls and freshly shined floors. In a way, it was brand new.

Lena closed her eyes and entered the space, allowing herself to soak up the atmosphere with the hopes that maybe if she stood there for long enough, it would all come back. Her bed, dresser in the corner, and the ivory curtains. She wanted to see it, to touch the wood and feel the fabric of her old comforter between her fingers one more time. But it had all been taken the same way as she’d been ripped from her mother’s arms. Without any hesitation at all.

Opening her eyes, Lena turned around and gestured for Kara to come with her. She couldn’t help the frown that traced her lips as they took it in together, took in the empty room that had once been the only source of belonging Lena had ever been given.

“That’s where my desk used to be,” she signed, a pathetic tear slipping out.

Lena just needed something-- anything, to slice through that ache in her chest. Nothing made sense anymore but maybe if she could recount her old life, if she could remember facts instead of fantasy, it wouldn’t be so hard. So Lena gave it her best effort and gestured vaguely to the back wall, then to the corner by the window, visualizing the way her room had looked before Lillian stripped it of its life.

“I used to have a chair there,” she continued. “There used to be bookshelves… I used to read… I used to read by the window.”

She sniffed as she tried to catch her breath, using both palms to smooth out her hair in a failed attempt to ground herself.

“I had a trophy case, too.” Lena turned around and let the memory carry her to the spot where the shelf used to be, leaving Kara behind in the doorway.

Her back was turned, the signs only reaching Lena herself. But Lena didn’t care. It wasn’t like she wanted to be saying any of this anyway. The attachment she still had to this place was humiliating. Nothing good would ever come from sharing it with the world.

“They didn’t let me hang my awards with the families, so everything I won at chess tournaments, I had to keep in my room.”

Lena shook her head, her eyes falling shut once more as a broken sob escaped her.

“They didn’t know that I liked having them here. But I did, because I could show them to my tutor and she would always tell me how proud she was, even when I didn’t win. She’d say-- when I lost, she’d say that it didn’t matter as long as I’d done my best-- that there would always be next time and even if I kept losing… even if I kept losing she’d be proud of me for getting back up and trying again.”

It was the only bit of praise she’d ever gotten. All those second-place ribbons and participation medals that Lillian and told her should’ve just been thrown away, Lena’s tutor made a point of commending her for. And when Lena finally grew out of her slump and brought back her first real trophy, an award half the size of her tiny eight-year-old frame, her tutor had been so happy for her, she’d let Lena play chess with her for two hours instead of reviewing her schoolwork.

Now, the trophies were gone. Along with the bed and the books and everything else Lena had ever owned, hidden away, or destroyed with the snap of her mother’s fingers. They’d vanished as if they’d never existed in the first place.

“Kara?” Lena signed. She could feel a hand on her shoulder and the ground crumbling beneath her feet.

“Hey, we should get going,” Kara signed as Lena opened her eyes. She wasn’t sure how to go about this, but she knew staying here couldn’t be helpful to either of them. The sooner they got out, the sooner she’d start to feel safe again, the sooner she’d be able to try and help.

“Yeah… we probably should,” Lena agreed.

“Thank you for coming with me, Kara,” she signed, her hands trembling more with every word. “It seriously meant a lot that you were here… that you stayed.”

“Of course,” Kara signed, smiling as if it were nothing. “I’m always gonna show up for you.”

Lena nodded once more. She let herself continue to cry, the effort to stop requiring an energy Lena wasn’t sure she had anymore.

”You’re amazing, you know that?” She asked. “And if you want to start a blog, or join another company, or even go back to CatCo-- I want to be there, and I-- I want to support you.”

“I know that, Lena…” Kara said. Concern lingered in her eyes. “I know you’re here for me.”

Another nod. Lena wasn’t sure why it was all coming out now, she just needed Kara to know that she was by her side, that she wasn’t going to leave.

Everyone Lena had ever had left her. They’d all fallen like dominos, one by one, away from the girl who’d pushed them too far. And things were different with Kara, Lena knew they were. But she couldn’t let her get so caught up in her head that she ruined things between them.

She couldn’t push Kara away like she’d done everyone.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” Kara encouraged. She wrapped her arm around Lena’s waist, giving her a gentle nudge to guide her towards the door.

“You’ll call the therapist when we get back?”

Kara chuckled and nodded. “Of course.”

Chapter 15

Chapter Text

Lena liked being in control.

She liked routines, the way she left her house every day at the same time, drank the same coffee, and always read the paper on her bus ride to work. She liked that Kara came to the library every day at the same time, and how when her shift ended, she spent an hour on her fire escape each night to tend to the plants.

Lena liked the methodology behind it. She needed that comfort that came with knowing what to expect. Even when her sense of reality was stripped away without warning, when she was torn apart and hurled into the public eye, Lena had been able to rely on that formula. She could drink more coffee, stay later at the library, and bring all her books into her bed to convince herself that through it all, she still had scraps of the Earth in her hands. She could still be in charge of something.

It was how she managed, how she coped when everything else started to fall apart.

But as she drew in a deep breath and stared across her therapist's desk to catch sight of the rain falling by the window, Lena was once more left exposed. She sat in the hands of someone who was there for the sole purpose of siphoning that control away from her, and that was something she wasn’t sure if she’d ever know how to handle.

Folding her hands together and crossing one leg over the other, Lena shifted her gaze back to Kelly. Her jaw tightened, shoulders rigid as they pushed back into her spine.

Lena wanted to squirm around. It was instinct to bounce her leg or chew the skin off her lips to distract from the internal ache with physical discomfort. However, if she did, if Lena allowed her guard to slip for even a second, she would only give more of herself to Kelly. With no consent at all, she'd enable her to make inferences right off the bat, start analyzing Lena based on pure habit before their conversation even began.

Lena couldn’t let that happen. She’d become steady and slow like the droplets of water methodically hitting the cement city street below. One after the other after the other.

“So, Lena, over the phone, you’d mentioned you’ve been having a lot of trouble with anxiety after some incidents from your past have started resurfacing. Would you like to pick up from there?” Kelly suggested.

She smiled, it made her appear inviting.

“You don’t have to get too deep into it now, I understand it might be hard to talk about. But this session is essentially going to be the foundation or groundwork for your treatment. You can tell me the basics of what’s been going on, what you need the most help with-- or just, whatever you’re comfortable sharing, and together, we’ll go from there.”

“Okay…” Lena signed. She held her hands up, needing a moment to find the right words. Nothing seemed to have the same starting point anymore. It made the discussion a million times harder.

“There’s been a lot recently… a lot of things that I should be able to manage but I can’t.”

Boxes of memories. Stuffed toys with construction paper hearing aids. A language she’d never known she’d forgotten.

“It just… it isn’t as simple as I thought it was.”

Kelly nodded. “You made headlines a few weeks ago, I imagine that must’ve been pretty difficult?”

Lena didn’t respond. She broke her rule by beginning to bite at her bottom lip and quickly averting her gaze. It had only taken one simple phrase for her to no longer remain as the fixed, constant raindrops. She was now a murky grey puddle, stomped through by muddy pedestrian boots.

“It…” Lena hesitated, drawing a blank. “Yes, I suppose it’s been hard.”

Kelly knew. Everyone in the country knew so it shouldn’t have phased her. After all, that was what happened when things were put in the news, plastered across tabloids, and ran through television programs day and night the way her story had been.

“Lena?”

Lena lifted her head, the sight of Kelly’s signal catching her attention. She should’ve responded, but all Lena could think about was how she needed to move, she needed to walk or squirm or something so that whatever the hell was building up inside would get the f*ck out of her body.

“If this is too much for now, we can revisit it later. Why don’t we get back to the anxiety, is it anxiety about that specific event, or is it more general?”

People perceived those broadcasts, they watched them, absorbed the information, and kept it stored within their beings. People perceived them the way they perceived Lena. They all perceived Lena and Lena hadn’t even realized it was happening.

At Lena’s next appointment, in addition to the chair opposite Kelly’s desk, there was a pastel pink yoga ball that Lena had to stop from rolling away as she entered the room. She’d looked back at Kelly, furrowing her brow in confusion.

“I always offer my patients fidget toys when I see them getting restless,” Kelly had explained. “You need to keep your hands free, so I thought you might like to try this as an alternative.”

After a moment, Lena nodded and took a seat on the ball. She’d thought she’d been subtle the week before, but clearly, Kelly had picked up on her conflict regardless. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to make of that.

“Okay, during your last session, we went over the problems you’ve been having with generalized anxiety,” Kelly began. “And you gave me some context towards what’s been going on, but from what I’ve gathered, we only really scratched the surface of it. Is that correct?”

Lena nodded once more.

“So, I think today, if you’re up to it, we could start going over some coping skills to help you get through the day-by-day anxiety.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Last week you’d mentioned you spend a lot of your energy putting these feelings into boxes, so that--”

“But it doesn’t really work,” Lena signed, cutting Kelly off. “I try… I try to keep it there so it won’t disrupt my life but it kind of… it all spills out anyway.”

And when it does, it’s impossible to get it back inside.

“Do you think there’s a reason you try and keep it all in?” Kelly signed. “Even if you know it isn’t going to work?”

Lena hesitated, sinking deep into the yoga ball. “I don’t know. I just don’t think these things are worth letting myself break down over. It happens… but it doesn’t need to. So it’s easier-- it’s supposed to be easier to just push it down.”

“When you say things, you mean past trauma?”

Lena looked down at her lap, slowly began picking at the fabric of her jeans. There was a lump sitting in the back of her throat. She wished she could swallow it.

“I suppose,” she signed after a moment.

“Why do you feel like you can’t be upset? Is it just because you think it should be easier to be numb?”

Lena sighed. She forced herself to look back up, to meet Kelly’s gaze so she could read her hands.

“Because it already happened, it’s over, I can’t change,” Lena signed. “Maybe I could’ve if I’d been more careful but it already happened so I just… I need to deal with it and get over it.”

She could feel the weight of the box resting heavy in her palms, see smudges of ink on her fingers from her mother’s words rubbing off onto her skin.

Tears had settled into Lena’s eyelids. They poked her pupils with quilled edges. Maybe she needed to let herself cry and maybe on some level, Lena wanted, even, to let it all out. But the desire in the back of her chest didn’t mean anything. Because she knew, once she began to fall, she might not be able to pick herself back up. And that was not a chance she was willing to take.

She was supposed to be moving on and if she allowed herself to step back, she’d stay there forever.

“Maybe, but things happen all the time that we can’t change, that doesn’t mean you can’t be sad about them,” Kelly signed.

“But it’s… it’s different,” Lena argued, words small and weak. “This was so many years ago. It was three weeks ago and then but I… I should be over it.”

“Are you over it?”

Lena shook her head.

“Then really, the should statements here-- even if you want them to be true, are irrelevant. That’s why it’s so important you start letting these things out, even if it’s just in small, sustained bursts.”

“How am I supposed to, though?” Lena asked. “It’s never that easy, nothing about this is small.”

She pressed her heels into the ground, pushed her body further into the ball.

“You’re right. It isn’t easy. But the more we work on it, the more attainable it’ll become.”

Lena shook her head. She’d been dealing with all her life and she’d hardly made a dent in the boulders dragging her down by her heels. There was no way she’d be able to fix things now by simply allowing herself to unbox the distress.

“What are your thoughts on finding a safe space?” Kelly asked.

“A what?”

“Well, you’re not prepared to talk to me about these things-- which is completely fine, but you may not be comfortable opening up about this for a long time and that’s okay too. So I think it might be beneficial since you don’t want to start letting these feelings out, if you could dedicate a spot in your apartment to those larger, more pressing emotions,” Kelly explained. “Of course, we’ll still work on coping skills and other stuff in that realm, but for now, if you aren’t able to work on them, you can have that spot where you can go when you start feeling the effects of the trauma. You can sit there and do whatever you need to do to ride out the wave, then put that feeling away and go on with your day.”

Lena furrowed her brow, still not sure of what Kelly was getting at. “What about that is different from letting everything out?”

“This would be in a controlled environment, somewhere where you don’t have anything that can interrupt or disturb you. And by having one safe spot, there are boundaries between the trauma and the rest of your world-- even your world at home.”

“A safe spot?” Lena repeated, allowing herself to mull it over for a moment. She hated to admit it but it didn’t sound like a bad idea. It was something maybe even someone such as herself could obtain.

“Yeah,” Kelly signed with a nod. “Why don’t you think about it for a minute. It could end up being really helpful.”

Lena turned her head from side to side, neck popping with the motion. She’d finished watering the plants five minutes ago, but couldn’t bring herself to move an inch. Cotton fingers and icy air engulfed her, her sense of reality bit by bit, pulling itself out through her throat. She was stuck glued to her spot, waiting for the sense of completion to release her with the permission that she could go back inside.

It was an unspoken rule-- Lena couldn’t leave until she was satisfied with her work, without some signal that she was done. A sign that she wasn’t falling short all over again and would keep her creations alive for at least another day. It was irrational, but Lena didn’t care. She needed the knowledge that she was okay and that her downpour wouldn’t hurt her plants the way it did everything else.

So she stood there, watering can in hand as she awaited clarity or despair to hit her. She didn’t care which came first, she just needed something. Just the smallest distinction.

But when still, nothing happened Lena forced herself to begin reviewing once more. She went over each and every last plant, the amount of water she’d given them, and the exact time it had been administered.

However, the air surrounding the fire escape began to thin as she worked, making it impossible to focus. It was brittle enough Lena could’ve snapped it between her fingers. If it didn’t break, perhaps she would. She’d blow into the wind, crumble bit by bit into insignificant pieces, just floating down further and further until eventually, her body was returned to the earth.

With tears stinging in her eyes, Lena couldn’t help but wish she’d been swept up and washed away weeks ago. Before the reveal, before she knew about the box and the truth of her lineage. She could go back to the ignorance she’d once thought she’d despised. She could clear the knowledge of what happened all those years after the adoption, or how the ties that bound her to the Luthor’s were by blood, not just law. Lena would undo it all if she could. She’d undo every last bit.

Releasing a slow, wavering breath, Lena set down her watering can and wrapped her arms around herself, allowing her fingers to run over the goosebumps protruding through her skin, and the tiny hairs standing straight at the cold air that fought against them. Her mouth hung open, she was hoping to catch the air, to learn to breathe again. But nothing happened. Lena merely stood there, eyes slowly dragging across the city skyline as patches of darkness clouded her vision.

She thought about Kara, about how if she’d never been stolen they would never have met. She never would’ve felt the joy that erupted through her and caused her heart to swell with excitement every time they spoke. She never would’ve experienced the love that radiated between them.

But Lena would’ve had her mother. A lifetime of happiness and laughter and the constant knowledge that she was wanted, that she was worth having, even if she herself didn’t believe it. There was so much there, things she couldn’t even imagine because letters and pictures still just weren't enough to clue in to what life really had been like back in Ireland. There was a world of things she could’ve had, memories she could’ve made, and adventures they could’ve gone on together, that Lena didn’t even have the depth to fantasize about.

One day, it hadn’t just been a daydream or hypothetical. And Lena would’ve given anything to go back to that.

She stared down at her shoes, biting the inside of her mouth when and guiding her hands up past her arms, pressing her palms down into her shoulders. The grief was burning deep into her veins, spreading through her limbs. It crippled her, chipped away at the strength she’d tried so hard to build up all on her own.

In a last effort to keep from falling, Lena reached out and grabbed onto the windowsill with both hands. Her lungs were rejecting the air surrounding. They pushed it away and Lena’s control with it, broken shards of oxygen falling into pieces at her feet. And as a sob ruptured through her, Lena dug her fingers deep into the wood. She closed her eyes until her knuckles turned white and the tips of her fingers bright red. Fought until she was weak in the knees and her entire body shook from exhaustion.

I want to go home.

With her free hand, Lena made a slow slashing motion. She repeated it over and over again, but the word didn’t register. Nothing seemed to connect anymore, she’d lost all her power that day on the bus. She’d been struggling to regain it ever since.

Please, let me go home.

Lena’s eyes shut tight as she curled in on herself, the darkness beginning to eat her alive.

It trapped her to that sport, but the more she resisted, the harder the stupor fought back. Perhaps if she’d had just a bit more energy, she would’ve been able to push through, but she’d wasted it all on research, and therapy, and fake smiles at work.

So Lena slumped against the bricks and admitted her defeat to the painstaking sob that wracked her body, allowing herself to fall forward and shatter into pieces.

“Please, I don’t want to,” Lena signed to herself, unaware that she was moving at all. She shook her head and pulled her legs into her chest, hands trembling violently as she ran them through mops of tangled hair.

And that was when Lena remembered what Kelly said. The safe space idea, how she was supposed to find a spot to release whatever was building up inside, and pack it all back up when she was done. It hadn’t made sense then, and even now, she found it confusing, but already, Lena was in deep. Maybe allowing herself to fall apart, surrounded by the plants she’d spent months nurturing and healing, wouldn’t be as terrible as she’d initially thought.

Letting out a cry of defeat, Lena couldn’t help but throw her hand against her collarbone, repeatedly slapping the skin to try and find some sort of regulation as she forced her eyes open. The tears that trailed down left burns against her skin, marks that stung against the piercing cold air. She wanted to scrub them clean, scrub herself clean, but she’d fallen victim to the shackles of grief binding her to the ground once more.

I want to go home, I just want to go home.

Her hands trailed up to her face. She used them to press into her forehead, to shield her vision from the world surrounding her.

I want to go home!

Kara bit her lip, tapping her heel against the hardwood floor as she slowly chewed off the skin. She’d been sitting and staring at the screen, writing and rewriting the same sentence for what felt like hours now, but nothing seemed to work.

Sure, technically she could write. Or at least, she knew how to get the words out fast enough to fill the paper. But when it came to putting things together, making the phrases sound eloquent and perfected, it all just became one big, jumbled-up mess.

At first, Kara had told herself it was just a rough draft. Her article didn’t need to be perfect now, she’d simply go back and revise it later. That’s what Lena had told her when she’d stopped by Kara’s table in the morning to bring her a coffee. It’s what all her teachers had said growing up. But the more Kara wrote, the more apparent it became that she didn’t know how to fix things.

The whole thing was all just so far out of her league. This was supposed to be her chance to show everyone and herself that Kara Danvers was just as good and just as smart as Supergirl. However, Kara had spent the entire day so far staring at her mess of paragraphs as frustrated tears crept up in her eyes. She was failing all over again. It had happened so many times that maybe now, she shouldn’t have found it surprising at all.

Head in her hands, Kara cursed herself for writing something so ridiculous and unfixable in the first place. No amount of revisions or proof-reading could ever fix the mess she’d created, it was all just a waste of everyone's time.

As she cleared her throat and swallowed the emotion seeping through, Kara brushed back the damp spots beneath her eyes, slowly bringing herself back to reality. She just needed to focus, she needed to get her head in the game, as Maggie would say. The only problem? She had no idea how the f*ck she was supposed to do that.

It was easier when she’d just been identifying what she’d done wrong. It was a child's play recognizing where the tone became boring and the words began to lose meaning. It wouldn’t even take much effort for Kara to put her finger on the exact spot where most of her potential readers would inevitably stop reading and close their browsers.

Kara could name every aspect of her work that was subpar and trivial. She just had no idea how the hell she was supposed to fix it. And that deemed everything else utterly meaningless.

Sighing, Kara set her head in her hands and closed her computer. She’d been at it all day, just sitting on that wooden bench in the center of the library, typing away for hours on end. But it was worth it-- it had to be worth it.

Kara could only get herself to focus like this on rare occasions. And if she wanted to harness the same commitment, the same dedication she’d had growing up studying and analyzing the obscurities such as frogs, she couldn’t allow herself to lose a minute to rest.

But even if she did even if she had, the breaks would’ve been meaningless. When Kara reached the peaks of her fixations, all those cues telling her she was thirsty or hungry or needed to use the bathroom just went right out the window.

She wasn’t sure where they went. Probably wherever her ability to form a cohesive sentence was. Either way, it didn’t matter. She’d lost her introspection and her talent, go figure she’d lose her curiosity too.

With a long, drawn-out yawn, Kara forced herself to sit upright once more so she could get back to work. Or at least, try to pump something out before she inevitably called it quits and accepted her fate as a mediocre, unqualified, wannabe.

But when she lifted her gaze, Kara saw Lena sitting across the table from her, smiling nervously with both hands folded on the desk.

“It’s my lunch break now,” she signed at Kara’s confusion. “I don’t think you’ve left this spot all day so I was wondering if you’d want me to pick something up for you. Maybe Noonans?”

“Oh… you don’t have to, I can grab something later,” Kara signed. She couldn’t help but notice the bags that bulged beneath Lena’s eyes, the way they seemed a bit watery; as if she’d just gotten done crying. “And as you said, this is your break, you should relax.”

“But you never say no to lunch…”

Lena’s face fell, her hands hovering in the air as she narrowed her eyes. Kara always accepted food. It was probably her most reliable quality. No matter her mood or stature, she was always willing to eat. The denial had to mean something was wrong.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I’ve seen you eat your own weight in potstickers three times this week alone, but now you’re not hungry.”

Kara smiled sadly. Lena had always had a way of reading people that way, of peering between the lines and dissecting every conversation in a manner Kara knew she’d never been able to understand. Perhaps she shouldn’t have been surprised by the intuition, but it still blew her away every time.

“I’m sorry, I’m just stressed about the article,” she signed, shrugging in defeat.“I’ve been working on it all day and nothing… it’s just… bad.”

Kara shifted in her seat, unable to bring herself to meet Lena’s gaze.

“But I shouldn’t be unloading it on you. You’ve got your own stuff going on with… you know…”

“Maybe you just need a break,” Lena suggested. “You’ve been focused for so long, clearing your head for a bit could be helpful.”

Kara shook her head. “I know I should stop, but if I leave now, I’m never going to be able to get myself to focus again. I need to stay in the zone. Besides, if I end up having some sort of breakthrough, I don’t want it to happen while I’m procrastinating.”

“Even if it means not eating?” Lena raised an eyebrow, smirking ever so slightly. She propped herself up on her elbows and leaned across the table, offering the warmest smile.

“Well… if you have time, I guess a donut from Noonan’s couldn’t hurt,” Kara signed. “The strawberry with rainbow sprinkles?”

She couldn’t help but smile at the way Lena rolled her eyes and nodded as if she’d been expecting that response all along.

“I thought so,” Lena responded with a chuckle. “Anything else?”

“Maybe a hot chocolate?” Kara asked. “You know, with--”

“Extra whipped cream and mini marshmallows?”

“You know me so well.”

Dimples pressed into the corners of Lena’s lips as she giggled and leaned even further, touching her lips to Kara’s for just a moment before pulling away again.

"I'll be back before you know it," she signed. "Just stay put."

"Don't worry." Kara chuckled. "I'll be right here."

“Lena,” Kara called out, clumsily stuffing her left heel into her boot as she hopped through the living room.

“f*ck!”

She picked herself up, looking down at the jacket she’d tripped over with a sigh. It had been sitting on the floor for hours now. Long forgotten by Kara, who’d been hit with a wave of instant inspiration once she’d gotten home and had spent every second sense working on her article.

“Lena, have you seen my cape?”

She turned around, doing another quick scan of the living room to make sure she hadn’t missed anything. She’d been sitting on the couch, working all afternoon, so logically it couldn’t have been too far. It just made the fact that Kara was going to be late for a mission because she lost her giant red cape that could’ve been spotted from miles away a million times more embarrassing.

“Right, she can’t hear you.”

After lifting the sofa with one hand to check below it, Kara set her hands on her hips and made her way through the loft. Lena was in her bedroom, she had been since they’d gotten back. Kara had invited her over, asking if she could be there for moral support while she worked. Of course, Lena had obliged and had been in Kara’s room, doing her own work just a few feet away so Kara could come to get her if needed.

So as a last resort, Kara made her way back into the bedroom, hoping to Rao she’d be able to save herself the embarrassment of going out to fight some rogue alien in just her cheerleader skirt and top. However, when Kara saw Lena curled up in her bed, wrapped up like a burrito in none other than her bulletproof, crimson cape, all the worry went away.

“Oh.”

She chuckled to herself and slowly approached her girlfriend, smiling as she sat down on the edge of the bed beside her.

Lena was fast asleep. Her lips parted and snoring quietly, an open book lying at her side. Her hearing aids were out, left discarded next to her head, and her hair had been taken out of its slicked-back ponytail so that it fell in messy waves by her shoulders. She looked more peaceful then than she had been in weeks, Kara couldn’t bear to wake her.

So she picked up Lena’s hearing aids and set them safely on the nightstand along with the book, using the inner cover to mark the page. Then, once everything was cleared up, Kara knelt beside her and smiled, pressing the softest of kisses to Lena’s forehead.

“I love you, Lena,” Kara whispered. “I’ll be back soon.”

“I cannot believe you went out like that without your cape,” Alex scolded as they made their way down the gray steps leading to the DEO bullpen. “How do you even forget it? That thing weighs like ten pounds!”

“I didn’t forget it,” Kara retorted. She folded her arms over her chest, pouting while she shot Alex a glare. “Lena was asleep with it and I didn’t wanna wake her. You would’ve done the same for Maggie.”

Alex hesitated, tilting her head to the side to avoid having to admit that Kara probably was right about that. Maggie had had her wrapped around her finger ever since they met, the hold she had on her was completely and utterly undeniable.

“Besides, she just looked so relaxed and-- hey! You’re not even listening!”

Kara reached out and gave Alex a playful punch in the arm. She scowled and sighed dramatically, shaking her head in disapproval at her sister, who had already been distracted by her phone.

“Calm down, I’m just talking to your girlfriend.”

“What? When did you guys become friends?”

“I’m not really sure, she just texted me about…” Alex paused. She bit back a smile as she looked at Kara, who was about to explode from curiosity. “About something a few days ago, and I don’t know we’ve been talking.”

“Talking about what? Does she talk about me?”

“Yes, she talks about you.”

“Is it-- well, what does she say?”

Alex turned on her heel and folded her arms over her chest. “She says she thinks you should wear your cape on missions so you don’t look like a Kryptonian slob on national television!”

Kara huffed in frustration, mocking Alex by repeating her statement the way she used to when they were kids.

“Come on,” she practically begged. “Please tell me what she said?”

“I can’t do that, but I can promise you’ll find out eventually,” Alex said. She smiled, setting a hand on Kara’s shoulder. “And when you do, you’re gonna be really happy that you let it stay a surprise.”

Kara sighed but gave a reluctant nod. As much as she wanted to know what was going on, she trusted Lena. And she knew if there was something to worry about, Alex would’ve told her right away. So she’d try to let it slide and hope for the best.

“Okay, I’ve uh-- I’ve gotta go, I’ll talk to you later?” Alex asked. Her eyes drifted down to her phone, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

“Yeah, I’ll talk to you later.”

With that, Alex turned the corner and made her way into the breakdown, her gaze still glued to her phone.

[Alex] BTW, Kara knows we're talking now. You sure you wanna keep this a secret?

[Lena] I’m sure. If it doesn’t end up working, I don’t want to disappoint her. She does so much for me already and I just want this to be a good thing, I know if it fails she’ll be let down.

[Alex] She won’t be disappointed, trust me.

[Lena] Yeah. Just hoping it’ll work and we won’t have to find out.

[Alex] How many appointments have you been to so far?

[Lena] Nine. I’ve been going three times a week.

[Alex] Damn, you’re going all out.

[Lena] What can I say? Your sister deserves the best.

Alex smiled at the message, turning off her phone and slipping it into her back pocket. She may have had her apprehensions about Lena at first, but there was one thing neither of them ever seemed to doubt: Kara really did deserve the best. And the more she got to know her, the more Alex realized, she’d found that with Lena.

Kara couldn’t help but smile as she touched down, still in her suit on her fire escape, and crept in through the open window. The sound of Lena padding through the kitchen, mixed with music pouring out through her headphones, served the perfect reminder that Kara was home. That finally, she could kick her boots off and relax.

She flicked the lights on and off as she entered, getting Lena’s attention right away.

“You’re home!” She grinned. Dimples creased the corners of her lips, the sight of which filled Kara with joy. Her smile only widened when Lena tugged the blanket-like fabric of the cape around her shoulders and shimmied to the side, causing Kara to laugh loudly as she shook her fists with delight.

“You’re such a goober,” she joked, shaking her head with a laugh. As cheesy as it was though, Kara couldn’t help but soak up all of Lena’s glee. It was just so infectious, she could’ve basked in it forever.

“Come on,” Lena signed, gesturing for her to come closer.

She’d already changed into her pajamas, a pair of plaid shorts and one of Kara’s old t-shirts, a get-up that Kara couldn’t get enough of. She loved seeing Lena in her clothes, loved that Lena now felt comfortable enough to take them without asking, and how whenever she got them back, they always smelled like her.

“I’m making dinner, it’ll be ready in a few minutes.”

“Okay okay, I’m coming.”

Lena smiled, satisfied, and took her headphones off.

She’d only recently become aware of how rare these moments of tranquility were. It wasn’t often that the darkness surrounding opened up long enough for them to share their happiness as a whole. For them to laugh and do nothing but enjoy each other’s company.

It wasn’t that the darkness had left. It was still there, they both knew when the moment was over, far before they wanted it to be, they’d go back to reality, back to fighting the angst that always seemed to be following right at their heels.

But here, as they taunted and teased one another, it seemed to form a ring around them. Quiet talons of black still seeped in around the edges, but the rest was light. Their light. It was bright and warm, filling Lena with a love she knew would never leave. It was Kara and the spirit they had together, something Lena had never had with anyone else.

“Shut up, you know I get it from you,” Lena retorted. She gave a dramatic eye roll but didn’t hesitate to step closer to Kara.

“Yeah, you might have a point there.”

Kara slipped her hands around Lena’s waist, the sound of laughter instantly filling her up again as she lifted Lena up into the air and held her for a moment, almost as if she weighed nothing at all. Selfishly, she allowed herself to relish in the sound for just a second longer setting Lena down on the counter by the stove.

“Okay, let me tell you all about the villain I thwarted today,” Kara signed, happily hopping backward so Lena could get a better view of her hands.

“I cannot believe I’m dating someone who just used thwarted and villain in the same sentence,” Lena signed, scoffing in mock disgust. She pulled her legs up into her lap so she was sitting criss-cross applesauce, her emollient giggles never wavering for a second.

“Dating?” Kara repeated. Her eyes had widened, a nervous crinkle appearing between them, but her smile still remained. “Are we dating?”

“I…” Lena froze, her laughter instantly subsiding.

She wanted to say yes, more than anything, wanted to say yes. But if she did and that wasn’t what Kara wanted, she’d ruin everything. Just a simple confirmation could go back on months of friendship, months of love and tender yearning, of game nights, and TV marathons. Lena couldn’t lose that. She couldn’t lose her favorite person.

“Lena?”

“Can we?” Lena’s hands trembled as she signed. “Can we date?”

As Kara nodded, her smile quickly returned. “Yeah, I’d really like that.”

A sigh of relief escaped Lena’s lips. “You’ll let me whisk you away and sweep you off your feet?”

“Yes!” Kara exclaimed. She was grinning like an idiot but she didn’t care one bit. “Of course, you can!”

Lena reached out her hands at the affirmation. She intertwined her fingers with Kara’s and pulled her close, planting the softest of kisses to her forehead.

“I can’t wait,” she signed as she pulled away. “It’ll be everything you want and more.”

“I’m sure it will be.”

Chapter 16

Chapter Text

Ten Years Ago~

Lena hadn’t meant to find it, she hadn’t meant to end up in Lex’s room, hadn’t meant for him to discover her, sitting at the back of his closet.

She’d just gotten spooked when she saw Lillian’s black car pull up into the driveway three hours before Lena expected her to return home from work. She’d felt her chest tighten, her breathing stop for a moment as she realized what was happening.

On any other day, just knowing her mother had broken her rigid schedule would have been enough to send Lena down a spiral of terror. Knowing what came with that change, the way they managed to blame Lena for every slip-up or error, even if it couldn’t have possibly been her fault, was nothing short of horrifying.

But today, after what happened at school, Lena knew things were especially bad.

She’d gotten in trouble with one of her teachers for not paying attention during a fire drill. The entire school had been made to evacuate the building but Lena never had a clue. She’d spent the hour sitting alone in the back corner of the library, working on finishing her geometry homework so she wouldn’t have anything left over once she got home.

It wasn’t until everyone had returned to the building and the school librarian noticed she was still sitting in the same spot as before, that Lena realized something must’ve been up. The librarian never yelled, not even at her.

Not long after, Lena was dragged down to the front office where the librarian phoned home to tell her parents she’d disrespected authority and completely ignored the school's fire drill rules.

Lena watched in silent dread as the woman went on and on about her ineptitude. The entire time, wishing she could fight back and insist it wasn’t her fault. Because it wasn’t!

At least that’s what Lena had spent the rest of the day telling herself. Lex had stolen the charger she used for her hearing aids weeks ago so she’d never heard the alarm. And being the only Deaf student in the building, the alarms had no flashing lights to warn someone like herself if there was a drill.

Maybe if she’d had friends, things could’ve been different. Maybe then somebody would’ve come to warn her or make sure she hadn’t been left behind. But Lena couldn’t talk and nobody at school signed. She also knew from years of rejection, that the rest of the world had deemed her undeserving of accommodating communication, so it did add up.

Go figure she’d be the one stuck in the back of the library while everyone else went on with their potentially life-saving drill.

For a while, Lena felt pretty good about her justification for the whole thing. That was until she actually saw Lillian getting out of the car and remembered that even if her mother could understand her signs, it wouldn’t matter. It had been predetermined that she was at fault for this before the incident even happened. That was just how it worked.

As soon as the reality set in, Lena let her instincts take over and ran straight across the hall to her brother's room. He was supposed to be away at university, studying business or engineering-- she couldn’t be sure-- which meant his bedroom had been empty the last few months.

Once inside, she grabbed the chair from behind his desk and slipped it beneath the doorknob. It was supposed to act as a barricade, that’s what the books had always told her, she could only hope, as she ran into his closet and slipped behind the brown laundry basket, that they were telling the truth.

This time, however, it just hadn’t been enough.

Lena couldn’t remember how or why it happened but that night, Lex had ended up coming back from school to surprise Lillian and Lionel with a weekend visit. And when he’d come back to his room-- back to his closet, where Lena remained seated patiently on the floor with a large metal box in her hands, he’d immediately seized her wrist and pulled her straight back out into the open.

She’d cried in pain when he yanked her away, the box falling out of her grasp and crushing her toes. She’d yelled even louder then, screaming out the one word she still remembered how to verbalize.

“No! No !” She sobbed.

“Would you look at that? She speaks.”

Lex chuckled bitterly. He held both Lena’s wrists and pressed them behind her back so she couldn’t sign, pulling her even closer to tighten his hold on her.

Lena knew right then she should’ve admitted her defeat. Lex was bigger than her, stronger than her. Knew how to chip away at her being bit by bit using a process so slow and gradual he could steal away entire chunks of her identity without her noticing they were gone.

But now, Lena was seeing red. Red, hot, anger for missing that fire drill and getting a call sent home. Rage simmering towards a boil, rising so fast it threatened to spill over. All towards herself for not hearing that alarm. For being as incompetent and useless as Lillian always told her she was.

Lena hated it, the fact that she couldn’t hear. Hated that her disability had burdened her birth mother so much that she’d been left with no choice but to send Lena away. Hated that she’d resisted getting a cochlear implant when Lillian tried to fix her. She hated all of it, but above all, she hated herself and her stupidity.

It was that very same ignorance that made Lena yank at her hands as hard as she could in a useless effort to escape Lex’s grasp. She whined and squirmed against him, pushing out a string of incohesive sounds as loudly as she knew how.

“No!” She cried out once more. “No, no, no !”

“Hey!” Lex snapped, shaking Lena with so much force that she fell limp into his arms. She shivered through quiet whimpers as he squeezed her, her heart pounding against its chest. “Don’t go through my stuff again, do you understand?”

Lena didn’t respond. He’d moved so quickly she hadn’t been able to detect even a single word.

“Lena, listen to me, are you listening?”

She tried to distract herself by thinking about the box and how her name had been written across the front-- handwriting she hadn’t recognized but still had felt so familiar. She thought about how heavy it was and how she could feel its contents moving around inside when she’d shaken it. Anything other than Lex’s anger to keep her grounded.

“I don’t know what you think you found in there, but I promise none of it’s yours. None of it.”

Lena managed a nod, still unaware of his words. By now, however, she was old enough to know he just wanted a reaction.

And once she felt like that reaction was enough, like she’d satisfied her brother's f*cked up need, she tried once more to pull her hands away and turn around towards the door. But as always, Lex was too fast for her. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and pushed her face back into the wall, another scream escaping her.

Mops of hair fell in front of her, covering her eyes so that all she could see were blotches of tears and messy strands of brown. She tried to think of something else, anything else as her lungs began to constrict against their will.

The smell of her favorite conditioner. The vanilla one she’d bought at the mall. The way it felt when she got a new book and the spine popped bit by bit when opened for the first time. How if she pressed her fingers to the speaker Lionel gave her for Christmas, she could almost hold the music in her hand. She could feel it in her body, press it to her ears and her heart when she was afraid.

She needed that now. If she didn’t get it, at least the slightest bit of reassurance that this would end soon, Lena was sure the fear alone would be enough to kill her.

Lena’s eyes snapped open, body lurching forward to desperately shake off the figure still compressing it. She could feel the touch lurking inside, creeping beneath her skin and sitting heavy on her lungs. She needed it out before it made her explode.

She was fourteen when it happened. Ten long years had passed since she’d cried herself to sleep with an icepack one of the maids had snuck her, pressed against her forehead as she wondered what she’d done to make Lex so angry. He’d always disliked her, she knew that much. But he’d never hurt her before then, never kicked her around as if she was a sack of garbage, refusing to listen to her cries for help.

It was just a box, she’d thought it was just a box. She never could’ve understood why he’d gotten so angry. Part of her still didn’t.

The confusion and panic were so blinding Lena didn’t even notice the familiar figure slipping through her open window, the image of Kara, still in her potsticker patterned pajamas cautiously approaching her.

She’d been woken up minutes ago to the sound of muffled, heavy breathing. It was stifled by dry swallows and desperate resistance but still, it had been there just the same. It hadn’t taken much time at all to know it was Lena. It took even less to know she needed to go to her, even if it had been the middle of the night.

“Lena-- hey, what’s going on?” Kara signed as she turned on the overhead light to ensure Lena could see her hands.

“Kara? What-- why are you here?”

“I could hear you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“You heard?” Lena asked, unable to wrap her head around it.

She knew it had happened before, perhaps even multiple times. She just couldn’t remember why.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have come if you didn’t want me to. I was just so worried. I-- I didn’t think.”

Lena’s hands moved across her scalp, pushing past her forehead, and ran themselves clumsily through her hair. She was far past the point of being able to put on a brave face for Kara, she knew that. Knew everything was going to come out whether she liked it or not. So she sucked in her bottom lip and bit down as hard as she could, cheeks flushing red with need.

“Please stay, Kara?”

“Of course.”

Kara made her way across the room, cautiously sitting at the edge of Lena’s bed. She watched Lena pull her legs up into her chest and grabbed fistfuls of her blanket. Her palms were damp and sweaty but the rest of her freezing cold, covered in goosebumps and chills that seeped through her bones, gluing her to that spot.

“I don’t… I don’t know why this happens,” Lena signed after a moment. She tried to look at Kara but seeing the concern in her eyes, it was too much to bear. She was hurting her, hurting everyone around her. “I don’t know why I…”

“It’s okay,” Kara whispered.

But Lena didn’t notice. She’d averted her gaze and was staring down at her lap, unable to move at all.

Kara didn’t push that either, though. She could tell even the act of signing, which to Lena, came easy as breathing, had now become her utmost struggle. Right now, conversation and eye contact, and everything else she’d been taught mattered on Earth, went completely out the window. All she needed was to know Lena would be alright.

“These things just happen sometimes. It’s nobody’s fault it just… it’s out of our control.”

Lena shook her head. She squeezed her eyes shut and released a cry of frustration, balling her hands up into fists.

She was supposed to be fixing this, she was supposed to get to her safe spot and have the breakdown there, not in her bed at three in the morning, paralyzed with fear and anger and everything else that she should’ve been keeping inside. It was all falling apart, sandy masses slipping through her fingers faster than she’d ever be able to stop on her own.

The feeling was so overwhelming that Lena almost didn’t notice the note Kara had slipped onto her lap. She sniffed as she picked up the index card and turned it over, needing a moment before she could read what it said.

Pressure sometimes helps with panic attacks. I know you can’t talk right now, but maybe it’ll make the feeling a bit more manageable.

Lena managed to look up at Kara, though still unable to meet her eyes, could look at her hands, could handle watching her speak.

“How… how do you do the pressure?” She asked.

“Can I show you?”

Lena nodded.

“Alright, tap me twice if I start hurting you or you want to stop, and we’ll drop it, okay?”

“Okay.”

Once Lena looked ready, Kara slipped her hands beneath Lena’s armpits and lifted her up. She had Lena straddle her hips, helping her through every movement as she sat down on her lap. Then as if it were second nature, Lena leaned into her, nuzzled her head into the crook of Kara’s neck. She whimpered as Kara wrapped her arms around her, reminded herself that Kara wouldn’t hurt her, that she wasn’t like Lex or any of the others that had hurt her.

“It’s okay, I’m right here,” Kara breathed at the feeling of Lena holding onto her. She held the back of her head in one hand, the other remaining wrapped firmly around Lena’s back.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

It broke her to feel the way Lena shook, the way she struggled and ached. Though Lena hadn’t told Kara what triggered the attack, she knew enough to assume it must’ve been something to do with her family. Helping her through the moment now was the only thing stopping Kara from physically flinging Lillian and Lionel into the sun.

“I’m here, Lena, I’m here,” Kara repeated at the feeling of fingers, shaky and numb gripping themselves around the collar of her pajama shirt. They clung to her, to the notion that she was there and wouldn’t disappear as long as Lena could still feel her touch.

You’re home, Lena reminded herself. You’re home, Kara won’t leave you, she won’t.

“I’m here,” Kara whispered, the simple reassurance now more of an instinct than anything else.

She pressed a merciful kiss to Lena’s hairline, holding her even tighter as she closed her eyes. Then, without giving it a thought, Kara began to absentmindedly hum Lena the lullaby she’d sang to her that day she’d been poisoned at the library. The same song her mother used to sing back on Krypton when she’d woken up from a nightmare to help calm her to sleep.

This time, though, as Lena’s hand slowly drifted up to her throat to touch the vibrations, Kara was for once, able to recall the lyrics.

It was just a few words here and there, but enough that Kara could try to truly vocalize the words rather than just hum the melody. She felt her own eyes fill up with tears as she sang, bitter memories of being forced to leave home filling the pit of her stomach.

It was only when Kara felt Lena shifting in her lap to hold her that much tighter though, that she knew she’d felt the change. Felt the words and all the emotions that came with. And that somehow made it all worth it.

“It’s gonna be okay,” she said one last time. “I’ve got you.”

“Ah!” Kara yelped as her neck collided with the top of the window frame. Her hand flew to the spot at the impact, the act of climbing onto Lena’s fire escape now a much harder feat than she’d remembered.

“Watch your step,” Lena signed once she’d come through the hole in the wall, laughing at how Kara got herself tangled up in the curtain-like vines the exact same way Milo always did. She flailed her arms as she attempted to break free, Lena having to cover her giggles with her hands the entire time.

“Your plant just tried to eat me!” Kara exclaimed once she’d untangled herself. She ran her hands through her now tangled and knotted hair, pulling it back into a low ponytail to get a better feel of the breeze.

Lena couldn’t help but laugh even harder. She shook her head, gesturing for Kara to hurry up.

It might’ve been silly to be so excited, Lena knew that, but for once, tried not to let herself think about it. She was still riddled with guilt leftover from last night, from the past few weeks, and all those other times she’d slipped up by letting too much come through before she was ready.

So this-- even it was if merely a moment alone together on the fire escape, it was something they needed more than anything else. And though it sounded ridiculous, Lena would’ve given everything to have one, happy day with Kara.

“Come on,” she signed, gesturing towards her once more. “Aren’t you supposed to have super speed?”

“I know, I know, I’m coming,” Kara signed, shaking her head at Lena’s impatience. “You’re such a mean-i-e sometimes.”

Lena didn’t notice, though. By then, she was already standing over by the railing, one leg bent behind the other, the stray hairs that had escaped her dutch braids blowing back in the wind. Kara had done them earlier in the morning-- she’d gotten restless after breakfast and wanted something to do with her hands. Lena had told her she could play with her hair for as long as she needed.

“Hey,” Kara said, gently tapping her girlfriend’s shoulder to get her attention.

“Hey,” Lena signed as she turned back around. She smiled, eyes squinting in the yellow sun.

“You feel good?” Kara asked, extending one hand to take hold of Lena’s. “Or better, at least?”

“Yes,” Lena signed back. “A lot better.”

She pulled Kara close and stood on the tips of her toes to kiss her. It wasn’t much, but Lena was working on it. Bit by bit, learning to show Kara her appreciation and love. Kara hummed as Lena leaned into her, welcoming her warm embrace.

“T-h-a-n-k y-o-u,” Lena fingerspelled, holding her hand beneath Kara’s chin.

“W-h-y?” Kara asked.

Lena shrugged, smiling softly. “L-a-s-t n-i-g-h-t.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Kara signed as she pulled away. She reached out, tucked one of Lena’s stray hairs behind her ear. “I’m here for you. Always.”

Lena nodded, but sighed, still unsure about what had happened.

“I know, I just worry I’m overstepping. I want us to be happy together, to have fun, and be like all those normal couples. And so I… I’d hate it if I took advantage of your kindness because of what I’ve been through.”

“You’re not taking advantage of me, Lena,” Kara assured her. “And if you ever cross a boundary, I’ll tell you. I won’t keep it to myself.”

“Thank you,” Lena signed, her smile returning. “Hearing that helps a lot.”

She took a steady step back, her gaze still locked in with Kara’s.

“So, everything out here looks completely different,” Kara observed. “I think it’s time I get an updated tour,”

“It is different,” Lena signed. She playfully rolled her eyes, sighing in mock annoyance. “I left the window open overnight one-timelast week and Milo ate every single one of my plants. So now I’m in the process of rebuilding everything and the little sh*t isn’t allowed on the fire escape for two more weeks. He’s grounded.”

Kara paused, gaping at her girlfriend in horror. There was so much to unpack there, she didn’t even know where to start.

“Lena-- Milo eating your garden is like the least terrible thing that could’ve happened, someone could’ve climbed into your apartment! You could’ve been abducted or- or killed! That’s literally the first rule of living in the city, you keep windows closed at night!”

“I know, but I’m willing to take that chance,” Lena signed, shrugging. “I’d rather be murdered than lose six months’ worth of plant-growth.”

“You’re insane, you know that right?” Kara asked, to which Lena brushed her off. “You’re like, actually insane.”

“And yet you put up with me anyway.”

Kara sighed, laughing as she shook her head. “I’m an enabler, I’m enabling insanity.”

“Come on, come sit with me,” Lena signed. She’d already sat down and swung her legs through the square where the escape ladder fit through, dangling them above the city streets below.

“I’m coming, don’t worry,” Kara responded with a laugh. “You’re so fast today.”

She did as she was told, and took her seat at Lena’s side, slipping her feet through the hole too, so she could let her limbs sway through the air the way Lena did.

“I’m just excited to be with you. We never get to do things like this anymore, you know?”

“Yeah, I get what you mean.”

Kara looked down for a moment, brushing her leg against Lena’s.

“Have you ever thought about getting space in a real garden?”

“What do you mean?”

Kara shrugged. “There’s all these public gardens and parks around the city, would you ever plant stuff at one of those instead of here? It just-- I don’t know, seems like less of a hassle.”

“I’ve thought about it,” Lena admitted. “But I’m way more into genetics and DNA modification than the actual planting aspect. Sometimes, sure I’ll plant flowers but really I just… I do this to learn and it’s easier to do that in my own space.”

Kara nodded. “That makes sense. You get to have all the control here.”

“Exactly. I would like to see yours sometime though… if that’s okay with you.”

“Mine?” Kara asked. “I-- mine is just normal plants, they aren’t even that big yet it-- it’s not very impressive.”

“Yeah, but they’re yours,” Lena signed. “I like seeing your stuff for you, I don’t care if it isn’t ‘good.’”

Kara smiled, bowing her head with stifled excitement. For as smart as she was, Lena always knew how to lift her up too, to make her feel like there wasn’t even the slightest divide between them.

“In that case, I’d love to have you over again,” Kara signed. “Just keep Milo home, I’d like to keep my babies alive.”

“Hey, don’t bully my son, I’m the only one who’s allowed to do that.”

Lena shot her a playful glare and leaned over, bumping Kara’s arm with her elbow. Instead of going along with the teasing though, Kara reached out to catch Lena in her arms, the embrace causing Lena to burst out in a fit of laughter. Kara just pulled her closer at the sound and swayed from side to side. It was the most melodic sound, one that grew louder and louder as kara kissed the top of her head and held her even tighter.

“Have I ever told you you’re my favorite?” Lena asked as she pulled away, looking up at kara with the most earnest smile.

“Maybe once or twice.”

“Well, you’re my favorite.”

“Lena?”

“Yes?”

“Do you still want to ask me something?”

Lena paused for a moment, pressing both thumbs into her sandwich. She looked up, hoping Kara wasn’t getting at what she thought she was.

“You’d mentioned before you fell asleep that you needed to ask for something,” Kara clarified. “What was it?”

“Yeah… right,” Lena signed, putting up a nervous smile.

It had been almost four in the morning when she’d brought it up. A meek request that had slipped out once she’d finally calmed down and relearned to breathe, still safe in Kara’s arms. She’d been so scattered, so exposed with all her wounds torn open that when she’d said it, she hadn’t even realized what she was doing.

“I did, but you don’t have to give an answer now. It’s kind of…” Lena paused, looked down at her half-finished meal then back at Kara.

They were having a makeshift picnic on the floor of Lena’s apartment, sitting on an old quilted blanket as they ate their weight in grilled cheese sandwiches, chips, and other fried snacks.

“It might be a lot.”

“It’s alright,” Kara signed. “I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”

“Okay… well, it’s about my mom.”

Lena paused, waiting for a moment to feel out Kara’s reaction before resuming.

“I’ve been searching for an online footprint or just, anything really to see if she’s still out there. I still don’t know if I want to meet her, I haven’t figured that part out yet, but I-- I just want to know if she exists… if she’s still alive, you know?”

Kara nodded. After Krypton exploded, she would’ve done anything to find even the smallest trace of her old family. What Lena was going through now, it was only a natural reaction to the loss she’d experienced all those years ago.

“But I think I’ve done everything I can with the resources I have, here and at the library I mean,” Lena continued. “I realized it’s impossible to work it out entirely on my own.”

She hesitated, looked down at her lap.

She never liked bringing her mom up, never liked that when her childhood was mentioned under any context. Those types of conversations always left her feeling empty. Damaged and resentful.

Kara, being the chivalrous woman she was, would always offer to support her. She’d be kind and patient, She’d Lena tell her what was on her mind, or just change the subject entirely. It was everything, she was everything Lena needed in those moments but sometimes, that only seemed to make things worse.

“I was wondering if you could talk to A-l-e-x, see if maybe she could look into it. We kind of talk now, but I’ve never brought this up around her and I think… coming from you… it would make it easier.”

“Sure, we were planning on hanging out tonight anyway, so I can bring it up then.”

“Really? You’ll talk to her?”

Kara nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

Kara ended up leaving not long after lunch. She’d taken all the leftovers with her-- Lena had insisted, another thank you, she’d said, for staying over all night. And again Kara had told her not to worry about it, told her she cared, and would always be there for her. She’d then promised to talk to Alex and text her an update in the morning.

Lena then kissed her goodbye and headed back into her apartment.

She sat down on her sofa, pulled her legs into her chest as she patted around for the remote. Now that she was alone, she could get back to what she’d been doing the evening before, the chore that perhaps, had been the cause of her attack later that night.

Every day the past week, Lena had spent searching through different thrift stores, desperately trying to find a VCR so she could begin to go through the old tapes her mother had left her. It felt like an eternity had passed before she found one, a dusty beat-up thing that Lena predicted would crap out after two tapes. It was half broken but still, better than nothing. Better than sitting around and rereading the labels ‘ Lena’s first birthday,’ ‘Lena learns monkey bars,’ ‘Lena sings the ABCs,’ and trying to picture the moments in her head.

And now that Kara had gone home and she’d found the right pieces of equipment, she could finally see everything she’d forgotten, the childhood she’d never known she’d had.

As her hand found its way to the remote, Milo curled up at Lena’s side. He purred softly against her, almost as if known she needed the extra support.

“What are you doing?” Lena signed, watching the way he nuzzled his head between her thigh and the rolls of her belly, every so often licking the back of her hand so that she’d scratch his head in return. “You just wanted attention, didn’t you?”

With a breath chuckle, Lena drew in a deep breath. She ran her fingers through Milo’s scratchy fur and held out the remote, her heart-stopping as she clicked play and the tape began.

The camera shuffled on screen, a kitchen blurring past. It was so quick, she almost missed it, but for just a moment, Lena caught a glimpse of Orla’s fleeting smile whirring by before the recorder was set down on the kitchen table.

There were a plethora of finger paintings hung in the background. Art pieces and hand-traced turkeys, colorful scribbles done with glitter glue and marker. Dangling on a string, draped down like a curtain by the window, were photos of Orla and her daughter together, all smiling as if they hadn’t a care in the world.

And after a second had passed, a toddler-sized Lena was lifted into the frame and set down onto the counter, where she leaned forward, scrunched up her face, and stuck her tongue out at the camera. She had dried paint all over her legs and wore mix-matched socks with her sandals. Her hair was back in messy pigtails, heart-shaped bandaids on both knees.

Orla asked her something, signed as she spoke, but to Lena now, it was impossible to decipher. The only thing she could catch was her name, the L shape that traced half a heart next to her left eye.

“Lena, can you show me your signs?”

Lena nodded. She made a fist and stuck out her thumb, shaking it up and down at her mom. Orla did it back, signing much slower and cleaner, so her daughter would repeat the same way.

That one Lena still recognized, it was the Irish sign for hello.

“How do you tell me you want something?” Orla asked. She stopped signing when Lena furrowed her brow and set her hands on the top of her head to show her own confusion. “Want something. Sign want something.”

Lena’s eyes grew wide and she opened her mouth, nodding to signal that she now understood the question. She extended her right hand and touched the center of her palm with the fingers on her left hand, signing yes.

“Sign, want something, Lena?” Orla tried once more.

She sighed when Lena signed yes again, though her smile never wavered for a second.

“Can you sign it for me?”

“Yes,” Lena signed again. “I know all the signs! They’re all mine!”

Watching the tapes, Lena could only recognize one or two words. And even those were just a guessing game. But from the exasperation on her mother’s face and the way the little girl with pigtails and patched-up overalls threw her head back laughing, she could tell she must’ve been doing something to mess with Orla. Lena laughed, her eyes welling up with unwanted tears at the image.

“I want book,” the young Lena signed. “Want book.”

“Good job, Lena, thank you for showing me,” Orla signed back, laughing with every word at her daughter’s antics.

“No, now, I want book.”

She scrambled to her knees and propped herself up so she was taller than her mom.

“Read about the pig and the spider?”

“Sure,” Orla said, nodding. “We can go read now.”

Lena watched the screen shut to black, too engulfed in the picture to move.

The scene replayed itself in her head, the image of that little girl balanced on Orla’s hip now engraved in her mind.

She lifted a hand to her lips, beginning to bite at her nails as she tried to let herself process it. Not just her mother, but all of it. The sunlight and finger paintings, the kitchen overflowing with plants, and the photographs that covered the windows.

She closed her eyes so she could see it again, pretending that once again, she was back there. She could get back there. If Orla was still out there, if she still loved Lena a fraction of the amount she had in those videos, perhaps if they found each other again, she could finally begin to truly heal.

Chapter 17

Chapter Text

“So you were adopted,” Kelly signed, her head tilting to the side. “Do you wanna expand on that a bit more?”

As she looked across the desk at Lena, she took her notepad from off the desk and set it on her lap. She’d been writing all session, more than Lena had ever seen her do before. She’d had to resist the urge to lean over the table and snatch the material straight from the therapist's hands. It was painful, almost, knowing Kelly had endless amounts of information on her.

“Did it make things challenging growing up?”

Lena nodded wordlessly. She lifted her head, slowly she shifted her gaze away from the notes to Kelly’s desk.

In one corner, Kelly had arranged an assortment of succulents and cacti. Lena had spent the first half of the session trying to figure out why half had died while the others seemed fine as ever. As Kelly offered prompts or alternative options to a conversation, Lena took in the different leaves and analyzed the colorful, the dried-out patterns she could’ve spent days reviewing. She watched the way the crimson shades seeped into the green, lively flakes the same way Lex had crept up on her. So slow she hadn’t even noticed at first, remained oblivious until she was damaged beyond repair.

At first, Lena had wondered if the plants had been overwatered. Some of them looked like Kara’s-- she’d water them multiple times a day because she was afraid of accidentally drying them out. When Lena explained to her what she was doing wrong, she’d tried to lighten the blow by saying she was killing them with love, but it hadn’t seemed to help. Kara still hated that she hurt them and Lena hated that she was upset, hated to see her girlfriend hurting, even over something that seemed so small at first.

“I supposed it made me stand out,” Lena signed eventually, looking over once more to watch Kelly’s hands. “They held it over my head a lot, used it to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be one of them.”

“Them?”

“My parents. And Lex,” Lena signed. “But they cared more about my Deafness. It was the only thing about me that mattered to them since it wasn’t something that could be hidden.”

“So they hid you instead.”

“Yes. They hid me instead.”

Lena sighed and smiled sourly. She’d been on this Earth for twenty-five years and still, with all they had-- mountains of money and access to the best tutors in the world, they’d never learned a single word in her language.

“I don’t think I would’ve liked living my life in the public eye as a kid. I’m not too fond of it now either… I just… knowing they were that ashamed of me… enough to make it look like I didn’t exist...”

Looking down at her lap, Lena felt her eyes fill with tears. She couldn’t help but think back to her birth mom-- Orla, who’d had next to nothing but had stretched her savings thin to take classes at the local community college so she’d still be able to speak to her daughter. Who’d written weekly letters when Lena was taken and continued to send gifts as she grew older, even though she’d never gotten a single thing in return.

She’d shown Lena more care and understanding in a single breath than she could ever dream of inhaling. All while Lena spent her life in the shadows, hidden away until she’d become a mere skeleton in the manor’s back closet.

Lena had spent weeks now trying to make sense of it. Each night, she’d lay awake and stare up at the ceiling, too exhausted to rewatch the tapes or sort through the letters. Instead, she’d try to see what she’d done wrong. She’d imagine why Orla had seen her as the sun, moon, and stars, while in the eyes of the Luthor’s, she’d been nothing but a speck of dust. She tried to pick through and analyze every event that she could still remember yet, it never seemed to matter. Lena always circled right back to the same answer.

The Luthor’s hatred for her had never been in her control. They’d done it simply because they could.

Turning her focus back to the plants, Lena struggled to blink back the tears.

If it hadn’t been her fault, which was something she was still trying to accept, then that also meant her parents, her brother, and almost everyone else in her life had known what they were doing the entire time. They’d hurt her all those times just because they could, because they wanted to. And that meant Lena never had a chance. All the things she did to try and convince them that she was worthy of her love, had been sacrificed for nothing at all. And knowing that, was in a way, so much worse than any alternative.

“I never understood it. When I was little, it hadn’t made any sense,” Lena signed. She smiled, cheek muscles clenching with discomfort. “I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until they started pointing out my faults. And even then, it took so long to grasp because it-- it wasn’t what I was used to.”

“What would they tell you?”

Lena shrugged and shifted in her seat.

“That I wasn’t good enough and that I…” she paused and drew in a deep breath, swallowing the urge to cry.

Kelly still hadn’t seen that side of her. By Lena’s own design, she’d never allowed the restraint or facade she’d spent years devising to begin to slip. Perhaps one day she would be ready to show what happened when she broke, a part of her even wanted to be okay with that vulnerability and acceptance of her pain. But Lena knew today was not that day.

So she’d push and she’d push until she was back in her apartment on the fire escape with rows of her favorite things at her side and Milo in her lap. She’d let it all out until she had nothing left to give, then finally, scoop it up and put it back inside where it belonged. And maybe then next week, once she’d gathered her thoughts and neatly boxed everything back up, she’d be willing to show Kelly where exactly she was at.

“They said that I needed to be fixed.”

“And by that, they meant they wanted you to hear?”

Lena nodded.

“Please don’t-- don’t say that you’re sorry or that it wasn’t my fault. I don’t want you to feel bad.”

Quickly, she pulled her hair back into a tight ponytail, holding her breath as she awaited Kelly’s response. The stray pieces had been brushing against her hearing aids all day, causing dead static to continuously erupt through her ears. She needed to get ahead of it before the noise drove her insane.

“But it wasn’t your fault, Lena,” Kelly resisted. “You can be angry at me for saying it, but every single thing you just named was out of your hands. You said you were three when you were adopted, right?”

Another nod.

“You were practically a baby when it started. It never would’ve been up to you.”

“I know that,” Lena signed.

Her hands were now shaking. She wanted to stop but she couldn’t help herself. It was all spilling out.

“I know that it was them and not me and that I shouldn’t be blaming myself for all this, I just don’t know how not to blame myself. I’ll say that it wasn't me and try to believe it, but then every time I think about Lex or my parents I-- I just get so guilty for thinking of them that way.”

“What do you think about them? About Lex?”

“I think that I hate him. That I hate his face and I hate those ridiculous suits he wears. I hate his refusal to sign and how he treats me like his puppet. And I hate the way he acts like this is all a game when it isn’t, it’s my life and he keeps f*cking it up because he knows that he can and he knows I’m always gonna keep crawling back and I hate that he’s right because he is! I always fall into his traps because he is always right and I hate that!”

Lena let out a huff of frustration and shook out her hands.

“And I don’t even sleep anymore, I just-- I lie awake waiting for him to come to me and attack me,” Lena signed, moving so quickly she’d begun skipping over words just so she could get the next one out sooner. She was racing the clock and herself and every other obstacle put in her way, desperate to finally reach the end.

“And when he doesn’t come for me, I convince myself he’s going to attack Kara. So I text her over and over again to make sure she’s alright and she almost never responds because it’s nighttime and she’s asleep. So then I delete all the texts and hope they won’t go through anyways because I can’t-- I can’t let her know.”

“Can’t let her know what?” Kelly asked.

“That I’m this afraid,” Lena signed, buckets of tears spilling over. “She thinks that I’m getting better and I am… I’m trying. But it isn’t enough and I know that if she knew how bad things still were, she wouldn’t be angry but it-- it would still hurt her, and she’s already got so much on her plate, I don’t want her to worry about me.”

As she bit down on the inside of her mouth to stop the ever-rising sobs from escaping, Lena hoped with all she had in her that Kelly would be able to give her an answer, that she’d tell her what to do so that finally, Lena could start to fix things. It was unrealistic to expect so much, Lena knew that, but she didn’t care. Kara was the only good thing she had, she couldn’t risk losing her.

“She is going to worry about you.”

“No-- that’s not what you’re supposed to say, that’s not--”

Lena squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her palms to her forehead. She couldn’t keep doing this, it was going to break her.

“She’s going to worry because she cares about you,” Kelly finished when Lena eventually looked back up at her. “And that might be uncomfortable for both of you, but it is a good thing. Especially the fact that you’ll know she’s worrying-- it means you’re communicating consistently.”

“How do I tell her?” Lena asked. “How do I tell her I don’t want to burden her? And how… how do I keep it from happening?”

“We’ll work on it now.”

Lena’s head snapped up as the door opened, a nervous smile gracing her lips. It was 4:00 pm, the designated name she and Alex had come up with for their weekly meetings.

“Hey,” she signed, as Alex stepped aside to let her in. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, smiling back at her. “It’s good to see you too. I actually uh-- I got you something.”

Lena furrowed her brow. Confused, slipped her hands into her pockets and followed Alex into the living room.

“I’ve been working on signing but I’m still not great at it. And writing stuff down back and forth can be pretty slow, so I downloaded this because I thought, for now, it might help us communicate better.”

Alex grabbed her iPad from her off the coffee table and handed it to Lena, revealing an augmentative and alternative communication app that she’d spent the afternoon setting up.

“When Kara was first adopted, she used something similar. She’d get overwhelmed really easily and wouldn’t be able to talk so our mom taught her how to use one of these,” Alex explained. “And I know it’s not the same for you. But until I’m good enough at ASL that we can actually hold a conversation, I thought it might be useful.”

As Lena accepted the device and took a moment to inspect the screen, she couldn’t help but smile. Part of her wanted to start pressing words at random just to see if it would work, to see what it would feel like to get her point across to Alex the way she had only ever been able to do with the few Deaf people she knew.

In a way, it was strange. Lena was sure on any other occasion she would’ve said no and insisted she could figure things out on her own. But Alex was helping, not because she had to but because she wanted to. And that was something Lena was still learning to be okay with.

“Thank you,” she said after a moment. “Can you hear this?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah, it sounds great.”

“Cool.” Lena grinned and looked back up at Alex, her cheeks flushing pink with excitement.

“What is it?” Alex asked. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“I like this,” Lena said, shrugging. “I can use it at work instead of writing notes. And anyway, most people wouldn’t think to do something like this so I appreciate it. Thank you.”

However, when she looked up from the tablet, she saw the way Alex’s smile slowly began to falter. The face that Lena was learning to identify as her bad news look, breaking through.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, you uh-- I know you wanted to talk about your mom,” Alex said, signing the last bit as best as she could. “Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find anything just yet. The past few days, I’ve been trying to get in contact with people from the town you both lived in… so far nobody’s recognized her name which is… it makes things harder.”

Lena nodded in response. Her fingers hovered over the screen, her breath catching as she waited for something-- anything else.

“But on the bright side, there’s still a lot of ground left to cover. Your mom could be pretty much anywhere so just because we haven’t found her yet, doesn’t mean we never will. It’s just going to take more time. And I can give you the records and copies of everything I found so you can look at it yourself. I know it probably isn’t easy to keep up with me while I’m speaking so there’s a written copy of it all too.”

“Okay,” Lena said. “Thank you for the update.”

Her last movie night with Kara, she’d tried to get herself to lip-read certain scenes to see how much she’d improved. She’d thought it would’ve been a fun game and Kara had agreed. She’d even created a point system so they could tally up everything Lena got right. And by the end of the night, when the movie was over, Kara was so impressed with Lena’s results, that she’d given her the last of the potstickers and let her choose the ice cream flavor for dessert. ‘A token of her affection,’ she’d called it, before pulling Lena so close, their limbs became tangled and they joined together as one.

Now, as Lena watched Alex slowly cut through the news, she knew it wasn’t her lip reading that was the problem. She knew she wasn’t imagining things or taking her words out of context. And it didn’t matter how badly she wished she could be in the wrong-- for once, she knew she’d picked up nearly every word.

“I understand this is a lot, but when you said this is going to take time, did you mean you’re going to keep looking?” Lena managed to ask after a moment. “After all, you said it yourself, there’s still so much we haven’t examined, so you’ll keep searching, right?”

Alex paused, pursing her lips as she nodded.

“If you want me to, I can,” she said. “But I also think it’s important to consider this might not work out the way you want. And I don’t only mean the possibility that we never find her or that she… she isn’t out there.”

“What are you saying?”

“Loss can make people do crazy things. If we find Orla, she may be a completely different person than you remember and you need to be sure that you’re okay with taking that risk before we continue.”

“I’m fine with the risk. With all of it.”

They stayed in silence for a moment, staring at each other.

“Anyways,” Lena started again after she’d regained her composure. “I think I’m gonna tell Kara tonight. I had another meeting yesterday and I finally put the words together. I think-- I think this is the right time.”

“Wow,” Alex breathed. “Already?”

“I know it’s early but not saying it is killing me. I want her to know… and I want to know that she knows.”

Alex smiled in agreement, taking a step towards her friend. “That’s exciting. What’s the plan? Well, I guess-- do you have a plan?”

Of course, I have a plan! Lena wanted to say. When do I do anything without a plan?

But she resisted, instead, thinking back to the setup she’d spent the last few days arranging.

Kara had mentioned once how she hated restaurants because of all the overlapping sounds that she found impossible to block out. So Lena went by herself to the park and walked for what felt like hours, searching and searching for a spot Kara would like. A spot where there weren’t too many people and noise was low, but one still close enough to the center that they could leave quickly if necessary.

It wasn’t easy, everything was crowded with couples and kids or teenagers looking for a secluded smoke spot. Lena had almost been ready to give up when she’d wandered off one of the trails and found herself surrounded by trees and greenery. There were birds perched within the interwoven branches, rays of gleaming sun bouncing off the leaves and threads of grass. Lena couldn’t help but wonder what sounds they made and if Kara would be able to explain them to her.

Before she’d gotten too carried away in her excitement though, she got down on her knees and wrote out the directions step by step on her arm so she’d be able to find the seclusion once more. And when she got home, Lena curled up in bed with Milo and made a list of all of Kara’s favorite foods so she could make a picnic for her. It was perfect, at least, it would be. Lena was sure of it.

“I do. But I want to keep it to myself. Just to make sure it stays a surprise.”

“Alright,” Alex said, smiling. “I’m sure I’ll hear about it from one of you.”

“You will-- I’ll tell you all about it.”

Kara’s head slipped in her palm, a breath of air she’d been holding in for almost a minute expelling itself through her lips. She shifted in her seat as she looked back down at her keyboard, repeatedly clicking her pen between her thumb and index finger.

Hours had passed and still, all she had was a thousand-word rough draft. The size of the thing hadn’t seemed to grow one bit-- the only thing she could bring herself to do was write and rewrite the same three sentences over and over again until they sounded the way she’d imagined in her head. But each time, the effort failed and she only made things worse, piling garbage on top of garbage until it all became one big jumbled mess of gibberish.

As she switched to twirling her pen between her fingers, Kara shut her eyes and took a moment to regain focus.

She just needed to get back on track. This was an issue she cared about-- she’d always been passionate about the right to free community college, she just needed to channel that passion. It had to still be there, right?

Sighing, Kara could feel her attention slipping away all over again at the sound of her front door opening. She turned her head to watch, her eyes widening when she saw Lena step inside.”

“Oh f*ck,” she muttered. “We had a date. I forgot about the date.”

“Hey-- I was knocking but you never answered so I used the key under the mat. I hope you don’t mind,” Lena signed with a smile.

“No,” Kara signed, shaking her head as she nervously laughed. “No, I don’t care about the key. I just-- I’m sorry, tonight kinda slipped my mind. I’ve been so busy, I don’t think I’ve left my computer all day.”

“That’s alright,” Lena signed. She was going to ask if Kara still wanted to go out but paused, wiggled her fingers instead when she caught a glimpse of the apartment.

She’d seen it messy many times before. After all, it wasn’t rare for Kara to leave around piles of clean laundry she’d procrastinated putting away, or to find empty plates and mugs on the coffee table that she hadn’t gotten around to cleaning. But this was different, worse than anything Lena could’ve predicted.

All the tarp-covered canvases had been moved and now sat propped up by the windows-- replaced by outlined, half-done paintings balanced on their easels. The coffee table was covered in paper towels and brushes which were scattered across the layer of white. At their sides were open tubes, overflowing with lumps of paint, and sets of damp watercolors.

Where Kara remained at the kitchen table, she’d surrounded herself with notebooks and colored pens. Emptied snack wrappers and crumb-covered plates had been pushed to the other end of the surface, topped off with a reusable red plastic cup that she’d filled with what appeared to be orange juice.

“Is everything okay here?” Lena asked. “We can do this another time if you need to be alone.”

“It’s fine,” Kara signed, though Lena could see right through it. “I’ve just been trying all day to finish this. And the writing is all there, at least, I think it is. It’s just all so bad that it doesn’t feel like anything’s even close to done.”

When Lena’s face fell and she set the wicker basket she’d been holding onto the ground, Kara finally understood what she meant when people said they felt like they’d been stabbed in the back. Only this time, she’d been the one with the dagger.

“I swear, I really did want to go out tonight,” Kara signed. “But I still need to finish this and I know if I step away I’m gonna spend the entire time thinking about how I’m not writing.”

Lena nodded, swallowing her disappointment as she plastered on a smile.

“It’s okay. I can go, I promise, I don’t mind.”

“No-- no, I still want to have dinner with you.” Kara jumped out of her seat and jogged across the apartment to Lena, the energy she’d been sitting on all day starting to burst at the seams. “I still want to be with you, this article is just kicking my butt.”

“Which part?”

Kara shrugged. She picked up Lena’s basket and led her into the loft, taking a seat at the sofa by her side.

“It’s dumb,” she began. “Really dumb, but do you ever start a task and you think, 'I need to do this at the table'. But you can’t sit at the table because your bed isn’t made, and you can’t make your bed because then the rest of your apartment will be messy so you need to clean the rest of your apartment too-- but if you do that, then you have to do laundry because you can’t have dirty laundry in a clean apartment. And it just…builds and builds and builds until you can’t do anything at all.”

Lena nodded.

“Executive dysfunction,” she signed, offering a sympathetic smile. “It’s a killer.”

“Yup. And there’s so much that I need to do but the more I think about it the more it grows so now… now I’m just stuck.”

She rocked from side to side as she spoke, both knees bouncing frantically up and down.

“And this morning, my foster mom called-- worst timing ever, I know. But she’s in the city for some conference and she wants to have brunch-- with you too, if that’s okay. I kind of talk about you a lot so now she wants to meet you-- but it’s totally fine if you don’t want to go,” Kara continued to ramble. “And normally I’d have no problem with seeing her but now, I have to tell her I quit my job and that I’m trying to make it as a freelancer. So it’s just sitting on top of everything else and I just-- I have no idea where I’m supposed to start.”

“Okay,” Lena signed, taking a deep breath as she processed everything.

“If you want, I could clean for you,” she suggested after a moment, deciding the executive dysfunction-- since it was the immediate issue, would be the best place to start.

“What? No, I can’t make you do that.”

“You wouldn’t be making me do anything,” Lena signed. “But if what you need to work is a clean apartment, then I can clean it for you.”

“Well you-- I mean, you--” Kara stammered, her hands fumbling and falling as she tried and failed to gather her thoughts. “You really would? Voluntarily?”

“Sure. I like organizing things, it’s fun for me.”

“Oh… okay then. Let’s try it.”

It only took an hour for Lena to clean the apartment in its entirety and water all the plants as Kara finally finished her article. The time seemed to fly by for each of them, and before they knew it, they were sitting on opposite ends of the sofa while The Wizard of Oz (Kara’s favorite) played on the TV.

“Stop being such a blanket hog,” Kara grumbled as Lena tried to pull the fabric away from her. She lightly kicked her in the shins, causing Lena to gasp in pretend horror.

“You’re being very petty, you know,” Kara signed at the sight.

Lena simply shrugged in response and yanked the material back once more.

But the momentary victory came at a cost. Kara held the pint of ice cream they’d been sharing over her head, just high enough that Lena wouldn’t be able to reach it without moving, and inevitably giving up half the blanket.

Lena, however, still wasn’t ready to go down without a fight. She pushed herself up onto her knees and let out a yelp as she leaned over and swatted her girlfriend’s hands, laughing even louder as they wrestled. Eventually, she managed to pull the container away from Kara, who groaned loudly and threw her head back in defeat.

“You got me fair and square,” she signed.

“I did,” Lena responded, still grinning from ear to ear.

She moved over to close the gap between herself and her girlfriend then draped the blanket over both their laps.

“Is it weird that I’m glad we stayed back today?” She asked after handing the ice cream back to Kara. “Of course, I wanted to go out but… I think this was what we needed.”

“I don’t think that’s weird at all,” Kara signed, nodding. “I can’t speak for you but I know if we’d gone out tonight I would’ve been a total drag and that just-- it wouldn’t have been good for either of us. So I’m glad we stayed in too. And I really appreciate everything you did for me today. I know you don’t think it was a lot, but it was.”

Lena could feel Kara’s lingering gaze as she bowed her head, chewing her bottom lip in contemplation. It was something about the way the tone shifted when Kara thanked her that hit her in the chest. Something about the way Lena told herself to believe it was true, that caused that spot she’d struck to swell twice its original size.

She wasn’t sure what it was or how to name it but she knew she’d felt it before. It always returned in these moments, the ones where she began to accept the words Kara gave her, instead of the ones forced down her throat by Lex. It wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t good. It was just there, sitting inside her. And for some reason-- one Lena didn’t yet understand herself, she was okay with it.

“I think it helped me too,” Lena signed after a moment, shifting her gaze to meet Kara’s eyes. “Things this morning were rough and I think… I think I needed this.”

Kara waited a moment before responding, her smile faltering ever so slightly. Alex had mentioned that she’d met up with Lena to talk about her birth mom, but hadn’t said anything else. From the way Lena tiptoed around it now, Kara couldn’t help but worry the answers Lena had been given were the ones she’d been dreading more than anything.

“I’m glad it helped.” Kara’s signs were slow and tentative, she waited to see the way each word landed, needing to know for sure she wasn’t making things worse. “If you want to talk…”

Lena shook her head. “I don’t know if it’s the kind of thing I’ll want to share. But if that changes, you’ll know.”

I wasn’t responsible.

Lena pulled her legs into her chest, her cheek on her knee as she looked down at Kara, who laid fast asleep at her side. For a while, Lena had tried to rest with her, she’d thought maybe she just needed a few hours to recover from her session in the morning and her talk with Alex after.

But the longer she spent lying there, staring up at the ceiling as Kara slept soundly beside her, the easier it became for worries Lena had thought she’d resolved to float to the surface once more.

So she did what Kelly suggested and tried to reframe the thoughts. She looked at them from a factual standpoint, analyzed them from the perspective of a scientist. She told herself that maybe if she did it enough, she’d see the events for what they were, not what her distorted perspective wanted her to see.

I wasn’t responsible. Lena told herself again, dropping her forehead and closing her eyes. I’m not responsible for what he did.

It was easier than it wasn’t my fault. Lena had spent an hour trying to lay with that one. She wanted to believe it was true, more than anything she wanted to finally lift the blame from her shoulders. It was just so easy to argue and came with so many disputes. Lena, however, wasn’t willing to let that stop her. So instead, she reached a compromise-- a middle ground that, for now, she could accept.

It wasn’t my responsibility.

It might’ve been Lena’s fault. She might’ve been a burden her family made her believe. But even if she was, that didn’t make her responsible for Lex’s actions. She had no control over the events leading up to her adoption, or the way Lillian and Lionel chose to treat her after. And she certainly wasn’t to blame for the records and papers Lex had spent years hiding from her.

Holding her breath as she looked back at Kara, Lena carefully slipped out of bed-- doing everything she could to stay as quiet as possible. She tiptoed across the room by hopping from floorboard to floorboard the way characters in movies did then slowly, shut the bedroom door behind her.

She knew she’d believe those words eventually, she’d be able to accept that it hadn’t been up to her. Lena even would’ve liked to hope that perhaps, it wasn’t too far off in the future. But now, existing with the notion for too long was less than manageable. So she’d try sometime else in the meantime, something she’d been working on in secret for weeks now.

She’d wanted to do it ever since game night when Kara had done her best to translate all the clamor that came from her friends. She’d thought about it in the moments when she’d given up on following along, wondered if it would be too big a gesture for just a friend. It wasn’t until they’d kissed in the library, when Lena felt filled to the brim with love and admiration, that she’d known she needed to make it all real.

So she’d found a speech pathologist and began meeting them on the weekends. Twice a week every week, which before Lena knew it, turned into four times a week. And as soon as she felt ready she’d told Alex so she could practice with her and get an opinion from someone other than her pathologist.

Now, Lena had gone over the phrase with Alex more times than she could count. But here, exploring that piece of herself all alone, Lena wasn’t sure how to go about it. It was different to speak and know her voice was there, to imagine herself holding it in the palm of her hands the way she did with her signs, but never really know what was happening. She was giving up a part of being, one she’d never really owned at all.

Once she’d locked the bathroom door, Lena ran her fingers through her hair. Her jaw tightened as the strands brushed against her face, the feeling sending a rush of chills through her arms.

You’re fine, she reminded herself. You’ve done this before, you can do it now.

Tucking both hands into her pockets so she wouldn’t be able to sign, Lena lifted her chin, creating the illusion of confidence she could only ever dream of having. It was terrifying, but it was worth it. It would be worth it.

“I love you.”

The sound got caught in Lena’s throat, causing her to falter and cough. She leaned against the sink, gripping her fingers into the porcelain bowl as she forced herself to look back up and try again.

“I love you,” she said, pausing for a moment after. Her lips had looked weird, they didn’t move the way Kara’s or Alex’s did when they spoke.

“I love you.” This time Lena spread the syllables out so they were bigger, fuller, the way everyone else's were.

“I love you. I loooove you.”

Lena cleared her throat and shifted her weight between her heels. Alex had mentioned earlier that she made a ‘duh’ sound when she tried to say ‘love’ and ‘ooh’ instead of ‘you. She didn’t understand what she meant-- it all felt the same to her. So the only way she could try to correct it was to stretch out every last letter and hope she was doing something right.

“I love you. I love you.”

It was good enough for now. She’d try again later, she’d keep practicing until it was good enough for Kara.

With a dejected sigh, Lena slipped both hands back into the pockets of her pajama pants and made her way back into Kara’s bedroom. She released a yawn, pausing with her mouth wide open when she saw her girlfriend, who’d been asleep just moments ago, sitting upright and staring back at her.

Kara’s eyes were open and watery, big white saucers filled with fear. She’d piled the blankets into her lap until they formed a miniature mountain, swaying from side to side as she waited for Lena to approach.

“You’re up?” Lena signed, her body frozen in place. “What happened?”

Had Kara heard her practicing? Had she been listening, slowly growing more and more uneasy with the sound of Lena’s voice?

“It’s nothing,” Kara responded. The motions were stiff and rigid, her mouth closed--- signaling to Lena that she wasn’t speaking the way she normally did. “I’m fine.”

“You’re crying, Kara.”

The words hung heavy in the air, a breath catching in Lena’s throat as the signs slipped away from her. It wasn’t the right thing to say-- she knew that instantly, could see it in the way Kara’s face fell when she pulled back into herself, as if she’d been shaken right through her core.

“I’m sorry,” Kara signed, eyes falling shut. “There’s just thunder and it’s really loud. Like really loud.”

Before responding, Lena bit her lip and glanced out the window, noticing for the first time all night the heavy downpour of rain crashing against it. It was dark, layers of grey clouds making it impossible to see anything other than the outlines of buildings across the street, and the fog blankets that covered them.

She continued to hold her breath as she looked back at Kara and tilted her head, her expression softening.

“What does it sound like?” Lena asked once Kara reopened her eyes. “You told me that there are different types of loudness. What’s this one?”

“It sounds like an explosion,” Kara began, her chest tightening as another round clapped through the air. The noise in a way was familiar, it left a sort of ringing in her ears she knew she’d never be able to explain.

All she knew was that it made her think of that final day on Krypton when she’d been put into that pod with her cousin. There hadn't been any noise, but the rumble that had followed, like the thunder that shook the ground underneath her now, still lingered in the back of her mind. It always did, it made Kara wonder if it would ever really leave her.

“It’s like… a really loud bang.”

“That sounds terrible,” Lena signed.

She made her way over to Kara and sat down at the edge of the bed, setting a steady hand on Kara’s knee.

“We never had thunderstorms on K-r-y-p-t-o-n. Or any rain, really,” Kara continued, the words spilling out faster than she was aware of. “I’ve gotten used to most of the things about Earth but this… I’ve just never been able to adjust, I guess.”

She looked back at Lena, tears falling freely as she pulled her hair back into a low ponytail. It was touching the back of her neck again, taunting her for crumbling so easily.

“Every time it happens I tell myself that I’ll be fine because it’s just a noise, it isn’t real. But it never matters, I always--”

Her hands dropped to her lap in defeat, a huff of frustration escaping. And as Kara leaned forward the cries she’d been trying so hard to suppress finally came to surface. They weakened her, bit by bit before taking over her body, her mind, and all the other pieces of her being.

Kara was a hero-- she fought off aliens and humans twice her size nearly every day. She was fearless. She was supposed to be, at least. But now, here she was us, collapsing into a heap of tears over some rain. It was humiliating, it showed just how weak she truly was.

“It’s just so loud,” Kara whimpered. “It’s so loud and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

As her fingers closed in around strands of hair, gripping the pieces as tightly as they could, Kara felt a palm settle on her shoulder and the weight of Lena’s body sinking into the spot beside her.

She tried to focus on Lena’s presence, on the comfort it offered. She thought about the pressure, the sound of Lena’s breathing spiking out of nervousness. And once she’d managed to find Lena’s heartbeat, Kara thought about how human she was.

Ever since the start, all Kara had ever been to Lena was human. She’d never been invincible to her, even in the weeks to come after she revealed her true identity. She was still just Lena’s friend-- a friend who happened to have extraordinary powers, but the person she’d grown to love for her heart and her personality just the same. And in moments like these, to Kara, that was everything.

“Lena, please,” she cried, lifting her head and forcing herself to sign once more. “I don’t want to think but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I-- I need help, I need you.”

Before Lena could say a word another round erupted through the air, followed by lightning strong enough to illuminate the entire loft. Kara cried out in terror, her hands flying to her ears.

“Kara, it’s okay, I’m here,” Lena signed. She grunted to get Kara’s attention, offering a reassuring smile when Kara managed to look back at her.

“Hey,” Lena signed, angling her body so that Kara could see her hands. “Can you explain again what it sounds like?”

“What?”

“The thunder. Can you explain it again?”

“Why?”

“I can’t hear,” Lena stated the obvious. “So tell me, what does it sound like?”

Kara shrugged and sniffed, taking a moment to contemplate her response.

“It’s just… I don’t know, a bang,” she signed. “With your hearing aids, can you hear fireworks?”

A nod.

“It’s like that but shorter. And there’s a rumble, too.”

“Can you feel the rumble?”

“No,” Kara signed. “Thankfully.”

She signed, snuggling into Lena’s chest. The skin was cold, something Kara still hadn’t grown used to. It always shocked her when Lena touched her hands to Kara’s body, causing chills to rush down her spine at the freezing sensation. It got even worse when Kara commented on how cold her feet were and caused Lena to start making a point of kicking her under the table every time they ate dinner at home together.

Now though, she liked the feeling, liked the way it grounded her.

“I don’t like the rain either,” Kara signed to herself, mumbling along with the movements. “E-l-i-z-a and I used to make blanket forts so that we could hide from it together.”

“Do you want to do that now?”

“What?”

“You said you don’t want to think,” Lena clarified. “Let’s build a fort and not think-- if that’s what’ll help you.”

Kara hesitated. She looked around her apartment, then back up at Lena, who was still watching over her, tentatively stroking her hair as she pressed the occasional kiss to her forehead. It wasn’t a bad idea. It was better than uselessly crying in Lena’s arms as she waited for the storm to pass-- anything was.

“Okay, yeah, let’s do that,” she agreed after a moment.

She pushed herself up and wiped her eyes, doing her best to smile over at Lena.

“You need to make a list of everything we need.”

“Why do I have to make the list?” Kara asked with a sniffle.

“Because I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how to make a fort, so you’re gonna lead the way.”

Kara nodded and slowly picked herself out of bed. She made her way over to her dresser where she’d left out an old notebook and purple ink pen, her hand trembling as she wrote. Out of nowhere, thunder clapped once more and she jumped back, crying out in horror.

Within an instant, however, Lena was at her side. She set a steady hand on Kara’s arm and drew in a slow, deep breath. Guiding Kara along, Lena helped her follow the motion.

“It’s okay, just try to focus,” Lena signed, offering an encouraging smile. “What do we need? Think about the list.”

“We uh-- we need flashlights in case the power goes out.”

Lena nodded. She took the pad and paper from Kara, writing down the instructions as fast as she could.

“And snacks. You can’t make a fort without snacks,” Kara continued. “I think there’s popcorn in the cabinet. Also pretzels and the kale chips that you like.”

“That’s good,” Lena signed. “You’re doing good.”

As she looked back down at the paper she couldn’t help but smile, thankful that the darkness of the room shielded Kara from seeing how pink she’d turned. It was such a minuscule detail, but she’d remembered! She had kale chips just because Lena liked them! And maybe it wasn’t a big deal, but Lena could’ve jumped with joy at the information. Kara had remembered and that meant she cared and to Lena-- that was everything.

“We also need lots of pillows. We can just gather them from around the apartment, it doesn’t matter where they come from they just need to be there. And I-- I think that’s it.”

Once she’d finished off the list, Lena set it back down and looked back up at Kara. She was shaking like a leaf, her blue eyes still filled with tears.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” Lena signed as Kara protectively wrapped her arms around herself. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“Promise?” Kara asked with a mirthless laugh, her head hanging low with shame.

“I promise,” Lena responded.

She smiled as took a step forward and reached out her arms, pulling Kara back into her comforting embrace. Squeezing her as tightly as her flimsy human arms would allow, Lena stood on her toes to reach Kara’s height. She didn’t move, didn’t sign. Just stood still and sturdy, hoping that whatever she did would somehow be enough.

“You look insane.”

“I look prepared.”

“No, just insane.”

“Well, without my super sexy headband, I wouldn’t be able to see any of your signs,” Kara remarked. She adjusted the elastic band around her forehead, which had a large square flashlight clipped to the front, and shined it over Lena’s hands to prove her point. “I adapted to the situation. I rose above-- it’s what makes me so versatile.”

“Whatever you say,” Lena signed with a chuckle. “But I do have to admit, you kind of pull them off.”

“Why thank you, I appreciate the compliment.”

Lena shook her head, laughing as she leaned forward to tap the light.

“So, what do you think of your first blanket fort?” Kara asked. “Did it live up to all your expectations?”

“It did. We should do this again-- under better circ*mstances, of course.”

“We should,” Kara signed, grinning. “But thank you for doing it with me today. I think… there’s been some stuff building up for a while now and I think it made the thunderstorm a lot worse. So I… it really means a lot that you stayed.”

“Stuff?” Lena asked, her brow raised in concern. “What do you mean?”

Kara shrugged. “I don’t know, work stuff, I guess.”

She did her best to brush it off, to laugh and smile through the discomfort. After all, she was sitting in the most impressive blanket fort that she’d ever built with her best friend just a few inches away. She didn’t need more, there was no reason to be upset. But even so, the weight from earlier was still there, sitting on her shoulders as snug as ever.

“I just kind of hate the way I am sometimes,” Kara admitted, laughing nevertheless. “Trying to branch out and write this article has… it makes me think about how bad I am at this sort of thing. At focusing and pushing myself and managing to complete tasks without giving up halfway through.”

She paused and chewed her bottom lip, glancing nervously back at Lena.

“You’re really great at getting into projects and doing them without any hesitation. Like with your plants, you can study them and work on your garden for hours and not take a single break. But I’m not like that. I don’t do things properly-- I can’t and I just-- I hate that I can’t make myself do it anyways. That I can’t fix whatever’s going on in my head.”

Kara dropped her hands to her lap and looked back down. She couldn’t bring herself to meet Lena’s eyes or the quivering fingertips that she held just inches below. They were well intended, Kara knew they were. But that alone didn’t make things better.

“And I’m not mad at you,” she signed after a moment, still averting Lena’s ever-prevalent gaze. “I don’t want you to think I am. Because everything you did for me tonight, canceling the date and making the fort-- it was all so kind and so perfect and there is nothing I would’ve rather done than spend my afternoon here with you. I’m just mad at myself and my stupid pea brain and none of it’s coming out right.”

“You don’t have a pea brain, Kara,” Lena signed. She smiled, swatting Kara’s hands down when she tried to protest.

“Hey!” Kara exclaimed. “That’s rude.”

“If you’re going to be mean to yourself, I’m allowed to be mean back,” Lena retorted. She tapped Kara’s knuckles and tipped her chin with her index finger to get her attention. “But seriously, I’m not kidding. I like you for how you think and who you are, not in spite of it. I mean, think of all the things you can do that most people couldn’t even dream of-- and I don’t mean superpowers.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“Well, for one thing, your paintings. I know we’ve never talked about them but they’re so incredible, you should be really proud of them,” Lena signed. She smiled with every word, an expression filled with so much light Kara didn’t have to ask to know she meant it all. “And your signs. It took me years to learn ASL and I started when I was a toddler. But you did it on your own even though you didn’t have to.”

Lena could feel Kara watching her even as her eyes drifted down to her palms. It hadn’t been the plan, not by a long shot, but maybe this was it. Kara needed to hear it and Lena, more than anything wanted to say it. She wanted to tell Kara that she loved her and for Kara to truly believe it.

So she looked back up, chewing her bottom lip in contemplation, and managed a nervous smile.

“Kara?” She signed, moving her hands slowly as she awaited a response.

“Yeah?”

“Can I… can…” Lena could feel her heartbeat begin to pick up, her breath catch in her throat. But she couldn’t let herself falter. So she looked back up at Kara and paused, trying for a moment to steady herself.

“Kara,” Lena tried once more, the gesture much more confident this time around.

“Lena?” Kara nudged her with her elbow, managing to make her laugh for just a second.

As she smiled, Lena reminded herself again that she could do this. She’d done it for Alex, for herself in the bathroom mirror. Now, she’d do it for Kara the way she knew she could. She just needed to do it the way she’d practiced and everything would be fine.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” Kara asked.

Nodding, Lena drew in a breath and opened her mouth. She held the air for just a second as she traced over Kara’s features-- over the smile that always made her feel so wanted and the eyes that never failed to tell her she was home.

“I…” Lena began, stretching out the word until she could feel the vibrations in her throat. “I du-- du--”

But when Lena looked to Kara, hoping to find some sort of familiarity or reassurance in her face, all she saw was confusion. Pursed lips, and narrowed eyes as she tried to figure out what Lena was saying.

Lena’s mouth fell shut and she shook her head, boiling tears filling her eyes. Her voice was ugly. Even with all the therapy, it was ugly.

“What is it?” Kara asked.

She looked so concerned, Lena couldn’t bear to tell her the truth. So she shook her head once more and forced herself to smile, holding up her hands to sign.

“Nothing, it wasn’t anything important.”

“You’re sure?”

Lena nodded. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

Chapter 18

Chapter Text

Right away, Lena knew something was off.

From the moment she woke up to her cat prancing across her stomach and pawing at her hair, she felt different. Heavier. As if the eight hours of sleep she’d gotten somehow hadn’t been enough.

There was an itch in her throat and something pressed against her temples, goosebumps tingling against her skin, and chills that seeped beneath.

Groaning, Lena rolled her head to see Milo, who had finished his tap-dance across her upper body and was now curled up like a cinnamon bun by her side. She could feel him purring against her, a gentle vibration that always managed to make her smile.

Lena did her best to turn and sign hello the way she’d become so used to doing, but just the act of lifting her head off the pillow sent a throbbing sensation through her skull. She recoiled and covered her eyes with her hands to block out the sunlight, hoping whatever it was that had washed over her would now leave her the hell alone.

Brunch with Kara and Eliza was only a few hours away and she could not show up sick. Meeting the parents entailed a lot of things but spreading around a modern plague was not one of them.

So Lena did what she always did. She pushed herself up and did her best to ignore the way her head seemed to split in half as she slowly dragged herself out of bed.

She could do this, she reminded herself. Just one hour at brunch. Sixty minutes and it would all be over.

sh*t.

Lena unintentionally slammed her dresser drawer shut when she saw the flashing lights above her front door go off. She squeezed her eyes shut and ran her hands through her hair, her heart skipping a beat as the pulsating sensation in her head continued to grow stronger and stronger at the glare.

She made her way over to the door as quickly as she could, doing her best to hold her chin up and plaster on a smile as she pulled it open.

“Hey, you’re early,” Lena signed when she saw Kara standing idle in the hall. She held a bouquet of flowers and was grinning from ear to ear, a sight that always managed to make Lena perk up, even when she felt like she’d been punched by a semi-truck. “You’re never early.”

“I’m turning over a new leaf,” Kara signed, handing the flowers to Lena. “And I know this isn’t a date, but I saw these outside the grocery store and thought they might look nice on your fire escape.”

“I’ve told you you’re my favorite, right?” Lena signed with a blush.

She went to lean in for a kiss but stopped herself. Kryptonians could still get sick, couldn’t they?

Pausing, Lena stepped aside and allowed Kara to enter. Instantly, Milo tried to climb up her legs, a lucky distraction as Lena began to cough into her elbow. Kara tried at first to shake the cat off but quickly stopped, noticing he was pawing at her the way he always did Lena.

“Why’s he being so nice?” She asked, looking back at her girlfriend. “He always stares at me with those evil murder eyes-- what’s happening?”

“He’s mad at me because I wouldn’t let him use me as a human trampoline,” Lena explained.

She cringed as she cleared her throat once more, the sound of which earned her a disapproving look from Milo.

“He’s been such a little--” Lena’s head turned as she was overwhelmed with another coughing fit. The new wave hit her even harder than the last-- causing her to double over in discomfort as her cheeks turned bright red, the discoloration creeping up to her ears.

“Hey, do you feel okay?” Kara asked when the outburst finally died down. “You’re coughing really hard.”

“I’m fine. It’s just allergies,” Lena answered, her hands quivering as she signed.

She tucked them into the pockets of her jacket, hoping Kara wouldn’t notice her slip.

But the crinkle of concern Lena could always depend on to appear when she worried had already appeared between Kara’s eyes. She hesitated as she took in Lena’s features, noticing how flushed her face seemed and worn her eyes were.

“You don’t look good,” she signed. “Maybe we should reschedule for brunch.”

“Thanks, Kara, you look great too,” Lena retorted. She went to roll her eyes but the motion felt like daggers to the forehead. She grimaced, swallowing thickly as she resisted the urge to gag at the discomfort.

“I-- I’m sorry, I meant you look sick!” Kara exclaimed. “I always think you look good, right now you just kinda look like death on a cracker and that’s not to say you aren’t still pretty-- you’re just-- you’re not you.”

“I know, Kara I’m messing with you,” Lena signed, smiling softly before again, coughing into her arm. “But death on a cracker? That’s… something.”

“E-l-i-z-a used to say it to A-l-e-x when she got sick,” Kara signed, sighing as she shook her head.

Her cheeks were almost redder than Lena’s, so bright they could give a firetruck a run for its money.

“But I’m being serious, Lena. You don’t look okay.”

“Fine.” Lena pursed her lips, defeated. “I don’t feel great, but I can make it through one brunch. I’ll just be a couple of hours and then I can sleep for the rest of the day, it’ll be nothing I can’t handle.”

“Aren’t you going to the library today?”

“Okay, yes, I’m working. But I can work and then go to bed early,” Lena argued, clearly not ready to take no for an answer. “I’ve pushed through way worse than a cold, Kara, it isn’t a big deal.”

“Yeah, I know, I was there when you got poisoned,” Kara signed with an eye roll.

Before Lena could argue further, Kara pushed past her and made her way into the living room, ignoring Lena’s ever-persistent taps to her shoulder.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“I’m calling E-l-i-z-a, I’m gonna tell her we can’t make it.”

“No, Kara, I’m fine-- it’s fine!” Lena insisted.

But her confidence was extremely short-lived.

The first mistake came when Lena went to shake her head in protest. It caused the pulsating ache that once resided only in her temples to spread through the rest of her body, and her eyes to scream out in pain. Her second was covering her face when the light hit her eyes, a moan of discomfort she thought would be silent escaping her lips.

By the time she removed her palms only a few seconds later, Kara was watching with wide eyes filled with worry as she slowly dialed her foster mother’s number.

She sighed at the sight, slipping her phone into her back pocket for just a second.

“Lena, can I feel your forehead?” she asked, smiling softly.

She took a step forward, causing Lena to chew her bottom lip in contemplation.

Either way, she knew it was a lose-lose. If she said no, Kara would know she was just trying to hide her now very obvious fever and if she said yes, Kara would only have more confirmation that she was sick.

But even so, instinct told her to resist.

After all, months ago, Lena was sure she would’ve stood by the argument that Luthor’s don’t get sick and that she was simply built differently than the rest of the human race.

It would’ve been redundant and meaningless seeing as Lena hadn’t gone by her adopted name since she was eighteen and got it legally changed back to Kieran. However, it would’ve been the explanation she was used to, the one she found the most comfort in. And for whatever reason, the statement Lena still found herself desperate to go back to.

But Lillian wasn’t there, Lena didn’t have to abide by her made-up mantras or any other rules she’d spent twelve years ingraining into her head. She was allowed to be uncomfortable now, allowed to be sick.

So Lena allowed Kara to come even closer, closing her eyes as she felt a press itself to the spot below her hairline. And before she knew it, Kara was already pulling away. Her shoulders drooped and so did Lena, the disappointment already setting in.

“You’re burning up,” Kara signed with a frown. “You really should stay back today, you don’t wanna push yourself and make it worse.”

Lena nodded, however, and drew her arms across her chest. She rubbed her back as she tilted her head, silently observing the way Kara’s expression changed.

“You know, this might come as a shock to you but I’m not great at being sick,” she signed after a minute, laughing awkwardly. “I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do if I stay back.”

“Well lucky for you, I am an expert at lazy days,” Kara responded. “You go relax. I’ll figure everything out-- you trust me, right?”

“Yes, Kara,” Lena nodded, chuckling weakly. “I trust you.”

“Good,” Kara whispered, careful to avoid touching Lena’s sensitive stomach as she slipped an arm around her waist. “Now, let’s go find some comfy clothes.”

A notebook sat on the nightstand next to Lena’s bed. At its side-- a glass of orange juice, a pen, and multiple drug store thermometers.

Before passing out under a mound of blankets, she had made it adamantly clear that Kara couldn’t get even a drop of liquid on the book.

Kara didn’t completely understand-- she’d seen Lena spill things on her books far more often than she’d ever admit. But she didn’t question it. She knew Lena had many rituals that didn’t really seem to have any sort of outcome, so perhaps this was just another one of those.

Pushing the thought away, Kara hopped up into bed beside her, gently brushing her fingers against Lena’s hairline as she settled in at her side. And once she was sure everything had settled, she picked up her laptop so she could get back to working on her blog.

However, the added weight must’ve caused the mattress to shift because before Kara knew it, Lena was beginning to stir.

She groaned as she rolled over and lazily threw out her arm, knocking Kara’s glasses right off her nose. With a murmur of disapproval, Lena pressed her palms into her forehead. Slowly, she opened her eyes, squinting in disgust at the light.

“Too bright,” she signed, the words sloppy and slow. “Turn the windows off?”

“Turn the windows off?” Kara teased and chuckled back at her. “You mean close the blinds?”

Lena nodded, waving her hand in the direction of the curtains. She tried to remain as serious as possible but the effort only made Kara laugh harder.

It wasn’t until Lena whacked her in the arm that she got up and made her way across the apartment to close each curtain and turn off every remaining lamp-- leaving on the fairy lights above Lena’s bed so she’d still be able to read signs.

“Feel any better?” Kara asked as she sat back down, pressing her hand once more to Lena’s forehead.

“No, still stuffy,” Lena signed with a frown. “And sick.”

“Well, E-l-i-z-a called while you were asleep, she’s gonna bring by some matzah ball soup and cough syrup,” Kara signed, hoping that would somehow brighten Lena’s mood.

“What?” However, instead of relief like she’d had expected, Lena’s eyes only widened in horror. “Kara?”

“She wanted to make sure you were okay-- I’m sure it’ll be quick, she just cares about you.”

“I don’t see how you can care about someone you’ve never met,” Lena signed with a scoff. “I can’t make a good first impression like this. Even you said I look disgusting!”

She flopped back against the pillow and pulled the blankets up to her chest, hoping if she hid for long enough she’d disappear completely.

“You can and you will, you’re just a cynic,” Kara retorted. “Eliza will love you. Even if you’re gross and feverish and sound like a vacuum cleaner when you breathe.”

“Hey!” She cried out when Lena tossed a throw pillow at her head. “That was completely uncalled for.”

Lena giggled, smiling so wide her nose scrunched up and eyes squinted like tiny little slits.

Even when she was hit with another fit of coughs, she kept laughing, her temporary enthusiasm only making the whole thing that much worse.

“Okay, easy,” Kara said, helping to pull Lena forward so she was sitting upright. She waited a moment then handed her the juice, keeping her hand steady on Lena’s shoulder as she watched her drink.

“You’re lucky I’m such a good girlfriend. Someone else might not be this caring after an attempted pillow assault,” she signed.

But the hard-ass facade was short-lived as soon enough, Kara was climbing back into bed right at Lena’s side, curling around her the way she always did.

“But I need you.” Lena signed, offering a sneaky smile as she slipped one of her legs between Kara’s. She shifted her head so it rested just beneath her shoulder, chewing her chapped bottom lip. “How would I ever go on without you when I’m so sick and weak?”

“Sick and weak?”

Lena nodded.

“An hour ago you were all I’m fine, Kara, I can make it through brunch.”

“I’m not the same person I was back then”

Lena squirmed against her, the same way she always complained about Milo doing, and reached up to kiss Kara’s cheek.

“Right, I forgot,” Kara signed. “You must be too ill and frail to remember the fight you put up.”

“I feel well enough to throw some more pillows if you don’t stop making fun of me.”

“Okay okay, I’ll stop,” Kara signed, admitting her defeat with a laugh. “But seriously, you’ve got nothing to worry about. E-l-i-z-a will love you no matter what. Everyone does.”

Again, Lena nodded. Though, she couldn’t keep her smile from faltering.

“Even if I’m gross and snotty?”

“Even if you’re gross and snotty. She’s a mom, it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before.”

Right. Lena nodded. She’s a mom.

Lena narrowed her eyes as she read the temperature on the thermometer. She waited a moment before shaking it out and sticking it beneath her tongue once more.

From across the apartment, Kara watched, sighing as she saw Lena repeat the motion.

“I don’t think it’s changed in the last ten minutes, babe,” she signed, offering a small smile.

It had been the same thing all morning. Lena would sleep for a few minutes then wake up and immediately take her temperature. It almost never changed and the few times it did, was only by a tenth of a degree, but Lena never stopped. Each number went in the tracker on her bedside table, each symptom scribbled neatly below it.

“It might’ve,” Lena signed, thermometer still poking out between her lips.

The green light went off as the machine began to beep and she grabbed the notebook once more, quickly updating her temp next to its correlated time slot. Once she was done, Lena tucked the thermometer back into its drawer and updated her list of symptoms.

Stuffy nose. Headache. Cough. Drowsiness. Fatigue.

“Do you at least feel different?” Kara asked.

She held a grey washcloth under the sink, ringing out the extra water before making her way back over to Lena.

“No. Still gross.”

“Well here, this should help with your head,” Kara said when Lena eventually looked back up.

She placed the cool rag against her forehead, smiling as Lena thanked her. She then extended her hand, gesturing for Kara to get back into bed.

Instantly, Lena reclaimed her spot curled around Kara with her head tucked beneath her chin. She lifted her hand to adjust the washcloth, slowly shutting her eyes to block out the piercing sunlight.

“You know, if you’re worried you’re too sick for a visit, I can call E-l-i-z-a and cancel,” Kara signed once they reopened.

She smiled and pressed a tentative kiss to Lena’s hairline, gently tucking the stray strands back behind her ear.

“Oh Rao,” she mumbled. “You’re really sweaty.”

“It’s not that. I’m fine with meeting her today,” Lena signed.

And before Kara could question it any further, she intertwined their fingers and tucked them beneath the blanket. As Lena relaxed against her, Kara could almost hear the breath of relief that escaped her lips, a signal that she was finally starting to let go. She smiled, letting her hand move slowly across Lena’s spine and draw gentle circles against the small of her back.

“Try to get some sleep,” Kara said, adjusting the washcloth to keep it from drooping. “I’ll be right here with you.”

“Lena, hey. Lena.”

Lena winced and stirred at the feeling of Kara tapping her shoulder. She covered her eyes with her hands, rolling over so her head rested in Kara’s lap.

“That’s probably E-l-i-z-a,” she signed. “I should let her in.”

Lena nodded. Reluctantly, she pulled away and let herself droop back into her mound of pillows.

Silently, she watched as Kara pulled open the door-- her face lighting up as she welcomed Eliza with a hug. Easily, Eliza embraced her, gave her a pat on the back, and kissed her cheek when they pulled away.

Lena couldn’t help but wish she could go back, press rewind, and watch it all over again. She wished she could prepare herself for the twinge in her heart when she saw the smiles on their faces and know to suppress the tang of unexpected jealousy as they both turned to face her.

It was silly, she knew that. To wish she could feel the same way about her own mother. The box she’d found held enough memories to last a lifetime, gave her tapes and letters she could revisit whenever she needed. She had enough.

And even if she didn’t, jealousy wasn’t going to get her anywhere. Lena was sure of that too. But knowing wasn’t the same as doing. Whether she liked it or not, that tang and twinge were still there. And if they were like most things in her life, sooner or later Lena would have to accept, they weren’t within her control at all.

“Lena, this is my foster mom, E-l-i-z-a,” Kara signed, snapping her out of her head.

“Hey,” Eliza said with a welcoming wave. “Kara’s told me all about you, I’m so glad we’re finally meeting.”

“I’m glad to be meeting you too,” Lena signed after a moment, waiting for Kara to finish interpreting before moving.

“Kara told me you weren’t feeling great so I hope you don’t mind but I brought some stuff,” Eliza continued.

She spoke so fast all Lena could catch was Kara and you. Lena wasn’t sure if it was the cold or the speed or a combination of both but just the act of trying to lip-read was enough to make her stomach churn with discomfort.

Lena pulled her legs up into her chest, resisting the urge to lay back down as she rested her chin on her knee. Kara was signing which helped a bit, but the lights had been turned back on, and everyone was moving so quickly. The more they spoke the more scrambled Lena’s head became and the more she wished she could just curl back up with Kara.

As her eyes shifted down to the carpet, Lena felt the bed dip at her side. Slowly, she turned her head, managing a small smile when she saw Kara seated beside her.

“She says she brought soup, cough syrup, and ginger ale,” Kara signed, the motions slow and steady. “But you don’t have to have any if you’re not up to it.”

“That’s good,” Lena signed, still slightly unsure of what anyone was saying.

She reached out to take Kara’s hand, brushing the pad of her thumb against her knuckles.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Eliza setting something up in the kitchen. Too tired to ask (or care) about what she was doing, Lena glanced over at the phone, and earbuds tangled up beside her pillow.

Would it be rude to put them in with a guest over? It wasn’t like she could hear Eliza speaking to her anyway, so it wouldn’t really make a difference, right?

Before Lena could figure it out, she felt Kara give her sleeve a slight tug.

“Hey, do you want some tea?”

“What?” Lena asked. “Tea?”

Kara nodded and tilted her head, gesturing back to Eliza.

“Here, Alex used to get the nastiest colds as a kid but this always used to help clear them up,” Eliza said. She smiled as she handed Lena a steaming mug wrapped with a paper towel, lingering for a moment to make sure Lena wouldn’t drop it.

As she accepted, Lena did her best to smile in return. She managed to sign a small thank you before drawing the cup to her lips and gulping down the tea much faster than she should’ve.

The liquid was sharp against her sore throat, like daggers tearing at the skin. She had to keep herself from spitting it back into the cup at the throbbing sensation. But even though she could feel goosebumps lining her arms and an ache on her tongue, Lena took a few sips for good measure.

She needed Eliza to see she appreciated the gesture, needed her to know she wasn’t as callous and inconsiderate as the rest of her family.

“Now, I won’t stay for too long, I don’t want to make you feel any worse. But if there’s anything you need while I’m here, just let me know.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Lena signed, her eyes following Kara’s hands as she interpreted. “I… I don’t want to inconvenience you more than I already have.”

“Oh, nonsense, you haven’t inconvenienced me at all. I’m happy to help if you need it.”

“Wow… thank you, that’s really nice,” Lena signed. And for once, her smile wasn’t forced.

She hesitated for a second, breath getting caught between her lips. She looked up to meet Kara’s eyes, unsure of what to say. What to do.

“Kara?” Lena signed, nudging her beneath the blanket.

“Yeah?”

“Would you be okay with asking her to stay a bit longer?”

“Of course.”

Admittedly, Lena spent most of her time with Eliza asleep. After she finished the tea and slipped her earbuds in, she was pretty much out like a light.

Eliza never left, though. She took Lena’s temperature each time she woke up and made sure she took a few sips of water before going back to bed so she wouldn’t get dehydrated. And when Lena tossed and turned, she always made sure to de-tangle the strings to her earbuds so they wouldn’t get caught around her neck.

She was kind, filled with more patience than Lena was sure she’d ever seen before. She was perfect, in a sense. And Lena wasn’t quite sure what to make of that.

“Is she like this with everyone?” She asked Kara once she was sure Eliza wasn’t looking. “Is she always this nice?”

“Kinda, yeah,” Kara signed, shrugging as if it were nothing. “I mean, it’s a bit different with you. She knows you mean a lot to me so you mean a lot to her too.”

Too tired to press further, Lena accepted the answer and relaxed against her pile of pillows.

“I like her,” she signed. “When I think about my birth mom or what I would’ve liked to have growing up… I see someone very similar to her.”

Kara nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I got really lucky.”

As Lena allowed herself to lay back down and set her palms over her eyes to block out the light, she couldn’t help but wonder about her own mother.

Even without reading the letters, she knew the type of person Orla was. Someone who’d cared enough to make mementos of all Lena’s milestones and triumphs-- no matter how small. The type of mother to keep trying for years to follow after Lena was adopted, even though she was never given a single thing in return.

In a way, Kara had everything Lena had ever wanted when it came to Eliza. And while Lena knew it was useless to be jealous (though, she wasn’t sure if jealous was the right word to describe what she was feeling) she knew that connection had to mean something.

Perhaps it had something to do with what Alex said the week earlier. Loss made people do crazy things. Lena had only really thought about it in terms of her mother-- it made the most sense at the time. But Orla wasn’t the only one who lost someone. And while for Lena, it had been a lifetime ago, the reality of what happened was only really beginning to set in now.

If Alex was right, maybe Orla wasn’t the only one she’d been referring to.

“Hey, I hope you don’t mind but I couldn’t help but notice the garden on your fire escape. Did you grow it yourself?”

“Lena?”

Lena’s head turned slowly at the feeling of Kara tapping her shoulder. She smiled, though her head had begun to throb, the pulsating sensation reaching from the tip of her hair to the backs of her eyes.

“She asked about the garden,” Kara signed. “She wants to know if you grew it yourself.”

Oh.

Eyes widening, Lena all but shoved the bowl of soup she’d been eating off on Kara. She might’ve been stumped and disgusting and breathing like a vacuum cleaner as Kara had so kindly put it, but that did not mean she was going to pass up an opportunity to show off her garden in the sky. Especially if it meant she could find some way to bond with Eliza.

“Yes, I’ve been working on it for a few years. Well, I restarted a few weeks ago when he--” she pointed to Milo, who was stretched out across the kitchen sink, using the faucet as a back scratcher. “--destroyed all my work. But I think the new stuff has come pretty far.”

Pausing for a moment, Lena looked from Kara to Eliza.

She cared, right? The questions meant she wanted to know more?

“Would you like to see it? I-- I can show you if you’re interested.”

“Yes,” Eliza said, smiling. “I’d love to!”

As quickly as her aching body could handle, Lena scrambled out of bed and grabbed a fleece blanket to drape over her shoulders. Her arms and legs were covered in goosebumps, her fingers quivering ever so slightly when she signed. Even the chills, which once had seemed to leave her alone were now swallowing her whole.

Lena, however, did her best to ignore it. The garden would be worth it, it always was.

So she made her way over to the fire escape, Kara gently brushing up against her side as they walked.

“Hey,” she signed, strategically refraining from speaking so Eliza wouldn’t overhear. “I told you she’d love you.”

“You did,” Lena signed. She nodded with a chuckle, cheeks turning pink from adoration. “You were right.”

“Yeah, I like hearing that.” Kara laughed. “I was right.”

Lena propped up one leg on the ladder towards the edge of the balcony and leaned forward, slowly shifting her weight as she moved.

“Recently I’ve been slightly obsessed with the different types of respiration,” she rambled. “What’s so cool is that it’s actually pretty simple. Sugars are produced during photosynthesis as well as oxygen, which produces enough energy for growth. The respiration itself, though, takes place in the mitochondria in the presence of oxygen. It’s called aerobic respiration and--”

For a second Lena stopped, the information freezing in her brain. She held her hands by her chest as she looked over at Kara, who was sitting on the windowsill, leaning against the side of the wall while she did her best to interpret.

At her side were shelves Lena had nailed to the bricks. They held multiple weeks' worth of plants and a new pot with the bouquet Kara had brought over that morning.

“Are you getting all this?” Lena signed, adjusting her blanket as she raised an eyebrow. “Or am I moving too quickly?”

“Uhhh...”

Kara smiled nervously and looked from Lena, to Eliza, to Milo, who was sitting at the other end of the windowsill with her. Really, she would’ve been lying if she said she’d understood more than four words and at least four of those were just different plant names. Part of her even wanted to ask how Lena managed to go so fast-- faster than she went when she was not feeling like absolute sh*t.

But that wasn’t the task at hand. And Kara was starting to believe that even if Lena did start from the top, she still was going to be just as confused as she was now.

“Yeah, most of it,” she signed after a second, nodding with as confidence as she could manage. “I think.”

“Great.” Lena grinned. “Can you ask if she has any thoughts on the use of the stomata for diffusion? I’m desperate to hear how an actual scientist feels about it.”

“Oh… sure, can you fingerspell that for me first?” Kara asked as her brow furrowed with confusion.

“Which part?”

“Um.” A pause. “All of it?”

Lena sighed, tilting her head with a smile. She took a step forward and awkwardly brushed past Eliza, who’d found herself examining the newest strawberry-peach hybrids.

“Did you get anything from earlier?”

“Honestly, you lost me after these are my plants,” Kara admitted, holding her breath as she awaited Lena’s response.

“Yeah, I could tell.”

“How?”

“Crinkle.” Lena smiled, pressing her thumb to the spot centered between Kara’s eyes.

“Stupid crinkle,” Kara huffed.

She shook her head with disapproval, the sight of which made Lena giggle.

“It’s okay, I suppose it’s the thought that counts,” she signed through her laughter. “And I do appreciate the effort.”

“Yes, there was a lot of effort. You’re just so fast, it’s like ASL superspeed or something.”

“Well, you’ll pick it up eventually,” Lena signed. “Just give it a few years and you’ll stop signing like a hearing person.”

“Hey!” Kara exclaimed, her jaw-dropping in horror. “What the heck is that supposed to mean?”

Lena shrugged, unable to keep from laughing even harder at Kara’s offense.

“Just that you don’t sign like a Deaf person. It’s nothing personal, you're just a bit slower. And stiffer,” she explained. “And you always speak. I move my mouth when I sign to hearing people because it makes it easier for them. But it doesn’t come naturally the way it does for you.”

“You used to move your mouth with me,” Kara pointed out. For a second, she couldn’t help but think back to the early days at the library, when Lena would join her with stacks of ASL dictionaries and English thesauruses to help her study. “But you don’t anymore-- why’d you stop?”

“You stopped needing it. Just like how one day, your signs will stop looking like they obviously come from a hearing person.”

Eliza ended up leaving not long after the tour of Lena’s garden. The Tylenol had worn off and the exhaustion quickly followed, rendering Lena bed bound for the rest of the day.

Most of the time, she spent asleep, only moving in the spaced-out intervals when she checked her temperature and updated her list of symptoms. With every check, she only seemed to grow more anxious, almost as if she were waiting on some sort of looming deadline.

But even so, after hours of the same thing playing on a loop, Kara still kept herself from asking about it. If Lena wanted her to know what was going on she’d address it, she always did. So all that worry, it was just misplaced nerves. At least that was what she told herself. After all, it wasn’t like she had any other explanation.

It wasn’t until Kara began cleaning off the table from lunch and getting ready to go back home that Lena said something.

She flicked the lights to get her attention, waiting for Kara to turn before beginning.

“Kara, wait, come here,” she signed, gesturing for Kara to come closer.

With a nod, Kara obliged. She set down the plates she’d been holding and approached Lena’s bed, taking her seat at the edge the same way she’d done so many times before.

“What’s up?”

“I…” Lena smiled, momentarily looking down at her lap. “I need to ask for a favor.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“So it… it isn’t easy to explain,” Lena signed with a nervous chuckle.

She drew in a deep breath as she intertwined her fingers, staring down at them in an attempt to gather her thoughts.

Already, she’d picked off the whites of her nails. She’d spent most of the morning she hadn’t been sleeping, biting the corners and pulling at the skin, not stopping until the area was raw and pink.

Now, most of her fingers were tender and red. They were covered in calluses left from writing her symptoms and temperature over and over again and irritated scratches from how long she’d spent fidgeting with the bumps. As she looked at the broken pieces, Lena honestly couldn’t be sure why she was so nervous about talking to Kara.

Kara had seen her crazy, seen her chew off her fingers like a little kid and obsessively track data from every minute of every hour. She wasn’t phased, wasn’t grossed out like part of Lena still thought she should’ve been.

But even so, something about this ask felt different. As if it were just out of Lena’s grasp, just what she needed to push Kara away.

“Can you stay with me tonight?” She asked eventually. “Stay here… just until my fever breaks?”

She looked back up as she waited for a response, holding her breath when she saw how confused Kara looked.

“Of course, I can,” Kara signed. “Was that it?”

“Yes, that was it.”

Lena brushed the pads of her fingers across her cheeks, her skin still warm and damp with sweat. Already, she wanted to reach for her notebook and go back to writing, go back to getting everything down on paper so she’d stay ahead of the stupid cold. But she was too tired, too burnt out from the day of micromanaging it.

“Hey,” Kara whispered, sensing her withdrawal. She slid her thumb beneath Lena’s chin, gently lifting it so Lena could see her eyes. “Is there something else?”

Shrugging, Lena managed a sad smile.

“It’s just a cold,” she signed. “It’s not a big deal. I just… I need to be prepared.”

“Prepared for what?”

“If I need to go to the hospital--”

“The hospital?” Kara exclaimed, her signs big and broad. “Lena, what are you talking about?”

“Just listen, Kara,” Lena signed, sighing. She reached out and gently pushed down Kara’s hands.

“I can’t… I wouldn’t be able to go alone. I-- someone like me-- it just isn’t-- it wouldn’t work.”

“Is it an anxiety thing?” Kara asked. “I’d still stay, but is that it? Is it like a mental barrier?”

Lena shook her head, wishing more than anything that it was. God, she would’ve given anything to just go to Kelly and use her DBT skills to get over this. She would’ve loved for it to all be in her head.

“No, Kara. I… a few years ago I twisted my ankle in a crappy pair of heels. I went to the ER but it was a weekend and it was late…” Lena paused and looked down at her lap. Something about this story suddenly felt so humiliating.

Maybe it was the fact that it was such a minor injury, or that it could’ve been prevented entirely if she’d just been smart and chosen another set of shoes. Either way, admitting it to someone made her sick to the stomach. And not just because of her fever.

“The hospital didn’t have any interpreters and none of the doctors knew ASL. I tried to write them notes, to type out what was happening on my phone but they couldn’t understand what I was trying to do or they didn’t just care enough to wait. Either way… they left me in a bed for three hours before checking me out… I honestly think they forgot I was even there.”

“Oh, Lena, that’s terrible,” Kara breathed, her heart swelling at the confession.

“When they finally got to me, they still wouldn’t listen to me. The entire time, I kept trying to sign, to point at where it was hurting, but nothing worked. Eventually, I just gave up and called Sam. Luckily she was doing an internship about ten minutes away so she came over and interpreted for me but the whole thing… it was just awful,” Lena continued. “They listened when she got there, thankfully. She wanted to give them an earful about patient care and bedside manner but I told her not to, that it wasn’t worth it. I just let the doctor give me a boot and crutches and we left. That was it.”

“That’s terrible-- Lena, I’m so sorry that happened.”

Lena nodded, smiling sadly.

“I know. And that’s why I need you to stay,” she explained. “I know that I’ll be fine and it’s just a cough and fever, but the ER doesn’t have interpreters after five on the weekends. So if anything happens… if for some reason I need to see a doctor I can’t go alone. They won’t listen to me.”

“But they’ll listen to me,” Kara said with a sigh.

“Yes. You’re hearing and you’re verbal so they’ll see you as a person. If I go alone, I’ll just be an inconvenience.”

“Is that why you’ve been taking your temperature every ten minutes? So you’d have proof that you’d been sick?”

“And so you’d have something to give to the doctors if you had trouble interpreting. I didn’t want either of us to be unprepared.”

Kara wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. Part of her wanted to make a nervous joke about how it was so very Lena of her to make sure they were prepared for disaster, even in her current state. But it didn’t feel right. Nothing did.

This wasn't the type of thing where she could say a few words and make it all go away. They couldn’t sit together and wait out the bad feeling, wait for things to resolve on their own. This was bigger than her, bigger than both of them.

For once, Kara was at a complete loss.

“Lena, I’m so sorry,” was all she could say. “I’m so so sorry.”

“I know,” Lena signed, nodding. “But if anything happens we have a plan. We’ll know what to do, I just need you to be with me.”

She watched as Kara took her hand in hers, gently brushing the pad of her thumb across her knuckles.

For once, all she wanted was to not have a plan. To not need to have a plan.

But that wasn’t her reality. And as unfair as it was, it never would be.

As soon as she knew Lena was asleep, Kara slipped out of bed. She kissed her forehead and crept away as subtly as she could, even holding her breath so she wouldn’t somehow shake the floors.

“I’ll be right back,” she whispered and quickly padded over to the kitchen.

Once she was far enough away Kara allowed herself to breathe again, pausing only for a moment to look back at Lena as she picked up her phone.

With trembling fingers, she dialed Eliza’s number-- biting her bottom lip as she listened to the dial tone.

Kara couldn’t be sure what it was-- if it was all the little pieces building too fast or the anger she felt bubbling inside every time Lena had to deal with a dismissive or infantilizing patron at the library or the hospital thing starting to eat her alive. It could’ve been a combination of both-- Kara couldn’t tell. All she knew was whatever it was, she couldn’t stand it.

She needed to get it out before she exploded.

“Hey, what's up, Kara?” Eliza’s voice rang out from the other line. She picked up on the second ring, voice cherry enough Kara could all but hear her smile through the phone. “Is Lena feeling any better?”

“No,” Kara mumbled. She shook her head, sighing. “She’s not. She said she thinks it’ll be gone in the morning but… I don’t know, this is killing me.”

“What is? Having to take care of her?”

“No, not that. I like being here and she isn’t making me take care of her,” Kara said, huffing in frustration as she tried to find the right words. “I’m just… I’m angry because this-- it isn’t supposed to be this way. She shouldn’t have to think about the things she’s thinking.”

“What shouldn’t be this way?”

“I don’t know-- all of it! The whole system is messed up and it’s just-- it’s hurting her, it’s hurting everyone like her!”

“Kara, honey slow down. What system, what’s hurting her?”

“Lena’s afraid to go to the hospital.” Kara turned on her heel, her heart beginning to pound. “She won’t need to go but she… she has this notebook where she tracks her symptoms and her temperature and she asked me to stay with her tonight. Which is-- it’s fine, I would’ve stayed regardless. But it’s all because she’s scared if she has to see a doctor, she’ll be alone.”

“Did you ask why she’s afraid?” Eliza asked.

Kara nodded, starting to pace back and forth through the studio as she tried to gather her thoughts.

“Because it’s a Saturday and they don’t have interpreters after five on the weekends,” Kara explained. Her heart was racing now, breath catching all over again. “She’s supposed to be safe there! She’s supposed to go to the doctor if she needs help but she can’t!”

It was then that the tears Kara had been trying so hard to keep at bay overflowed, the weight of the day finally spilling out all over the place. She could hear Lena starting to stir and for a second, Kara worried she’d woken her up. But Lena was fine which meant she should’ve been too. They all should’ve been fine.

“She said last time none of them would even try to understand her until she called a hearing friend to interpret for her. And I-- I know how to sign but I don’t know any medical terms, I don’t even know what the sign for Tylenol is! I can’t take her to the hospital, I’m not prepared!”

Kara pressed a hand to her forehead and pursed her lips, staring back at Lena as she waited for Eliza to say something, anything at all. A sliver of hope that there was a way to fix this-- that they could just call in a favor at the hospital if needed and everything would work itself out.

But there was nothing. And even if there had been, it wouldn’t have been enough. Lena needed stability. She needed support, for people to listen to her because she knew herself, she knew when something was wrong. Not because some hearing person came in and explained it all for her.

“I don’t know what to do,” Kara cried. Her voice was softer this time, flatter too. “I’m Supergirl, I’m supposed to help people but this… Lena should be able to go to the doctor on her own. She shouldn’t have to have notebooks and trackers of all her symptoms just so that they’ll take her seriously. I mean-- what if she had been really sick tonight and I hadn’t been able to stay with her. What-- what would’ve happened then?”

“I don’t know,” Eliza admitted. She sighed, sounding just as defeated as Kara. “Unfortunately, this just isn’t the kind of thing you can fix. It would require serious systemic change and that sort of thing doesn’t come from one person alone.”

“But why not?” Kara exclaimed. “That’s bullsh*t! Why does Lena have to wait for some sort of disability rights revolution-- she needs this stuff now. She needed it three years ago when she broke her ankle and everyone refused to help her!”

“Kara, it’s a terrible system, I’m not saying it isn’t. But a lot of things on Earth are. Lena deserves better-- all Deaf people do, but it isn’t possible for you to fix this for her.”

Blocking out Eliza’s words, Kara turned her head and took a moment to catch her breath. But when she saw Lena stepping out of bed, completely oblivious to the conversation going on behind her, she quickly said goodbye to her foster mom and hung up the phone, slipping it back into her pocket.

“Hey, what are you doing up?” She signed when Lena turned around, doing her best to muster up a smile.

“I got hungry, I was gonna see if we had any soup left,” Lena responded. She took a step forward, brow furrowing with concern when she got a better look at Kara’s worried expression and the tear tracks that stained her face. “What happened, why were you crying?”

“I…”

Kara’s hands dropped to her eyes as Lena’s reached up, gently cupping her cheeks.

“You don’t have to do that,” Kara said, the corners of her lips tugging into a frown. “I’m supposed to be helping you, remember?”

Lena nodded, though through the darkness she was unable to make out even a word. All she knew was Kara was speaking and she wanted to listen. Even if she physically couldn’t.

After a moment, Lena pulled away. She turned off the lamp next to her bed and the fairy lights strung up around the wall, glancing back at Kara’s palms.

“Tell me again?” She asked. “I can’t read your lips. Too tired.”

“I… okay…” Kara signed, looking down at the ground.

She shifted her weight between her heels, unsure of where to start.

It wasn’t Lena that was the problem. Kara knew if she explained it she would listen, knew if she wanted to talk, Lena would be there.

But for once, none of that mattered. Because as much as Kara hated to say it-- there was truth to what Eliza had told her. Things like this couldn’t be changed overnight, certainly not by only one person. And even if they could’ve, it wasn’t Kara being targeted. It wasn’t her problem to be upset about.

She could go to the doctor or anywhere, really, without having to think about the things Lena did. She didn’t have to advocate for herself twice as hard as everyone else did, or find she was given the most respect when someone else was speaking for her. Kara was privileged in a way Lena could only dream of being.

To Kara, it was a moment. When she thought about the hospitals and the injustice Lena faced, it was something to be angry over, to cry about for a few minutes. But for Lena, it was her life. She never got to be blissfully unaware of the way Kara had remained for so many years. Because the world didn’t cater to people like her, it never had. And finally, Kara was starting to understand what that meant.

“I was talking to E-l-i-z-a,” she confessed after a moment, her signs still hesitant. “About the hospital stuff.”

“Oh.”

Lena paused, tilting her head as she contemplated.

“Do you wanna eat with me?” She asked after a moment, a nervous smile gracing her lips.

Kara nodded and followed Lena into the kitchen. She didn’t say a word as Lena pulled out two bowls and spoons from the cabinet. She poured out the soup and set the table, taking a seat across from Kara and folding one leg over the other.

“I… I’m sorry, Kara,” Lena signed once they were settled, looking up and meeting Kara’s eyes. “I wouldn’t have gotten you involved if I’d known it would’ve been this stressful. You just… you asked and I assumed you really did want to know. But I didn’t think about how it would hit you. I mean… I’m used to this sort of thing and you aren’t. I should’ve been more sensitive to that.”

Kara shook her head. “No, Lena. You’re right-- I did want to know. You shouldn’t have to dumb things down to spare my feelings-- especially stuff like this.”

“So what were you telling E-l-i-z-a then?” Lena asked. “If you want to tell me, of course.”

“I don’t know.” Kara exhaled, looking down at her soup. “I told her about the interpreters and how much dangerous it could be for you to go to the hospital on your own. I honestly don’t know what I expected her to say. I think I was just venting.”

“Why didn’t you just come to me?”

Kara shrugged. “It’s not my issue to be upset over, it’s yours. And I didn’t wanna burden you with it if I’m not the one being hurt.”

“I mean yeah, it’s not your thing. But it affects you too,” Lena signed. “If I get hurt or sick in the middle of the night or on a weekend you’re gonna be the one I’ll have to depend on for interpretation and that isn’t fair to either of us. You haven’t even been signing for six months and the only person you use ASL with is me. It isn’t realistic for you to simply understand what I’m saying when I go over my symptoms or any other medical terminology.”

“Yeah but--”

“I don’t see myself getting gravely sick or injured any time in the near future but if anything were to happen to me, Kara, I know you. I know you’ll panic and you’re gonna need someone too. I can’t be relying on you in that type of situation. It isn't safe or fair to either of us.”

Kara nodded, pursing her lips.

“Then what do we do?” She asked. “E-l-i-z-a says there’s nothing we can do but…”

“But you know I don’t think like that?” Lena raised an eyebrow, smiling when Kara nodded.

“Right now, we stick to the notebook and what we do have. It’s not a permanent solution but if anything happens tonight… it’s pretty much all we’ve got.”

“That doesn't really solve the problem, though.”

“Well, true, but you’ve got that blog now,” Lena pointed out. “You could write an article-- try to talk to some other Deaf and hard of hearing people in the area. Or parents of Deaf kids, like Sam.”

She hesitated, wiggling her fingers as she thought.

“Something like that… it might not help me directly but it’ll make people aware of what’s happening. And that’s the first step, right?”

“Yeah.” Kara nodded, swaying from side to side as the gears slowly began to turn. “It is. I just-- it’s not my story to tell. Do you really think anyone would read it?”

Lena shrugged. “I mean, I can’t speak for the rest of the world but I know I would. You just have to do your research and don’t shy away from the fact that it isn’t something you’re experiencing directly. It’s something you care about but it isn’t… it isn’t your problem,”

“Yeah,” Kara hummed, nodding as she began to smile too. “I’m sure I could find some people online. In chat rooms or forums or something like that.”

“You could.” Lena smiled. “Talk to the right people and uplift their voices. You could do a lot of good that way.”

“You seriously think I could write this?”

“I can’t think of anyone better.”

Chapter 19

Chapter Text

“So… did you do it?”

“Do what?”

Alex sighed, tilting her head as she kicked Lena under the table.

“Don’t play dumb with me -- tell Kara, obviously!” She exclaimed. “Did you tell her you love her? Ya know, verbally?”

She straightened her posture and smiled through the frustration, the sight of which made Lena laugh. Alex and Kara might not have been related by blood but it was so easy to see the mannerisms Kara had inhibited from her sister. She could only wonder if Kara and Alex were aware of them too.

“And leave out the dirty details -- I get enough of that from Kara.”

“I didn’t tell her.” Lena frowned, looking down at her AAC. “I was about to…I even started to, but I don’t know, I couldn’t get the words out. I tried, I just… couldn’t.”

“What do you think happened?” Alex asked, her voice and signs softer this time. She pulled back into her seat, folding one leg over the other. “Was it a nerve thing? Or do you not…”

“I do love her,” Lena interjected. “I’m sure of that. And I’m going to tell her. I think… sometimes Kara and other hearing people will say things about feeling like there’s a frog in their throat when they try to speak. And I always thought it was an exaggeration but when the time came… the words just wouldn’t work.”

Alex nodded. “Yeah… that happens sometimes.”

“It does, apparently. But I’ve realized, I might just need to keep practicing. I mean -- clearly, I can’t tell what I sound like but I’ve spoken maybe four times in the last twenty years. My voice isn’t going to be clear and I need her to understand what I’m saying. Or to at least understand what I’m trying to say.”

“True. But ,” Alex countered, drawing out the word both verbally and with her hands. “You also might just need to rip the bandaid off and get it over with. Kara may not understand you at first but like you said -- you’ve been non-verbal for twenty years. And now you’re learning to say this just for her. Trust me, it doesn’t matter what you sound like. It’ll mean the world to her either way.”

“I don’t know...maybe you’re right.”

Lena reclined in her seat and pulled up her legs so her heels balanced between the edge of the chair and the table.

She’d invited Alex to coffee at a spot Sam had called to tell her about. All the servers were either Deaf or hard of hearing which meant for once, Lena wouldn’t have to bend over backward to communicate.

It just felt most fitting to meet up in person seeing as Alex had spent the past week and a half badgering Lena for answers over what happened with her attempt to speak to Kara. And if Lena was being honest, after six days of ‘forgetting’ to respond to her calls, she’d decided it was probably best to just get it all out in the open. Even if it was a bit humiliating.

“You’ve heard my voice,” she said after a moment, looking back up at Alex with a smile of realization. “Can you tell me what I sound like? I don’t care about the specifics just-- am I understandable?”

“I…” Alex paused. She began to play with the paper sleeve around her coffee cup, Lena’s heart dropping at the reaction. “It’s more complicated than good or bad. And I certainly don’t think you sound bad.”

Lena nodded, sighing through her smile.

“You just sound different, I guess. Most people, when they speak, their tone changes depending on the context or emotion of a conversation-- you do that in the way you sign. But your voice is more monotone… or flat, I guess. Which makes a lot of sense as you can’t hear yourself at all,” she said.

“Then what about intelligibility?” Lena asked. “If you didn’t know what I was trying to say, would you know what I meant?”

And again, Alex hesitated.

Lena had been working at this for so long, had devoted months of her time working tirelessly with her speech pathologist to get it right. Her voice might not have been perfect but it was getting there, she was improving. And that was what mattered most.

But even so, it was still Lena. Sugarcoating her response to spare her feelings was never the move -- Alex had learned that very quickly.

“I’m not sure,” she confessed. “I… maybe not. But I’m not Kara. She knows you better than I do, she knows your mannerisms and your quirks. She’ll be able to tell. And if she isn’t, I’m sure she’ll love it either way.”

“Yeah.” Lena smiled, nodding once more. “I hope so.”

She glanced down at the iPad, eyes widening when she saw the time stamp in the corner.

“sh*t. I need to get back to the library, my shift starts in ten minutes.”

“Oh--” Alex stood up, quickly following in Lena’s lead.

“Then yeah, let’s get out of here. You’ll text me if you say it, right?” She asked once Lena was looking back at her, doing her best to sign as much as possible.

“I will. Don’t worry. And call me later, I wanna know what my girlfriend’s telling you about our sex life.”

Hey, could you tell me where the computers are?

Lena tilted her head and quirked an eyebrow, doing her best to withhold a smile when she saw who’d slipped her the note.

“Very funny, Kara. What are you doing here?”

“I always come at five, it’s my routine,” Kara signed. She took a quick glance around the library then stepped closer to Lena’s desk. “Have you suddenly forgotten the past what-- five months?”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Lena responded. “You always come to read, though. What’s with all that?”

She pointed to the tote bag swung over Kara’s shoulder. There were books poking out from the top as well as a laptop and multiple charging cables. She’d stuffed in so much stuff it was a miracle the straps hadn’t given out yet.

“I’m meeting someone here in half an hour-- for the article. All this is just research material. Books on deaf culture… history… that kinda thing,” Kara explained. “I’ve actually already written most of it out. At least the argumentative parts. Oh, and bits and pieces of an intro and conclusion.”

She grinned once she was finished, holding her breath as she awaited Lena’s response. It wasn’t much -- not even half an article but finally, she felt like she was getting somewhere. She had a topic she cared about, a blog that was up and running (with almost twenty subscribers, give or take a few), and most importantly, that feeling in the pit of her stomach that said she was on the right track.

“I know it isn’t really a lot but this… this is really the first thing I’ve been sure of since leaving CatCo. It feels like I’m finally getting to use my voice for something good-- and something I care about.”

“That is a lot, Kara,” Lena signed, smiling over at her. “It’s everything. I’m really happy for you.”

Kara’s cheeks filled with heat, the red color creeping all the way up to her ears.

“Would you let me read it once you’re finished?” Lena asked. “Or is it all a secret until it’s published?”

“Of course, you can read it. I’m terrible at keeping things to myself, I get too excited.”

“I know,” Lena signed with a laugh. “Oh-- and come meet me upstairs in the children’s corner later. Some people from the zoo are coming by with a snake and sometimes they let the librarians hold them.”

Kara settled into a corner towards the back of the ground floor, texting Lena when she saw the group from the zoo come in with a gaggle of people and a cage so large that putting anything other than a snake inside simply wouldn’t have made sense. She snapped a picture then sent it to Lena, getting a smiley face and heart emoji back in response.

Below, she texted a few jokes about how the snake was bound to be bigger than Lena was, which forced Lena to resist the urge to laugh like an insane person in front of three of her coworkers. She was about to put her phone away and halt off any further distractions but stopped herself when she caught a text from Eliza pop up at the top of her screen.

Hey -- are you feeling any better? I know it’s been a few days but I just wanted to check in. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do!

Lena paused, her phone still in hand as she read the message over again. It had been almost a week since her encounter with Kara’s foster mother and the cold had disappeared after less than twenty-four hours. She’d been fine, she was fine. But that worry, that care, it all made her wonder if she really was doing better at all.

Lena stood up and pushed in her chair, signaling to one of her coworkers that she was going on break.

The words lingered in her mind as she snuck swiftly back into the supply closet, locking the door behind her once she was sure she was alone. For a second, it made her think about her own mother – her real mother. Made her wonder what it would’ve been like all those times she’d been sick when she was little. She knew from the letters that she’d been taken care of. She’d been loved and if her mom was still out there, then perhaps that same fondness still remained. But other than those faint descriptors, Lena had no solid reference to what it must’ve been like.

Knowing Eliza now, she could imagine it was an experience similar to what Kara would’ve had growing up.

Lena smiled as she looked down at her phone. For the first time since finding the letters, she was able to find comfort in the thought. The thought that it wasn’t a love she’d imagined but one that had truly existed– one that had belonged to hers and maybe still did.

She read the text again and took her seat on the ground towards the corner, her heart beginning to pound as she flipped through the other notifications at the top of her screen. Most of them were from Kara – funny videos she’d found she thought Lena might like or pictures of flowers she’d seen on her walk to the library.

Buried in the cloud of messages was one from Alex. One about her mother.

There’s a small cafe in the village you would’ve lived in. From what I’ve gathered, it seems like she worked there.

Lena bit her lip.

She’d remembered digging through her box for the millionth time after first reading the text, re-examining the letters, and for the first time noticing the worn, brown coffee stains in the corner. She’d smiled as she ran her fingers over the edges, picking through the old photographs once more as she tried to form a clear image in her head.

One of the pictures showed Lena in a small, toddler-sized apron bent over what appeared to be a kitchen counter, standing on her tiptoes on the edge of a step stool with a picture book in her hands. Seeing it again, Lena had thought back to what her mother said about taking her to work with her the weeks before her adoption. Wondered if she’d taken Lena to the cafe and made it into a fun little game so she wouldn’t question what was really happening.

Reclining against the wall, Lena continued to scroll through the other messages. The repeats that had been stuck in her head for weeks now.

Sorry, I haven’t found anything new.

Still looking, unfortunately, haven’t made much progress.

Nothing new just yet. Sorry, Lena.

After a while, Lena had gotten so used to seeing them, she stopped responding entirely. She just couldn’t bring herself to ask for more, couldn’t keep telling Alex to continue searching when they both knew they were getting nowhere.

Lena sighed and went back to Eliza’s message, chewing her bottom lip as she looked at the screen.

I’m doing better, thank you for asking, she responded after a moment.

Eliza wrote back almost immediately.

That’s good to hear! Kara told me she’s writing an article about ableism in the medical system. She said you were her inspiration.

Lena smiled, her cheeks filling with heat.

I heard. I’m really proud of her.

She stared at the message for a few seconds– unsure of whether or not it would be too much. The statement was true, sure, but it’s Kara’s foster mom she’s been talking to? Was she even allowed to say she’s proud?

After a moment of contemplation, Lena hit send and released a breath she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding in. She can deal with the anxiety later, she decided.

For now, she’ll go back to her girlfriend to see the snake. It’s far more important than whatever had been keeping her in the closet.