All Hell Breaks Loose (A Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss Reaction Fic) - Vauschen (2024)

Chapter 1: Transmission Hijacking

Chapter Text

Another sunny, bright day in California, and the whole beach smelled like sweat, sex, and sea salt.

Malibu was one of those places that every jock and bimbo visited at least once in their life, like a Mecca for hot chicks and annoying dude-bros. Sure, it had the average California resident strolling on the street, maybe a family or two enjoying the beachfront view, but the boardwalks were mostly crowded by tourists and frathouse frequenters.

Despite the slightly birdbrained demographic, there was a slightly unsettling air around the usually lively Malibu sands. Even the dumbest blonde bombshells could feel their horny and sassy demeanor dim. Veroskia Mayday’s pop-up concert on the beach a few months ago had ended in disaster, with attendees either going missing or crazies spouting off some nonsense about a “sea monster”.

And yet, life moved on. Some weird videos of said sea monster were posted on Tik-Tok and Twitter, but it was probably some lame ARG or publicity stunt.

Chad was a hunk with enough tanned skin and muscle to make even a nun blush. Despite his jock-like appearance, he was the smartest of “the boys”, a bona-fide prodigy when it came to sports medicine. Being one of the few guys in the college dorms with enough braincells to rub together, his friends made him keep score of their football bets whenever they went drinking.

Enthusiastic whoops filled the open barfront as the guys cheered, hooting and hollering. The TV blared out, overpowering their voices with the announcer’s bombastic voice.

“And that’s touchdown! Hopkins manages to score for the Rams, bringing them 5-3 against the Raiders!” One of Chad’s buddies groans in defeat, and hands ten dollars over to another fratboy. Chad chuckles, striking another tally onto his notepad and keeping track of the bets around him.

Suddenly, all the TVs in the bar flickered, cutting to static. Onlookers complained, some even slamming their drinks down in frustration.

“Oh come on! Right when it was about to get good!”

Hey bartender! Fix your damn crappy TV!”

“f*ck you!”

The barkeep narrowed his eyes, and stood up, whacking the TV. It still didn’t work, displaying static.

Grumbling, the frat boys lumbered out of the bar to check the electronics store nearby hoping to see the display TVs work. As Chad strolled out to the store, he and his friends looked on in surprise to see all of the TVs in the storefront, along with other storefronts, fizzle and pop with static.

“ What the f*ck ?”

Pedestrians muttered and murmured in fear, shock, and confusion as almost every flatscreen TV filled with the same static. A little girl clutched onto her mother’s hand, tilting her head. “What’s happening, mommy?”

Her mother looked at the screens in worry. “I don’t know, sweetie…”

A particularly scruffy homeless man scoffed, and pointed at the screens. “I bet it’s the end of the world! Aliens are trying to hijack our signals, and take over the world!

“Man, get off the meth, dumbass.” Another onlooker sneered at the disheveled old bum. “It’s obviously a cyber attack, or something. I bet it was the North Koreans, or Russians.

A tourist pulled out her phone and began recording. Someone piped up, waving their phone. “Holy sh*t! This is happening all around the world!”

The onlookers turned to the frantic teen with shocked looks. He continued, pulling out his own iPhone and showing them pictures. “Britain, South Korea, Australia… hell, all around the world! All TVs are going on the fritz on this one channel!

“f*ckin’ sh*t! I told you guys it was aliens!”

“Is this the end of the world?! Hell yeah! I don't have to do my midterm tomorrow!

“Oh god… may Jesus have mercy on us…”

A nurse stepped up to the crowd, shouting to calm them down. “Everyone, stay calm! Nothing bad has happened yet- let’s wait to see what’s causing this before panicking!” She pulled out her phone, and began to call the cops to help suppress the unruly crowd.

It was complete f*cking chaos in the offices and control rooms of the FCC headquarters, workers running around and doing their best to find where the signal was coming from. A few of them shrugged, and continued eating their sandwiches. It was lunch break, after all - it doesn't matter if it might be a nuke or the end of the world, they aren’t going to work during their break.

“Who the f*ck?! WHAT the f*ck?!” One of the chief broadcast engineers pulled his hair in stress. “Where is this signal COMING FROM???”

The nervous intern beneath him typed furiously, sweating. “I-I don't know sir! Nobody knows! Every time we try to locate the signal, it keeps popping up randomly in completely different areas!” A dot on a map flashed from Missouri, to Kyoto, to Abu Dhabi. “The locations are all around the globe- they’re constantly scrambling the signal!”

Engineers huffed out a litany of curses, from “oh my god” to ‘f*ckin’ hell”. The whole department was in chaos- and what was happening in the US was happening to the entire world, too. In that one moment, broadcasters of all nationalities, races, and religions were united by one thought:

“ I am going to be so f*cking fired.”

Far, far away, in another plane of reality, the television screens in the rings of hell were similarly engulfed in static. Sinners gathered in bars and in front of their televisions, watching in interest.

A succubus chuckled, leaning against a lizard-like sinner. “Reckon Vox has something to do with this?” The sinner snorted, and checked his claws as the monstrous crowd mumbled and jeered around him. “Nah. Vox hates it when his little broadcasts are interrupted… I wonder what hotshot is tryna take his overlord position?” The succubus wheezed out, “H-Hah! As if they’d actually do anything!”

Alastor’s grin went wide as he saw the TV in the Happy Hotel’s lobby flicker and turn to static. Charlie and Vaggie stopped their idle conversation, and the princess of Hell blinked. “Huh. That’s odd… Why are you happier than usual?”

The Radio Demon’s static crackled and popped in sad*stic joy. “Oh, my wonderful fellows! It appears that all the TVs in Hell seem to be hijacked!” Everyone’s eyes widened, and Husk did a spit-take with his alcohol. Alastor continued on, his shadows twitching from the sheer malicious joy he had. “And it’s so entertaining ! I bet Vox, that uncultured fellow, is pulling at his wires in anger!”

Charlie gaped. “Like… all the televisions in Hell? Even outside the Pride ring?”

Alastor shrugged, still grinning. “As if I have a clue, dear! Sinners can’t leave Pride, remember?” The Radio demon smirked, and twirled his cane. “But I have heard from a few natural-born associates… That is the case. How mysterious and wonderful!”

Charlie looked at the TV warily. “This… might be dangerous. If it’s affecting all of Hell and not just pride, then Dad and the other Princes of Hell will get involved. This isn’t your usual overlord bickering…”

Angel Dust struts closer, popsicle in hand as he leans on the couch. “Wonder who’s doing this… he must be a real big shot to try and go into one of the three V’s domains and mess with them. Vox is going to be livid.”

The hotel’s inhabitants shuffle closer to the bar, looking up at the TV. This was too interesting to pass up.

The TV screens switched from static to an image in tandem, shocking the worldwide crowds. In front of them was a camera-headed man, dressed in a grey hoodie and casual wear.

Despite his informal appearance, the creature’s demeanor was downright serious, hands folded on a wooden table. “Hello, everyone. I am Cameron.”

His voice was like talking through a walkie-talkie, complete with the radio interference and clicks. The words were translated into subtitles below the screen, but the eerie automaton spoke in slightly accented English. There was a litany of reactions to the sight around the world, some people stumbling in fear while others leaned in closer with fascinated interest.

“For so long, you've all lived in complete obliviousness. Your lives were moved and observed, like chess pieces on a board.” The cameraman, despite having no face, narrowed the shutters on his lens to resemble a frustrated glare.

“You’ve lived so long not knowing what came after death. I’d lived so long not knowing. And then I f*cking died, and got sent straight down to hell.”

People recoiled as the sinner slammed his hands on the table in anger, making the transmission emit a slight crackle. Cameron heaved a breath, and laughed breathlessly. “ My life, all of our f*cking lives , are nothing but numbers to both Heaven and Hell. Heaven’s corrupt, and Hell’s a sh*thole .”

The pious Christians in the world paled at the mere thought of a corrupt Heaven, a few yelling in outrage at the screens.

The camera demon simply cackle maniacally, with the energy and vigor of a man getting his revenge. “ No more shall they hide in their f*ckin’ palaces and prissy little worlds. No more shall they manipulate humanity!” The laughter crescendoed. “I, CAMERON, will SHOW YOU ALL! I’m going to use what they’ve turned me into, and I’m going to make THEM the entertainment! How do you like that, f*ckers!”

And the world watched as the screens flickered to red.

Chapter 2: Hazbin Hotel Pilot (Part 1)

Chapter Text

The streets and rooms of Earth were filled with murmurs, chatting and shouting, religious folk arguing with laypeople, the world dipped into temporary chaos. A good amount of people kneeled in disbelief and began to pray, their voices shaking quietly or rising in a cacophony of desperate fate.

Of course, that was the general reaction. Some panicked, some pondered, and some simply sat back and shrugged. Chad slapped his buddy Johnny on the back, chuffing in amusem*nt. “Guess we know where we’re going, Johnny.”

The fratboy groaned, burying his head in his hands. “My parents are going to be soooo pissed if they found out what I’ve been doing…” Johnny ran his hand through his hair. “They’re going to be even more annoying once they find out I’ve been partying and drinking… you know how religious they are…”

An off-duty scientist leaned forward, staring at the TV. “Fascinating… real proof of the afterlife! And evidence of human souls!” His hands twitched as they whipped out a notepad, his shoulders pressed against the restless crowd.

A priest scrunched up his nose, and stared at his gin. “...Well f*ck.” He practically chugs the liquor in one gulp, wiping his mouth. “All my years of worship, wasted after this single thing. At least I get to harp on about how I was right all along.”

Someone else in the bar wailed, irritated. “Are you f*cking kidding me? First the damn pandemic, now this??? What the hell did we do?” A woman next to him scoffs. “Nothing, apparently. If what that freaky guy says is correct, and heaven is corrupt, then God doesn’t give a damn about us.”

The TVs of hell were on full blast now. If any sinner was disinterested before, they were very intrigued now by the broadcast. Deep inside Valentino’s p*rn studio, Vox froze and snarled as Velvet rolled her eyes. “That bastard managed to override my whole damn service, and he uses it to broadcast to Earth?!” Despite the TV demon’s powers, nothing would remove the channel hijacker from his domain.

Valentino sneered, but raised an eyebrow. The moth demon took a drag of his cigarette. “It is… unusual that any one of us has been beat, especially in our own industries. As frustrating as this is… I say we let him continue.”

The TV demon gripped the expensive couch with his claws, growling. “What do you mean?!”

Valentino grinned sharply, and tapped his claws onto the table. “This… Cameron. He has access to Earth’s signals, and managed to override all of them. Which means he’s not just more powerful than us… he’s directly challenging Lucifer and Heaven.”

Velvet gaped. “What the f*ck. Even I’m not that crazy.” Vox slowed his breathing, his digital eyes still furrowed in a glare.

“Fine. I’ll let the dumbass get gutted by the angels or something.”

Valentino played with the cigarette in his claws, his antenna flicking in sad*stic interest. “And we might have something to gain, if that sinner can really expose Hell…”

The transmission starts, and Charlie’s voice rings from the television.

♫ At the end of the rainbow, there's happiness… ♫

[A human is shown falling down from the sky as a rainbow bursts upwards through the clouds.]

A woman blinks in confusion in shock as she huddles in the crowd, watching the episode on the TV. “What…? Is this like, a Disney musical? I thought we were watching Hell…”

Someone else in the crowd chimes in. “This kind of looks like shadow puppetry… is this like an intro or something? Exposition?”

In the Happy Hotel, Charlie freezes up as she hears her own voice singing. “That… No. I remember singing that after this year’s extermination, How-?” The blonde demon panics, and Vaggie wraps her arms around Charlie to comfort her.

“Mierda- Charlie, come on, I’m here…”

♫ And to find it, how often I've tried. ♫

[Charlie is seen being told off by her father.]

♫ But, my life is a race, just a wild goose chase. ♫

[Camera pans over to where a figure was pointing at, which shows Hell being circled by Angels.]

♫ And my dreams, have all been denied. ♫

A little girl sitting at his TV, watching the transmission with his mother and father, frowned in sympathy. “That's not very nice… she’s so friendly, why does she get told off?”

Her mother, a religious yet kind woman, spoke in a gentle tone. “Bad people go to Hell, sweetie. She might have done something bad, and got sent down…”

Another priest took pictures of Hell in the shadow-puppet style, jotting down notes as he muttered. “Amazing! And to think it looks like a planet…” The scientist next to him nods, sipping a margarita on the beachfront bar. “It certainly looks so. And the angels…”

♫ Why have I always been a failure? ♫

[A shadow of Lucifer looms over a disappointed Charlie as demonic arms and tentacles cover the screen.]

♫ What can the reason be? I wonder if the world's to blame. ♫

[The Earth rotates as many eyes begin to surround it.]

♫ I wonder if it could be me. ♫

[The Exorcists are seen smiling deviously as they look down upon the souls they have gotten rid of. The scene turns to black as the camera focuses on the middle Exorcist's face and halo.]

A Buddhist monk reels back in shock at the violent, terrifying silhouettes of the Exorcist angels. “By the Buddha! Is this what your angels look like?” The Christian sitting next to him in the TV store looks just as terrified. “I- Is this what they really look like? By God, it’s terrifying- maybe that demon had a point!”

Humans were similarly surprised and horrified to see the Exterminator’s appearances. Up in Heaven somewhere, Lute cursed. “f*ck.” Adam would not be happy if he learned that his kin were horrified with his Exorcist army’s appearance.

♫ I'm always chasing rainbows, watching clouds drifting by. ♫

[The scene fades in on graffiti and signs that says "f*ck You, Heaven", "Punishment" and "Your Days Are Numbered" can be seen throughout Hell.]

The scientist and the priest both leaned forward. Countless other humans around the world did too. “So this is Hell…” They were intrigued, transfixed, and terrified at the sight; they didn’t expect hell to look so much like Earth. In fact, if not for the carnage and red sky, it looked like your typical bad neighborhood.

The priest hummed in reflection. “Not what I expected, when I read about fire and brimstone.”

The denizens of hell pause, shocked. “Wait… that’s… actually Hell. This f*cker actually managed to get footage from here to Earth.” The crowd erupted in shouting, some cheering raucously while others gaped. “Holy f*ck, we actually have a chance! They know we’re here!”

The sinners were absolutely rioting with malicious and ecstatic glee- they were humans first and foremost, after all. They missed life on Earth, some more than others.

Hellborn demons gaped at the recording, disbelieving. A sinner managed to link Hell to Earth. This was either going to be very good or very bad.

♫ My schemes are just like all my dreams. / Ending in the sky. ♫

[Charlie heads towards the hotel's balcony as she releases fireworks that signals the rest of Hell that the extermination has ended.]

♫ Some fellows look and find the sunshine. ♫

[A handful of demons are seen checking the area to see if the coast is all clear.]

♫ I always look and find the rain. ♫

[An Overlord opens the blinds to her room, revealing the display of fireworks. The camera then proceeds to show a four-eyed Overlord, as well as Lucifer himself hiding in the shadows, present in the same room as her.]

The humans stared at the demons presented in the TV, some going pale while others talked in excited voices about their appearance. “Did you see? Those horns, they’re massive! And they look like an edgy goth!”

“That one looks kind of like a long deer… a wendigo, perhaps?”

“I can’t believe it, actual demons!”

An engineer mulled over the architecture of Hell as he huddled in the crowd of people watching the TV. “It’s definitely human architecture… reminiscent of the Gothic style, mixed with some modern skyscrapers and brutalism.”

The sleek woman next to him nodded. “Yes… and some of them look more human than others. Like that bone-winged demon, and that girl who set the firework off. I wonder what that huge pentagram in the sky is all about…?”

Charlie, still in the Happy Hotel, sees herself on the screen and blushes in embarrassment. “Did I really have to be seen crying like this?” She seems nervous, but still interested in the recording. “And I remember that day… Dad was having a meeting with some Overlords about territory disputes…”

♫ Some fellows make a winning sometime. ♫

[At The p*rn Studios, Velvette takes a selfie with Vox whereas Valentino is not amused when he sees that he got a text from his employee.]

The three V’s tense up as they see themselves on the screen, and Vox curses even louder. “That f*ckER! He managed to get a hold of us, too! How the f*ck does he do it?!” The TV demon whips his screen around, eying the room in anger and paranoia. Valentino is similarly angry, crushing his cigarette in his grip.

Velvet shrinks back a little, narrowing her eyes. “Damn it all…” The doll demon grips her phone, her attention now fully on the TV broadcast. “He knows how to get to us, without us knowing. That sh*t was months ago! We should have seen him, but nothing!”

A professor looks up from his notes, muttering as he watches the old TV in his college office. His fellow sociology and history majors gathered on desks, analyzing the scene. “They’ve got human tech, human services… And the p*rn studios is like what we have here, albeit a bit more publicly explicit. But that’s expected, considering that it’s Hell.”

His colleague nodded, gesturing to the three overlords. “They seem to be in a high position of power- compared to the other demons on the street, they have nicer clothes and a private room, all in the top suite of the studio.”

Another chimed in. “Maybe they were all humans, before…? That Cameron said he was sent to hell, and he didn’t look fully human. So maybe people transform into those demons once their souls reach hell?” The academic group murmured in disbelief and excitement at the theory.

♫ I never even make a gain, believe me. ♫

[Two demons check to see if Franklin is still alive and proceed to head offscreen as the cannibals waiting nearby pounce onto her dead body. Rosie then crosses out Franklin's name from the sign above their business.]

A vegan in the crowd made a gagging sound, and promptly lost her lunch on the street. Her boyfriend patted her on the back, feeling a bit nauseous himself at the cannibalism on the TV. “Holy f*ck… I guess it is Hell, after all. Nasty sh*t.”

♫ I'm always chasing rainbows. ♫

[A demon can be seen cleaning up what's been left of the extermination as other demons begin to freely walk about in the open.]

♫ Waiting to find a little bluebird, in vain. ♫

[Charlie looks back at The Clock Tower as it resets the timer for the next yearly cleanse.]

The humans murmured. “Yearly cleanse…?” Someone makes the connection to the exterminator angels and the practice. “Wait, is Heaven sending those creepy angels to kill sinners every year?”

Chad stared wide-eyed at the bar TV. “f*ck… no wonder it’s so messed up. It’s like The Purge, but worse…” A person next to him mumbled in shock and agreement. “I guess it the angels up there really are f*cked…”

Chapter 3: Hazbin Hotel Pilot (Part 2)

Chapter Text

It wasn’t everyday that a sinner managed to hijack the news channels, much less all of the news channels in Hell and Earth. But today just seemed like one of those days.

Emile lounged on his couch, the Parisian news he was watching long forgotten. He, just like every other human around the earth, was glued to the TV screen, utterly astounded by the existence of Hell. He gapes, the beer bottle in his hand falling to the hardwood floor with a thunk.

“If… if Hell is real, then-!” The Frenchman scrambled, pulling a photo out of his wallet. It showed himself and a slim man, grinning at the camera. His brother was a petty thief who’d moved to the states, dying from a shootout with some trigger-happy cops. Jaques always proudly joked that he’d go straight to hell for his thievery…

A few others around the world came to the same conclusion, whether it be about their loved ones or enemies. Their reactions were a mixture of disbelief and joy for some, slight annoyance or rage for others at the fact that whoever they hated was still somewhere out in reality.

Somewhere in Imp City, in the IMP Headquarters, the whole team was lounging around the office and watching the broadcast.

Blitzo gives a derisive scoff. “Eeesh, what a crybaby. I know she’s the princess of hell, all that sh*t, but come on!”

Moxxie shoots his employer an annoyed look. “Sir, the musical’s nice and all that, but what’s gonna happen if humans know we exist?” The shorter male imp fiddles with his claws nervously, Millie having to calm him down with a few shoulder rubs. “Everyone’s not going to look at us and think ‘Oh, just a bunch of raccoons’ anymore - they’re going to KNOW we’re demons!”

Loona scoffs, her paws kicked up on the table. The hellhound was off her phone and paying full attention to the TV - completely out of the ordinary. “Go eat a dick, Moxxie. If that’s the case, then we’ll just have to be more discreet. We’ve got disguises, and they worked before.”

“Be nice to Moxxie, Loona!” Millie frowns. “He’s got a point- ain’t nobody up there gonna buy those disguises anymore, if they have an idea of what hellborn folks look like.”

Blitzo groans, and runs a clawed hand down his face in aggravated annoyance. “Oh, great. Now it’s gonna be harder to do our jobs…”

The TVs flicker a bit, and the scene shifts somewhere else in Hell.

[A sinner has fallen into Hell and has been transformed into a demon. He falls face-first onto the road and is surprised to see that he is still "alive".]

Four-armed Demon: Aaaaah! Ugh. Huh? *checks himself* I'm alive! I'm alive-

[He then gets run over by a taxi driven by Travis which Angel Dust walks out of. Travis snickers.]

Travis cackles as he leans on the bartop counter, downing a shot of whiskey. “Ya see that, f*cker? I’m on TV!” The sinners around him give hoot and applaud, clapping the bat demon on his back.

The guy that was run over in the footage groaned. He’d remembered that day - lucky enough to die right after the extermination, but unlucky enough to fall right in front of that bastard’s car. At least he regenerated from that, but it still f*cking hurt to die.

Angel Dust gives a grin and flair as he sees himself on the screen. Husk rolls his eyes, polishing the shot glasses as Niffty tidies up the hotel bar.

Alastor gave a slight chuckle, amused by the comedic timing. Charlie turns to Angel Dust. “You know that guy?”

Angel shrugs his 4 arms, not caring. “Eh. See him in the studio often getting his rocks off with a few hookers. Never bothered to learn his name/”

A human crowd eating in an Indian restaurant winced, some patrons pushing away their bowls of curry. One customer noted how the sinner seemed disoriented, as if they’d just entered hell.

“Huh. The white one kind of looks like a spider, but with six limbs. Maybe an insect mimicking a spider, then?” The entomologist pushes her bowl to the side, tilting her head. “But it doesn't seem like they follow basic biology there.”

Travis: Heh. Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff!

Angel Dust: Yeah, yeah, listen. Keep this discreet, you hear me? I can't let it get out I'm offerin' my services to randos on the street! It was a quick cash grab. Ya got it?

Travis: Pfft! Whatever you say, slu*t! Muhehehehehehe!

Angel Dust: *pretends to be offended* Ouch! Ooh! Such an insult! Let me know when you've come up with something creative to call me, you sack of poorly packaged horse sh*t! Tell the missus I said "hi" *kisses him*, Shnucku*ms!

Travis: *defeatedly* Pack a - puh…

Travis’ previously smug and victorious face turns to mortified embarrassment as the bar TV shows him being insulted by Angel Dust. The bartender chuckles as the rest of the demonic crowd jeers. “Can’t take an insult, hm?”

“Shut the f*ck up!” Travis snaps, flapping his feathered arm-wings in indignation. “It’s not my fault the slu*t was mouthy!”

Back on Earth, a prostitute chuckles, sipping from a soda as she looks at the dingy TV in the motel. The residents, a whole gamut of odd people, from broke families to shady dealers, sprawled over the lobby to watch Hell. “Hm. Wish I could do that to ma’ clients- too bad boss would tan my hide.”

The owner of the run-down Vegas hotel, a rickety old lady, sniffed in agreement. “You could say that again. I remember walkin’ the streets back in ‘72, and almost every alleyway had a hooker n’ her pimp. Nows-a-days, all the prudes closed ‘em down.”

Her colleague, a busty redhead, snorted. “Well, it's good to know we ain’t going out of business if we ever kick the bucket.”

[As Travis angrily drives off, Angel looks behind him to see a vending machine for his namesake drugs. He goes for the angel dust and just as he gets a hold of it, a random demon runs by and steals his drugs.]

Feathered Demon: Yoink!

Angel Dust: *annoyed* Hey!

Feathered Demon: Up yours, drag show!

A few addicts in a club openly gaped at the vending machine dispensing drugs as they watched the transmission. “Holy sh*t, they got vending machines FULL of nose candy! You sure this ain’t heaven?”

“They even got different brands?!” The undercover cop raised an eyebrow, and the guy next to him decided wisely to not offer some of his own products to the partygoers.

A little boy in a crowd tilts his head curiously. “Mommy, is that candy?” His mother sputtered, not knowing what to say. “Um…”

His father knelt down, ruffling the boy’s hair. “Well you see, little Timmy, that right there is a drug, and drugs are bad. They’re only for when you’re sick, or when you need to ignore your wife’s nagging, okay?”

“That’s right, sweetie! And you should never- wait a minute.”

[A boulder proceeds to fall out of the sky, crushing the feathered demon alongside Angel's drugs. Angel gasps.]

Angel Dust: Oh my GOD! *leans in to pick up what's left of his pack of drugs with a devastated look on his face* MY DRUGS! Damn it!

[A war ship can be seen passing by, destroying its surroundings.]

Back in the Happy Hotel, Vaggie raises an eyebrow at Angel Dust. “So you didn’t take any drugs that day?”

The spider demon scoffed, and leaned back on the hotel sofa. “Naaah! And that’s a real f*ckin’ shame- I really needed something to take the edge off after that f*cker tossed me around.”

Charlie signed, and ran a hand down her face. “Angel, you need to start coping with things properly instead of resorting to drugs! That isn’t healthy!”

Somewhere in a military base in America, a general looked at the warship in intrigue. “So they’ve got technology… and good technology, from the looks of it. Get me some pictures of the aircraft, pronto.”

[The camera zooms in on the war ship, revealing Sir Pentious and his henchmen inside.]

Sir Pentious: Ahahahahahahahahahahah! Those other cowardly ssssinners dare not hinder my territorial take over! A wise decision! The power of my machines are unmatched! *proceeds to push two levers as his hood flares open* No other demon can compare to the likesss of I!

Egg Boi #23: Gee! That was pretty swell, boss!

Egg Boi #666: Yeah!

The crowd of humans gathered around a TV store had a deadpan look on their face, some even scrunching it up at Sir Pentious’ corniness. “I thought Hell was for seriously f*cked up guys, not… Sunday morning supervillains.”

An engineer in the crowd signed, wincing. “At least he wasn’t lying- the airship looks more like a miniature mansion, and the tech needed to keep it airborne and firing would have to be more advanced than what we have now.”

A person next to him hums. “And the demon looks like an Equatorial Spitting Cobra, albeit one with more demonic features.”

“Huh… What about those Eggs? They have numbers on their backs… maybe a miniature clone army?”

Nifty perks up as she sees the scene change. “Oh! That meanie! You fought him before he busted into the Hotel?”

Angel Dust let out an amused huff. “That poser ain’t too big of a threat without his machines.”

Other Egg Boi: You really showed them what for! I liked when you shot them with your ray gun! *gets slapped away by Sir Pentious*

Egg Boi #23: I wish he'd shoot me with his ray gun! *Other Egg Boi pats him*

Deep in mom’s basem*nt, a weeb sighed. “I get you dude, I get you.” He sometimes wishes his favorite VTuber would shoot him with her gun, too.

Sir Pentious, who was watching the broadcast from his own private base, spat out his tea in indignation. “EGG BOI #23!” The specific Egg Boi in question was busy cowering and trying not to be found.

Sir Pentious: At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of The Pentagram by day's end! *pushes a few buttons* And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering will be able to take back this empire from my constrictive grasp!

[An Egg Boi suddenly pops on screen and pops open a bottle of whiskey onto Sir Pentious' face. Sir Pentious proceeds to swat said Egg Boi aside.]

Random Egg Boi: Oh, boy!

The professors in the college classroom quickly scribble down notes. “West side of the Pentagram… So it seems like the projection in the sky is an actual part of the environment, and relevant in some way to the demons and sinners down there…

An exhausted TA sat on the side of the room, mumbling. “What I would give for a bottle of whiskey like that…”

Sir Pentious: Hell will be mine! And everybody will know the name of Sir Pen-

Cherri Bomb: EDGELORD!

Sir Pentious: *offended* Pardon?! *looks around angrily and eyes the two Egg Bois behind him* Who said that?! What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?! Speak up!

The Two Egg Bois: *petrified* That wasn't us, Mr. Bossman.

[A small bomb with a print of a skull on it breaks through Sir Pentious’ ship. It then lands right between Sir Pentious and the two Egg Bois. The bomb proceeds to blow up, leaving red smoke behind and making him cough and hack.]

Cherry Bomb grins, knowing exactly when she was about to show up. She tosses a bomb up and down in her hands, playing with it. “And lookie here… I get the spotlight!” She cackles, knowing how badly she beat up Sir Pentious that day.

[As the smoke clears up, the owner of the scream is revealed to be Cherri Bomb as she prepares another bomb in hand.]

Cherri Bomb: You lookin' for a fight, old man?! *begins to juggle around her cherry bomb* Why don't you get that tinker toy bullsh*t off my turf before I *proceeds to throw and catch the bomb* smash it?!

[A large pipe falls on top of an already dead Egg Boi, crushing him as Sir Pentious and Cherri momentarily look at the carnage.]

Cherri Bomb: *grins sad*stically* ....More!

A rowdy human crowd in an Earth bar whoops at the appearance of the new sinner. “Go get him, bitch! Whooo!”

A guy wolf whistles, leaning back on his bar seat. “Sheesh, is it wrong to say that I wanna tap that?” His buddy shrugs. “Eh, I can see the appeal. But she looks madder than a hatter, and I ain’t sticking my dick in crazy.”

“Reminds me of Harley Quinn, but as a cyclops.” A lady sips her drink as she looks at the TV.

Angel Dust perches on the couch, pumping his four fists into the air. “You go, girl! f*ck him UP, Cherri!” Charlie frowns a bit at the violence, but is happy that Angel is supportive of his friend.

Sir Pentious: Oh! *hood flares open* You wanna go, missy?! Well, I'm happy to oblige! Ahahah!

[Sir Pentious is then backed up by his henchmen of Egg Bois.]

[The logo for 666 News is shown on a black background, which is followed by the day's newscast.]

Katie Killjoy: Good afternoon, I'm Katie Killjoy.

Tom Trench: And I'm Tom Trench! Chaos out at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side!

The crowd shuffles closer, intrigued at seeing what Hell’s news reports would look like. To the human’s surprise, it looks like your typical late-night news, albeit with terrifying demonic anchors.

An old guy gasps at the name. “Katie Killjoy? As in that bitch, Katie “Killjoy” Shermans?”

A young teen turns to him, baffled. “Wait, you’re tellin’ me this bitch was human?! I thought they were all from Hell!”

“No- I clearly remember her! You probably weren’t old enough to remember, but she was one of the biggest reporters of the 80’s!” The old man pulled out a phone, and began typing her name in it. “Katie Shermans… here! Right there- says she was fired for some controversy, mainly over sleepin’ with the news crew and being an overall bitch behind camera. Hung herself in 1992, and it was all over the morning paper that day in New York.”

Far away in Hell, Katie’s mouth twitched into a frown. Tom Trench visibly withered, knowing that she was in an especially bitchy mood today.

“Feels like somebody is talking sh*t about me…”

[An image of Sir Pentious trying to be hip, followed by a drawing of Cherri flipping the bird is shown.]

Tom Trench: Between notable kingpin, Sir Pentious, and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse, Cherri Bomb!

Katie Killjoy: That's right, Tom! After the recent extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!

The professor hummed, eyes fixed onto the captions translating the English speech into Russian for him and his colleagues in Moscow state university. “So they have turf wars for territory. Fascinating… it mimics the dynamics of mafia wars in modern history, but mixed with a more anarchistic society instead of our highly regulated one…”

Some of the more younger college students winced at Sir Pentious’, knowing very well how cringe it was for an older generation to try and be “hip”.

Back in America, some scientists and historians were hanging out in a cafe, frantically writing notes and chatting about the broadcast. “So the way it seems to be is that there’s a yearly ‘extermination’ that happens down in hell, perhaps to prevent riots and keep control over the demon and sinner population.”

Another scientist scratches his head with his pen. “But why do they keep killing each other after the extermination? Sure, there’s lots of territory left, but wouldn't that mean the first suckers to come there’ll die?”

“Beats me.” The historian shrugs. “People are unreasonable. If those are really just normal humans transformed into demons, then I’m not surprised.”

[A live clip of Cherri and Sir Pentious's clash is shown.]

Tom Trench: Those two seem to be really going at it, huh?

Katie Killjoy: Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail *as she fishes out a tooth and a nail respectively from her mug of coffee* for that hot spot! *proceeds to swallow said tooth and nail*

A lot of humans gagged as the sharp news anchor swallowed them, turning away from the screen. “Holy f*ck, is everyone crazy there?!”

Alastor, watching the broadcast in the Happy Hotel, scrunches his nose up and keeps his grin. “Not the best parts to eat, dear. Too much crunch, and not enough flavor.” The cannibal wipes his mouth with a handkerchief.

Tom Trench: And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot! *wiggles eyebrows* Hoohoo!

Katie Killjoy: Haha, you are a limp-dick jackass Tom! Or should I say - *pours scalding hot coffee onto his crotch* no dick?

Tom Trench: *curls over in pain* Ugh...not again!

On Earth, the men in the bar winced at the sight of boiling coffee being poured on the gas-masked demon’s crotch. “Sssshhhit, don’t give my wife that idea.” A guy groaned out. “She’s already bad enough on her own.

Tom Trench flushed red at the transmission, looking away. Katie Killjoy gave him a sharp look. “Oh, don’t be such a f*cking puss*. I can do much worse.”

The camera crew meandering around 666 News shuddered, all too familiar with the receiving end of the mantis demon’s rage.

(Screen shows a picture of Charlie as Tom can still be heard whimpering in pain in the background.)

Katie Killjoy: Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell's own head honcho who's here to discuss her brand new passion project! All that and more, after the break! *crushes her mug in her hand and turns to Trench who's still in pain* Suck it up, you little bi-!

(The news cast cuts off and goes on a commercial break.)

A priest gapes as he watches the TV from his quarters, his fellow clergymen also in shock. “Daughter of Hell’s… that woman from the beginning, she’s Lucifer’s daughter?!”

Father Smith has a confused look on his face. “Huh… she looks much more human than the others, despite not being human at all.”

“This is monumental… the fallen angel himself, having a daughter? This was never in the scriptures…” A preacher snorted from the side of the room. “None of what is being shown is in the scriptures, Father Smith. I suppose we’ve all been wrong, as to what hell really is.”

Charlie winces, knowing the embarrassing newscast that’s about to happen next. “Ah… this won’t be good.”

Chapter 4: Hazbin Hotel Pilot (Part 3)

Chapter Text

The scene starts with Vaggie fixing Charlie’s bow and reassuring her. Charlie wants to sing a song, eager to express her goals. Vaggie tells Charlie not to sing, but Charlie says she expresses herself best through singing. Her goat assistants, Razzle and Dazzle, munch on some donuts to the side.

Some of the human audience perks up again, recognizing the familiar face and voice. “Hey, it’s that demon girl from the beginning! And didn’t that news demon lady say she was the head honcho’s daughter?”

Bell, a teacher for a Christian school, crossed her legs as she sat on the folding chair. She was one of the many people camping out in front of public TV sets, eager to see what hell was really like. So far, she wasn’t expecting to be so… chaotic.

“Huh. I thought there’d be more order and torture, not your typical bad-neighborhood things.” The normally calm woman folded her hands. “This isn’t as bad as I was taught… still bad, mind you.”

One of her students questioned her. “Hey, by head honcho, does it mean Satan or Lucifer? Because some people say they’re the same while others don’t.”

Bell shrugged. “I’m not sure, sweetie. This is new to me too.”

Meanwhile, two girlfriends were sitting in a cafe, watching the broadcast together. The shorter one giggled, and sipped her hot coffee. “Oh, it's not that bad down there. They have donuts!” Her lover, a tired-looking nurse, gave a soft smile. “Babe, don’t joke about that. Besides, I’m sure a darling like you’ll go to heaven.”

“Reminds you of us when we were in high school, hm?” The smaller woman sighed. “I was so nervous on the school TV… you did the exact same thing.

Meanwhile, in the Happy Hotel, Charlie gave a sqee of delight, cheering up as she saw Vaggie on the screen. “Look! It’s you, Vaggie!”

The moth woman could only smile as she saw her peppy girlfriend cheer up, and she placed a small peck on Charlie’s cheek. “And you look great too, mi corazón. Don’t worry about the broadcast.”

Charlie says that the highlighted parts of her script are the most important, and Vaggie comments that it’s all highlighted. Charlie gushes about the “happy ending”, where everybody is smiling and happy in Heaven.

Father Smith couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at Charlie’s enthusiasm, being reminded of his own nieces. “Ah, to be young again. I’m honestly surprised that the spawn of the Devil herself could be so… upbeat and innocent.”

The pastor next to him snorts. “Tell me about it. She’s more enthusiastic than anybody in Idaho.” Smith frowns a bit at the comment. “Marty, our home state isn’t so bad! Just a bit rural…”

“Smith, we literally run a church in the biggest city in Idaho, and only thirty people come by a week. We booked a flight to Jamie’s church in Australia because we wanted a break.”

Father Smith visible deflates. “You’re right about that…”

Most other people on earth are surprised about Charlie’s innocent joy, some even doubting that she’s a demon because of how cheerful she is. The demons down in hell, however, have a different reaction - they’re snickering and mocking her. Some are less derisive, being much more lenient despite being in hell.

Vaggie reminds her girlfriend that it was serious, and Charlie says that she’ll use her improv skills if that’s the case. She tries to introduce herself to Katie Killjoy with a handshake, but the news anchor simply smokes her cigarette.

Katie Killjoy: “I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie. And you can put that away. I don't touch the gays. I have standards!”

The old guy from before narrows his eyes in annoyance. “Ah, there’s the Katie I knew.” He spat on the sidewalk as the crowd around him seemed similarly annoyed by Killjoy’s bitchy attitude. “No wonder she ended up there.”

One of the people in the crowd, a conservative Christian, opened his mouth, but stopped to reconsider his hom*ophobic remark. sh*t… I’m agreeing with a DEMON? Am… am I doing something wrong here?

The teen raises an eyebrow at Katie’s attitude. “Oh, wow. She’s a total Karen.”

Katie Killjoy leaned forward in her own office chair, livestreaming the broadcast with her co-anchor Tom. She preened, pleased with the broadcast’s attention on her. “Well, at least someone knows how to promote the right people, am I right?” Katie was completely oblivious to the fact that she wasn't being portrayed in a good light.

Tom raised a finger but paused, deciding that he valued his life more than correcting his coworker. “Yeah, alright.”

Angel Dust scoffs as he leans on the couch, chuckling. “Well, she isn’t getting anywhere with that. A good chunk’a Hell’s into deviant sh*t.”

Charlie huffs, and holds Vaggie’s hand. “Honestly, it makes no sense- I don’t know why humans are so uptight about their relationships! A good majority of hell’s native population is bisexual, and another good chunk fall into what you call ‘LGBTQ’!”

Angel blinks, surprised. “Wait, really?”

The princess of hell continues on. “Well, yeah! Most of the talk about ‘hom*osexuality being a sin’ is more of a human construct - you get sent down here for other reasons, not that. And hellborn society is actually more progressive than human society when it comes to gender and sexuality.”

Katie Killjoy bluntly and rudely remarks that Charlie wasn’t here because they wanted her- it was because Jeffery Dahmer couldn’t make it for his “cannibal cooking segment”. Behind Katie is a billboard of the cooking show, named “It’s Dahm Good!”

A forensics major practically falls off his seat in surprise, his classmates in a similar state of shock. “That f*cker’s still ALIVE down there?!” He gags in both disgust and hatred.

“Okay, new plan- if any of us manage to die and go down to hell, we’re finding a weapon and bashing his head in.” Bailey, the aforementioned forensics major, didn’t like the violence but could agree with the plan.

In another classroom nearby, a history student paled. sh*t- if he’s there, who’s to say Hitler or someone like that isn’t there too?” The person next to him shuddered.

“God, I hope not - remember what that news demon said about the ‘extermination’? There’s no way they’d let a monster like him roam free.” The history student sighed in relief. “Right, right- god, that was terrifying. I’m f*cking Jewish, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell when I die - don’t want to see actual Hitler there. “

Alastor barks out a laugh at the billboard, picking at his teeth with a toothpick. “Ah, yes! Quite the good cook, that Dahmer lad - a shame he was less than… clean, with his kills.” Alastor’s grin seemed more like a disgusted grimace. “I dislike him on principle, but not his food.”

Husk gives Alastor a side-eye at the comment.

Katie boasts about her influence, and Tom Trench can be seen in the background shaking his head in disapproval at Charlie.

Once the News Staff announces that they’re live, Killjoy immediately switches up her demeanor to the chipper broadcaster persona she has, rushing so fast to her desk that her neck cracks in a sickening way.

The human crowd jumps a bit at the cracking of her neck, but they quickly recover. After all, they’d just seen Katie eat literal teeth and gore spread on the streets of hell.

The old man pondered, rubbing his chin. “Ah, guess that’s how she went out. Killjoy did snap her neck on that lousy noose of hers…”

Another woman sighs, recalling her own boss. “Oh, I know a few people like that… absolute assholes behind the scenes, but sweet as sugar once you get 'em on camera.” She sneers.

Katie Killjoy: Welcome back! So, Charlotte!

Charlie: It's... Charlie.

Katie Killjoy: Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about!

Charlie seems nervous, but Vaggie motions for her to continue.

Charlie: Well, as most of you know, I was born here in Hell and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me.

A scientist hums, sipping a cup of water as he focuses on the TV in the bar. He didn’t want to get drunk, not when there was the discovery of a lifetime literally benign broadcast all around the world. “It was already implied before, but now it’s clear that she’s definitely not human. And if that’s the case, why does she look so human compared to the other ‘sinners’ sent down there?”

His biologist colleague, on the other hand, had already given up halfway and was drinking the strongest wine the bar had. “W-who the f*ck cares - blech. About ev-vvery f*ckin’ thing there is impossible. F-f*ckin…” She passes out.

The guy winces. “Thank god I’m not a biologist. This is hell enough already, trying to understand this…” He looks at the small crowd of sinners and demons shown in the broadcast.

A lady in the crowd gasps. “Born in hell? Poor thing… she seems so sweet. Heaven would be much better for her…”

Her friend beside her scoffed, leaning on a wall as she watched the TV. “Please- you heard what the Cameron f*cker said. Heaven’s just as corrupt - probably not as visibly as hell, but yeah.”

She sighs. “Besides, I doubt the daughter of Hell’s ‘head honcho’, whether it be Lucifer or some other demon king, would be welcome up there. No matter how kind she is…”

Meanwhile, some of the sinners on screen next to Vaggie whooped and hollered. “Holy f*ck, we’re on TV!” The large, many-eyed teal dragon let out a barking laugh. “Man, they’re gonna see us back on Earth, right? sh*t, we’ll actually be known!”

“Man, I wonder what my wife thinks of me… I wonder if she even remembers my broke ass…”

“Who cares, f*cker!” The short doll demon next to him slaps his back. “If anything, they’ll figure out!”

Charlie begins to talk about how she sees hell as her home, and the sinners as her people. She laments about how so many souls were killed in the extermination, and Katie Killjoy is seen losing interest and dozing off.

Killjoy smiles in sad*stic glee as she sees herself stabbing the slug, but quickly changes her mind when she sees herself drool unflatteringly while dozing off at Charlie’s speech. “Tch! Did that rat bastard really-?!”

Tom looks to the side, whistling. He wisely stepped back from the raging mantis demon, and made himself part of the background.

One of the succubi watching in hell hummed. “She has a point, you know.” The sinner next to her, a skeletal goat, bleated in confused laughter. “What, really? You agree with this dumbf*ck?”

The succubus puffed her wings out. “Well, yes. Examinations are messy, and us hellborn really don’t like getting caught up in your clusterf*ck, human.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, slu*t?” Somehow, the skeleton managed to furrow his brow, despite having no skin.

“It means you f*ckers have to quit getting your yearly exterminations on our turf! We were here in Hell first, you immortal f*cks are the reason why we avoid the Pride ring like the plague!”

Back on Earth, one of the people in the bar hummed. “Damn, she actually seems to care for ‘em? I thought we were gonna be, like, absolutely irredeemable in her eyes. Like,” The man waved his beer bottle. “You’ve got the worst of the worst down there. It’s shocking she even sees the good in us, at all.”

Charlie: “I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?”

Charlie: “Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through... redemption? Well, I think yes! So, that's what this project aims to achieve! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!”

That particular line caught the attention of one particular sinner. Mrs. Mayberry blinks, the schoolteacher looking up from her grading and raises her eyebrow.

“Re…habilitation? In this literal hellhole?” The violet-skinned demon seemed thoughtful. Even in hell, she managed to land a job teaching children, most of her students being lower-income imps and hellhounds. To be honest, it felt like her earlier days of teaching, when she was just a substitute.

Mayberry hummed, and set her pen down, watching the broadcast on the boxy CRT TV. Maybe this'll be worth a shot… I was a decent person before going down here, after all.

Pastor Marty was similarly shocked, tugging at Father Smith’s sleeve. “Redemption? Honestly, that young lady keeps on surprising me…” He chuckles. “Who would have thought, the antichrist herself working towards the redemption of others?”

Smith fiddles with his clerical collar, deep in thought. “The fact that Heaven didn’t consider this, and decided to opt for systematic purging for population control… the implications are unpleasant.” The priest made a face. “I… my faith has already been in question, but this shakes it even more…”

A human crowd meandering around a collection of flatscreen TVs murmured. Someone spoke up, clearly agreeing with the idea. “Y-yeah! Isn’t it kind of messed up, that the angels kill them instead of doing that?”

“These are the worst of the worst! Don’t they deserve a permanent death?” A rather strict Mormon said. “Hitler, Stalin, all the worst people in history…”

The man next to him furrowed his eyes. “Yes, but what about other people? Is it not… unfair, that a person who cheats on their wife ends up in the same place as someone who commits murder?”

She pursed her lips in a straight line. “... Fair enough. And that point does make heaven seem more flawed than we were first expecting.”

“Indeed. And the fact that the angels kill indiscriminately… those who commit lighter sins might be killed, while the true monsters walk away.”

“That’s f*cking sick! And not in a good way!”

Her broadcast is being shown throughout hell, more specifically on the TV screens. Sinners laugh derisively, asking if she was really serious. Charlie begins to lose her confidence.

The humans in the bar hoot and holler at seeing Klub Kaiju. It was quite odd, seeing that demons were watching TVs in a bar just like them; it made the sinners really feel like they were human once again.

“Damn! Look at that lighting! I’d go to that joint, if I were in hell!” The clubber takes another swig of his drink. The people around chime in agreement, admiring the establishment. Someone else huffs. “I liked the place with the pool table better…”

The large lizard demon that laughed at Charlie gave a snicker at seeing himself on the screen. The raptor next to him paled, her scales turning a lighter pink. “f*ck! Do you know what that means for you, dumbass?!”

His laughter trailed off. “What do you mean, bitch?”

“You just… f*cking… insulted Lucifer’s daughter! And he’s definitely watching the damn broadcast now!”

The sinners in Klub Kaiju watching suddenly paused, and went horrifyingly quiet at the realization. “Oh f*ck. Oh f*cking god, we’re so screwed-!”

While Charlie continues to nervously pitch her redemption project, a mysterious figure can be seen watching her broadcast in the crowd standing in front of The Radio Shack.

The cameraman recording the broadcast snickers, calling Charlie a “stupid bitch”. Vaggie punches him and knocks him over.

Alastor’s grin widened as he saw himself on screen, and adjusted his bowtie. Charlie gave him an uneasy look, nervous at how the broadcast would portray him.

Somewhere else in hell, the demons in front of Alastor in the broadcast shivered, realizing how close they were to the overlord. “sh*t, we were that close to dying…” Oddly enough, the Jester demon next to Alastor grinned wider - but was still terrified.

The cameraman of Channel 666 visibly sweats, knowing that this wouldn’t bode well for his job at all. Calling the princess of hell a stupid bitch might fly past her face, sure, but definitely not her father’s.

In a coffeehouse in New Orleans, an old woman felt a shiver run down her spine at the sight of the radio demon. “That demon… he seems so familiar…”

The woman gently stroked her back to soothe her grandmother, hushing. “Well, whoever it may be… he cannot get to us, if this broadcast is to be trusted. You are safe.”

Other people in Louisiana felt a similar unease seeing the deer-like overlord. One police chief in particular saw one of his old dogs growl at the television, and he narrowed his eyes. “Strange. Ripper never acts like this…” The policeman pulls out a window in his computer, and starts searching the criminal database in Louisiana.

Charlie looks sad, and reaffirms that every sinner had something good, deep down inside them. She decides to express her idea through song, and her assistants Razzle and Dazzle perk up. Vaggie facepalms, knowing that it was going to be a bad idea.

Charlie snaps her fingers, setting up a spotlight. Razzle and Dazzle start playing the piano. At The Radio Shack, Alastor tilts his head, interested to see where this will go.

The people on Earth gape, not expecting the sudden change to a musical. “Wait, what? Really?” One guy scratches his head. “I was joking about the thing being a musical- Why the f*ck is there musical sh*t in hell?”

His girlfriend shrugs, and pulls out a phone to record. “Beats me. But I wanna see how she sings.”

Someone next to her raises an eyebrow. The woman blinks. “What? I work for a record company. Of course I’m gonna be curious. Besides,” She gestures to the TV screen. “It’s the literal princess of hell.

A little girl sitting on a couch at home squeals as she sees Razzle and Dazzle. Her mom smiles, making sure to cover her daughter’s eyes and ears whenever something inappropriate comes up.

“Awww, I want them! They’re so cute and cuddly!” She pouts. Her mother tuts, and pats the girl’s hair. “Sweetie, they’re not pets. They’re probably hired butlers for the princess…”

“Then I wanna be a princess!” The little girl squeaks. “I wanna be just like her when I grow up!”

The woman’s husband raises an eyebrow at his daughter wanting to be like the princess of hell, who’s a literal demon. The mother chides him. “Well, she could have worse role models. Miss Charlie over there at least seems like a fine young woman.”

Charlie begins singing Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow, and both Katie and Tom seem too confused to react. The Princess of Hell has a more innocent, upbeat attitude - the complete opposite of every other demon and sinner in hell.

Charlie gives a small grin at her own performance, remembering how good it felt to perform. Well, not how the sinners mocked her after that, but it was nice getting the change to sing. Vaggie closes her eye contently, huddling closer to Charlie and enjoying her singing from the TV.

“You’ve got the voice of an angel, Charlie.” Vaggie smiles. Charlie giggles at the compliment. “Awww, thank you! And, well…” Her giggles increase. “You’re technically right. You do remember who my dad is, right?”

Angel Dust lets out a wheeze as Vaggie blushes, clearly embarrassed. “Ah- I hope that wasn’t insulting or something, I’m so sorry-”

“No, it’s fine! And it’s nice hearing your voice too, Vaggie!”

The little girl watching Charlie is clearly starstruck, watching her sing and dance. “Woah… she really is a princess! Like Snow White!”

Her father chuckles, similarly amused. “I guess you’re right, sweetpea. She kind of is like a Disney princess, with all that singing…”

Charlie sings about the Happy Hotel, and how it’s meant to rehabilitate sinners to go to heaven. Vaggie’s disappointed that her girlfriend didn’t follow through with her promise of ‘no singing’.

The scientist from the bar is frantically taking pictures with his phone, trying to keep a record of every sinner that’s shown. His hand is a blur on the laptop on his right, noting all of the different appearances and taxonomy of who’s shown. He’s visibly sweating at the pace.

His colleague is still passed out and drunk. If she were still awake, she’d have an aneurysm with the impossible biology shown in the crowd of sinners.

A telemarketer leans forward in the crowd. “Huh. Not a bad business pitch… I should put musical numbers down as a possible marketing method…”

Charlie continues to dance and sing as she tries to help sinners, revealing the diverse cast of people who’ve turned into demons in hells. The pace of the song is ridiculously fast. When she says “hell”, a plume of fire shoots up behind her and her true form flashes by quickly, her horns elongating and her eyes going red.

The woman recording on her phone whistles, impressed at how quickly Charlie is singing as the song’s pace picks up. “Sheesh, she’s got a nice pair of lungs. I’d run out of breath if I tried that.” Her boyfriend nods, sipping his drink as they enjoy the song with the crowd.

“And the fact that it’s still clear what she’s saying… damn.” Someone whistles, similarly blown away.

The guy elbows his friend next to him. “You think Eminem could do the same?”

“Eh, probably. But it’s more fun to see a demon princess do it.”

“Fair enough.”

The scientist in the bar freezes when the sheer menagerie of sinners shows up in the song, passing by too quickly for him to document. At this point, he throws up his hands in defeat, grabs a bottle of beer, and takes a swig.

“f*ck it. I’m done with this- I’ll do this once I have a full recording.”

The guy next to him shrugs, and continues talking to his bar buddy. “Guess they really do have supervillains down there- kinda weird, huh?”

The other guy sips his wine. “Well, not really… you saw how freaky some other demons looked. If someone can turn into a f*ckin… slime monster or something when they die, a supervillain ain’t that surprising.”

Father Smith jumps back a bit as Charlie’s demonic form flashes for a bit, and he sighs. “Ah… right. I almost forgot she was the princess of hell for a bit…”

The pastor next to him nodded, and all the other clergymen made sounds of agreement. “Charlie was mentioned to be Lucifer's daughter… it would be odd if she didn’t inherit her father’s power.”

One nun pondered. “If Lucifer Morningstar was her father… who was the mother?” The other priests, nuns and pastors deliberated amongst themselves, similarly curious.

Razzle aggressively plays the piano while Charlie slows down her singing, gushing about puppies, cotton-candy dreams and clouds. She’s holding a puppy hellhound at one point, cuddling it before setting it to the side.

The human crowd is similarly invested, cheering Charlie on as she performs her musical number. Someone coos at the small hellhound puppy in her arms. “Awww! So cute!”

Angel Dust raises an eyebrow. “How’d ya manage to do all that sunny sh*t? Like, the blue sky, clouds, rainbow…” He makes a motion with his four hands.

Charlie perks up. “Oh! Just some simple illusions - I wouldn’t be a Morningstar if I wasn’t somewhat good at illusions!” She grins, her teeth sharp. Angel Dust was suddenly reminded of why exactly Charlie was the princess of hell.

“Well, those ain’t too bad, toots.” He stretches back out on the couch, watching the broadcast.

Vaggie facepalms again, and the tempo picks up again as Charlie continues to show off some more sinners, trying to help a few.

Someone cackles, seeing the vegan demon rage in the background of hell. “Hehehe- looks like those f*ckers really do get a one-way trip to hell! Oh man, I was so fed up with their rants…”

The woman next to him hisses. “Easy for you to say, sh*tass! I know you have your own stash of hentai and figurines in that gross closet of yours- we’re both going to hell!”

The neckbeard deflates. “f*ck. Yeah, you’re right.” He then perks right up. “But at least I’m not a bitch.”

“Oh, go suck a dick!”

An Italian guy watching the broadcast with his buddies winced as Charlie said ‘ancient Roman crucifixions”. “Damn, they’re still alive? Thought the exterminators would weed out the older people in there…”

His couchmate scoffed. “When has any bureaucracy done anything correctly?” The guy considers this. “Eh, right.”

Charlie: ♫ You'll be complete! It'll be so neat! Our service can't be beat! You'll be on easy street, yes! Life will be sweet at The Happy Hoteeel! Yeah! ♫

Charlie ends her song with a grand finale, twirling around in her true form and standing on Katie Killjoy’s desk. Both Katie and Tom are leaning back in disbelief.

Alastor politely claps at Charlie’s finale in the broadcast, and the other inhabitants in the Happy Hotel join in. Charlie looks like she’s about to tear up. “You guys…” She folds her hands together. “Thank you so much…”

Angel Dust scoffs, looking to the side in a tsundere-like fashion. “No biggie- it's just that you tried ya best.”

Niffty claps in a quick way, her toothy grin growing wide. “Oh, wow! You’re really good at singing! I’d give anything for a voice like that!”

Charlie chuckles at the praise, feeling better already.

Similarly, the humans whoop and holler in joy as they see the finale, with multiple places breaking out into applause. A few choir kids in a high school even start a huge commotion, throwing confetti and clapping like maniacs.

“Now that’s what I call a performance!” The choir club president pumps his fist in the air. “We’ve got a fellow singer!”

“Man, that’s an amazing song… and she did this all on improv?” The girl whistles, absolutely flabbergasted. “I’d kill for that skill…”

[Charlie ends the song, rather exhausted as everyone in the news station looks at her with disgust and disbelief.]

Top Hat Demon: Wow! ...That was sh*t!

[Everyone in the audience including Killjoy and Trench begin to laugh at Charlie. Charlie looks crushed and devastated and slumps back down to her seat. There was a boo section in the news and the demons look uninterested]

Blue Flame Demon: *deadpan* Booooo!

The demonic audience is completely silent until a top hat demon calls her song sh*t. The audience bursts out in mocking laughter, and Charlie looks crushed at the reaction. A blue flame demon from the disinterested-looking “boo section” boos her.

Charlie visibly wilts when this happens, her good mood dampened at her mockery being broadcast. She curls up on the couch, looking away from the screen. Angel Dust pauses, and pats her on the back.

Vaggie narrows her eyes in anger, and punches the bar countertop. “f*cking… If I get my hand on that Cameron pendejo, I’ll rip his stupid face off! Who the f*ck does this, airing out all this dirty laundry!”

Alastor is grinning at the chaos, but he feels a twinge of annoyance at the booing crowd. He did appreciate a good song, after all- and the sinners clearly had no taste for the arts, no matter how childishly naive he thought Charlie’s ideas were.

Katie Killjoy lets out some derisive laughter, her voice hissing like a particularly vicious bug. Tom Trench cringes back, realizing something that a lot of other panicked demons realized.

“Katie. Katie!” He shakes her, and she snaps her neck around, annoyed that her sad*stic amusem*nt was interrupted. “What?!”

“Katie- she’s f*cking Lucifer’s kid! He’s gonna see you on screen, pulling that sh*t!”

Katie’s smile freezes in place, and for the first time in forever, she sweats, completely nervous.

Lucifer was in his own palace, his gloved hand gripping his cane a bit too tightly. His smile was more like a sneer. The demonic servants next to him eyed him nervously, and inched away from the clearly enraged king of hell.

“Ah, Lilith, dear? Please be a dear and close the blinds.” Lucifer Morningstar narrowed his eyes, making sure to memorize all of the faces laughing at and mocking his daughter on screen. “I’m going to have a lot of… talks, with a lot of individuals soon.”

Katie mockingly questions her, asking who in the Nine Circles of hell would want to become a better person. Charlie retorts that they already had a patron already: Angel Dust.

Angel Dust winces, and slinks back down on the couch. “... Sorry about that, Charlie.”

Charlie waved him off with a sigh, looking away from the screen again. “It’s- it’s okay, Angel. You really did want to help Cherri, and… yeah.”

A former junkie at a party raises his eyebrow at the name. “Angel Dust? Like, cocaine?” He snickers. “One hell of a moniker, buddy.”

The woman next to him snorts. “Of course you’d know that, crackhead.” She slaps him over the head. “Get it together- you’ve been clean for two months now. Don’t break that streak.”

The guy sighs, and sips his punch. “You’re no fun…”

The academics in college scrambled as they heard Katie say “Nine Circles”. One literary student gripped his hair, groaning. “Don’t tell me that f*cker Dante actually got it right…”

“I can’t believe a 14th-century self-insert bible fanfiction was right about hell being divided into circles…”

His classmate sighed, writing some more notes down. “f*cking hell… quite literally. This is going to be massive for the religious studies majors…”

Tom Trench questions if she was talking about the p*rn star, and Katie Killjoy looks at him in frustration. Tom looks to the side innocently, and Katie comments that Angel Dust would do anything with enough “booger sugar and lube”. Charlie retorts in annoyance, saying that he’s been well-behaved for two weeks now.

Tom Trench freezes at the brief spotlight on him, and his coworkers eye him in amusem*nt. Katie scoffs, disgusted. “f*cking pervert.” She sneers.

Angel Dust looks slightly offended at Katie Killjoy’s remark. “Hey, I have standards, bitch!” He flips the screen off with all four of his hands. “I ain’t banging a saggy whor* like you!”

Alasor makes a face of disgust, his smile twitching. “Do you have to be that descriptive, my good sir?” He brushes his suit off a bit out of habit.

Charlie gives an awkward grin. “Well, at least you did your best, Angel!” Angel Dust looks to the side, his face becoming slightly dour. “Yeah…” It wasn’t like he was able to go clean, with Valentino breathing down his neck at every chance.

Just then, the offscreen news staff announces that there’s been breaking news, and Katie Killjoy shoves Charlie off her desk. The live feed of the turf war turns on.

The live feed shows Angel Dust stepping on an Egg Boi and throwing a grenade over at Sir Pentious with visible laughter in the background as Charlie stares at the screen in defeat. Charlie lets out a defeated “oh sh*t”.

The humans were sympathetic with Charlie’s bad situation, but are slightly amused at the sheer coincidence of the timing. “Man, I’d feel like sh*t if that was me…”

Chad looked at his own drink, sighing. “Well, I think her idea had a lot of merit. She could still do it, you know!” The frat bros around him nodded, agreeing with him. “Bro… why don’t we, like, start a cult or something to support her?”

The woman next to him blinks in confusion. “Huh? Wha- why was that your first solution?”

“Well, it’s not gonna be like human sacrifice or sh*t, nah. None of that gross, evil stuff.” Johnny waves his hand and gestures. “Like… we call it a cult, but it’s more like a themed fanclub.”

“Oh. Well, that works.”

Katie Killjoy and Tom Trench mock Charlie more for the coincidence, celebrating their ratings going up. Charlie tries to block the live feed in a panic, but the video itself is overlaid over her face.

Charlie shrinks back some more, embarrassed at how she looked on screen. Vaggie lets out a growl at the way her girlfriend was shown on the broadcast.

Husker at least seems a little sorry, sliding over a glass of water for Charlie. “Ya couldn't‘ve predicted that, Charlie. It’s okay- you’re not a failure.”

The princess of hell takes a gulp of air, and sips on the water. “... Thank you.”

The little girl watching Charlie frowns. “What a bunch of meanies!” She throws a crayon at her screen, and it bounces off. “Get ‘em, miss princess!” She crows.

Her mother sighs, and combs her daughter’s hair as they watch the broadcast. “Poor dear… I’d faint in that situation.”

Katie Killjoy calls Charlie’s project “dead on arrival”, and asks her how it feels to be a total failure. The audience is laughing, and Charlie desperately tries to get back at Katie Killjoy.

Charlie: Yeah, well... *looks around* How does it feel that I got your pen, huh?! *grabs Killjoy's ballpen* ...Bitch!

Alastor lets out a barking laugh, his voice full of static. “Oh good heavens, what a riot! This is my favorite part, you know!” He waves his staff, and leans towards the screen. “I must say- despite the picture show being inferior to the radio, I rather do like seeing this particular scene again!”

Vaggie gives the Radio Demon a dirty look, and Charlie blushes in embarrassment. “I- I was panicking, okay?! She was being a total jerk, and I-” She huffs.

Lucifer’s grip on his office chair tightens, and the steel cracks under his palms from the force. His grin gets even sharper. “Oh, do tell, mortal?” He makes a mental reminder to get some holy weapons from his personal reserves to deal with Katie Killjoy specifically.

The old man from the crowd gapes, and pulls out his archaic flip-phone to record the TV screen. “Oh, I’ve got to see this. Killjoy would flip out, that lousy bitch!” He breaks out into a grin.

The crowd winced- even though they’d only known Katie for a few minutes, they knew exactly how a woman like her would react.

[Killjoy's demonic form reveals itself as she looms over Charlie from the shadows.]

Everyone stops laughing as Katie Killjoy goes silent. Charlie sets the pen back down nervously, and Tom Trench runs off set in a panic. Katie’s demonic form reveals itself as she screams in anger, sprouting four more bug-like limbs and an extra set of red eyes.

The crowd of scholars jumps back, wincing. “Ah, there’s the kicker.” The man in the crowd stuck his tongue out. “Gross bug lady. I expected her to be all xenomorph-like.”

“You f*cking imbecile, she looks nothing like a xenomorph! It’s more of a mantis - look at those blades!” An entomologist shouts.

“No, you’ve got it wrong! She’s a spider- eight limbs, not six!” The other scientist points to the screen.

“f*ck you!”

While the bug enthusiasts were arguing, the other brainy people ignored them to focus on more productive theories in the college classroom.

“Huh, from what I’ve noticed, demons have two forms: a more simple ‘de-powered’ form and a ‘true’ form. Like how Killjoy looks more humanoid in the broadcast, but her body becomes more bug-like with her anger…”

“Now that you mentioned it, Charlie seems to demonstrate those properties too… Fascinating. So this is a common phenomenon between human sinners and hellborn demons?”

“Well, we’ll just have to watch and see…”

Chapter 5: Hazbin Hotel Pilot (Part 4)

Chapter Text

The screen transitions to Angel Dust and Cherri fighting Sir Pentious and the Egg Bois. Cherri thanks Angel for the backup, and asks where he’s been. The spider demon responds that he’s been staying at “a crappy hotel” rent-free under the condition that he “plays nice”.

They’re both talking while throwing bombs, and decide to jump into the battlefield.

Cherri Bomb was watching the episode play out while in a bar, chugging a bottle of sweet gin. She laughed, throwing her head back. “Well, what was I supposed to think?” She gestures to the screen. “Angel isn’t known for being ‘clean’, after all!” The cyclops demon snickered.

The female imp next to her gnaws on a straw, sipping a can of cold beer. “Mmn. Yup- nobody’s willing to give the good life up.” The demonic patrons around them hollered as they saw the violence on screen, obviously excited.

On the other hand, Angel Dust was sheepishly staring at Vaggie, who was giving him a death glare. “Em… whoops?” He nervously chuckles, putting all four of his hands up in a shrug. Charlie frowns a bit but pats the spider on his back. “At least you’re doing better now… a little bit, at least.”

A homeless guy watching the transmission with the other vagrants in the slums of Vegas, in the underground tunnels. Patrick, a former handyman and now a nomad, had rigged up a sh*tty TV for them to watch sports, but was interrupted by the transmission.

It was just as much of a shock to the drifters as to the normal, well-off folk to learn that Hell and Heaven existed. And to their surprise, Hell looked no different than their usual poor conditions.

Patrick leaned on the cold tunnel wall, huffing. “It won’t be so bad down there, if we’re already living like this. At least it’s warm?” He joked.

“You saw that newlady freak! We’d be gobbled up, or worse, shot! At least the muggers and cops up top are a bit f*ckin’ nervous shootin us!” His partner scowled. “Corrupt as those pigs may be, at least they’re too puss* to risk their cushy jobs…”

A younger homeless teen sipped cold water from his banged-up canteen. “And that princess is lettin’ him stay, free of charge… We didn’t do a lot of sinning, right?”

He tilts his head. “If she’s willing to let that prostitute off the street for a chance at redemption… I say we give her a shot, if we croak. At least it’s a roof over our heads, if it’s a load of baloney.”

Angel Dust complains about the things he’s not allowed to do, saying that he’s been clean for two weeks. Cherry bomb is surprised by this, but he corrects himself, saying that he’s only as clean as he could get with “Bolivian marching powder”.

Alastor cackles as Angel sputters. “Oh, why this amazing- such a textbook example of irony!” The cannibal continues to laugh as Angel explains himself.

“Oh, alright! I did do a few lines in the hotel- but once every two days! I at least tried!” Charlie shakes her head disapprovingly, but sighs.

“Angel… you’re at least trying to go cold turkey now, right? I’d understand if you didn’t want to get withdrawal shocks, but…”

“Yeah, yeah. I can’t go fully clean because of-” Angel stops himself, and looks to the side, clearly upset at Valentino’s control over his job and habits. “My… nevermind.” He clams up.

Back on earth, a psychiatrist raises an eyebrow. “Two weeks, with cocaine? That’s impressive.”

His colleague, a scruffy nurse, tilted his head. “That ain’t a long time, doc.” The psychiatrist shakes her head.

“Cocaine is a hard-hitter; it lasts longer and gives stronger doses of dopamine. I know the guy on screen’s still taking it, but cutting back takes a lot of effort, even for a short period.”

“Huh. You learn something new every day.” The nurse takes another bite of his sandwich.

Angel Dust is wrapped in chains and thrown to the ground by Sir Pentious. He mockingly/seductively calls Pentious “daddy”, but the snake demon doesn’t get it and takes the comment seriously.

Angel is disappointed, and Cherri Bomb kicks Sir Pentious to the side.

Sir Pentious groans in embarrassment, and pulls on his hood to cover his eyes. “Dear lord, just end my life…” His own Egg Bois are making snickering-cracking sounds, amused at their boss’ obliviousness.

Back on earth, Timmy tugs on his mom’s dress. “Mommy? Is that spider the snake’s kid?” He looks at her with innocent eyes.

The lady looks to the side, not sure of what to tell her child. “Um…. yeah. Let’s go with that, Timmy.” Her husband snorts.

“You weren’t saying that to the neighbor’s husband…” Her eye twitches, and she hisses at him to shut up. Despite their dysfunctional relationship and their… questionable morals, they were surprisingly stable when it came to taking care of their son.

Sir Pentious rants about how Cherri and Angle have no class as they continue to fight his minions. Angel removes his chains, asking if Pentious’ hat is alive, and he gets defensive about it.

Angel asks if this makes Sir Pentious the bottom and his hat the top. The roast is good enough to make the snake demon’s own Egg Boi to jeer at him, and Sir Pentious throws a pebble at him.

Sir Pentious was ready to live up to his namesake and burrow into the ground, if it were not for the fact that he was on his airship. His Egg Bois continued to get worse, one pulling out an airhorn and honking it as his comrades re-enacted the “OOOOHHH!”.

It didn’t really help Pentious that he could practically hear Cherri Bomb wheezing and laughing, despite her being miles away in a bar.

The rest of Hell was also rather amused with the joke - for once, Angel Dust felt a twinge of pity for the snake demon. Unknown to them, even Asmodeus was chuckling, lazing around his mansion with Fizzarolli perched on his lap.

“Ahahaha- good one!” The imp jester stretched out on the overlord’s lap like a cat. “Ozzie! That’s actually a good one!”

Asmodeus gave a small smile to Fizz, patting his jester’s cap and making the bells jingle. “I’ve gotta say- that was rather clever. Shame he’s a sinner- I’d love to hire him to work at my place, if it weren’t for the rules.”

Back on Earth, an American general scrunched his nose up at Sir Pentious’ comment about war. “Ugh…” He pinches his nose. His soldiers nod beside him, similarly annoyed. “Reminds me of a few politicians. Can’t believe I have to say this, but they haven’t changed…”

One of the recruits stuck his tongue out. “Eugh. Imagine if bureaucrats went down there.” He was met with the deadpan expression of his fellow soldiers. “Oh, f*ck. Right, they’re bureaucrats- they’re going down to hell no matter what.”

Sir Pentious threatens to blow Angel Dust to bits, to which the spider demon calls “kinky”. Sir Pentious flares his hood in disdain, and even the sign behind him can be seen calling him a puss*.

He suddenly sees an Egg Boi with a tentacle launcher behind him, and he pushes Cherri away in order to take the hit himself. Angel Dust ends up tangled in tentacles.

Alastor once again steps a bit farther away from Angel Dust, a slight of annoyance on his face. “Aaaand you have ruined a perfectly good joke by repeating the obvious. A shame.”

Angel simply sticks his tongue out, and takes a swig of wine from the Happy Hotel’s bar. “Hey, it’s not my fault he was spoutin’ off all that kinky nonsense! I was just pointin’ it out!”

A Japanese mangaka quickly rushes to his drawing desk. “Tentacle guns… why didn’t I think of that! Oh man, I’m gonna get so much new ideas!” His coworker looked at him with an odd expression on his face.

“Hizashi, we are literally watching footage of Hell and getting our entire worldview shattered.”

“Yeah, but the deadline ain’t gonna meet itself!” Hizashi frantically sketched out the panels of his new… suggestive work. “The fans love fanservice!”

Angel Dust comments on Sir Pentious’ poor word choice, and the snake demon pulls out a drill. The spider demon says he’s been making sex jokes the whole time, disappointed that he wasn’t catching on. Angel Dust grows two more limbs from his waist and shoots Sir Pentious away with a M1982, revealing his spider-like nature.

The biologist in the bar gapes, not comprehending the tomf*ckery that was Angel Dust’s third pair of arms. “But- wha- what the f*ck???” He buries his head in his arms. “How the f*ck? How does it even- he’s skinny as a f*ckin’ stick! And his spine-!”

Similar to him, other biologists and life-science related workers were having an aneurysm at how the spider demon’s arms worked. In an accredited university, two professors got into a brawl with each other from all the stress and tension.

One guy in a military barrack perked up, leaning closer to the screen the other rookies were huddled around. “f*ck- is that an M1982 Thompson? Holy hell, I haven’t seen those in a while!”

His bunkmate chimed in. “Isn’t that like, outdated or something?”

“Well, yeah- the Tommy gun was used in World War II by the US and the Brits, but everyone knows it for being used by the mob in the 20’s!”

The drill sergeant, too occupied with the novelty of a broadcast from hell to yell at the recruits, rubbed his chin. “Hmm… reckon that spider-demon was a gangster in the mob, then?”

“You… might have a point. His accent sounds a bit Italian.”

Cherri asks Angel if he’s going to get into a lot of trouble for this, and he brushes it off, asking “what’s one little brawl gonna cause?” as he retracts his arms.

The scene comedically cuts to Charlie and Katie Killjoy duking it out on Channel 666 while a fire alarm goes off. Tom Trench runs into view, covered in flames.

Charlie balks a bit at seeing herself on screen in such a violent manner. “Eheh… hope that doesn’t make me look too bad…” Vaggie had a small smile, internally cheering her girlfriend on for beating up Katie Killjoy. Alastor was gleefully watching the chaos unfold, his grin widening even more.

Katie Killjoy was absolutely seething in the News 666 headquarters, gripping her pen so tight that it snapped in half. Half the news team was too terrified to stay around her, while the other half silently cheered the princess of Hell on for fighting their bitch of a boss.

Tom Trench was similarly cowering, but pouted at seeing how pathetic he looked on screen. “Don’t remind me… my hair was singed for weeks .”

The humans back on earth were hollering in glee, entertained by the princess throwing hands with the mantis sinner. The old man in the crowd was laughing hard enough to wheeze and cough- he hadn’t been this happy since he was a young man. “Get her ass, young lady! That bitch deserves it!”

The college professors and students, semi-recovered from the debacle about Angel Dust’s arms, were renewed into another frenzy by seeing Katie Killjoy on screen. “Somebody- get a camera! We need to record her mannerisms!”

“How fascinating! It seems that a sinner’s form affects their behavior and instincts- not the other way around? Or is it both?”

One entomologist's hand was cramping at the pace he was typing notes, his fingers a blur. “The predatory behaviors and her eyes indicate mantis-like behavior, but the stand indicates a more spider-like origin… perhaps a hybrid?”

The scene cuts back to Cherri Bomb and Angel Dust as they fight. Cherri lights a bomb, and Angel co*cks his gun as they run towards Sir Pentious with a yell. The screen shows Charlie and Killjoy, Tom Trench, and the duo all screaming comedically, until it cuts to silence outside of the Channel 666 News Station.

Niffty perks up, and clasps her hands together. “Oooh! This looks so dramatic and cool and epic- it’s like you guys are in an anime!” She chirps.

Vaggie looks surprised at the older, shorter sinner. “You know what anime is? But didn’t you die in the 50’s?”

The small maid huffs. “I’m hip enough to see what the young kids like! Besides- new sinners bring down stuff all the time!” She blushes a bit, getting a crazed look in her eye. “And all those bishounen anime…” Niffty giggles, and Vaggie backs away from the boy-crazy maid.

“Alriiiight…”

One human guy in a crowd snorts. “Is the broadcaster dude a filmmaker or something? Cuz’ he’s presenting the whole thing like a cartoon, with the cuts and all…”

The lady next to him, an overworked animator, sighs. “Yeah- geez, that guy’s overdramatic with all the framing and transitions…”

The royal family limousine can be seen driving back to the hotel, with Charlie, Vaggie and Angel Dust sitting in silence. Vaggie is glaring at Angel Dust.

A car mechanic choked at the design of the limousine, and the sheer impracticality and opulence of the body. “Is- is that f*cking plated gold ? And teeth ?” He would have commented on the tackiness of the thing, if it weren’t for the feeling that he would have f*cked up.

The car enthusiast sitting next to him in a folding chair was not as clever though. “Man, I’d hate to meet the nerd who customizes their limo like that…”

The mechanic blinked, and gasped. “Wait- f*ck. She’s the princess of hell, right? So that means that car belongs to her parents, who-”

The guy practically pales, and quickly reconsiders being an atheist.

A human whistles, impressed by the limousine interior. “Man, that looks swanky as f*ck. Too bad I’d probably have to sell a liver for that…”

“Forget a liver , man, you wouldn’t have enough cash if you sold all your organs!” The girl next to him chimes. “That looks like real gold on the outside!”

“Nah- how much would the inside cost? Not the gold- I can live without that.”

Charlie winces, looking to the side. “Ah, my jacket- it was pretty expensive. Good thing I have multiple, or else I’d be sad…” She rubs the sleeve of her current jacket, which has the same design as the ripped one on screen.

Vaggie still glares at Angel Dust while he plays with the car roller window. Angel asks what’s up with her, and Vaggie explodes in anger at him. Angel Dust rationalizes his involvement in the turf war as “helping a friend”, which is a redeeming quality.

Vaggie snips back, saying “not with turf wars that result in territorial genocide”. Angel Dust simply seems nonchalant and amused, still playing with the window button.

Vaggie looks like she’s about to go off into a rant just from seeing herself on screen, but she stops once she sees Angel Dust’s regretful expression.

“Ah- sorry, toots. I… wasn’t very considerate then, and-” He makes a gesture with his hands, then stops. “You know. It ain’t easy for me to do that, even if…” Despite fumbling, the spider demon still managed to convey his apology.

Vaggie inhales, then exhales deeply. “Fine. It’s… at least you’re making an effort now.” Charlie looks at Angel Dust, nodding in agreement.

“Territorial genocide?” The college student in the history department bites the end of his mechanical pencil, and notes it down. “Sure, they did wipe out a few of the egg-demons with that snake fella, but how big was the damage?”

His professor leans on the desk, watching the broadcast as well. “Well, maybe the ‘genocide’ thing is from how there were other demons vying for more territory. After all,” The professor continues. “Killjoy did say that multiple sinners were fighting at the same time. Maybe she was talking about the combined deaths rather than the ones they caused directly.”

The student hummed, and nodded. “Makes sense. But still… it’s rather fascinating seeing an anarchistic society function with some semblance of law.”

Vaggie throws a knife at the window roller, and Angel explains that his credibility was on the line, and that it “threw out his entire persona”. Vaggie asks about the hotel’s credibility, and that his stunt made them look like a joke.

Angel Dust scoffs, saying that jokes are supposed to be funny, and that he made them look sad and pathetic, like a limbless orphan with progeria. With that comment, even he’s bummed out, and asks if there’s liquor in the limo.

The comment about the limbless orphan with progeria manages to bum everyone in the Hotel out again, except Alastor. The deer demon was guffawing like his life depended on it, his usually composed demeanor breaking.

“Limbless- ahahaha!” Alastor gasps for air. “Angel, my effeminate fellow, your creativity knows no bounds!”

Even a few of the rougher sinners watching the broadcast winced at the mental imagery. A rather tough-looking hellhound whimpered. “Man, that’s just sad… I need a drink too.”

The sinner next to him, a sheep demon, bleated in agreement. “f*ckin’ hell, just when I thought I could think of something more messed up…”

While some of the humans were wincing at the thought, a biology student whipped out a calculator and some paper.

“Man, that’s f*cked up- wait, Shem, what are you doing?”

He scribbled down some calculations. “Seeing the probability of that happening. It’d make a good thesis for my project.”

“...Shem?”

“Yeah?” The guy looked up.

“You’re one f*cked-up dude.”

Vaggie asks Angel Dust to take it seriously, and he tells her to not “get her taco in a twist”. Vaggie is even more pissed, questioning if he was trying to be sexist or racist. Angel retorts with “whatever pisses you off more”.

Vaggie’s mood becomes even more sour as Angel Dust snickers. “Okay, I don’t regret that. Making you angry is really funny.”

“You absolute f*cking-” The one-eyed sinner gnashes her teeth together in anger. “If it weren’t for my self-control, you’d be stabbed!”

A Mexican teen snickers as he watches the TV in his living room, and turns to his sister. “Hey Mia-”

“Try that with me, and I’ll tell mom.” She narrows her eyes at her younger brother.

“Aw man, lighten up! Don’t get your taco-” The guy chokes suddenly as she grabs him by the throat and throws him to the couch on the side.

“Shut up.”

Vaggie tells Charlie that she’s going to kill Angel Dust, to which he laughs and says that it’s too late. He questions if that makes him “double dead”, and if he would go to “double hell”. Vaggie is even more enraged at this.

Vaggie: *angrily, as she grits her teeth* ¡Con una mierda, malparido hijo de-! (For f*ck's sake, you bastard son of-!)

“Write that down, WRITE THAT DOWN!” The scientist screeched, scrambling to take notes on whatever he could hear. “They can die twice??? ”

“The hell does that even mean?” His coworker asked, then facepalmed once he realized his own unintentional pun.

The scientist practically vibrates in his chair. “It was implied with the angels coming down for the extermination, but wow ! To think of the implications… Where does all that energy go?” He scribbles down some messy notes. “Their forms are possibly manifestations of their soul, so what happens when a soul is killed ? The energy has to go somewhere! ”

“Calm down, doctor! You’re acting like a maniac!”

A bunch of spanish-speaking humans cheer around the world once they realize Vaggie is also Latin American. Most of them don’t know her former nationality as a human, but were still hyped to see a sinner they had something in common with.

One particularly bored Spanish high school student snickered, elbowing his Puerto Rican friend. “Ey, what would happen if I said that to your mom?”

His friend put a deadpan expression on his face. “Don’t.”

Father Smith squints at the spear leaning next to Vaggie. “That weapon… it looks a lot like the one the angels were holding.” He grimaces, remembering how the winged messengers looked more demonic than the sinners themselves- his faith in heaven completely shaken.

One of the nuns next to him tilted her head. “Perhaps those weapons are the only thing to actually kill the human-born sinners? After all, the others weren’t afraid after the extermination, even getting into turf wars…”

“You might have a point there. Sister Katlyn.” Smith rubs his chin, contemplative.

Angel Dust calls most sinners walking around “ugly freaks”, and Vaggie smugly retorts with “you’re one to talk”. Angel, mockingly offended, motions to himself and calls his body flawless, and that people wanted a piece of him. He even pulls out a creepy fan letter to show his point, with a picture of an old guy asking for him to “show his feet”.

Bryin, the disgusting fan in the photo, panted. “He kept my letter? Oh, yes-!”

The sinners next to him inched away in disgust, most of them not willing to stoop to his level of degeneracy.

“f*ckin’ freak…” A hellhound muttered.

Even in the human world, a majority of the people either retched in disgust or covered their children’s eyes.

A basem*nt-dweller human scrunched up his nose as he watched the broadcast from his greasy TV. He was already expecting to be sent down to hell once his heart gave out or something, but seeing the fan letter made him scoff.

“Amateur! My brilliant self would not have chosen such a plebian thing to obsess over.” The neckbeard snorted, and pushed up his glasses. “ Thighs , on the other hand…”

Charlie chides Angel Dust, calling his actions “uncool”. Vaggie berates him, saying that nobody would want to stay at the hotel after his selfish bullsh*t. Charlie tries to calm down Vaggie, and she smiles at her girlfriend.

Angel Dust shrinks back more into the couch when he hears Vaggie’s rant on the television, and covers it up with a snarky attitude. “Hey, not my fault News 666 decided to tune in at that time. And I was busy, ‘kay?”

Vaggie sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, unwilling to argue with the spider demon again. The sinner decides to lean on the princess instead, giving a nod to her girlfriend.

“... Thanks, for trying to comfort me. I know I’m a bit hot-headed.”

Charlie beams at Vaggie. “It’s no problem, Vaggie! I love you! Comforting you is my job.”

The two lovers held hands as they watched the broadcast.

One of the crowds on earth muttered. “Free?” A woman asked. “She’s actually not charging him to stay in the program or something?”

Her friend, a social worker, chuckled in amazement. “Programs like that cost a pretty penny, and that’s for a sixty or ninety day period. And the princess is doing it for free.”

“Never mind that - the hotel room is free too!” A man next to her gestured to emphasize his point.

The crowd was completely in disbelief at the thought, still uneasily hopeful despite their acceptance of Hell.

The limo arrives at the Happy Hotel, which has a grand, gothic exterior with orange and red stained-glass windows with an apple motif. The inside is old-fashioned but run down, clearly in disarray.

An architecture student in college moaned at the sight of the gothic design of the hotel, clearly savoring it a bit too much. His professor wanted to reprimand him for unprofessional conduct, but was thinking of doing the same thing too.

“Oh those details! And that ambient lighting~” He drooled. “The stained glass windows to top it all off… I’m in love.”

His buddy, an engineering student, whacked him on the head. “That’s a nightmare to build. All of the details are going to cost time and money, and that's not even counting the maintenance costs of the roof, floor, and lighting!”

The architecture student sniffed. “You’re no fun… at least let me daydream about this beauty!”

The university’s history majors were in a similar stupor, admiring the antiquity of the place. “Hey, it's a bit run down…” The student frowned. “But the walls are practically lined with portraits. The hotel’s been passed around a lot, and by nobility, too…”

“The apple theming is a bit on-the-nose, though.” The lady next to him comments. “But that at least confirms Charlie’s father is Satan, or Lucifer - not some other demon.”

“Eh? Don’t tell me that the apples are actually ‘the fruit of knowledge’ from the Bible.” A religious history major drawled. “Old Hebrew texts made it vague but implied it was a fig, seeing that Adam and Eve covered themselves up with fig leaves after eating the fruit.” He leaned back on his chair. “But it looks like this cleared it up…”

Vaggie throws herself at the couch in frustration, and Angel Dust rummages through the fridge, eating a popsicle. He jokes that there should be some actual food at the place, but stops once he sees how sad Charlie is.

Angel dust reaches out to comfort Charlie, but decides to back off.

Charlie looks at Angel Dust, seeing how he tried to comfort her. The spider demon is looking the other way, his expression unreadable.

“Angel…?” Angel Dust’s mouth straightened out, not willing to show vulnerability. “It’s nothing, Charlie. Don’t ask.”

The princess of hell seems touched that he actually cared about her, but was still worried about why he was keeping his thoughts to himself. It looks like Angel actually had a chance at redeeming himself, and wasn’t a complete asshole.

“We’ll talk about this later, once you’re ready, okay?” Angel Dust shifted his head to glance at Charlie, then back at the screen.

“... Yeah.”

Charlie exits the hotel, and dials her mother on her Hellphone. The dialtone is heard, and she nervously speaks.

Charlie: “Hey, mom. I know I keep calling and you must be busy... Really busy... But, um, the interview didn't go well, and... I don't know if I'm ever going to make a difference.”

Charlie sinks to her knees and wipes the tears off her face.

Charlie immediately curls up once she sees the personal moment on the broadcast. She’s incredibly nervous and feels uneasy, knowing that Hell wasn’t the best place to have your insecurities revealed.

“No- no! What… I…” She stutters, and freezes up. Vaggie, sensing that her girlfriend was about to have another breakdown from the stress, hugs her closer and runs her fingers through her hair. “Shhh… Todo estará bien, amor. No lo pienses mucho - respira profundamente.”

Even Husk, as jaded and bitter as he was, felt some sympathy for the princess. “Geez, that f*cker really has no concept of privacy.” He growls. “I’ve got to admit- that’s a low blow, even for me.”

Elsewhere in Hell, within the Morningstar palace, Lucifer and Lilith pause as they see their daughter in such a vulnerable position on screen. Lucifer’s expression is slightly forlorn, recalling how he’d told his daughter that her plans of redemption were useless.

Lilith, on the other hand, had a gentle expression on her face. “Oh, Charlie… sweetie, you’ll make a difference. I swear.” The queen of Hell sighs. “I should really cut back on my performances… I can’t leave her on hold again, after all.

Both rulers of hell were livid that their daughter was being exposed to the masses of Hell and Earth in such a vulnerable way, yes, but right now, their minds were on comforting her.

Pastor Marty winced, reminded of his own relationship with his parents. “Ah. That… this feels like a breach of privacy. So much so, I don’t want to even watch this.”

Father Smith nodded, looking to the side awkwardly. “Yes… and even now, I’m wondering who her mother is, if her father really is Lucifer.” He shifts in his seat. “Apologies, if it is rather tasteless to the scene at hand.”

“No, your curiosity is only natural.” One of their colleagues coughed. “But we must keep watching. This is a matter of religion, after all- we need to keep going to find the answers.

Charlie: “I could really use some advice, mom. I... I think dad was right about me... Ahah, oof, eh, anyway... I'll stop talking before this gets long. Love you, bye…”

Charlie stands up, wiping her tears. She walks back inside, leaning on the door in defeat. A sudden knock could be heard on the door, surprising her.

Chapter 6: Hazbin Hotel Pilot (Part 5)

Chapter Text

The people on Earth are rather curious as to who was knocking on the door, seeing that Charlie clearly didn’t endear herself to many sinners and demons with her ideas. A good amount of humans in New Orleans felt a sense of unease and wrongness as they heard the buzzing from behind the door.

Chief Allard was still rummaging around the criminal files, and felt the same shiver run down his spine. “I know it’s got to be somewhere… If I get a bad feeling, then it’s got to be something big…

Alastor perks up, leaning forward as he narrows his eyes. “Well, looks like it’s my turn to be properly introduced, darling! I can’t wait to see how I look on screen!” He grins a bit, his teeth widening.

Charlie contemplates if she should open the door, and does it anyway. The door swings open to reveal Alastor, who tries to introduce himself. Charlie slams the door on his face, looks to the side, and closes the door again, clearly nervous. Charlie tells Vaggie that the Radio Demon is at the door.

Vox growls, shifting in his seat within Valentino’s p*rn studios. “Why is that bastard there? If he’s up to something, I swear-!”

The moth overlord gave a glare at his “boyfriend”, and Vox immediately shrunk down, still angry but more afraid of Valentino. “I was just saying-”

“No.” Valentino grits his sharp teeth, taking a puff of his cigarette. “You sit down, shut up, and listen to what that f*cker is saying. If we figure out why he’s at that stupid hotel, then maybe…” He grins sharply and maliciously, enough to make even Velvet back away. “We’ll have a chance of making him pay.”

The other demons of hell were similarly confused, but too afraid to talk bad about the Radio Demon. What the hell was he doing, going to the princess’ hotel like that?

“You think he’s going to try and hurt her?” A cat sinner whispers, clearly enthralled at the drama.

The imp next to her snorts. “Nah. Even if he is pretty strong, he’s not suicidal. If anyone lays a hand on Charlie, even God won’t save you from how the king’s going to respond.”

“Then what the f*ck is he doing there?! Don’t tell me he wants to redeem himself - that guy’s eaten at least an army’s worth of people...”

The bar is teeming with discussion, the bartender working harder to pass around drinks to the crowded establishment. With it being one of the places in hell with a public TV, nearby sinners had lined up to see some of the entertainment for themselves.

As for the humans, most of them immediately knew something was up. A guy nervously points at the screen. “H-hey… who the hell’s that guy? And- why is the princess of Hell spooked about him?”

His coworker bites his lip, clearly thinking about it. “sh*t… if that demon has a title, then it’s gotta be a big shot…”

Vaggie is freaked out, telling Charlie not to let him in. Despite this, Charlie lets Alastor in and allows him to introduce himself. The overlord laughs, saying that he saw the fiasco on television and loved it, commenting how he wasn’t that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929.

The history students in the university scramble as they hear Alastor mention the stock market crash.

“If that demon knows about that- he’s got to be a human in the past.” The student gnaws on the end of his pencil, eagerly eying the screen. “Otherwise- there’s a lot of other historical events that are more interesting than that, if he’s a sad*st. Why didn’t he say anything about the Black Death, or the several other recessions and depressions of the 60’s and the 2000s?”

His partner nodded. “Yeah- an immortal, all-powerful demon that’s been there since hell was founded would be more focused on several other events, with worse effects on the population. The fact that he specifically mentions the 1929 stock market crash… he must have been alive at the time.”

In a cozy cafe within New Orleans, a young woman furrowed her eyebrows. “...His name is Aastor? That’s… not your typical demon name.”

The server next to her nods. “It definitely sounds human… the others might have changed their names to more abstract things to hide their previous lives, like that Angel Dust fella. But if he kept it… either he doesn’t regret what he did in life, or he’s just that powerful to not care about people knowing his identity and reputation.

“Alastor, Alastor… there!” Chief Allard pulls out a worn folder from the file cabinet, sighing as he sets it down on his desk. “We’ve got hundreds of people named Alastor that’ve went and gotten locked up- but I think this one’s the one. I can feel it..”

His coworker, Officer Lacy, glaces at the newspapers in the file. “These are from 1933. It definitely fits with what he said- he did say that he enjoyed the 1929 stock market crash.”

Another policeman eyes the file nervously as they open it up.

Vaggie points her harpoon spear at Alastor, threatening him. Alastor simply uses his finger to move the tip away, saying that if he wanted to hurt anyone there, he would have done so already. As he threatens them, his full demon form fades in, his teeth sharpening and his eyes turning into radio dials. The screen itself flickers with static and demonic sigils.

Charlie looks unimpressed, the complete opposite of what she seemed to be like in the broadcast. Alastor raises an eyebrow at this.

“I’ve seen worse.” She comments, sighing. The princess of hell seems to only be afraid during the episode because she was taken off-guard by the Radio Demon’s sudden appearance, not his power.

“I bet you have, Miss Charlie!” Alastor laughs, his voice crackling. “After all,I wasn’t foolish enough to act on that threat.”

Angel Dust looks at Alastor as if he’s grown a second head. “Foolish?” The spider demon chuckles. “Why? You look like you would easily snap Charlie up…”

The Radio Demon laughs even harder, with Charlie chuckling a bit nervously. “Now, Angel, I know I’m not the best at this-”

“Nonsense, my good sir!” Alastor taps his cane on the bar, Husk actually looking at the conversation in interest. “You seem to forget that Charlotte here is a member of the royal family, and the daughter of the strongest demon in Hell!”

“Yeah, but she’s a total pushover- I was actually worried that she’d get hurt.” Angel grins nervously.

“Oh, she’s simply holding back.” Alastor has a manic grin on his face. “Even I don’t want to fool with her- don’t you ever wonder why she didn’t need to protect the hotel before I came around?”

The human crowd standing outside visibly recoils as they see Alastor interfere with the recording being broadcasted. It’s clearly not in real-time, but the fact that the Radio Demon was able to interrupt the recording, even when he was mostly unaware of Cameron’s plan… it was impressive, to say the least.

“f*ckin’ hell…” A man mutters, leaning back on his folding chair. He was secretly relieved that he was watching this with a crowd, and in broad daylight. “That was terrifying.”

The scientist next to him was scribbling down the runes that flickered next to Alastor, making sure to leave them slightly incomplete. He elbows the scientist, hissing nervously.

“What the f*ck are you doing?! Haven’t you seen enough horror movies to know that writing random demonic sh*t down is not a good idea?!”

The scientist, a scruffy older man, snorted. “I didn’t copy them exactly. Just enough so that I can replicate them later.”

“That’s even worse! Who knows what sh*t can go wrong if you just slap a bunch of demonic runes together without knowing their meaning?!”

Alastor says that he wanted to help run the hotel, and Charlie is in disbelief. The Radio demon repeats himself, tapping on his mic staff as it opens its eye and responds.

As people huddled around the TV screens in a New York electronics store, a tall woman scoffed. “So he shows up unannounced, threatens them, and then says he wants to help. Yeah, definitely a trustworthy guy.” The sarcasm in her voice was palpable.

A theater kid eyes the living microphone on the screen. His friend slaps him on the back, narrowing his eyes. “Don’t be stupid.”

“But Thomas…” He groans. “It’s a f*cking cool microphone.”

“Do not try to summon a demon just so you can steal the staff, dumbass.”

The police present at the department in New Orlean looked at the file on Alastor, lifting the old, frayed paper from the folder.

Chief Allard reads it out loud. “Alastor Theriot-Leblanc, former radio show host and celebrity from the 1920’s and 30’s.” He shifted the paper around. “Died in a freak hunting accident at age thirty-five… and only discovered to be a serial killer posthumuously.

“The f*cking- he’s the f*cking Bayou Butcher?!” One of the older officers shoved his way forward. “I know that name! My Meemaw used ta’ talk all about the guy!”

The rest of the police station fell silent. “Holy sh*t- you’re saying he’s that Alastor? The guy who managed to evade police capture for his whole life, and only died because of an accident? The guy who literally gutted the police force and tons of other upper-class snobs in the 20’s?”

Chief Allard massaged his temples. “Damn it… if only the dead stayed dead. You know someone’s going to figure it out, and we’ll be having to deal with calls all over.”

Charlie asks the Radio Demon why he wanted to help, and he explains that he’s been bored, lacking inspiration for decades. His work became mundane, and lacked focus, leading him to crave entertainment. Charlie nervously asks if getting into a fistfight with a reporter counts as entertainment, and Alastor responds that it’s the purest kind: reality.

The demons watching the broadcast tilted their heads. “Now that he says that- yeah. That makes sense.”

“Easy for that Radio prick to say.” A sinner mumbles, clearly annoyed. “Sure, he’s ‘bored’. But all us other folk are strugglin’ to fight and survive, while he’s at the top.”

A pig butcher rolls his eyes, slamming the meat cleaver he was holding to the bar’s counter. “Eugh. Better them than us. Last time he visited, I got torn apart after I decided to bad-mouth a sheep bitch.” The imp bartender levels a glare at the pig sinner.

“You’re paying for the damage.”

Charlie looks at Alastor with a giggle. “So, Alastor, what do you think now? Was the hotel as entertaining as you thought?”

The overlord lats out a crackling laugh. “Oh, definitely, darling! Even during the slow days - why, I could even listen to that young lady friend of yours and Angel bicker all day! It’s absolutely hilarious!”

The princess of Hell is hopeful that Alastor believes that it’s possible to rehabilitate a demon, but Alastor cuts her off.

Alastor: “Hahahahaha! Of course not! That's wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this! There is no undoing what is done!”

Pastor Marty wrings his hands as he sits with Father Smith in the church, mulling over the overlord’s words on screen.

“That… makes sense. In some sort of rather twisted way.” The pastor sighs, clearly dejected with the idea that Heaven and Hell were much less clear than he was taught. “It’s closer to what the Old Testament is like - much more unforgiving to sin and human error.”

Sister Katlyn, the nun next to them, looks at her nails and frowns, deep in thought. “It’s already apparent that many of the things aren’t what the Bible says. The Rings of Hell that the horrid woman mentioned was more a product of Dante’s Inferno, if I recall.”

Marty pauses, then sighs. “Yes. And I find it quite upsetting that a demon like him, which seems to be the worst sort, is so… accurate, with his claim about not being able to undo their punishment.”

The more religious people within Earth were clearly disturbed with Alastor’s words as well. Now that they had a more concrete idea of what the after life was like, the fact that it was so strict, and that they would be punished for their sins no matter how big or small- it made Heaven and God much more untrustworthy.

Someone mutters. “That- well, he’s an asshole, making fun of the princess’ idea like that.”

“But he’s right.” The Christian next to him looks uneasily at the cross on his neck, fiddling with it. “I’m… much more critical of Heaven’s idea, now that the deer-looking demon puts it that way. He seems untrustworthy… but for some reason, I feel like he was genuine about that statement.

Deep within the royal castle of Hell, Lucifer’s hand twitched. He completely agreed with the Radio Demon- and so did Heaven itself. It was one of the reasons why he actively discouraged his daughter’s idea for the Happy Hotel- he knew for a fact that it wouldn’t work with Heaven’s stringent and two-faced bureaucracy, much less their prejudice against sinners.

“Hmph.” The fallen angel tapped his hand on the throne as he watched the broadcast with his wife. Lilith, clearly sensing Lucifer’s line of thought, held his hand.

“Honey. You know you can’t convince her otherwise. Even if she did know what your family is like.”

The King of Hell groaned in frustration. “Lillith, please don’t remind me of those stuck-up bastards. Even after I agreed to let the Yearly Extermination happen- they’re still on my ass about not letting any of them up there. It’s impossible.”

Lilith pursed her lips. “Then, don’t worry about it. You did encourage her to do what she wanted, after all. She gets her stubbornness from you.”

Lucifer nodded grimly, remembering how Charlie’s breakdown was practically aired out in public, and to an extent, he was responsible for it. “... She does.”

Alastor tells Charlie that he wants to help her because it was an “investment” for his self-entertainment, and that he wanted to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure. The cannibal continues to talk to Charlie while Angel Dust and Vaggie have their own conversation.

The Radio Demon snickers at his own words, clearly enjoying the idea. “Well, I do have to say that my predictions have been right on the nose so far.” His hand makes a small motion as he examines his claws.

Charlie wilts a little as she recalls how her rehabilitation plan hasn’t been successful yet. “W-well, I’ll just have to prove you wrong. Just you wait.” The princess smiles, instead feeling more emboldened by Alastor’s amusem*nt.

Both the humans and sinners watching the broadcast expected that response from the overlord, despite the humans only having been introduced to him.

“Yeah, he seems like that kinda guy.” A teenager said, leaning on the couch she was crashing on with a few of his friends.

The other people in the room made varying sounds of agreement. “Absolute edgelord.” One girl muttered.

“Ha! That’s rich, coming from you.” Another teen said, ruffling her friend’s straight hair as she hissed in annoyance. “Didn’t you ask for the teacher to assign more work, because you liked to, and I quote, ‘watch the idiots struggle some more?’”

“Shush! It builds character.” The teacher’s pet huffed, straightening her hair again.

Angel asks Vaggie who Alastor was, and Vaggie is shocked he doesn’t know since he’s been in Hell for longer than he was. Vaggie calls him “one of the most powerful beings Hell has seen”, and Angel Dust simply replies that he wasn’t big on politics.

Alastor laughs at Vaggie’s words on screen, pressing his hand to his chest in mock-flattery. “Why, dear Vagatha! I am absolutely honored by your words, especially considering our rocky relations.”

The moth woman glares at him, talon-like nails digging into the couch in irritation. “You know what I mean, pendejo.”

“Vaggie! Be nice to him! And no foul language at the hotel, as much as you can avoid it.” Charlie scolds her girlfriend, holding her hand.

Alastor grins in victory, but Charlie gives him an unamused look. “You too, Alastor. You should stop antagonizing others.”

“But dear, it’s only entertainment! And I’m not doing any harm!” The deer demon gives a sharp grin.

The humans in the California bar, along with many others, leaned forward in interest.

“That f*cker’s one of the strongest demons in Hell?!”

“They’ve got f*ckin’ politics there?” The other patrons looked at the guy who said that with a bit of a deadpan expression.

“Joey, they’re politicians. Where do you think they’re ending up?”

“... Damn it.”

A few higher-ranking soldiers in armies around the world paid close attention, intent on seeing what exactly constituted strength in Hell.

A Russian officer tapped his foot on the floorboards of his office, looking close at the transmission with his fellow soldiers and officers. “Fascinating. If we could understand what makes a demon powerful compared to others, then we’ll have a chance at fighting them.”

The man next to him leaned back a bit in shock. “... Что? You’re actually thinking of fighting literal demons from hell? Who, need I remind you, are possibly our own men or rival soldiers after death?!”

“Да. And while it’s rather foolish with our current power- we might run into a demon who aims to kill humans instead of helping us. Highly likely, seeing how violent hell is.” The officer takes a sip of his tea.

“... You’re right. And if one of the stronger ones gets out…” Another officer nervously grips his pocket watch. “It would mean massive loss of human life, maybe even a threat to all of humanity. We might even need to collaborate with the Chinese, or worse… the Americans.”

The officer looks at the screen with a bit more urgency. “Let’s hope it doesn’t get that bad.”

Vaggie begins to monologue, the scenes changing to an artistic rendition to depict Alastor’s rise to power and his deeds.

Vaggie: “Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell, seemingly overnight. He began to topple Overlords who have been dominant for centuries. That kind of raw power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before.

The overlord looked rather pleased with the artistic depictions of him, adjusting the folds of his suit. “I’m charmed, really. It looks like the upstart seems to be a fan of mine, if he puts so much effort into building me up.” Alastor’s grin is wide at the thought.

Husk grumbles, sipping his liquor. “He doesn’t need any more encouragement. His ego’s already big as it is.”

“Oh, Husker! No need to be such a spoilsport.”

Charlie giggles, hugging Vaggie close. “Aww, you look so cool! Like a dramatic storyteller, sweetie.”

Vaggie gives her a smile. “Huh… not bad. Even though that ciervo bastardo gets all the spotlight, they did make me look nice.

The human audience was spellbound and terrified with the visuals. “Oh damn, they even put in the cinematic shots. That sh*t’s wild.”

The scientist in the bar gaped. “Holy sh*t, are the visuals figurative or literal? Because if they’re literal, we’re f*cking screwed.”

“Possibly umbrakinesis, shapeshifting, mind control…” His partner scribbled all of it down on a notepad. “And he’s strong enough to interrupt the broadcast a bit, so I’ll put down ‘audiovisual f*ckery’ into the list.”

“Guys.” Chad, who was still in the bar with his frat buddies, gulped down some water. “If that’s only an Overlord, then what the f*ck is Charlie’s father like?”

“f*ck. No wonder it’s hell.”

The American scientist that was brought in to help evaluate Hell’s strength for the military simply stared, then threw his hands up. “Screw it. You guys are dealing with this magic bullsh*t.”

“We’re f*cking paying you! Aren’t you supposed to be like a quantum physicist?”

“Quantum physics ain’t got nothing on this bullsh*t!” He throws his lab coat aside. “I don't even want the six-figure salary. Go find a guy who’s more suicidal than me.”

The general growls, pinching his nose. “sh*t. Now we’ve got a potential threat that’s completely unknown, but powerful enough to spook other demons.”

The soldier next to him chuckled. “Ah, well f*ck. At least the guy’s stuck down in hell. Wonder who he was when he was alive.”

The general pauses. “Say that again, but slower.”

“Wonder who he was… when he was alive?” The soldier stalls as well. “Oh- that's clever. We just need to find who he was- and seeing that he speaks English with an accent…”

“We can locate his former identity, using his mannerisms and speech.”

Vaggie: “Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell just so everyone could witness his ability. Sinners started calling him "The Radio Demon" (as lazy as that is). Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world's most ancient and destructive evils. But one thing's for sure: He's an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos, the likes of which we can't risk getting involved with unless we want to end up erased!”

“Holy f*cking sh*t- look at that!” The humans leaned forward, eying the diverse lineup of overlords. “Are those other Overlords or something?”

A woman leaned forward, taking pictures of the scene with her phone. She looks at it, trying to make out the other figures. “Wait a f*cking second. We’ve already seen like, six of them.”

“Wait, where?!” The people crowd around her, and she swipes across the records she took of the broadcast.

“We’ve seen the tall lady one during the beginning extermination scene. Her name’s possibly Rosie, seeing that she was painting over the “Franklin and Rosie Emporium sign. There’s also that heart-glasses moth demon, the pigtail-doll demon, and the TV demon - they were all hanging out on top of the p*rn Studios.”

She squints a bit more. “There’s also the wendigo with the teal-fire skull- I think he was watching Charlie’s news broadcast. And the lady on the very top right - she looks like the bone-wing demon at the start.”

“Damn you’re good at this. What are you, a Where’s Waldo fan?”

“Nah, former sniper for the World Paintball Championship in 2009.”

“Interesting. So very interesting…” Father Smith’s eyes widened. “To think - a normal man managed to gain that much power.”

Pastor Marty blinks. “He’s what? Isn’t he a hell-born demon like the princess?”

“No- that young lady called him a ‘mortal soul’, implying that he was once human.” The priest pulls out a cross, contemplating if he should either pray to God that he would never meet the Radio Demon, or just use the cross to whack him. “And the fact that he’s toppled stronger demons, some of which are possibly old as hell itself…”

“Let’s hope none of the folks here find out how he did it.” The nun frowned. “You know how… power-hungry some people are, especially in higher places.”

A ton of biologists just throw their hands up at this point, half of them considering making or joining demonic cults to directly go to hell and study the flora and fauna.

“Is anthropomorphism really that popular down there? Because I’m considering not hanging myself after my post doctorate if I just become a furry.”

Another biologist snorts, holding up her mug that says “#1 Fursuit maker at Rainfurrest”. “Man, I’m considering it.”

“Of course you would. Furry.”

Angel isn’t impressed, saying that Alastor looks like a “strawberry pimp”. Vaggie doesn’t trust him, but Angel Dust asks if she trusts any men at all. Vaggie ignores the comment, grabbing her girlfriend by her shoulders and telling her not to believe in Alastor, who was a pure evil deal-maker.

Alastor snorts a bit at Angel Dust’s remark. The spider sinner is actually surprised that he wasn’t immediately killed for that.

“Not bad, for an insult!” The Radio Demon actually looks excited at the rude comment. “Not many sinners have the guts to say that, even if it’s behind my back!”

“... Thanks?” Angel squints at the cannibal, not understanding his sense of humor or logic.

The young girl that was cheering Charlie on perks up. “Oh! So he’s like Dr. Facilier, from the Princess and the Frog?”

Her mother opens her mouth to say something, then thinks about it a little more. “Now that you say that, dear… it’s a fitting description. I get the same feeling.”

The little girl tilts her head, and hums. “I bet he’s got voodoo magic and all that cool stuff. But Princess Charlie’s cooler.”

The woman rubs her chin, thinking a bit at her daughter’s observation. She listened to a lot of true crime podcasts when her kid was at school- didn’t she hear about a killer in Louisiana that was rumored to do voodoo magic?

Charlie explains that she knows that he’s bad and doesn’t want to change, but the whole point of the hotel was to give people a chance. As she talks, Alastor is looking at the Morningstar family portrait, with Charlie, Lucifer and Lillith standing together.

The clergymen and clergywomen in the Australian church jumped forward to look at the portrait of the royal family.

“Is that- Is that the Serpent himself? Dear Lord…”

“He looks kind of…” Pastor Marty debated whether or not to continue his line of thought. “Short? I mean, his wife is at least a head taller than him…”

Father Smith spits out his water at the pastor’s comment. “M-Marty! You did not just call the Devil himself short!”

“Calm down, Smith. It’s only a joke.” Another priest looks forward a bit, and gapes. “Wait. His wife- she doesn’t look demonic at all. Sure, she’s a tad bit pale and has large horns- but her skin is still a human flesh tone, not white like her husband’s or daughter’s. So she’s not a fallen angel but…”

“A former human.” Father Smith realizes. “Quick- does anyone know-”

“I already had a hunch, Smith.” The nun holds her phone up, revealing a screenshot of the clock tower from earlier in the broadcast. “One of the posters there said something about a concert, and she was in it, and guess who she is?”

“Lillith.” The priest breathes out. “So it’s not just the Christian bible - but old Hebrew text as well. And if Lucifer’s wife was the first woman god made, not Eve, then it would make Charlie a… Nephilim? Fallen Nephilim?”

“Either way, Princess Charlotte has a powerful lineage. I wouldn’t be surprised if she managed to achieve her goals somehow.” He leans back on the couch with his friends and fellow Christans. “I have confidence in her.”

The humans smushed together in a crowd blinked at the portrait, not really processing that they were seeing what the literal Devil looked like until a few seconds later.

“Wait, that’s f*cking Lucifer?! He looks like a clown!” The guy next to him gaped, and whacked him on the head. “God damn it, you’re going to get us all killed, shut up-!”

Another person tries not to say something that could possibly be seen as an offense to Lucifer, just in case he was listening in somehow. “He- um… looks kinda white.”

“...” The French guy next to her is stifling a laugh. “... First thing you say when you see Lucifer himself, and you say he’s ‘kinda white’?”

“It sort of makes sense. He is Lucifer Morningstar, after all. Used to be God’s brightest angel, or something.”

Another woman wolf-whistles, clearly impressed. “Oh wow. So that’s Charlie’s mom. Don’t know who she is, but damn I can get why she got the literal Devil to be her hubby. I would commit sacrilege for that waistline.”

“I can’t believe the first thing you idiots do when seeing the literal reason behind why we’ve got sin and evil is call him a clown, then hit on his wife.” The man facepalms. “We’re so f*cking doomed as a species.”

Charlie says she can’t turn someone away, because it went against everything she was trying to do, and what she believed in. Vaggie warns her to never make a deal with Alastor, who was looking back and making a gesture with his hand.

Alastor grins, chuckling. “Ah, no need to worry. Remember, I’m not foolish enough to challenge her.”

Charlie gives him an amused stare. “You quite literally tried to con me into a deal after that.”

“Just testing your wits, my dear.” Vaggie pinches her nose, frustrated by the Radio Demon’s possibly dangerous antics.

A Muslim priest shrugs as he watches the broadcast with the other religious people next to him. “At least she has conviction. Better than many men and women I’ve seen.”

The Jewish rabbi next to him snorts. “Funny, seeing that the literal spawn of the Serpent herself has more morals than most of us.”

“Don’t be so cynical, Stein. We’ve got to keep our faith in humanity, even with the, ah, more disheartening ones in our midst.”

Charlie says that she picked up one thing from her dad, saying that “You don’t take sh*t from other demons”. She walks to where Alastor is, admitting that he was sketchy and clearly saw her efforts as a joke. As she turns away, a few runes flicker beside the Radio Demon and fade away.

Lucifer actually looks a bit proud of his daughter for this, a slight grin on his lips. “Hm. So she has learned from the best.” Being the literal ruler of the Pride ring and the originator of the sin, the fallen angel couldn’t help but preen at the indirect praise. Of course, his pride extended to his offspring.

Lilith giggles, and kisses her husband on the cheek. “She did, after all.” He melts into her hand, acting far from the terrifying, powerful demon he was.

Angel Dust snickers, holding one of his four hands to his mouth. “That’s an understatement. Smiles can’t even be trusted to run a lemonade shop without asking for your soul.”

Alastor whips around, and laughs uproariously at that. “Ahahaha- good one! Oh, you’re getting cheekier by the day, darling!”

One of the priests wheezes at Charlie’s impression of her father. “Oh- oh my god. Don’t tell me the Devil is actually like that-”

Father Smith gives him a small smile. “Probably not towards all people, only his family. But it’s rather comforting, seeing the literal embodiment of sin care about his daughter… albeit in his own way.”

The nun snorts. “Dear lord, he sounds like my own father…”

Despite this, Charlie takes his offer to help, on the condition that there were no “tricks or voodoo strings attached”. Alastor asks if it’s a deal, twirling his mic staff and holding his hand out for a handshake, green energy bursting from him.

The little girl gasps, bouncing up from her seat on the floor of the living room. “Mom! I was right!” She grins. “He really is like Dr. Facilier! Even has voodoo!”

Her mother snickers, and pats her on the head. Her father joins in on the commotion, looking at the broadcast with intrigue.

“You’re right- is all voodoo green or something?” He ruffles his daughter’s hair affectionately.

Another human in the crowd snorts. “f*ckin’ hell, he’s worse than I thought… he’s a f*ckin’ telemarketer.”

“Don’t be rude.” The woman next to him says. “At least he has the decency to stop and introduce himself. Those leeches would never.”

The telemarketer next to the two visibly wilted. “Oh. I’m just trying to do my job…”

“Your job sucks ass.”

Charlie refuses the handshake, and orders him to help with the hotel as long as he likes, using her authority as princess of Hell and heir to the throne. Alastor thinks it’s fair, and Charlie sighs in relief.

Lucifer chuckles fondly at his daughter’s attempt at standing up for herself. “Ah, youth. I remember doing that to a few of my brothers…”

Lilith gives the king of Hell an amused smile. “Didn’t they whine to your Father and he told them to listen to you? And you said they got back at you for that…”

The fallen angel huffs a bit. “I shouldn’t have told you about that. Nevertheless- my dear Charlie, all grown up and asserting herself!” He wipes a faux tear from his eye. “They grow up so fast…”

Alastor taunts Vaggie, saying that she should smile, and that “you’re never fully dressed without one”. He asks where the hotel staff was, and Charlie nervously looks at Vaggie. The cannibal jokes that she’d need more than that, and asks what Angel Dust could do. The spider demon retorts with “I can suck your dick”, and Alastor pauses, then abruptly declines.

Vaggie gives Alastor a dirty look, clearly not fond of his snarky, upbeat attitude. “No.”

The Radio Demon shrugs, and grins. “Your loss. But I am right.”

“Yeah, the offer still stands!” Angel gives Alastor a playful smile. “If you want to-”

“Nope!” This time, it was Alastor’s turn to deny the spider demon.

Angel Dust cackles, and raises his hand towards Vaggie. “Ey, fistbump, lady?” Vaggie fistbumps her pseudo-rival, smiling a bit at how he’d messed with Alastor as payback.

Some humans back on Earth watching the broadcast in a hotel waiting room winced. “Only one staff member? Even if they only have one person staying there, that’s still not good…”

The hotel clerk snorted, fiddling with the cuff of his uniform. “There is nothing in the world you could offer me to do that. I’d rather throat a cactus than do customer service alone.”

The waiter at the hotel bar frowned. “Is it… that bad?”

“See for yourself. You only deal with the drunk idiots- I deal with the entitled ones.”

Alastor decides that the hotel didn’t have enough staff, and decides to use his magic to replace the fireplace. A small, soot-covered figure falls down, and opens her single eye. Alastor picks the mini-cyclops up, and the soot poofs off to reveal a brightly-dressed maid. He introduces her as Niffty.

Niffty squeals, practically bouncing on the walls of the Happy Hotel. “Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! I’m on screen!” The cyclops demon jumps up on a barstool, pointing.

Charlie gives her a gentle smile and a thumbs up while Husk scoffs.

A human fashion designer raises her eyebrow at Niffty’s clothing. “Hm… that’s a nice poodle skirt, I have to admit. And her whole outfit is quite cute. Very vintage-like.”

“Eh, it's to be expected. All of them kicked the bucket and ended up down there for some reason or another.” Her coworker propped up a mannequin, watching the broadcast with her from their loft studio. “You know the style?”

“Yeah. Probably 50’s or 60’s, if I’m looking at the design correctly.” She hums, sticking a needle in a pincushion as she sketches it down.

The scientist at the bar jots down another note, sticking his tongue out as he focuses. “Wow- a lot of unnatural features are common down there. We’ve seen two individuals with Cyclopia now, if you count that Cherri Bomb chick.”

His colleague, trying to squint through her drunkenness, sighs. “I don’t think they follow normal rules of science down there, dipsh*t.”

“No, definitely not - but it is fascinating to see the more ‘normal-ish’ medical conditions that exist in our world have a higher demographic in hell.” The male scientist squeals in excitement, sounding a bit girly. “Imagine what we could learn about our biology by examining those conditions in a larger sample!”

“Nerd.”

Nifty eagerly introduces herself, talking as fast as possible as she quickly cleans the hotel. She’s clearly a neat-freak, shown by how she kills all the bugs and speed-cleans.

Angel Dust chuckles as Niffty runs around on screen, rambling as she cleans the hotel. “Toots, you know I’m a guy, right?”

The small cyclops huffs, crossing her arms. “Of course I do! Lady-ness is a state of being- doesn’t matter if you’re a lady or not!”

Angel pauses, then shrugs. “Huh. Surprisingly progressive, considering you’ve bitten the dust a while ago.”

Someone from the human crowd in front of an electronics store giggled. “Awww… she reminds me of my mom. Super clean-freak as well.”

“Man, you don’t even know half of it.” The woman says, playing with her hair. “She despises any speck of dust on the floor. I had to walk around in socks all the time, so my feet wouldn’t get the floor dirty.”

Her brother nods. “Mom would throw a fit if she found half as many bugs in our house as that hotel.”

A janitor chuckles, impressed. “She cleans like she’s on crack. …Is she?”

Another person shakes his head. “Nah. I know some people who move that fast with coffee.”

On the side, a winged cat-demon with playing-card patterned feathers lays his cards on a gambling table, grinning. He’s celebrating his full house until he freaks out at the glitching symbols in the air angrily realizes that Alastor has summoned him.

Husk groans as he sees himself on screen. “f*cking- damn it, Alastor! You still owe me for losing that jackpot!”

“Now, don’t be silly, Husker!” Alastor’s grin is smug. “I did put you in charge of the Hotel’s bar. That’s enough booze to pay for it.”

“You know that’s not what I meant, Al!” He growls. “Tch! Bastard…”

A biologist in a lab could only say one thing as she saw Husk. “Furry.” She made a pointing motion at the screen, like a kid pointing to a cool rock or a bug.

“Oh my god, please shut up.” Her coworker, an actual furry who made fursuits, groaned as she sipped from her mug. “He’s an actual person- I’m not going to be tasteless and make a suit off of a dead person in hell.”

“But what if someone paid you?” The fursuit-maker biologist pondered a bit, then shrugged. “f*ck it. Only if they pay twice the usual amount- I ain’t doing the detailing on those wings for free.”

Some people at a casino in Vegas made the same pointing gesture for a completely different reason. It was mainly that gesture you made when seeing someone doing the same thing as you on screen.

“Ayyy, that f*cker’s got a full house! Let him cook!”

“Man, that’s a cool blackjack table… wonder if any of the casinos in here have something similar…”

While Alastor is cheerfully greeting Husk, the chimera sinner is clearly not feeling the same. The jackpot disappears, and the cannibal tells him that he was going to “volunteer” husk for some charity work. Husk asks if Alastor thinks he’s some kind of clown, and Alastor grins like he’s about to laugh, responding with a “maybe”.

Some of the people in hell were audibly shouting at seeing that much money disappear into thin air. A few hellborn sinners could hear Mammon himself yelling and complaining from the Greed ring, probably feeling second-hand frustration from the scene.

“What the f*ck, man?” One sinner said, swishing his booze around in his cup. “That was like, a whole year’s worth of rent! Maybe enough drug money for a month or so!”

“Hey, he isn’t evil for nothing. The Radio Demon’s got a reputation.” An imp blew out some smoke from his cigar. “Not surprising that he’s an ass, too.”

“But the jackpot…” The sinner whined, sounding more of like a crybaby than an actual person who went to hell because of ten counts of murder.

The demons who played Blackjack with Husk from before raised an eyebrow.

“Hm. His full name’s Husker?”

A slim skeleton-dog sinner chortled. “Eh. He was never that much of a creative guy. Wouldn’t be surprised if he just chopped his last name up to use as a title.”

Similarly, the people in Vegas were also yelling in frustration, clearly upset that the jackpot just vanished.

“I’d start a fight if that happened to me…” The bartender sighs, and refills the drink. The guy complaining took another swig of wine. “That’s a few hundred down the drain.”

Another guy was sitting on the betting table, their game of poker pushed aside to gawk at the broadcast of hell. “Holy f*ck- all that, gone?!” There were several more groans of agreement.

The dealer gave the men a pointed look. “Please refrain from sitting on the tables.”

“Kiss my ass! I’m short and can’t see the TV!”

Alastor bribes Husk with a bar he makes using his magic. The overlord tells him that he would make the perfect face for the front desk of the hotel, and cheekily summons some cheap booze. Husk asks Alastor if he thinks he can buy him with a wink and some cheap booze, and quickly responds that he could, downing the alcohol.

Husk flushes red at being shown on TV, grumbling. “My reputation’s already down the drain, but go ahead and make it worse, I guess.”

Charlie gives Husk a reassuring pat on the back, awkwardly trying to comfort him. “Um… don’t worry. You’re not the only person in Hell with that problem- I’m sure at least all sinners have some sort of addiction at this point.”

“Yeah, but they’re not the ones being paraded around on TV like this…” Husk groans. “You know what- nevermind. I’ll deal with the problem when I get sober.”

A bunch of people in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting stared at the TV in the lounge.

“... yeah, he’s not exactly the best of people to be friends with.”

Vaggie objects to the bar and alcohol, but Angel Dust quickly silences her. He immediately begins flirting with Husk, who is clearly uninterested.

Vaggie snorts at Angel Dust. “Did you say that because you liked the booze, or because you wanted to flirt with him?”

The spider sinner gives a cheeky grin. “Whaddya think? Both.” He spreads his arms to emphasize.

Husk groans, but pushes another bottle of alcohol to Angel Dust. “Here. Take some booze, and please, for the love of god, don’t annoy me when we’re watching this.”

A therapist strokes his chin in thought as he considers the bar. “Well, having an actual bar in a rehabilitation facility is a bad idea. But a bar-like environment that serves non-alcoholic drinks would be a great alternative.”

The people next to him look at him in interest at the idea. He continues. “Well, a good reason why people go to bars is because they’re familiar environments, and they’re the only social places open at night. If cafes or libraries did the same thing, they’d be more popular, and so alcohol consumption would most likely go down.”

“... Correct. That’s a novel idea.” A doctor next to him nods in agreement. “Structuring a place to look like a bar and serving non-alcoholic drinks in beer bottles or similar methods would create a placebo effect, therefore lowering the effects of withdrawal symptoms.”

Charlie welcomes Husk with a gentle smile and a handshake, but Husk simply continues to drink and tells her that he lost the ability to love years ago.

Husk looks at Charlie, leveling a steady gaze at her. He takes her hand, and gives her a tentative handshake, not saying anything.

The princess of Hell beams. “Oh! Thank you- you’re actually making progress!”

“... Pretend it never happened, okay?” It seems like Husk wants to keep his grumpy, unbothered personality and not show that he cares.

Charlie understandingly nods, and turns back to the broadcast.

All around Earth, a good majority of humans responded to Husk’s reply with a resounding “Mood”. After all, the world was completely f*cked- it was slightly reassuring to know that they weren’t the only ones to have that feeling.

Charlie is absolutely ecstatic over the help Alastor is providing, while Vaggie reluctantly agrees. Alastor pulls the two together enthusiastically, summoning a fireball and shoving Vaggie offscreen to start a musical number with Charlie.

Charlie levels an annoyed glance at Alastor, seeing him shove Vaggie to the side.

“What? I was simply making room for my performance.” Alastor keeps his smile, but it seems a bit more smug.

Vaggie joins her girlfriend, glaring at the Radio Demon.

The record company worker blinks, and gets out her phone again. “I sense another musical number coming.”

“Holy f*ck, I can’t believe Hell literally has spontaneous musicals happen.” The guy holds his head, having a mild existential crisis. “Is- is this what my life has reduced to? Is this God’s way of punishing me for saying I hated High School Musical when I was a teen?”

His girlfriend comforted him, gently stroking his back. “Come on, it’s alright. At least the music’s catchy?”

“I don’t wanna randomly burst into song if I die…” He wails. “I’m no good at singing!”

The scientists and postgraduate researchers lounged around the college dorm, having a watch party of the broadcast as they sipped punch and discussed theories.

“You know, I think there’s something up with these musical numbers.” One guy said, twirling his pen. “It might have to do with their own laws of reality, governed by ‘magic’ along with physics.”

“Huh? The f*ck are you ramblin’ about?”

The student gestured with the drink in one hand and drew out a visual with the other. “We’ve clearly seen that they have magic, which clearly functions on its own rules depending on the individual. Therefore, Hell itself might have a singular ‘standard’ magic system, similar to the rules of physics, that exists at the same time as the ‘individual’ magic of sinners.”

The scientists around him made a confused expression. “Okay, that sounds reasonable- how does it connect to random people bursting into song?”

“My theory is that it’s a form of Hell’s own ‘standard’ magic, like environmental magic. It might be simply expressed through singing, similar to a ritual or bardic magic from DND.”

“Ohhhh. Oh sh*t, that actually might be the case!” A short, stocky scientist next to him knocks over a bag of pretzels trying to jot it down. “Damn. Shame we can’t just visit hell and see if that’s the case.”

“Well, we actually can…” The guy chuckles. “It’s just that the method is… less than efficient.”

“You mean dying.”

“Yeah.”

Alastor sings a reprise of Charlie’s song, dressing them up with his magic. He calls Charlie’s dream “laughable”, but still seems happy about her idea. As he tosses Charlie up, the background changes to neon-colored lights featuring two apples and a skull.

The fashion designer gushes at Charlie’s dress, admiring the vintage aesthetic and the quick-change Alastor’s magic was able to achieve.

“Oh, how delightful! Imagine if I managed to make a few pieces based on these outfits… they look absolutely dashing!”

Her coworker chucked at her enthusiasm, and continued setting up their studio. “We’ll be able to do this, and so much more- you’ve always got an eye for design, Fana.”

Fana continued to rush around, scribbling the ideas on her sketchbook as she looked at her fabrics.

The record company woman whooped in joy, grinning. “Hey, a reprisal! Always loved those.”

“I mean, the guy’s got a pretty unique singing voice- love the radio static.” A man next to her says. “The fellow’s a total ass and creepy, but when it comes to singing- man, he reminds me of those old-timey broadcasters.”

An old station worker squints, listening to Alastor’s voice closer. “... it sounds too familiar. Like I’ve heard it before, when I was a wee lad…”

The sinners groan in frustration. “Why the f*ck are there so many musical numbers?!”

“Dude, you have no idea how annoying that is, if you don’t plan on it happening.” A jack-o-lantern sinner tossed his head around, clearly agitated. “I ended up singing about ‘getting some head’ near the p*rn studios and now I can’t escape the jokes.”

The incubus next to him snickers, tugging at the sinner’s coat. “What? You’ve got to admit that It’s funny.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re used to it happening.” The sinner sips his drink, clearly embarrassed.

Alastor catches the princess of hell by the hand and tap dances with her, summoning shadow demons as backup instrumental and dancers.

Alastor calls back to Charlie’s song, saying that “inside of every demon is a lost cause”, dressing up Angel and Vaggie as he smacks her butt derisively.

Vaggie snarls at Alastor, clearly unhappy with the smack. “¡Si te pillo haciendo eso otra vez-!”

“Ahaha, calm down, darling! It’s just so fun to rile you up!” The Radio Demon bonks her head with his staff, making her curse more.

Charlie gives Alastor a more severe glare. “Alastor. I know you’re from the 30’s- but that sort of behavior is unacceptable. Do not do that again.”

The cannibal’s grin is still on his face, but he narrows his eyes. “... Very well then! If you do say so.”

Fana is completely over the moon once she sees Angel Dust’s and Vaggie’s outfits, her hand moving at blinding speeds to sketch them out. Her assistant sweats, clearly worried.

“Fana! You’re going to get a cramp if you draw that fast!”

“Ha! Nonsense, I’m not going to- ow! sh*t.” The fashion designer cradles her sore hand, hissing. “Alright- damn it. I’ll just find some pictures later…”

The scientists in the bar gaped, seeing Alastor’s umbrakinesis on full display. “f*cking- shadow minions?” The guy ran a hand through his hair, clearly fed up. “Alright. Great. We’ve got a sad*stic, homicidal, and batsh*t insane demon runnin’ around with the ability to make an army. Amazing.”

His lab partner sighed, simply scribbling it down in Alastor’s known list of powers. A random woman next to her leans on her arm. “Man, I’d love to slide down some railings like that… it looks fun.”

Alastor continues singing, summoning a shadow clone of himself to show off his “class and style”, before snapping it away. He’s just about to finish the song before he’s interrupted by the hotel door blowing off and slamming into Niffty. The rest of the crew look outside in curiosity.

Back in Hell, Vox wheezed like a tea kettle upon seeing Alastor interrupted. “Bwahahah- f*ckin’ amazing! Look at his face!”

“Yer’ right, Vox!” Velvet cackles alongside him, amused. “He looks like a deer caught ‘n the headlights!” The TV overlord could only laugh harder at the thought.

Valentino hisses once again, glaring at the two. The overlords quieted down, not wanting to make the moth sinner flip out and become violent.

A few sinners in a bar gape. “Who- who the f*ck is that braindead?”

“Man, attacking the Hotel where the princess is idiotic. Attacking Alastor is just moronic!” Cherri Bomb takes a swig of her drink, and burps.

The bar is filled with murmurs and discussion. “Damn, I can see what the Radio Demon was saying about entertainment… this is f*ckin’ fun.”

The little girl had stars in her eyes from the musical number, her mother brushing her hair. She blows a raspberry when the song gets interrupted, clearly upset.

“I wanted to see him sing some more! Princess Charlie looks nice with the dress!”

Her mom chuckled, slightly tired. “Mhm. I’ll find you something that looks like it, dear.”

Sir Pentious appears with his war ship, angry that Angel Dust ran away to the Happy Hotel. He introduces himself to Alastor, who clearly doesn't know him. The snake sinner’s ego is clearly hurt, and he pulls a lever, stating that he now has the element of surprise. An impractical laser cannon drops down and begins charging up.

Cherri Bomb begins cackling like a maniac, ridiculing Sir Pentious’ sheer idiocy. “O-oh man! He’s a f*ckin’ NUTCASE! Belongs in a mental house if he thinks he’s got a chance!”

The sinners and hellborn hoot and holler at seeing their favorite punching bag again.

“Come on, sh*thead! Go ahead and try- we’ll love to see this!” Another demon cheers, holding up their gin. “Ten dollars if the Radio Demon just smokes him with a single hit!”

“That’s obvious, dumbass- now, if he uses his radios or shadows, on the other hand…” The sinners jeer, placing their bets on how the snake demon would die horribly.

The humans on Earth are similarly hyped, ready to see the comedic relief snake get smoked like a blunt.

“Get his slimy ass, Alastor! I wanna see!” The crowd cheers, ready to see some violence.

Another guy downs his coca-cola, and grins. “Let’s see how strong an ‘overlord’ really is… I can’t wait!”

Scientists leaned forward, clearly expecting the obvious and curious as to see the true extent of a sinner’s powers.

With a snap of his fingers, Alastor opens an otherworldly portal with dark tentacles and shadow demons emerging from it, destroying Sir Pentious’ ship while he was still inside. Some of the Egg Bois die from getting crushed, and the snake demon himself is strangled by a tentacle. The overlord clenches his fist, static flickering in his eyes and demonic sigils flickering behind him as the warship is crushed and blown up.

The residents of hell are either left dumbfounded, sh*tting their pants, or hollering excitedly at the violence. “Holy f*ck. No wonder he’s an overlord.”

The three V’s simply grumble, knowing that Alastor only outclassed them by a smidgeon of his power. If the three hadn’t formed a (rather unbalanced) alliance, the Radio Demon would have eventually found a way to pick them off individually.

For the weaker, more civilian sinners, they gaped at the sheer power of Alastor’s magic. “No f*cking way is that humanly possible- he has hacks. Too OP, please ban.” A gamer demon said.

“... sh*t. I don’t think some angelic weapons are gonna stop him.” His companion, a parrot demon, was too shocked to correct him on his atrocious lingo. “That’s gotta be the most broken guy I’ve ever seen.”

The Princes of Hell and the hellborn nobility, however, were either scoffing derisively or enjoying the carnage. Stolas was one of them, clapping excitedly as he saw the shadow demons swirl around.

“Oooo! I love this!” He points to the TV as his daughter Octavia boredly munches on some popcorn. “You see that, dear? Isn’t it wonderful how those little sinners can cause so much chaos, even if they’re mortal?”

“Yeah, dad.” Octavia said. The young Goetia wouldn’t admit it, but she was just as invested as he was in the mysterious broadcast.

Back on Earth, almost all of the humans were gaping at the sheer size of the destruction.

“... That guy just got folded like an omelet. Scratch that, he was atomized.”

“He got f*ckin- tentacled. Tentacle hentai’d.” Some lady said, clearly impressed.

The scientists in the bar paused, then looked to the list in their hands. “... I think we’re going to need some visual accompaniment with our data. To really show how ridiculous this subject’s power is.”

The other people groaned. “And he didn’t even look tired after that…”

The military personnel watching the broadcast were completely quiet, until pandemonium broke out.

“Sir, what in the goddamn-”

“I don’t think we’re going to sanction our way outta this one, boss.”

“Nothing in the training said anything about interdimensional portals and tentacles-!”

The American general overseeing the soldiers growled, clearly stressed and fed up with his underlings’ panic. “Sit down, and shut up!” His voice snapped out, and the soldiers instinctively jumped to their positions.

“We’ve seen only a small taste of what a powerful sinner can do, boys.” The general stares at the broadcast with a hard expression. “And it seems completely impossible for us to defeat. However…”

The man spins a pen, clearly planning something. “We’re the god-damned US of A. We’ll always find a way- even if it means watching more of this broadcast on the demon folks.”

The rest of the hotel’s inhabitants are standing behind Alastor as he grins menacingly, their faces a mix of shock and horror. The cannibal breaks the tension by saying that he’s hungry, asking if they wanted some Jambalaya. He continues to talk about his mother’s recipe as they slowly walk back to the hotel. Alastor uses his magic to change the sign atop the hotel to read the “Hazbin Hotel”, seemingly breaking the fourth wall to ask the audience to “stay tuned”.

The priests and nuns at the Australian church were openly gasping, clearly shocked by Alastor’s power.

“...Power that no mortal soul has ever harnessed before, indeed.” Father Smith shakes his head. “I cannot even comprehend what that man might have done to gain it.”

Pastor Marty is similarly in disbelief, but coping with it using his humor. “I suppose this is what the youth call a ‘bruh’ moment.” His smile wavers. “But I have to admit, this is no mere event. Seeing that he is not even exhausted…”

“I doubt that this is just voodoo, like most of the sinners believe.” Sister Katlyn hums. “It also appears that he has connections to eldritch horrors… like Lovecraft’s monsters.”

Another nun threw her hands up, completely giving up. “Great. We’ve got Lovecraft now- never said that in the Bible.”

Physicists were having an aneurysm seeing how Alastor nonchalantly ripped a hole in reality for tentacle monsters and shadow demons to pour out, and simply just… closed it. One guy simply curled up into a fetal position, his papers on the ground.

“Decades of research… all gone…” He wept, his colleague patting him on the back in sympathy.

Alastor, as if knowing the sheer chaos his display of power caused on the human world, leaned back and grinned. “Now, that’s what I call a show. Not so bad, if I say so myself!”

Charlie gives the Radio Demon an incredulous look. “Did- did you know we were being recorded?!”

“Not at all! I tend to simply have a flair for the dramatics!” Alastor preens, his voice full of pride.

Husk snorts, amused. “Nah. You’re talking to the guy who likes to act like he’s on the radio 24/7. He says “stay tuned” at random like a dumbass.”

Alastor’s grin turned annoyed as he turned towards his friend, irritated that his surprisingly dorky habit was revealed. “... I’m just that good of a host, Husker!”

Chapter 7: Hazbin Hotel - Aftermath

Chapter Text

The television screens flickered, and the broadcasts returned to normal. The people made several noises of confusion, disoriented from seeing the normal news and sports broadcasts again. However, right under the normal programs was a black caption bar, showing a countdown.

24:00:00

"Aw, man! A whole f*ckingday?!"Chad's buddy, Mitchell, groaned. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't wanna see a football match afterthat!"

"Agreed." The frat boy gestured to the bar's exit. "Wanna go back to the dorms and get wasted? Idefinitely need a drink... damn,Hell is real."

The rest of the crowd is still milling about in the bar, either still in shock that they just went through that or frantically discussing what they saw.

"Man, did you see thesky?There's like, an actual pentagram there! And I'm pretty sure that there was this bright moon thing in the sky too, with rings!"

"No- too big and bright to be any kind of moon. Maybe a separate planet?!"

The bartender gaped. "No f*cking way- it might be Heaven."

"You're sh*tting me!" The woman downs her lemonade drink, gagging a bit at the sourness. "Don't tell me Heaven and Hell are like... planets or something! You're saying that if we build good enough spaceships, we'd run into them out there?!"

"That'll bewild...Imagine NASA or something just finding Hell..."

[Twitter]

co*cknballz @sugondese_nuts

how the f*ck am I supposed to react to this hell is literally real 💀

3:30 PM - June 1, 202X - Twitter for iPhone

530 Retweets - 56 Quote Tweets - 1.1k Likes

thomas @Tomathyds

Man you're not special, all of us are confused

co*cknballz @sugondese_nuts

@Tomathydsdude just let me vent

She banana on my bread @paulchambers2

@Tomathydsvent like sus among us?

co*cknballz @sugondese_nuts

@paulchambers2i now see why we're all going to hell

Jesussy @christian_m3mes

I'm definitly going to hell with the amount of blasphemy I've posted, but lemme crank out one last banger

4:02 PM - June 1, 202X - Twitter for Web

1.4k Retweets - 102 Quote Tweets - 3.2k Likes

hell is real???@conn3red

I'm still sh*tting my pants over the fact that HELL IS REAL and you're just here making memes??? How the f*ck did you adjust so fast???

BallroomArtz (Commissions Open!) @BallroomArtz

honestly hell is much more chill than I was expecting. if i'm ending up there, at least i won't be tortured 24/7 or something

hell is real???@conn3red

@BallroomArtz Yeah but it's still Hell! You are LITERALLY going to get eaten or stabbed to death there!!!

BallroomArtz (Commissions Open!) @BallroomArtz

@conn3red that's just the average Liverpool experience

Lord Praise Us @gertrudeone1

You should be Ashamed!!! Find forgiveness in your Soul so He may forgive You!!!

Jesussy @christian_m3mes

@gertrudeone1ok grandma its time to take your meds :/

Panko *.*(^w^)*.*@breadcrumbPANKO

Man I feel so validated as an atheist now. God doesn't believe in me, so I don't believe in him <3

LesBean 🏳️🌈 @LesBeanie

omg did you see the princess of hell. she's so cute with her girlfriend!!!

[An image of Vaggie and Charlie on the broadcast. It's the scene of Vaggie comforting her girlfriend.]

4:28 PM - June 1, 202X - Twitter for Samsung

3k Retweets - 302 Quote Tweets - 5.1k Likes

bisque @onyonsoup

is this like a win or a loss for the lesbians? because it's literally hell

LesBean 🏳️🌈 @LesBeanie

@onyonsoup honestly idk, and isn't charlie born there? so she's a good person, no someone who went there for a reason

putting the L in LGBTQ@godsbiggestloser

i'm gay but i wish i could get a guy that comforts me the same way 😭. relationship goals fr fr

Sebastian Simp@BlackButlerStan20

Ong I'm so jealous, she's living the good life with a demon GF

putting the L in LGBTQ@godsbiggestloser

i would KNEEL and BEG for that, god DAMN, i'd BLASPHEME

theorycrafter @aliensRreal

Ok anyone got any idea what the f*ck is going on down there

4:28 PM - June 1, 202X - Twitter for iPhone

1.4k Retweets - 203 Quote Tweets - 2.8k Likes

Step on me shawty @shawty_ooc

I think it's literally just detroit but with california's taxes

Breezy@EvoBreeze

It's really interesting rewatching the recordings of the broadcast on Youtube! I remember that the Killjoy lady said something about Nine Circles- is it like Dante's Inferno or something?

mack @machmantle

Most of the demons were dead people, tbh. Everyone got that down, right?

theorycrafter @aliensRreal

@machmantle NO??? I LITERALLY MISSED THAT, WHERE???

mack @machmantle

@aliensRreal If you search up katie killjoy, you get directed to a wikipedia page about this dead reporter lady in the 80's. And there's a few clips floating around with her voice-she sounds the exact same and has the same personality

jamie @feltonjamie

My mom works at this government agency and says that she already knew demons existed, her workplace was raided or something

BBC Breaking News @BBCBreaking

Woldwide TV signals hijacked by mysterious perpetrator, revealing the existence of Hell

See more on https://www.bbc.com/news

5:43 PM - June 1, 202X - Twitter for Web

10.2k Retweets - 5.6k Quote Tweets - 18.5k Likes

Derek Dawson @dawsonderek023

THE END IS NIGH!!! 😡😭✝️ REPENT

rental boats for cheap @mike_marketplacee

@dawsonderek023 shut up boomer we're all going to hell, you included

Nightshade 💜 @N1T3SHADE

I still can't believe the day I have a midterm exam, this sh*t happens :/ I literally got out of class and next think I know, they hit me with the "hell is real" type sh*t

Mia Suzuki @MSuzukiii

Well, there goes the last 20 years of my life being Buddhist

Dinaaa @crochet_owl

@MSuzukiii I get you- being Muslim is now kind of awkward knowing that the Christians are kind of right but also completely wrong about hell

hell is real, and so is your mom@daniloAlacantr0

@MSuzukiii tbh it's even more awkward if your super-religious christian family is having a breakdown next to you (source: me)

ABO fanfic critic @fanfic_trashh3

I KNOW some bitches out there simping for Charlies dad. GIRL that is LITERALLY THE DEVIL

6:53 PM - June 1, 202X - Twitter for iPhone

1.3k Retweets - 329 Quote Tweets - 4.8k Likes

castiel is canon :D @ya01nyur1

and? move aside gurl, I'm getting some of that white twink bussy

Monsterf*ckers unite! @demonsLAYER;)

Man I'd sell my soul if I got to tap that, gimme the strap

elainwhor* @elanorkasyn

No no no, you're completely wrong - his WIFE is where it's at (whoever she is)

Monsterf*ckers unite! @demonsLAYER;)

@elanorkasyn You're not wrong on that either - I go both ways and would GLADLY call her mommy

bts imagines dump @imagines_archive

@elanorkasyn guys @demonsLAYER;) I FOUND OUT WHO SHE IS!!!

[Image of Lillith's poster in the pilot background. It's zoomed in.]

elainwhor* @elanorkasyn

@imagines_archive god DAMN, she may be an idol but I'd SING for her 😩💕

MottPad @MottWattpad

Forbidden Fruit: A Lucifer x Lillith Fanfic by MottPad https://www.wattpad.com/

ABO fanfic critic @fanfic_trashh3

you f*ckers are already hard at work, huh. not surprised

MottPad @MottWattpad

@fanfic_trashh3 Is that really a bad thing tho

ABO fanfic critic @fanfic_trashh3

@MottWattpad ... send me the next draft, I'll beta read it

1 . Religion . Trending

Hell is Real

A worldwide broadcast reveals the existence of the afterlife, leaving people stunned

Trending withHappy Hotel, redemption, demons

2 . News . Trending

Government responds to television hijacking

Worldwide governments reassure citizens, leading to backlash

Trending withFBI, conspiracy

3 . Trending

Christian Memes

Trending withHell, Heaven, Jesus

Belarus May was a pretty normal guy with a sick-ass name. He'd managed to scrape by into Bridgewater State University admissions with his 3.0 GPA and a knack for playing football.

It was a wonder that a jock like him managed to get a bachelor's in Sociology, and was now working on his postgrad. And it was times like these, where he was crammed in a lecture hall with fifty of his associated and something to talk about, that made him remember why he loved college.

"The implications of this all... It's so interesting! It's not everyday you see a society completely founded on semi-anarchy."

"I know, right?!" Belarus gushed, feeling like a teen all over again. "There's usually no ethical way to test this in real life- but we've just got a glimpse into the social dynamics and workings!"

The TA he was chatting to beamed. "I did my graduate paper on the role of violence within marginalized groups - and even though it's a bit messed up, we can see what really happens when violence is actively promoted on a larger scale."

One of his co-workers, a professor with a doctorate in Social Anthropology, rambled on about the possible role of magic on Hell's society.

"... And since they've got a clear differentiation within magical power, this creates a naturally uneven distribution in society. In this case, the more brutal and strong they are, the more they thrive."

"Usually this Darwinian idea of thinking wouldn't hold up in real life." The woman continued. "But in this case, it aptly fits Hell. The fascinating thing, though, would be the role of natural-born demons and how they interact with human-born 'sinners'."

Belarus focuses on her, clearly enraptured with the idea. "Tell me more."

She smiles, and continues. "I'm more interested in this, since we see more variety in the powers and appearances of the 'sinner' class. And we're not even sure how to distinguish them from hell-born demons - I would love to assess the theories once we get a closer look at them."

"Is there as much variety within native demon folk? Or are they more set in their species trait?" The professor spreads her arms to emphasize her point. "The possibilities are endless!

Yes, today was a good day to be a social researcher.

[Reddit]

▲ r/athiesm - Posted by u/JackRabbit33 3hours ago

12.2k I don't believe in God anymore.

▽ I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I've been proven completely wrong about my religious beliefs.

Some context to this: I'm a guy who used to go to church as a kid on the daily, and my parents were the really strict Protestant parents that you'd expect. I broke away from Christianity twenty years ago because of how I didn't like the church, and my disillusionment with the whole world and all that.

I kind of already lost faith in God and Heaven after I wasn't able to marry or have kids at my age, and my parents disowned me after I quit the church. Even then, I was sort of hopeful that God or Jesus or someone would come along and solve my problems.

It took a lot of therapy to get my life together, and I became a full-blown atheist after realizing that I was only using religion to mask my own insecurities and flaws.

Now that I've seen the broadcast and all that, my conviction is completely stronger. I'm not an atheist in the normal definition anymore, but I sure don't believe in what Heaven is apparently doing. I've only seen those kinds of massacres in one place before, and it's usually in the history textbook under the Holocaust section.

That's when I decided to finally not believe in God anymore, even though I'm. Because either He's completely abandoned us, or He's messed up enough to let this happen.

10.3k ⌨Comments ➦ Share ☒Save ⊘Hide ⍰Report

SegaEra ⋅ 3hours ago

Holy sh*t. Well written, my friend.

△ 1k ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

JackRabbit ⋅ 3 hours ago

Thanks. I had a lot to vent out - kind of broke down a bit realizing that Heaven's literally killing people instead of redeeming them, but looking back I'm not surprised. The Bible, especially the Old Testament, was kind of f*cked up.

△ 1.2k ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

SegaEra ⋅ 3hours ago

It's good that you decided to vent here - everybody's going through a similar thing, and it's really comforting that you shared your experience. It's nice to hear that 'm not alone with my distress.

△ 432 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

15 more replies

defaultdancer⋅ 1 hour ago

Mans saw God and was like "nuh uh"

△ 847 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

JackRabbit ⋅ 1 hour ago

Thanks dude, your comment made me laugh :thumbs up:

△ 900 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

HellfireRubik⋅ 1 hour ago

Basically "God doesn't believe in me- why should I believe in him?"

Truer words have never been spoken.

△ 102 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

AltSear⋅ 1 hour ago

He really pulled the "☝️🗿🫳 actually" right after seeing that Hell existed, my guy

△ 32 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

10 more replies

UtauParr0t ⋅ 30 minutes ago

completely justified, since christianity was kind of going downhill already. I can get behind the original message of "be kind to your neighbor" and forgiveness, but the modern interpretation is at best flawed and at worst completely the opposite.

i also remembering that camera head guy saying that heaven was corrupt or something. Maybe that had to do with the message of religion being twisted in a similar way?

△ 581 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

Mement0Mori1 ⋅ 26minutes ago

Yeah, that was my thought exactly. If most of the people going to heaven are basically Christians who were "good" but not exactlygood in that sense, then they'd obviously spread those ideas to the angels and authority up in heaven. Or maybe heaven was already a bit f*cked up, and the fundamentalists going up there only made things worse.

With the way Hell is being handled as we see, they're doing the same thing as some prison systems - they're focusing more on punishing bad behavior rather than putting in the time and effort of rehabilitating the sinners. This is kind of paralleled in some prison systems around the world (especially America), and it only serves to overcrowd Hell, similar to how prisons are overcrowded.

In addition to this, people are going to bemore likely to sin because of how strict the punishment is - they're more likely to be trapped in their addictions and vices because of the negative environment encouraging it. Therefore, by continuing the exterminations, the angels are basicallyworsening the problem when it could have been solved with a rehabilitation approach.

TLDR; heaven is probably full of good Christians, but not good people. The extermination is probably the main cause of the problem in the first place, or at least making it worse.

△ 121 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

JackRabbit ⋅ 15minutes ago

Man, I didn't even think of it like that. That's even more f*cked up, but I can kind of get why Heaven and Hell are like that now.

It just sucks all around knowing that what I've been praying to is just as flawed as us. Sure, they're definitely more powerful, but I doubt they'll actually listen to people like us.

△ 34 ▽ ⌨Reply Share Report Save Follow

{The New York Times}

Television hijacking reveals existence of afterlife; Overpopulation the main concern

A mysterious broadcast has shown the world that Hell is real, and that the afterlife is more complicated than we realized. Experts and people debate about whether rehabilitation is the best answer.

Editorial By Tanisha Fields

June 1, 202X

Hell has always been a subject of fascination for people, way back to the inception of religion and Christianity itself. The concept of an afterlife punishing the wicked has been present in many religions throughout history, as early as the Mesopotamian religions from the third century B.C.E to the wide array we have today.

Media often depicts hell as a fiery, desolate wasteland where people are punished by demons for their sins. This interpretation comes from the popular Christian notion of purgatory, and has been dominant ever since with the rise of semi-religious narratives and parallels within popular films, literature, and music.

However, we were never really sure of what that afterlife looked like - the only way for that to happen would be to successfully come back from the dead. The mysterious transmission hijacking today changed that.

Billions around the world were shocked to see that Hell was actually a semi-functional society, with demons living their lives just as a person would. And while there was enough fire and brimstone to go around, no mass torture or punishment was present. Instead, we got to see a violent, outwardly society propagated by sinners themselves.

It turns out that people turn into these demons when they die and arrive at hell, colloquially named "sinners" to distinguish them from the native born residents of Hell. And with the large amount of people dying and going to hell, an apparent overpopulation crisis ensued.

And so the second biggest revelation was revealed to us: Heaven sends down their own angels to commit a "yearly extermination" to cull the population of sinners. The effects of the massacre are clear: widespread devastation, increased violence and turf wars.

We got to see the attempts of one Charlie Morningstar, the heir to Hell's own leader, to rehabilitate the demons around her and prevent the need for the extermination itself.

It is this idea of "rehabilitating" the worst of humanity that has become divisive between religious leaders and society, as shown by the recent discussions on Twitter and other social media online.

Some critics say that rehabilitation would be morally incorrect, seeing that some of the people in hell have done unforgivable crimes - as shown by how notorious serial killer Jeffery Dahmer was reported to have a cooking show down there, and was known for the murder, defilement, and cannibalization of 17 marginalized young men in Wisconsin.

There also lies the argument that rehabilitation would be a much harder task than simply culling the population, and would expend resources that Heaven supposedly has.

However, a majority of people are arguingforthe rehabilitation plan, citing many real-life examples of its benefits. Their main points are that the culling of sinners is itself inherently flawed, and that rehabilitation would be a far more effective long-term solution to the overcrowding of Hell.

One user, an accredited historian by the name of Dr. Anna Datvyan, draws parallels to the real-life atrocities committed by the German Nazi Party in World War II and other regimes, comparing the massacre of sinners to the Holocaust and the systematic killing of oppressed groups.

"A lot of the crimes and supposed 'sins' committed by people, both today and in the past, are a reflection of the poor situations they grew up in," Dr. Datvyan states. "And more marginalized groups, such as people of color, religious minorities and LGBTQ+ individuals, are often forced into these negative conditions by discrimination and other factors outside their control."

Dr. Datvyan explains that this unfairly stacks the odds against people in bad socio-political environments, and that while some people within Hell would definitely be irredeemable, most sinners would more likely be rehabilitated with the right resources and programs.

"It's like they say - 50% nature 50% nurture. Nobody is born inherently evil or predisposed to crime."

Whatever the best solution to the problems of the afterlife may be, it doesn't change the fact that the world is irrevocably changed from the broadcast. No longer do we have to wonder what lies beyond death - and an age-old question is finally answered.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have my will to write up, just in case.

[Sinstagram]

😈 verosika.fan87 Follow ⋯

♡ 💬 ➣ ⍓

66,666 likes

verosika.fan87 can't believe I'm dusting off this old meme

5 hours ago

Comments ➣

✴️penta.grant 5h ♡

oh for f*ck's sake i can't believe the people back on earth can ACTUALLY see us now on the broadcast

201 likes Reply More

🉐 crackedhouse 5h ♡

selling cocaine for 15$ a bag, high-quality, @ alleyway next to Klub Kaiju

14 likes Reply More

🚷 Pedestri0 5h ♡

@crackedhouse Man shut the f*ck up and promote your sh*tty half-assed chalk somewhere else

25 likes Reply More

🤡 Jokerzz! 4h ♡

Holy sh*t!!! They KNOW WE'RE HERE!!!! Are they going to like, try to come and get us?

19 likes Reply More

🍆 schlong.sucker11 4h ♡

@Jokerzz! knowing how sh*t we were, nah, probably not :[

6 likes Reply More

Chapter 8: Helluva Boss (S1E1) - Murder Family (Part 1)

Chapter Text

The 24 hours passed by relatively quickly, the timer at the bottom of all televisions ticking down. People were too distracted to completely focus on their work, all eager to see what would be revealed about hell.

One guy lugged a flatscreen TV over to the factory he was working at, and flicked it on. His boss gave him a warning look, but the worker simply rolled his eyes. “Hey, you’re stuck in here too until the end of the day. Don’t you wanna have some fun while doing this dead-end job?”

“... fair point, Rivers. But if you or your coworkers mess up any orders, it’s going out.”

Father Smith and his coworkers had dispersed to do their priestly duties in the time that the broadcast had paused. It was awkward, stepping into church and admitting to the congregation that they were just as clueless and confused as the masses. To Marty’s confusion, there were more people in church, albeit not to pray.

There were many discussions about Hell at this point. Marty and Smith felt more like equals instead of ‘above’ the churchgoers. It was refreshing, simply kicking back and talking about what they’ve learned to laypeople.

“Father Smith, I was wondering… should I really continue my worship, if both Heaven and Hell are flawed?” He ponders a bit, and gives his honest answer to the man who’d asked him.

“Previously… I would have wholeheartedly agreed to continue my devotion.” He adjusts his collar. “But, I feel that this is a decision you alone should make. The angels and the Lord himself have been shown to be less than perfect- and it therefore should be your own choices that affect your worship.”

The scruffy man nods, and takes a drag of his cigarette, clearly tired from the bombshell that was dropped on them yesterday. “... I suppose so, sir.” He exhales. “Are you… watching the next one?”

“Of course.” Father Smith sighs. “It’s my job, after all- I’ve already got a bachelor’s in theology. It’d be a waste if I didn’t catch up with what we got wrong.”

In the Malibu bar, the owner had quickly cleaned up all the seats from the previous showing, and crammed in more chairs for excess customers. And just because he wasn’t an idiot, he placed an order for non-alcoholic beverages as well - might as well cater to all people coming in for the broadcast.

“Hey, bartender!” Chad opened the door, and his buddies eagerly shoved in to get the first seats. The bartender snickered, cleaning some glasses.

“Heya Chad- the usual?” He places a few cans of cheap beer on the counter. Chad picks it up, and slides over a wad of bills. “You know we well, dude! So- the broadcast is up soon! How’d you feel about the whole thing?”

The bar slowly filled up behind them, people chatting and drinking. The scientists from before had come back with more of their coworkers, this time with a camera to record the broadcast and enough notebooks and ink.

The bartender rolled his eyes. “And why should I care about Heaven and Hell? I don’t care where I end up- everywhere you go, there’s always gonna be a bar, and when there’s a bar…” He twirls a champagne flute, and smoothly fills it with wine. “There’s me.”

The jock simply eyes the man in the suit, confused. “... okay?”

Now that people knew that the broadcast was coming up, there was much more time to prepare for watch parties. Some people still decided to bring their own folding chairs and seat themselves in front of TV stores- but the majority stayed home to watch it for convenience, or invited friends over.

Some streamers on Twitch even had the genius idea of setting up cameras to record their reactions. Benedict Winter, better known by his handle wintergun , was a weapons nut who became famous from watching indie action movies and drawing out blueprints for cosplay.

He’d seen the first broadcast right in his weekly Valorant gameplay, and missed most of it. This time, he wasn’t going to miss a second of content he could milk. And he had to admit, he was curious as much as everybody else.

Benedict waved to the camera, his Wacom tablet in hand and a grin on his face. “Chat, welcome back to the stream- we’re going to be doing something special today!”

He turned his camera around, showing off a small flatscreen TV. He’d hooked it to his gaming setup, and overlaid the screen on his own display. “I know we’ve all seen the weird Hell stuff - and this is definitely going to get me TOS’d. But I’m going to react to the next broadcast!” The chat went wild.

Stream Chat:

☰ All Chat ☆62 ⇗15 ⊽1

Neonexus: man, we’re all gonna get banned for this

Beehive_bitch: this is gonna be so epic

tejice: react no skill ez

Enby2933: let’s gooo more content

Trashtalkerr: it’s only been a day since he’s posted, how the f*ck

bentoblades: who cares!!! Suprise stream!!!

OwOell: *surprise

fewpon: pogchamp

Everymann: pogchamp

Enby2933: pogchamp

aracover: pogchamp

Godwacky2: bro there’s so much cursing, how the hell are your editors gonna do this

Zestwisee: pogchamp

[MOD] StacyNeko: I dunno, Jackrabs, how are you gonna edit this???

[EDITOR] Jackrabbet3: *shrug*

D.H.O.R.K.S. Headquarters was in complete chaos after the broadcast. Whether it was a good or a bad thing depended on who you asked.

The accountants and pencil-pushers were groaning and cursing at the sheer number of paperwork that went with Hell’s reveal. Most of it was from the American government itself, demanding that something must be done. Of course, that was currently impossible seeing that the broadcast was a global issue and doing so would trample into international territory and cause a dispute.

And there was also the problem of actually agreeing on what to do. Some of the more sensible politicians were calling for treaties, diplomacy and a stable first contact scenario- but a sh*t ton more were pissing themselves over the sheer power of the Overlords and sinners.

The war hawks and religious nuts were losing their minds and foaming at their mouths for conflict, which was as idiotic as it sounded. But of course there would be idiots trying to immediately nuke Hell, even when they didn’t even know where it was.

On the other hand, the scientists and agents were having a blast, practically bouncing off the walls with glee.

Agent One and Two were whooping with joy as they clinked glasses, their branch having a party when they finally got the budget increase and attention they needed from the higher-ups.

“How’s about that, huh?!” Agent Two hollered. She grinned, and planted her hand on the corkboard pinned with evidence and papers. “They finally gave a sh*t for once! And guess who has the only intel out there on Hell - us!”

Agent One chuckled, pushing his sunglasses up. “Yea- dat’s right, Two. We’s the only ones with the good stuff- and they’ll have to reward us with the promotion, not the nosy CIA goons! Take that!”

“D.H.O.R.K.S. ain’t going to be the laughingstock of the agencies anymore!”

Just on the other side of the facility, the eggheads were vibrating with joy as they eagerly watched the televisions mounted on the wall, their hands at the keyboards of their laptops and computers. There were at least five whiteboards lugged in, a f*ck ton of notebooks and paper, and a cable connecting the screen to a computer so that they could record the episodes.

The air was completely filled with chatter, arguments and theorizing about Hell. Scientists were already scribbling on the whiteboards, muttering and ranting to any of their colleagues. It was like a room full of people that had the same hyperfixation.

“... And this is why I feel like ‘magic’ within Hell is higher in concentration compared to Earth. Simply the atmosphere itself and the thaumaturgical connections to God as a higher being-” A short, stocky woman continued to rant about the discovery of magic.

Her coworker, a similarly petite and ratlike man, nodded. “Yes- but I feel like calling it ‘thaumaturgy’ is really unnecessary. Sure- it’ll be good in the research papers because of academic formality, but you can just call it ‘magic’, f*ck’s sake.”

Moxxie and Millie scurried around the office building, cleaning things up for Stolas to visit. Blitzo himself was clearly stressed, muttering as he cleaned his guns. He was used to visiting Stolas, not the other way around.

“sh*t, sh*t, sh*t- Moxxie, you limp-dicked prick! Hurry your sorry ass, we got royalty coming to visit!” He yelled.

Moxxie wheezed lugging a fancier, bigger couch into the waiting room. “F-f*ck! Need some help here, Mills!” Millie rushed towards her husband, lifting up the other end and hoisting it over her shoulder.

“Darlin’, don’t stress yourself! Your hair’s already all white!” She giggles, setting it down next to their new window. The office itself had been hastily renovated, the ripped and cracked wallpaper replaced with fresh paint.

“Oh for f*ck’s sake, just throw everything out, he’s going to be here any-!” Blitzo freezes as he hears the familiar rev of a limousine outside.

“Oh Blitzy~!” There’s the sound of rapid tippy-tapping bird feet, and a knock at the front door. “I’m here!”

“Ugh…” Octavia’s voice could be heard, just as exasperated at her father’s lovestruck antics. “Just open the door, please. He’s been like this the whole day .”

Blitzo throws open the door, his smile strained and panicked as Stolas peers down at him.

“How is my cute little imp doing~?” Stolas’s beak perked up in a smile, and Blitzo rolled his eyes. He was used to the Goetia demon being slightly condescending, but it was still annoying being reminded of his status.

“Yeah, yeah. Listen- you’ve seen the f*ckin’- TV broadcast, right? Which Charlie’s dumb-ass plan?”

Stolas let out a nervous chuckle. “I’d rather you not call Lucifer’s daughter a ‘dumb-ass’, Blitzo. But yes, I did see the commotion.”

Loona rolls her eyes, and pulls up her phone. “Everyone did, Blitzo. It’s all over Sinstagram- even Sloth got reception, and you know how sh*t the lowest ring of Hell is with broadcasts.

Moxie and Millie gape at what she says.

Stolas takes in a deep breath, his mood hampered significantly. “Right- well, yes. All of Hell saw the broadcast- and the higher-ups are already calling for us Goetias to do something.” He fiddles with his tie. “I’m- a bit sorry for this, but I might need my grimoire in a few day’s time, Blitzy. They would definitely need me to perform a few spells, and try to track down the perpetrator.”

Blitzo waves it off, clearly occupied with the broadcast and his business. “It’s fine, you own it anyways. I just need something in return, birdbrain - you got a way for me, Moxx and Mills to get some human disguises?”

The owl demon hoots in relief. “No worries- it’s easy for me to make some. The spellwork is easy.” Stolas tilts his head. “Were your disguises not enough, darling?”

“They've been holding up well enough, just-” Blitzo hisses, frustrated. “The f*ckin’ humans up there’ll know soemthing’s up, after seeing Hell in the broadcast. I can’t risk us getting caught.”

Millie looks over at the two discussing the disguises, and whistles. “Hey! The broadcast’s starting up again in a minute!” She points to their TV in the office. “We gonna watch or no?”

Stolas hoots, clearly interested, and Blitz raises an eyebrow. Millie’s husband takes his seat next to her in the company room, and folds his hands. “It might be beneficial to watch… Cameron, was it? He might have more information that could help the company.”

Blitzo snorts. “Yeah, as if I wanna watch that sh*t. Maybe if it’s got something to do with us then I’d be worried.”

The taller imp still takes his seat, and Octavia kicks up her feet on the table, scrolling on her phone with Loona. Stolas is sandwiched between his daughter and Blitzo, nervously chuckling. “Oh, I sure do hope not.” His mind is on how much sh*t he’d be in if Lucifer and the other Deadly Sins found out about his grimoire.

00:00:00

The TV screens flickered to black once the timers at the bottom reached zero, and Cameron appeared back on screen, this time more disheveled, as if he was in the middle of something.

“Okay, alright. Broadcast’s on, equipment running… Hello, everybody.” He folds his hands on the table, his camera head turning with a slight click . “I’m back, and I’ve got the next recording all ready to be broadcasted.”

Behind Cameron, a large cable sways back and forth, the USB connector brushing against the other wires hanging from the ceiling and walls. On closer inspection, it’s actually a tail- Cameron’s tail. The sinners aren’t surprised - a lot of them have inhuman features, and a tail wasn’t uncommon. The humans, however, take a closer look, intrigued.

One scientist squints at the dark background. “Is… that a server room? That’s a lot of wires.”

“Hey, what’s with the rectangular holes in the back?” Someone says. “They’re kinda big- is there anything that connects to that large?”

She sniffs, pondering the question. “Too small for a rack server, but too big for any cable… wait. Does it connect to-”

“His tail.” Her coworker, a computer designer, points to Cameron’s USB-tipped tail. “It’s the perfect size to plug in.”

“You think… that’s how he uploads the broadcasts?” The woman begins to shake excitedly, muttering frantically. “The integration between biology and technology… I’ve only seen this in science fiction movies, and not to this extent…”

Cameron taps his hand on the table. “But this time, it’ll follow a… certain group of individuals, instead of the princess.” The human and demon crowds murmur, confused.

He makes a motion that looks like rolling his nonexistent eyes. “Okay, don’t blame me. It’s a pain in the ass to record Miss Morningstar because of her powers, at least that’s what my boss tells me. Not that I believe it…”

Lucifer narrows his eyes cunningly. “... So. He’s not the only one involved in this scheme.” He grips his cane tighter. “And not the ringmaster, either…”

Charlie looks at the sinner on screen in nervous anticipation. “Cameron is the one doing the broadcasting, and he’s able to reach all of Hell and Earth. If that’s the case, he’s ridiculously strong- enough to surpass Alastor and most Overlords. If he’s not the strongest- who is?”

“And what does that say about his boss?” Vaggie thumbs her spear and tests the blade, similarly on edge.

Cameron clears his throat, going back on topic. “Well! Whatever’s coming up, it’s sure to rock your world. People of Earth and Hell…” He spreads his arms in a grandiose gesture. “Prepare to be entertained! ”

The screen flickers back into static for a bit, and then goes to the recording. The episode starts off with Mrs. Mayberry narrating, saying that she was a good person her entire life before it all went down. The scene opens to show her old schoolhouse, greeting her students in the morning.

Ms. Mayberry freezes, ducking behind Charlie as every eye in the Hazbin Hotel turned her way.

Charlie gives her a gentle smile. “You looked amazing, ma’am! And I didn’t know you were a teacher!” Lucifer, on the other hand, was eyeing the sinner with curiosity at why exactly she was interesting enough to be focused on.

“Oh- please, it’s absolutely embarrassing.” Mayberry tugs at her collar, flustered. “I really loved my job- still do. I teach some of the hellborn children, now.”

In Imp City, Blitzo freezes up. “Oh f*ck no.” Moxxie and Millie are pale as a sheet, realizing who exactly was on screen.

“Blitzy, are you… alright?” Stolas’ tone is worried.

“f*ck! That’s our second client ever!” He screeches, his tail shooting up. Blitzo jumps up from his seat, and grabs his gun. “It- We’re in big f*cking trouble !”

Millie laughs nervously, playing with a hunting knife. “Oh Blitzo- maybe it’s about her? O-or just a bunch of sinner? You know, like one of those fancy television shows where they interview people!”

Blitzo hisses. “Mills, she said those exact words to me when I asked her. f*cking- we’re f*cked-”

Stolas is wheezing, and not in a good way. “Blitzo-!” The imp whips around, shocked that the owl actually used his name and not a nickname. “Lock the doors, close the windows. I’m going to enchant this place with the strongest wards I have, and we’re going to hope for Hell’s sake that Lucifer doesn’t immediately barge in when he finds out!”

Everyone rushes to lock the doors, and Stolas opens his grimoire and begins to chant. Even Loona is frantically pacing the office, sniffing out any possible cracks.

On Earth, a sizable majority of the people in Minnesota gasped, recognizing the teacher.

“Is that- I remember her!” A woman rummaged through her purse and pulled out her phone, and swiped to a picture of Ms. Mayberry. “That’s my son’s old teacher!”

The rest of the school’s PTA leaned in closer, gossiping. “You mean Sarah Mayberry?” She nods. “The same crazy bitch who killed her husband and that Martha lady?”

Another teacher rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed. “Sarah was a completely fine woman, Becky . You know very well that her husband was a cheating bastard- f*ck, I think the poor thing was the only person who didn’t know that until the end.”

Becky gives out an airy hmph and turns away. “Well, she’s still in the wrong for murder. Honestly, right in front of the children?”

Mrs. Mayberry performs her job as a teacher with enthusiasm, helping the kids sing and tell the time and date. She’s clearly good at her job, with all of the students smiling enthusiastically while they sing.

The people on earth were completely taken aback at how cheerful Mayberry seemed compared to what they expected for someone sent to Hell.

A middle schooler blinked. “She’s- not a bad teacher, damn. I wouldn't hate school if my old elementary teacher was like that.” His classmates nodded, huddling over a single computer as they watched a livestream of the broadcast.

His girlfriend chimed in, scrolling through her phone. “Oh sh*t, she’s actually a recent death!”

“Really?!”

She pulls up a news article. “Some woman in Michigan. Apparently her husband cheated, and she went batsh*t crazy. Was a pretty nice person beforehand though.”

One of the girls in Mrs. Mayberry’s class frowns a little, regretting how she’d brushed the teacher aside after her death. Sure, she was a murderer- but she was one of the best teachers ever. And Mrs. Mayberry really did seem to regret doing it…

Father Smith’s mouth quirked up in a fond smile. “Ah, the joys of teaching the younger generation… I remember my time in Catholic School.”

The man was seated back in the comfortable couch of the church’s office space, his coworkers and friends surrounding him. There was a stack of religious texts and snacks on the coffee table, as they’d expected to be there for a long time watching the broadcast.

Sister Katlyn has the opposite reaction, an unsettled look on her face. “From what I can infer, she seems to be a… recent arrival in Hell. She could be lying or biased with how she said she was good for her entire life- but given how she treats her students, that doesn’t seem to be far off.”

The clergy watched the TV, a growing sense of dread at what that implied.

Somewhere in Hell, Martha snarls, scoffing at Mayberry’s cheery voice. “She was always a f*cking bitch , damn it! I should have known that skan* had something to do with this!”

The former human was currently hiding out in Cannibal Colony, stalking the alleyways. While Martha was a Satanist in her life, she didn’t have enough power to face any of the other sinners prowling the area. Hell- Ralphie had practically disappeared on her and took the children with him, that f*cking coward!

(She didn’t know this, but if it weren’t for a certain imp, he would have never gotten the courage to do so. Ralphie loved Martha, but he loved their children more.)

The boy in the dunce cap reminds Mrs. Mayberry that it’s her husband’s birthday, and she panics, telling the class to stop singing. She exclaims that she forgot it was her husband’s birthday, and that she didn’t get him anything special.

The dunce cap kid, now a middle-school student, freezes. He tugs at his curly hair, a guilty look on his face.

“f*ck- d-don’t tell me… I just remembered… ” His friends, who were lounging around the school hall eating lunch, gave him an odd look. “What?”

He muttered, curling closer into himself. “I shouldn’t have said that. Why, why, why- it’s all my f*cking fault…” His vision tunnels until he’s completely focused on the floor, his chest hurting from guilt.

“Hey- come on, f*ckface!” One of his friends grabs him by the shoulders, clearly worried despite the rude nickname. “Eyes on me. Focus on breathing- what do you mean it’s all your fault? You just told her it was her husband’s birthday- we didn’t know what we were doing, okay? It isn’t your fault.”

Mayberry also shrinks back, stressed at seeing the worst mistake of her life about to be aired out to all of Hell. Vaggie raises her eyebrow, curious. “What? It’s just his birthday, right?”

“... yeah. Just his birthday.” She inhales, running a hand over her horns.

One of her students suggested calling him to give him a surprise, and the scene cuts to her bedroom, the computer screen ringing, It’s clear that her husband was cheating on her, and an unused condom hits the computer screen, accidentally accepting the call. She sees the scene, her face turning red in anger and embarrassment.

The people all over Earth have different reactions to the reveal. Some wince, clearly uncomfortable with the cheating. A few cheaters themselves feel varying degrees of guilt, their mind going to their fiance. One woman awkwardly glances at the car parked outside her house, looks at the broadcast, and decides to cancel her rendezvous with her coworker.

A bunch of highschoolers simultaneously go “OOOOH!” and jump up, freaking out at the scene in front of them.

“Holy f*ck is that unlucky! She just got cucked!” The guy’s girlfriend slapped him upside the head, groaning. “Dude, shut up. That’s a real person.”

The nerd of the group pushes up her glasses, snickering. “Oh come on, Liz. Let him have some fun- besides, wanna know a fun fact?”

“I don’t know why I tolerate you, but fine.”

She smirks, leaning back on the lockers. “Technically, when men get cucked the proper term is cuckold. But when a woman does it, it’s called a cuckquean.”

Liz rolls her eyes. “What, is that French or something?”

“English, actually. Comes from the cuckoo bird.”

“Huh. The more you know.”

Mayberry’s former students grimace, clearly uncomfortable. One guy gags. “Oh sh*t, I remember that. That was not what I wanted to see- at least they didn’t show the actual view.”

His friend, the curly-haired brunette girl, wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Nobody wants to see that sh*t- ugh. I had to get therapy for that.”

One of their newer buddies, a guy from another school, tilted his head. “What, for the unprompted sex scene or the murder?”

The girl gave him a deadpan expression. He winced. “Ok, so both.”

Similarly in Hell, the reactions were more on the amused or irritated side. A few sinners who’d done similar things to Ms. Mayberry sighed. “Same damn reason?” One lady from the 70’s sipped the blood in her wine glass.

A more recent arrival got a funny expression on her face. “Guess it’s just one of those things. Human nature, then.” She swirls her own blood drink, and grumbles. “History repeats itself so f*cking much…”

“H-holy sh*t! The look on her face!” An incubus wheezed, his tail whipping around in amusem*nt. “Honestly, humans make zero sense!”

His coworker, who was busy manning a factory machine at Ozzie’s sex toy assembly line, rolled her eyes. “Really- what is it with the ‘no sex with anybody but me’ sh*t? Doesn’t that person already love you?” The succubus snorts. “Humans are so insecure . Just because they’re f*cking another person doesn’t mean that they don’t love you and want to devote themselves to you.”

“Hey, blame it on the prudes up there.” The incubus makes a gesture pointing up at where Heaven would be. “Always pushing for their ideas of what a relationship should and shouldn’t be like. Eugh.” He sticks his tongue out.

The children are clearly concerned, and Mrs. Mayberry stands up and walk away with a shadowed face. Her student grabs her arm, reminding her that she taught them to “think before you act”. Instead, she grabs the girl’s neck, tossing her through the roof and storming out.

The girl that got tossed winces, and rubs her neck. It wasn’t bruised anymore, but she was still reminded that it happened.

Her friend whistles, clearly impressed. “Damn- was she really that strong? Enough to send you out of the roof?”

She sighs, and leans back on her desk. “Mhm. Even had to wear a brace for a few days.” She pauses, then snickers. “In hindsight, it was probably stupid of me to say that to her.”

Even in Hell, Ms. Mayberry cringes at her violent behavior. “I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on her… I’m a terrible teacher.” Charlie tries to comfort her, patting the sinner on the back.

“Come on, you were just really angry when you did that. We can work on your anger issues- and besides, you were a good person for most of your life. You said so yourself.”

The princess of Hell leans back while Lucifer sighs, pinching his nose. “And this is why we’re overpopulated- why the f*ck is Heaven getting pickier every year? Ugh.”

The children run to the window, seeing her drive her car through the fence. Looking back at the computer, they see as she busts in her house, confronting her husband Jarold. There’s the sound of screaming, gunshots, and a chainsaw, and Jarold’s voice could be heard, terrified.

A man gapes at the brutal sounds of murder on-screen. “A chainsaw? Where the heck did she get that?”

The woman next to him munches on popcorn, treating the whole thing like a true crime documentary she’d watch. “Eh. From what I can see, they live somewhere near a wooded area or forest. Ain’t that weird to have a chainsaw lying around.”

The crowd is lounging around the sidewalk, so much that the small local street was blocked off by some guy’s caution tape and traffic cones.

Someone else squints at the tape and cones. “Hey- is this legal?” The guy who set them up, a scruffy Asian dude, shook his head.

“Nah. But we’re all going to Hell anyway- so what’s a little misdemeanor gonna do?”

“... You stole those traffic cones, didn’t you.”

The guy only grinned slyly. “Hey- not stealing. They’re free to take, and I pay the government my tax money anyway~”

Back in Hell, Ms. Mayberry looks away from the screen, biting her lip until it bled a bit. “Damn it- why- why the f*ck did that asshole air out my sh*t?! I- don’t tell me, I already know I f*cked up, why rub it in more…!”

Charlie exhales a bit, and places her hand on the couch. “Ms. Mayberry- look. It was wrong of you to kill your husband and that woman- but you’re at least regretful about it. Even if you didn’t have the time on Earth to repent for your sins.”

“No- I… may have tried to get revenge, even after my death.” She wilts. “You’re right. But I did try to get back at that woman, even when she was innocent and probably did that on an impulsive whim-”

Charlie tilts her head, confused. “But… you’re already in Hell? And that other lady already died, so you couldn't have hurt her…” Lucifer blinks, and narrows his eyes.

“... She didn’t die, did she.”

A few hundred miles away, Ralphie was busy wiping the counter for a bar in Hell. The Drunk Dragon bar wasn’t the best of places to work at, but it was better than the other bars in Pride, which couldn't go an hour without some shootout or brawl.

He and his kids were making ends meet in Hell, in their new forms as sinners. He looked like a bipedal, massive grizzly with a toothy maw and constantly-closed eyes, and his children also looked like woodland animals. There was a certain irony in how they were now things that hunters killed for sport, just like how they’d hunted people for food and fun.

“Ey, big guy!” Ralphie turns his head to the patron, a slim alligator chugging a can of beer. “Ain’t the broadcast interesting! Man, that Mayberry bitch is crazy…” He cackles. “Got a nice ass though!”

Ralphie huffs, knowing that they didn’t realize he was Martha’s husband. “Yeah, it is.”

Mrs. Mayberry shoots Jarold, sobbing that they could have had a family. The students look away at the computer screen in disgust. Mrs. Mayberry wipes the blood from the screen, a regretful and horrified look on her face. She immediately regrets her actions, and is horrified that she did it in front of the children. She tearfully reminds them to work on their times tables, and shoots herself. The children all faint in shock.

The priest shakes his head, clearly saddened. “A tragedy, to be sure. She was a good woman, albeit flawed.”

Sister Madeline scoffed, more critical and strict in her view of morality and justice. “Father Smith- she is a murderer. Yes, she may have had her virtues, but snuffing out innocent lives warrants her place in Hell.”

“But it was most likely a crime of passion. You see the regret on her face.” Father Smith gestures to the television screen. “If her stay in Hell was temporary and worked towards rehabilitation, yes . Then it would be justified. But you see first-hand how this is meant to be an eternal prison , not a place of repentance.”

“The punishment far outweighs the crime.” Pastor Marty grimaces, and leans back on the chair he was sitting on.

Elsewhere on Earth, a therapist jots down a note on her clipboard. “Note to self- schedule more therapy sessions for the kids.”

The guy next to her raises an eyebrow. “You know them?”

She makes a sound of agreement. “I’m not sure if I should be happy that I’ve got clients and a lot of money from this, or feel sorry that this happened in the first place.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m a lawyer.” The man leans back on the bench, viewing the broadcast in the crowd with her. “Technically what she did counts as a crime of passion- and if she didn’t kill herself, it would be fifteen years of prison at least.”

The lawyer chews on the lollipop in his mouth, pondering. “... If she actually went to prison, then it’d be a gamble. I know some prisons actually set out to rehabilitate… but from what I’ve been seeing, it's similar to Hell. All punishment, no effort at all to correct their behavior.”

One of her former students lets out a distressed chuckle. “H-hey, it was a pretty effective way of making us learn multiplication, right?”

His mother sighs. “Dear, you need your therapy. You’re literally overworking yourself to the point of exhaustion.” The student’s mom scoops him up, placing him on the couch. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I missed when you didn’t do your homework on time.”

Benedict gapes, clearly taken aback at seeing the adultery, murder, and subsequent suicide. “... f*ck, right when I started?” He looks to the chat on his stream. “We’re definitely getting demonetized- hell, I’m getting banned.”

Stream Chat:

☰ All Chat ☆71 ⇗18 ⊽1

Trashtalkerr: Holy hell she chainsaw’d the bitch

runebase2: dude we’re ALL getting banned, I think I saw a schlong somewhere

OwOell: No you didn’t liar, I checked

Spelunki: Is this woman in hell already? Exposition time???

wilfordvods: npc behavior for the husband :/

Zestwisee: f*ck man, right in front of my salad?

[MOD] StacyNeko: @Zestwisee no cursing, TOS still applies to all of us

Zestwisee: they are literally rawdogging on screen, I get to say f*ck

Qwickskope: They got SHOTGUNNED, damn

Federow: gave that woman the journalist-CIA treatment

Ms. Mayberry hides her face, choking in a sob. “No- why- f*cking why?!” She grits her teeth, distressed. The sinner was feeling a mix of her regret, anger at being exposed in such a way, and panicked.

This time, it was Niffty that swooped in to calm her down, placing a cup of tea down for the teacher. “There, there…” The small cyclops awkwardly tried to comfort Mayberry, but she wasn’t the best at consoling others. “I would have done the same thing, dear! You aren’t that different from other people!”

That only made Ms. Mayberry curl in more, and Vaggie shoots Niffty a look that read ‘really, man?’ as she tried to butt in. “Look- Señora Mayberry?” She reaches over, and gently hands the teacup to her. “You’ve regretted what you did, and that’s enough. Sure, the kids are scared- but they’re strong. They’ll recover someday- even if the event did leave a mark on them.”

The demoness sniffs, and breathes in deeply. “R-right. Right.” She wipes her tears with her blouse sleeve.

She complains how she did everything right in life, and still got sent down with “all the Hitlers and Epsteins” in Hell.

The line causes a good majority of humans to complain or murmur in dissension, clearly angry at Heaven. Even a few die-hard religious people pause, unsettled by the reveal.

“... She’s just exaggerating, right?” One Jewish guy says, paling. “Because if that’s the case, it’s bullsh*t .” The person he was dating, a Muslim woman, pinches her nose in frustration. “I am not going down there and dying on a daily basis because of some f*cked-up system-!”

There was an almost-riot in front of a church, the mass of Christians and some other religious folk arguing against the unfairness.

“You mean to say if I just f*ck up once , I’ll get booted down there no matter the severity of my sins?!” A lady snarls, clearly frustrated. “What about complexity? f*cking circ*mstances?!” She hisses under her breath, balling her hand up in a fist. “If a beggar steals because he’s starving to death, or a mother kills to protect her children- what then ?!”

Pastor Marty groans, his worst fears confirmed. “Alright, f*ck. I guess if Heaven is this stringent and unfair, Charlie’s plan would have much more difficulty.”

Father Smith purses his lips, a mix between anger and disillusionment in his stomach as he processes Mayberry’s words. It was like a punch to the gut realizing that what he was working towards was biased and flawed, in the same way that Earth’s own government and society was flawed- if not worse.

“Do… do they at least have accountability up there in Heaven?” He croaks out. “I hope to the Lord that there’s at least some angels up there that do not agree with this.”

Sister Katlyn grips the armrest of her seat. “I doubt it. Knowing how they might see themselves as ‘better’ than us and the demonkin.”

Lucifer and Lillith scoff, knowing very well how Heaven could be. “Not surprising.” Lucifer comments. “They’ve only become more open about their exclusivity after the human population exploded. Says it’s because more people are inherently bad, but we all know it’s because they’re a bunch of elitist pricks.”

Charlie gives her father an unsteady look. “Does- does that mean they won’t accept my project?”

“Exactly why I wanted to discourage you. Didn’t want you getting your hopes up and getting them crushed, sweetie.” He checks his claws in a seemingly absentminded way, but Lillith and Charlie recognize his uneasiness. “... Not like how I did.”

The camera pans down to reveal Imp City, and the outside of an office building. The door reads “I.M.P. Headquarters” with a messy “Meeting in progress :)” sign. Blitzo is bored as a silhouette of Mrs. Mayberry’s demon form paces back and forth.

The humans practically go feral seeing another glimpse of Hell, eager for more knowledge. Several academics nearly went into a stroke from excitement.

“F-f*ckING OFFICE BUILDINGS!” The architecture student wheezed, not sure if he should be happy to see something familiar or offended at how boring the design was. “Why is it so damn similar to our sh*t?”

The engineering student sitting next to him looks annoyed, but just as intrigued. “I dunno. Ask Hugo there.” Hugo, a sociology and history major, was busy hacking and coughing from the sheer shock of seeing the setting.

“The implication! On God, they’ve integrated- integrated human culture from the people sent to hell!” He frantically jotted down ideas on his tablet. “Imagine the historical studies that can be done! Cultural osmosis, but regulated on the basis of death in one civilization!”

Diego, the engineering student, steps back nervously. “H-hey. Calm down, you’re going to pop a blood vessel or something-”

“The delayed acquisition of information and how they build upon human cultures with their own native culture- the implications of immortality while in Hell…”

“I think he’s gonna be like this for an hour or so.” The architecture student is now calm enough, but he’s gripping his chest from the initial shock. “Let’s hope he doesn't die.”

In D.H.O.R.K.S. Headquarters in Washington D.C., Agent One and Two freeze up at seeing Blitzo. Agent Two snarls, surprised and aggravated. “ THAT f*cker!”

What followed was a round of complete chaos for the agents, scrambling to get more screens to better see the broadcast. “Don’t let a single frame of the footage get lost! We need all the intel on the motherf*cker!”

Agent One gripped his gun, annoyed. “Ugh- at least we’ll see what those freaks were really doin’ up here. Doesn’t seem to be an invasion from Hell itself- but you’s never too sure ‘bout that.”

IMP Headquarters was properly locked off and warded with Stolas’ strongest spells, and the gang were busy huddled together and watching the broadcast with Stolas and Octavia. Blitzo makes a hiss-yelp noise as he sees himself on screen, realizing all of Hell and Earth was going to focus on him.

“f*ck, sh*t, piss, Christ on a stick-!” He fiddles with his suit and his tail slaps the table. Stolas internally fawns over how cool and casual Blitzo looks on screen, a small blush rising to his feathers.

Millie and Moxxie are similarly panicking, smoothing over their hair and fretting over their looks. “Darlin’, I didn’t look that bad on that day, right?!” Millie squeaks. “I didn’t even brush that much! Oh, and my scales…”

Moxxie pulls at his bowtie and hacks up a cough. “Oh crumbs- I messed up so badly with the crossbow that day, don’t let your mom and dad see it-!”

Mrs. Mayberry’s demon form is shown, and she’s smoking a cigarette. While her hair and dress are similar, her skin was magenta now and she sported curved horns and claws, clearly disillusioned and angry because of her time in hell.

Lucifer narrows his eyes even more, a suspicious look on his face. “What’s an imp doing with a sinner? And revenge…” He turns to Ms. Mayberry, and she lets out a terrified “eep”.

“Look, L-Lord Lucifer?” Her voice is shaky. “I- May have gone to the advertisem*nt they posted out?”

“What did their advertisem*nt say , exactly?” The king of Hell decides to change his approach, and relaxes a bit to make the sinner feel less threatened. “I promise I will not harm you- curiosity is no sin, after all.”

The biologists in the Malibu bar were jotting down notes, their eyes glued to the screen. “Oh, not this is what I’m talking about!” The woman grins like a maniac, quickly taking a picture of Ms. Mayberry’s new demon form and comparing it to her previous human appearance. “Fascinating- and it seems that while there are major differences in the morphology itself, her main identifying features stayed the same!”

Her colleague nodded, pointing to her glasses and hair. “Again, this may be because of her preferences- but the fact that her new form even has the same length of hair is interesting. And the need for glasses implies that her nearsightedness carried over into the afterlife…”

The other scientists perked up, continuing to rant and chatter like birds.

“And the appearance of that other demon- I have a feeling he’s not like the other demons in the ‘sinner’ subcategory.” One man concludes.

Ms. Mayberry’s past students and people that knew her immediately shoved to get a closer look at her new appearance.

“She’s… definitely more mean-looking.” The girl said, chewing on some school lunch. “... Is it bad that I missed seeing her happy?” The other kids nodded, murmuring in agreement.

“Mrs. Mayberry was really nice to us… even if she did end up all angry and crazy.”

The PTA group in Minnesota watching their former coworker had mixed reactions. Becky huffed, annoyed. “Ugh. Even in death, Sarah keeps that sh*tty hairband of hers.”

The teacher in front of her turned around. “Seriously, what is your problem with Sarah? I know she’s a murderer, but at least have some class !”

“Ignore her, Mr. Richmond.” His coworker said. “Becky’s an old rival of Mayberry. Been this way ever since high school, the both of them.”

Mr. Richmond sighs, and mutters. “Seriously- she’s already dead. How childish can you get?”

Blitzo asks if she was hotter, and Mrs. Mayberry seethes. Blitzo explains that they took revenge on the living, and that the cheater was probably down in hell with her.

Lucifer’s eye twitches in anger. “So. ‘Take revenge on the living’, hm?” He groans, his anger replaced with frustration. “The sheer f*cking drama that’s going to happen if Heaven finds out about this-! I’m not getting their whiny asses down here!”

Charlie looked at her father in worry as he ranted about “improper use of Asmodean crystals” and “unauthorized access”. “Dad- really. Is this a bad time?”

“Yes-!” He inhales, then sighs to calm down before he could yell at his daughter. “Look- I’ll probably deal with this after the transmission. Because it seems to be the bigger problem here.”

Lilith bites her lip, clearly focusing on the matter. “Hm. Mayberry, was it?” The mentioned sinner froze up again, clearly nervous. “If you simply paid for their services, then no need to worry. They will be the one facing repercussions- it wasn’t your fault if you didn’t know the business was legitimate or not.”

“R-right- thank you, your majesty.” Ms. Mayberry sits back down tensely.

The sinners watching the pride ring immediately snap to attention at Blitzo’s words. “Revenge on the living?”

A few sinister grins were exchanged. “Interesting!” A rabbit sinner wearing a casino tux spins a gun in his hands. “And they’re taking hits out on anyone back on Earth?”

The other sinner in the bar scoffs, fiddling with the playing cards in his hands. “Well, maybe not all. It’s not like they’re idiotic enough to go after a big shot like the president of the US.”

“But still.” The rabbit grins, revealing his wolf-like teeth. “I could get back at that snarky bastard for ratting me out, and all of his rat friends…”

Another sinner in a nightclub gapes. “Wait wait wait- you guys have a f*cking way to get to Earth?” The other desperate souls around him crowd the TV.

The succubus texting on her phone looks up, a bored look on her face despite the chaos. “Yeah. I got the details- but you probably won’t like it.”

“Come on- f*ck, I’ll do anything , I just want to see my kids and wife again!” The sinner, a fluffy black sheep with burning wool, makes a pleading motion with his hooves. “Please!”

The succubus looks up, and rolls her eyes. “The most common way is with Asmodean crystals- which are made and distributed in the Lust Ring only.” There’s a twinge of envy in her face. “ Unfortunately , only the most famous succubi get them to travel to Earth and seduce humans to sin.”

“... Explain?” The sinners are eagerly crowding around her now.

“Look- anything that travels to the human realm is highly regulated. All Asmodean crystals are tracked by Asmodeus and the higher-ups in Lust.” The succubus continues. “I don’t have one- unfortunately. And you’d be suicidal to steal one, because the bitches that have them are always highly guarded.”

Back on Earth, the humans watching the transmission jump on Blitzo’s words.

“What the f*ck- ‘the living’?! He has a f*cking way to get here?!” A conspiracy theorist tugged at his hair. “I f*cking knew it! The government really is run by lizard people and demons!”

His brother whacked him on the back, irritated. “No, you f*cking dolt- it’s probably really rare for them or something. After all, this looks like a private business- not a f*cking federal one.”

“Still,” A nearby lady clears her throat, shifting in her lawn chair. “It’s unsettling to know that people in Hell can just… order revenge, if they wanted.”

“Oh, I know this- looks more like my own office!” Some guy pipes up. The conspiracy theorist and his friends turn to look at him and blanch, seeing the bulletproof vest he wore with the “Agent” tag.

“I’m a hired gun for the police department- but technically, it’s just another term for ‘mercenary’.” He chews at the pencil in his hand. “So I’m guessing he’s either that, or an assassin.”

“An assassin from Hell…” The crowd murmurs. The mercenary scoffs. “Probably should be careful about who we screw over, then.”

A younger teen from the crowd leans back on his own folding chair. “Eck- too f*cking edgy. Can’t believe some people’s Deviantart OC backstories are true .”

Mrs. Mayberry explains that the woman survived, and the scene pans to Martha in the hospital with her husband and children. While being interviewed, Martha is given a check for 2 million dollars, and cameras flash.

In the Hazbin Hotel, Ms. Mayberry wipes her eyes, her terror turning into slight annoyance. “... Okay. Fine- she probably needs it to pay off her medical debt and therapy. Healthcare is expensive.” She justifies.

Charlie gives the teacher a gentle smile. “You see! She probably forgives you, of course. You made a genuine mistake, and both you and her are recovering from it.”

Mayberry squints closer at the check, and makes a “huh” sound. “Didn’t know her name was Martha. And her children look sweet and kind- oh, I would have loved to teach them.” She sighs. “Oh well. Can’t go back and fix it now.”

Angel Dust snorts, and grins sharply. “Ey, that lady’s hubby looks mighty fine! Wonder if he’s up for grabs, too~” He snickers, and Vaggie gives him an annoyed glare.

Another off-duty news reporter twitches at the cursing on the broadcast. “For f*ck’s sake- I know she’s a murderer, but did you really have to call her that? Unprofessional.” He sniffs in disdain.

The crowd around him agrees, but someone gives a nervous smile. “Hey, maybe they’re having an off day, or Minnesota is just like that. You know?” The shorter man tries to give the reporter the benefit of the doubt.

The scene changes to Martha and her family standing in front of a lakeside cabin. Mayberry explains that Martha got so much money from the donations and talkshows, and that getting shot was the best thing that happened to her. Reporters from VNN and random citizens praised her for being a hero.

Ms. Mayberry inhales, and exhales slowly, trying to calm herself more. “Okay, okay!” Her tone was slightly more annoyed. “It was probably a slow news day- you know how boring it is in Missouri. And VNN was always really biased, you know that!” She says to herself.

Charlie gets a more miffed expression on her face, realizing how seeing the cheater get repeatedly praised might affect her. “Ms. Mayberry- focus on me, okay? They’re most likely biased because of their viewpoint- and she’s not a hero. Only a victim. Are you with me?”

The teacher bites her lip, and grips the couch before letting go. “Right. Thank you, Miss Morningstar.”

The princess of Hell nods, a relieved look on her face.

Some of the women in Hell have similar reactions, mostly annoyance and frustration. A Medusa-like sinner in 90’s clothing pinched the bridge of her nose, hissing. “If that was me-! Understandable.”

“Really, what was so good about that skan*?” Her girlfriend, a more recent arrival in Hell, snarled. She looked doglike- almost like a hellhound, but she was a sinner nonetheless. “If that bitch wasn’t married I would understand- but she went after another man! When she was f*cking married!”

“So she probably knew Mayberry’s husband was married, and did it anyway.” There was a round of disapproval from the gathering of women.

The jogger and cashier perked up at being mentioned, but made a face realizing that it probably wasn’t good that they pissed off the woman in Hell.

“... On second thought, I shouldn’t have praised a woman that cheated on her husband.” The jogger winced.

Even her husband praises her during sex, and ironically, the scene shows an old priest calling her a hero. Worst of all, Martha visited Mrs. Mayberry’s old classroom for a “how to deal with trauma 101” lecture, and Mayberry’s former students praised her.

A large wave of embarrassed squeaks and frantic scrambling ensued to look away from the brief sex scene. Benedict’s own stream chat was going wild, with him frantically moving a square over the display. It was highly unlikely that any of them actually knew what sex was, much less have had it.

Stream Chat:

☰ All Chat ☆75 ⇗20 ⊽2

aracover: SEX AAA

tegice: SEX

Rockgyma: SEX

erident: SEX

Youtubby: SEX

[MOD] aibarre: please no sex mention. We’re on thin ice with twitch staff

LuvsArts: STAFF CAN SUCK MY DICK AND BALLS

meridian: SEX

LuvsArts was banned from the stream.

Father Smith makes an offended noise. “Really-! He should not have praised her for such adulterous acts, even if she is a victim!” The younger priest sips a cup of water, and lets out a strangled sigh. “He might not have known- right. Everyone makes mistakes.”

Sister Madeline turned her nose up, and sneered. “Harlot.”

“Madeline. You know better than to judge others- our job is to forgive .” Sister Katlyn folds her hands together. “I know your personal aversion towards any romance and… coitus, but understand that different people have different needs.”

Ms. Mayberry’s former students made a noise as if they’d been punched. “Agh- forgot about that.” Another round of guilt washed over them- inviting the woman that their teacher shot was probably tasteless, and saying that was also harsh.

Some guy unintentionally made it worse, whistling. “Sheesh. Kinda harsh to let the woman who cheated on your dead teacher in her own classroom.” One student squeaked sadly. “ sh*t .”

“... Sorry, Mrs. Mayberry.” The girl whimpered. She could only hope that her teacher forgave her in Hell, if she was watching the broadcast too.

Ms. Mayberry goes completely quiet when she sees her students and Martha in her classroom. Charlie pauses, and tentatively reaches out. “Ms. Mayberry?”

“...” She was still completely quiet, and even Angel Dust scooted away a bit, anticipating the certain blowup.

“... Was I really that bad of a teacher?” Her voice is wobbly, and Charlie realizes that she’s holding back tears again. “They replaced me that quickly, and-”

Vaggie’s face falls, and she leans over to the sinner. “Mayberry- come on-”

“I- I traumatized them, and of course they had to ask the only other person I hurt for help…” Ms. Mayberry’s lip twitches as she cries. “G-god, I’m so sorry-!”

Lucifer seems slightly annoyed at the mention of his Father, but ignores it. Charlie tries to calm her down again, panicking. “Please- i-it’s not that bad, you’ve got your students in Hell now-!”

“I-I miss my students!” She bawls. “T-they were like my own children!”

“I-I’m sure you do, Ms. Mayberry. Nobody’s fully at fault because of this.” Charlie shushes her softly.

Martha is shown cheating on her husband with another man in their own bed, who calls her a hero.

Cue another round of scandalized gasps and scrambling to cover their eyes in the human world. Hell was much more nonchalant about seeing it, since it was tame compared to some of the sh*t on their own channels.

“Are you f*cking kidding me- again?!” Even Becky from the PTA was annoyed at Martha’s repeated cheating. “In her own bed, too?!”

The people who’d praised Martha for being a hero were beginning to get second thoughts. “Really- she’s willing to risk it again?” One lady in the crown turns his nose up in disdain. “I mean, at this point she’s either dumb, vindictive, or just an asshole.”

The woman next to her blinks, and squints closer at the man plowing Martha. “... Wait a second. Isn’t that your boyfriend?”

She pauses, then her face erupts in fury. “That motherf*cking-!” She storms off, and her friend hopes that she didn’t just cause a repeat of the incident.

Sister Madeline let out a disgusted snort. “See?! Adultery! She didn’t learn her lesson at all!”

The other nun paused, then sighed. “Fine. You have a point this time.”

Father Smith only had a disappointed expression on his face. “... Making the same mistake twice is unwise.” Pastor Marty gives him a look, knowing that when Smith called something “unwise”, it meant he was really frustrated or disappointed with someone. The priest was unwilling to be rude or highly critical of anyone, even if he wanted to be.

Ralphie sighs, already used to his ex-wife’s cheating. Now that he looked back on it, their relationship was really unbalanced - she always told him what to do, and only she was allowed to see other men, not the other way around…

The group of women in Hell were absolutely floored at Martha’s sheer stupidity or pettiness. “In her own f*cking bed- right after-!”

The Medusa sinner screeches, slamming her hand down on the coffee table. “That bitch is worse than the whor* that pulled my ex-husband, and you know she did that to get back at me!”

Her girlfriend soothed her, rubbing circles on her back. “Look, calm down. It’s not our business to care about her problems, and we’ve already got our revenge. Okay?”

She sighs, and focuses back on her girlfriend. “Mhm- fine. Just fine.” There was still an angry edge in her voice, but it was faint.

Ironically, Ms. Mayberry herself was still too distressed to focus on Martha’s continued adultery.

Back in Hell, Mrs. Mayberry screams that Martha wasn’t a hero. Blitzo is clearly frightened, and agrees with her hastily. He frantically presses the “deranged client” button under his desk, which was next to the “more coffee”, “soiled my pants”, “horny client”, “Client giving birth”, “Ghost, and “Stolas” buttons.

The human crowd blinks at the random buttons, clearly confused. “... The ‘more coffee’ and ‘deranged client’ ones I can understand. But… ghost?”

One person in the bar gives a dubious look. “Sure. Might as well have ghosts in Hell, you’ve already got everybody else down there.” He throws up his hands in defeat.”

“I’m more concerned about the ‘client giving birth’ button.” He gets a squeamish look on his face. “... I don’t even want to know when that’ll be used.”

In the D.H.O.R.K.S. Headquarters, Agent Two takes a closer look at the buttons. “The f*ck’s a ‘Stolas’?”

Agent One perked up, and some of the other agents rummaged around to find books on demonology. “Oh! I think I know this one- heard’ve it before, somewhere…”

“Got it, One.” An agent pulled up her laptop, scanning the wikipedia page. “Stolas- also known as Stolos, Stoppos or Solas- is mentioned in the Lesser Key of Solomon. One of the Great Princes of Hell, known for teaching astronomy, botany, and precious stones.”

“And from what it seems…” She squints closer at the illustration. “He’s also depicted as a raven, or a crowned owl with long legs.”

Agent One and Two stand still for a moment, then rush to their old cameras. They pull up the footage from when I.M.P. broke into the base, and skipped towards the part with Stolas.

“And it looks like we’ve got a match.” Agent Two shudders, remembering how the possession felt. “We didn’t stand a chance against him- and for good reason.”

Agent One grits his teeth, but keeps his cool. “Fine. It looks like those lizards are affiliated with royalty.”

The diplomacy team sitting next to the agents felt the upcoming headache. “f*cking Hell…” They hoped to whatever higher power was still around that the two idiots wouldn’t act rashly.

Stolas gives Blitzo a look, and the tall imp gives it back. “Okay, you know how distracting you can get sometimes, right? I need something to get me back on track.”

“Right- that I can understand. But ghosts? We’re in Hell, Blitzo. We’re surrounded by dead people already.” Moxxie says.

Blitzo huffs, and turns his head up. “Moxx, you’ll never know. What if a ghost barges in, huh? What then?” Moxxie gives him a deadpan expression.

“And have you used any of the other buttons, Blitzy?” Stolas tilts his head.

Loona answers for him. “Mhm. At least once a month. For the coffee, he uses it daily.” She only occasionally checks her phone, mostly focusing on the broadcast now.

Lucifer raises an eyebrow, noting the “Stolas” button under Blitzo’s desk. “What does Stolas Goetia have to do with this?”

Incidentally, Stolas felt a chill go down his spine, hooting nervously.

Chapter 9: Helluva Boss (S1E1) - Murder Family (Part 2)

Chapter Text

Sure, the Imps were barricaded in the building with one of the princes of Hell- but the fact that all of Earth and Hell had their eyes on them was unsettling. Blitzo fiddled with his pistol, unlatching and latching it- he’s thinking about what would happen if Lucifer and the other sins, even the other Goetias, would do if they found out about his and Stolas’ deal.

“Blitzy. It’s- it’s going to be fine, I can probably strike up a good enough deal, do damage control-” Stolas reached out, trying to comfort Blitzo. He’s clearly worried as well, his feathers standing up on its ends.

Blitzo waved him off, the same as always. “Oh, come on, f*ckin’ birdbrain. We both know this spell ain’t gonna do sh*t when Lucifer or the others break in and f*ck our asses.” His claws are shaking a bit.

The camera pans to Moxxie shakily holding a crossbow and pointing it at a picture of a family. Millie tells him to stop shaking, or he’d shoot “their only hellhound”. Loona lies on the couch scrolling on her phone and holding the picture with her other hand. She sarcastically says that she feels loved.

Niffty freezes up, her hand twitching at the messy office. Husk lets out an impressed whistle. “Didn’t know there was a more run-down place than the Hotel.”

Charlie gives him an unamused look and Lucifer pats his daughter on the back. “Look, sweetie- we can always fix up the hotel. Even if your friends are…” He glances at the sinners. “... nevermind that!” It seems the king of hell is still wary about sinners.

Lilith huffs, and gives Lucifer the look. He returns it with a sheepish shrug.

Loona glares at Millie and Moxxie a bit, but sighs. “Whatever. You guys aren’t that bad anymore.”

Moxxie blinks, oblivious to what was wrong with Millie’s statement. Thankfully, Blitzo steps in, pinching the bridge of his snout. “Millie, look- it’s kind of offensive when you refer to Loonie like that? She’s not a pet, she’s my daughter , f*ck’s sake.”

Millie gasps and immediately shrinks back a bit. “Oh, sh*t- sorry Loona. Should’ve shut my trap there.” It was widely known that hellhounds were on the bottom of the hierarchy of hell with Imps, but despite being better regarded, most still had the connotation of being personal guards or pets for higher-ranking demons.

Back on Earth, the biologist and her coworkers were practically trembling in excitement from seeing completely new, sapient species. They’d already suspected it when the broadcast implied that not all demons in hells were once-human sinners, but this was the icing on the cake.

“Yes! Holy sh*t- there’s actual extraterrestrial life out there, if Hell is just some planet!” The biologist whoops in joy. “And since those reptilian-looking ones show some similar traits… they might actually be the first species we’ve seen!”

The furry coworker was elbowed by someone else, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows. “Eyyy, there’s actually hellhounds down there, if what we’re seeing is right. And with the way she’s looking…”

She groaned, hiding her face in her hands. “I hate you guys.” Stll, she was just as hyped to see that actual an actual anthropomorphic species was real- even if it was just possibly canines.

Moxxie is clearly reluctant to kill an innocent family, but Millie responds that if that’s what the client wants, he had to do it. Moxxie comments that it’s okay if it’s a sh*tty dad or a mob family, but balks at killing a whole bloodline. Loona looks at the picture and tells Moxxie that he doesn’t know if they’re innocent, listing off possibilities. Millie agrees, saying that humans were full of “secret nasties”, which was why they were down there. She explains that guilty and innocent wasn’t their business, and that killing who they were paid to was.

The priest hums, actually impressed with Moxxie’s unexpected softness. “It is nice to see that demon spawn can actually be merciful - and especially surprising, considering what I could see from Hell’s environment.

Pastor Marty rolls his eyes and has the urge to kick his feet up on the desk. “Of course you would say that, Smith. You’d forgive a wolf if it fed on a sheep.” He’s less fond of the hellborn, but he still gives them a chance. Perhaps it’s his bias towards humanity.

A woman watching the transmission at home in bed with her husband giggles, giving him a similar kiss on the cheek. “Honey- doesn’t it remind you of us?”

He laughs, and nuzzles her back. “I doubt I’d wear something as dapper as his, and I can’t shoot a gun for sh*t, sweetie.”

In the Greed Ring, a certain house in Notamafia Town has it’s vintage TV turned on, catching the broadcast. Crimson sneers and hisses as his son’s comment. “You’re getting out of line , son. Watch your mouth.”

The mob boss’ hand cracks the champagne flute in anger. The rest of the loan sharks flanking him winced, clearly uncomfortable at their boss’ vitriol. One wrong move, and they’d end up on the wall as well…

Right as Moxxie aims his crossbow, Blitz walks in with the client, startling him. The arrow ricochets around the room, nailing the family picture and wobbling the eel tank. It flies towards Mrs. Mayberry, and Blitzo catches it. The eel tank falls down, and the electric eels set the room on fire.

Mayberry makes the same shocked face she does on the broadcast, her tail straightening up like a scared cat. A good majority of the sinners in the Hazbin Hotel wince. Alastor, on the other hand, chuckles a bit.

“What a good catch!” He commented, as if looking at a circus act. The deer sinner didn’t seem to care that Mayberry was right next to them.

Sir Pentious, who had joined them a few minutes ago and was leaning on the couch, squinted at the screen. “Why eelsss? It’sss not asss if there isssn’t any other fish in Hell.”

The human crowd winces, a few people looking for jobs feeling especially sympathetic. “Sucks when they just happen to walk right into there.” Some guy said, smoking a cigarette. He taps it on the corner of the concrete pole by his side. “You should see how unlucky I was, tripping and falling on my first interview.”

His now-coworker scoffed. “Honestly, its a surprise you got the job after setting it on fire. Hell, it was exactly like the broadcast, buddy- minus the eels and crossbow, I suppose.”

Later, imp firefighters carry the eels away as Mrs. Mayberry drives off in a taxi. Blitzo promises that they’d kill Martha in 24 hours or less or the first kill would be free. Moxxie questions when they started implementing the deal, and Blitzo glares at him, yelling that it was when he set his office on fire in front of a client.

A few human firefighters made noises of agreement and nodded when they saw the imp firefighters. One of the other ones elbowed his friend, snickering.

“Ey look, you ain’t the shortest anymore! That guy’s turnout coat’s practically draggin’ on the street!” He points at the shorter imp. His friend, the shortest firefighter around, rolls his eyes.

Another guy on the couches hummed, leaning back. “Kinda cool how their bunker gear’s specifically made for them. Sure, the tail’s sticking out too much and it’s a tripping hazard, but I doubt they can do anything about that.”

More of the biologists pushed forward and squinted to see the new imps, curious to see the physical characteristics.

“They seem reptilian in nature- so why do some have hair?” A herpetologist chewed on the end of her pencil, noting how Moxxie, Millie, and the taller firefighter had hair while Blitzo and the smaller one didn’t.

Her peer nodded, crossing their legs as they scooted forward with the rolling chair. “Yeah. That’s interesting- what about the white markings on their skin? Is it genetic?” The specialists chattered amongst themselves, scribbling on their notebooks and whiteboards.

The human employees from before simply cringed. “That was a pretty delayed reaction. Honestly, not bad compared to the rant my supervisor gave me.”

His coworker patted him on the back.

Millie gives a slight glare to Blitzo, who simply throws up his hands. “Look, he’s doing better now. Not my fault it went tit* up.” The taller imp scoffed, and Stolas sighed, shaking his head.

Blitzo pushes Moxxie aside, asking if the “fancy book” is still intact. Loona pulls up the grimoire while texting on her phone, calling it their “only ticket to the other side” and confirming that it was safe.

Immediately when the book was shown, a bunch of hellspawn and sinners immediately snapped to look at it. The sinners in the nightclub specifically looked to the succubus, expecting answers.

Even she gives a confused shrug and watched the screen with interest. “Look, I don’t know what that book is either.”

She taps her claws on the counter, pondering. “But if you ask me, I bet an artifact like that is from one of the upper ranks of hellborn. I’m talking Goetias, or maybe even Sins. But if that’s the case…”

A gruff frog demon crossed his arms together. “Either that Imp’s got connections, or he’s in deep sh*t for being a thief.”

The nightclub exploded in wild speculation, clearly curious as to how Blitzo got a hold of the Grimoire.

Lucifer freezes up at the sight of the Grimoire, and groans again. “This is even worse! Asmodean crystals, I can deal with. But a f*cking spellbook?! I can’t believe the amount of paperwork I’m gonna have to do! ”

Lilith comforts him while Charlie looks at him in confusion. “Wait, spellbook?”

Alastor tilts his head and his smile grows wider in interest. The rest of the sinners are listening as well as Lucifer explains.

“So, a bunch of the Goetias and the other sins have artifacts in their private storages- either leftovers from the war or stuff made to do their jobs. I think one of them was this exact spellbook, but I’m not sure who I gave it to ages ago.”

Paimon is watching the transmission with a bunch of other high-ranking Goetias, the massive flatscreen TV mounted on a fancy gold frame. The opulent sitting room was somehow gaudy and classy, with a gold crystal chandelier and black walls. Of course, it was their job as the Ars Goetia to report and record any major happenings in Hell, and this broadcast was one of the biggest events in a century.

Stella, seated next to her brother Andrealphus, took another sip of her wine and gossiped. “You know, I honestly don’t know why that upstart is looking at the imp my husband f*cked ; it’s honestly quite terrible! Terribly pathetic!”

The rest of the bird demons cawed and chirped in laughter, a few staying silent out of annoyance. Paimon glanced at the screen for a second, and did a double take before spitting out his drink.

He recognized that grimoire. After all, he’d worked with it for centuries, written in it, and handed it personally to one of his children.

“ STOLAAAS !”

In the I.M.P. office, Stolas nervously hooted again, scooting closer to Blitzo. The imp looked at him in annoyed confusion, but just let it slide for now.

Blitzo baby-talks his daughter, and asks if she wants a treat. When Loona rejects it, Blitzo eats the dog biscuit for himself. Loona calls him gross while Millie opens a portal to the human world using the grimoire. Blitzo, amused, tells her that he already got enough of that from his therapist. The team walk through the portal, and Moxxie is clearly irritated.

The humans gawk at the grimoire being used to open a portal on-screen. One woman eyes the book in confusion.

“That looks like, way too fancy. Their office is run down and the rest of the city’s looking like a sh*thole.” Her friend stares at the runes on the cover, trying to decipher them. “Yeah… I don’t think they normally have this kind of magic.”

A military officer raises an eyebrow, thinking the same thing. The soldiers gathering intel from the transmission tilt their heads. He barks out an order. “Any of you boys know the Bible well enough for this?!”

The man next to him shakes his head. “No- I don’t think this is in the Bible, sir. Nothing we’ve been shown fits exactly with Christian lore- but I suggest we do some digging in related works like Dante’s Inferno or the Lesser Key of Solomon.”

“Copy that.” Another soldier gets to researching.

The scientists in particular focused on how Blitzo’s tongue was forked, but also functioned like a frog’s tongue for a moment.

One guy was close to tearing his hair out from stress. “IS HE A REPTILE OR AMPHIBIAN OR WHATEVER THE f*ck?! THEY HAVE HAIR!!! HAIR !!!”

The scientist next to him was chugging a bottle of Monster Energy. “Hey, that’s the least of the concerns. I think one of the physicists died of a heart attack after thinking about the portal too hard.” He points to the woman slumped over her desk, drooling. Fortunately, she wasn’t dead, but she wanted to be.

“Portals… god damn portals…”

All three imps end up in front of Martha’s house during sunset. Blitzo and Moxxie hide in the bushes, and Blitzo asks if Moxxie wanted to do the job.

A human real estate agent eyed the scene, impressed at Martha’s house. “Not bad! Lakeside property in a nice forest… that’s got to be around 800k at least.”

The guy next to him gives a confused “huh” at the sheer idea of someone just casually commenting on housing during the middle of an assassination. “She’s going to get domed and you’re out here talking profit?”

He shrugs. “I’m going to Hell anyway. Might as well do it because of my special interest.”

“You’re autistic and you’re hyperfixated on housing prices???”

Back in Hell, Blitzo rolls his eyes and scoffs. “I shouldn’t have done that, f*ck’s sake.” He absently plays with a knife with an irritated expression, but inside he’s a bit more understanding. Blitzo’s mind wandered to his own mother.

Moxxie is initially surprised at Blitzo’s friendliness, but his face falls as he sees Martha and her family innocently having dinner. In the background, their house discreetly has a terrified human head mounted on the wall and several guns.

Mayberry and the rest of the demons in the Hazbin Hotel are too busy wincing, feeling bad for the innocent-looking woman on screen. Only Alastor and Lillith seemed to notice the grisly decor while the others panicked at the gun being pointed at Martha onscreen.

The schoolteacher fretted. “I didn’t even… I should have thought about her children! If that imp shot her-!”

Charlie was similarly nervous, Vaggie at her side to calm her down again. “Charlie, you don’t have to look if you have to.”

“B-but-! This is so messed up! I know they’ve got a job and the lady did a bad thing, but she has a family!”

Alastor’s chuckle was easily lost behind all of the shouting as he muttered to himself. “Amateurs. Displaying their work where anybody can see…”

Stolas squinted at the transmission on screen. “... Blitzy. That is a human head mounted in the background.”

Blitzo groans, rolling his eyes. “Yes, Stolas, I know. Crazy bitch- we figured it out too late.” He waves his knife around a bit to emphasize. “Let me tell you, those f*ckers were way too strong. Like, they were our second ever kill, but this is ridiculous!”

Millie’s tail whips in agreement. “Yeah, right! That tall man- he knocked me out like a light with a bottle! A bottle! I tell y’all, my pa would be ‘shamed if he saw me like that!”

Stolas, familiar with Millie’s strength after the kidnapping incident with Striker, felt that something was amiss with the family.

Elsewhere, a human crowd rose in slight panic seeing Martha nuzzle her husband innocently, knowing that she would most likely die in an encounter with three armed demons.

“Get out of there! I know you’re a cheating bitch, but this is too much!”

“I feel bad about this…” Someone says, clearly uncomfortable about possibly seeing another death on screen.

One person, however, didn’t fall for the trap. “Guys. Guys! Look-” She sighs, and gestures to the guns and head mounted on the wall behind the family. “What the f*ck is that?”

A detective squints, and blanches. A few civilians gag in disgust. “Holy sh*t - where did that come from?!”

The detective, an older woman with steel-rimmed glasses, narrowed her eyes. “There’s something going on with that woman, and I don’t think it’s just the adultery.”

Martha’s face is seen innocently blinking in the scope, her doe eyes blinking innocently. Blitzo is completely down to kill her, saying that they were “ruining a family”.

Moxxie looks at Blitzo with a “what the f*ck” expression, and Blitzo throws his hands up again.

“Look, okay, I was projecting! Now can you please shut the f*ck up and look at the TV again before I shoot it!”

Stolas groans, clearly sensing Blitzo’s avoidance on the topic. The imp should really start opening up instead of doing this sh*t.

The human priest and his cohorts back on Earth had varying reactions. Father Smith was simply looking at the screen with utter disappointment with Blitzo’s words, while Pastor Marty yells out in shock.

“What- what in God’s name? Can they do this?” He shoves his water aside for a better look.

Sister Katlyn didn’t seem too keen on the violence, covering her eyes. Only Madeline was looking at the screen quietly, her hand twitching a bit. It seems that she’s seen the grisly trophies decorating the room- but hasn’t said anything, for some reason.

Benedict’s stream chat was going wild, but not in the way you would expect. The weapons nut was way too focused on the sniper to care about the woman. “Oh sh*t chat, is that an actual demonic weapon? The scope and decals look sick.”

He takes a swig of his GFuel and zooms in on the screen. “From the back, I think it’s a Barret MRAD of some sort, albeit with a lot of mods and customization.”

Stream Chat:

☰ All Chat ☆75 ⇗20 ⊽2

aracover: headshot

2ndAmenAngel: come on, let us see the specs, we wanna see the specs

ligmaaa: bruh

meridian: please, why the heck are we doing this we’re gonna get banned

Youtubby: booba

[MOD] StacyNeko: Ok I gotta admit, this is interesting- do they have human weapons down there?

Spelunki: ofc they do dumbass, there’s sinners being sent down there every time someone dies

Spelunki was banned from the stream

Moxxie lifts up Blitzo’s gun, making the bullet hit a glass mirror. All four family members gasp in fear, but Ralphie gets an evil grin on his face, co*cking his rifle and saying that whatever it was, it was going to be “tomorrow night’s dinner”.

Charlie let out a relieved sigh at how Moxxie knocked the gun up, saving Martha. Mayberry was similarly relieved, but her face turned into a frown as Ralphie pulled out a shotgun. “That’s not safe at all- what about the children?”

The priest’s disappointment turned into slight surprise and approval as he saw the smaller imp prevent his boss from shooting the woman. Father Smith nodded, his face smiling a bit. “Hm! Good to see that some demons have good in them. That young… man? He has a good heart.”

The human crowd had varying reactions- the more patriotic humans were cheering at Ralphie co*cking the gun, while more rational people felt something off from the man.

“YEAHHH! Look at that- that’s a true American right there! Second amendment in action!” One old man yelled, a dinky sunhat and glasses on his face. His grandson, similarly hyped, hooted while shooting a water pistol in the air.

The two were part of a large crowd of people watching the broadcast on a projector outside in a park, the starry night sky above the park that the whole community gathered in. It was like a drive-in theater… except the movie was literally the transmission.

The mothers in the crowd chided the rowdy people. One woman sighed, picking up her baby. “Reckless, honestly. If my husband pulled something like that in front of my kids, I’d tan him.”

Martha also smashes a glass of wine and pulls out a gun, encouraging her children to do so as well. They all seem bloodthirsty and eager to kill. In their house, you could see a lamp made of sewn human skin and two axes mounted on the wall.

The cheers quickly turned to surprise and horror as they saw Martha maliciously pull out the shotgun, and her children follow suit. Several child protective services agents had their hands twitch reflexively, a grimace on their faces.

One pediatrician was having a panic attack. “This keeps on going to the sh*tter. Why do the kids have guns?! Why does the mother have a gun?!” Her friend, a foreign exchange student, gave a shaky grin.

“It’s America? I mean, this is highly illegal, sure, but they can just be a bunch of really radical hicks…”

Another student by their side blinks, slow horror dawning on the guy’s face as he realizes something. “Wait- they heard a gunshot. Why- why did the dad say it was going to be dinner? ”

And that was when they noticed the spine lamp and human-skin lampshade.

Poor Mayberry just looks incredibly confused and distressed, her idea of Martha being a decent woman being shattered. “...Huh?”

Alastor laughs at the sheer confusion in the room, reveling in the chaos. “Oh, it took you so long to realize! Might I say you missed the trophies on their walls?” He was glad to see other cannibals still around in the living world. Goes to show that not a lot of things change over time…

Lucifer looks disgusted, and Lillith has a disdainful look on her face. The fallen angel looks to his daughter with a “Really? Is this who you want to save?” expression on his face.

Charlie is similarly skittish, an uneasy look on her face. “Alastor’s different. And she’s… flawed! Anybody can be redeemed, even if this one is a bit… ehhhh.”

Sir Pentious looks nervous, hissing and hiding behind the couch.

Martha herself, still hiding from the public in hell, cackles as she sees herself on screen. “Awww, I looked perfect right there! Got a hit on that hellish critter and all!” She ducks into an alleyway again, this time one closer to a less crowded TV shop to see the broadcast.

Blitzo is pissed off, berating Moxxie who is panicking. A gunshot goes through the wall and hits Blitzo in the arm, black blood spurting out. All of the imps flee the scene as Ralphie and Martha leap through the large hole with their guns.

The science division is kind of disgusted and horrified seeing the blatant firearm safety violations, but they’re having a blast observing the imps run around. As Blitzo gets shot on screen, they scramble to note that his blood was more of an oily black than red.

“Huh. You think that’s an adaptation of some type, since they live in Hell?” The rest of the scientists shrugged, but put it in their notes.

“Probably temperature regulation. It probably gets hot as hell down there, pardon the pun.” The rest of the coworkers groan at the joke. There’s way too many Hell puns made after the transmission.

Stolas squaks, his hands flying over to where Blitzo was shot. He’s completely healed now, but the Goetia doesn’t seem to care.

“Blitzy! You got hit- oh, why did I not-” Blitzo waves him off, snapping at how Stolas was too close to him.

“It’s nothing, geez!” He scoffs, pulling his arm away. “It’s- let go- perfectly fine now! You know that!”

Loona looks to her father, her eyes falling on the area on his arm. She doesn’t say anything, but her discomfort at his old wound is clear.

Ralphie and Martha walk past the bushes where Moxxie is hiding. After they pass, Moxxie looks around, and is grabbed by one of the children.

Moxxie scrunches his face at being caught by a child. He didn’t like remembering what happened to the kids- they were just doing what they were raised to do.

Just like him. He could see himself in how they held their guns, way too big for them. Just like how his father made him shoot years ago.

The general sinner population was more hyped for the bloodshed, growling and shouting at the conflict. A few were eagerly checking their own guns, the sight of the screen making them antsy for a battle.

Ralphie chases Millie to the lake, and Millie hides under the dock. She breaks through the dock and lands with her knife, fighting Ralphie for a while before he hits her with a glass bottle. She cries and falls to the dock, knocked out.

Back on Millie’s ranch in Wrath, her family was huddled around the old TV, looking at the broadcast like everyone else in Hell. There was a general cry of disappointment when they saw her get knocked out.

“Come on! I raised you better than that- one measly human ain’t going to win!” Her father said. Millie’s mother crossed her arm, and shook her head. “Ain’t her fault- humans are slippery. Something’s-a going on with the folks.”

Millie’s other siblings were worried, their tails swishing like cats as they pushed and shoved for a better look.

A cop also shared the suspicion- elbowing his superior. “Hey. You got a call a few months ago, right? Something about this family?”

The higher-ranking officer balked, not wanting to talk about how the crew had technically blown up a civilian house without a warrant. “Uhhhhh… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Moxxie wakes up tied to the dinner chair with a headless dead body. Both of the kids are grinning sharply and sad*stically.

Mayberry makes an uncomfortable face as she sees the kids, especially with how Moxxie was tied to a corpse chair. She’d had her fair share of troubled children, but this was especially disturbing since she was someone who loved teaching children.

“That isn’t right… kids shouldn’t be doing such things. Martha, that sick, twisted-” Vaggie’s face scrunches up- she’s seen worse in Hell, but this is still bad.

Lucifer doesn’t know what to do, his opinion teetering on the “humans are inherently bad” scale now. He still tries to keep his cheery mood, but even Lillith is seeing him get more depressed.

Husk rolls his eyes as Angel Dust gags. “It ain’t that bad compared to Alastor’s bayou. I swear, I’ve got the stench of rancid blood for days after having a corpse fall on me from a tree…”

The humans watching the broadcast are completely terrified and disgusted now, their thoughts doing a whiplash about Martha and her family. Benedict’s stream, for instance, was beginning to become more rowdy, and the young man had a feeling that something incredibly ban-worthy was going to be shown on camera.

“Aight, dudes- I think we should scrungle this one. Scrungle it?” He drags a pixelated blur filter onto the monitor, blocking chat’s sight. “Get scrungled. I’m not showing heavy gore.”

Stream Chat:

☰ All Chat ☆76 ⇗28 ⊽3

[MOD] StacyNeko: Good call. I have a bad feeling about this

Qwickskope: BOOO LEMME SEE THE GUTS!!! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

OwOell: nah man, you do you. I got my own TV hooked up to see this

Mossmunch: is that a dead body as a chair

oewjf: liveleak moment

runebase2: bruhhh

OwOell: i did not expect to see a dead body today, but here we are

Spelunki: beheading video moment 4k resolution

Dremonhunterr: get outta there little possum man!!! This aint good!!!

kifesteb: not pog

Moxxie tries to defuse the situation, but the kids tell him that it was “nice to have a new critter to play with”. Moxxie looks up, seeing the human heads and limbs mounted on the house walls, and the human skin used to make curtains. On the dinner table, there’s a cooked human body with an apple in its mouth, organs in a bowl nearby. He’s clearly distressed.

Some hellborn and sinners are shocked and disgusted at the sight of so many corpses and grisly decor. One loan shark threw up, running to the bar restroom to heave his alcohol out. The more tame sinners recoiled and averted their eyes. And even for the more brutal ones… there was something uncanny about the trophies on the wall, stretched and distorted to not seem human anymore.

The cannibals in Cannibal Colony can excuse the roast in front of the imp, but not the sheer waste of food on the walls! Rosie, who’s watching the event unfold from the old TV in her parlor, turns her nose up.

“They ruined the roast- it’s all burnt around the sockets and gums! And the entrails in a bowl like that? Are they animals?” The other cannibals agreed, similarly disdainful at the bad combo of flavors and presentation, in their opinion.

The Hotel was filled with gags and people turning away from the screen, clearly nauseated. Charlie and Vaggie are used to the gore, and so are her parents- but Sir Pentious is shivering in the corner, and Husk is gagging. Husk works for Alastor , and he’s disgusted.

Alastor’s eyes narrow. He’s seen worse, but he shares the same opinion as Rosie- that the food was terribly wasted.

Mayberry gags, and looks away. “Okay okay okay - your husband accidentally f*cked a cannibal and murderer! Great! He would have died anyways if you didn’t get to him!” The self-reassurance was not helping her recover from the grisly sight, and she scooted over to a trashcan just in case her stomach needed to empty.

On the human world, there’s more commotion than before. Everybody’s blindsided by the blatant gore, and Ms. Mayberry’s own students are terrified that they let a monster visit their school. The PTA is in a frenzy at the news, trying to see if the woman was still alive or not. To their relief, they found an article a few months ago about her death- looks like Martha won’t be causing any trouble soon.

Still, a bunch of kids and teens just got a bunch of corpses and grisly sh*t shown to them. This isn’t going to be good for their psyche, that’s for sure. A lot of them watching the broadcast burst into tears, crying for their parents, and their parents are similarly horrified and scared. There’s probably a world record about “most pants sh*tted in a day” or “most people throwing up in the world” broken on this day.

Father Smith is visibly nauseous, but he manages to hold it in like a champ. “I suppose some humans are worse than demons, by the Father…” Sister Katlyn instantly shuts up, running out of the room to collect herself. Sister Madeline, on the other hand, snarls viciously. “Disgusting. Truly the scum of the earth.”

Despite all her flaws, her vitriol is justified. And she handled the sight better than the rest of the clergy, who were either screaming from shock or passing out. A commendable feat, for a normal person like her.

The scene cuts to Blitzo running and hiding from Martha, who’s shooting haphazardly with her shotgun. He’s clearly panicked and scared, which doesn’t happen often. Suddenly, Blitzo’s phone rings loudly, and he fumbles to answer it. The phone case has “GFY” with a laughing devil emoji on it. He answers the call, telling Stolas that it was a really bad time.

The humans watching Blitzo run around the forest are now rooting for him to get away from Martha, despite being against him a few moments ago. After all, when a literal crazed murderer has worse standards than a demon, it’s easier to root for the guy trying to killing her.

An artist in a street crowd leans back on his chair, shivering. “Eesh. The lighting is creepy. You think the demon transmitting this edits it to fit the mood?”

The person next to him scoffs. “I don’t doubt it. That camera is way too dramatic to not pass it up- even if it might be his mysterious ‘boss’.”

“Magenta and dark blue… I doubt the night sky looked that dramatic. He’s definitely doing some editing.” He nods in response.

Agent One and Two hiss at the mention of Stolas, with Agent Two rubbing her neck. The rest of the D.H.O.R.K.S. agents and scientists craned forward, curious as to what was going on between Stolas and Blitzo.

One of the agents hum while looking at Blitzo’s smartphone. “It’s a sh*t phone case.” The other agent looks at her with a confused expression at the casual comment.

“I thought you were gonna comment on how normal people can overpower those demons, Roberta.”

Agent Roberta scrunches her face, gagging as she recounts the scene before with Martha’s family “dinner”. “Ough- I don’t think those freaks are ‘normal’ people, babe.”

Back in the Hazbin Hotel, Lucifer snaps his fingers. “Right! Stolas! Oh, I remember him- bright young boy. His daddy’s one of my biggest supporters, although…” The fallen angel makes an iffy face. “Way too stuffy for my liking.”

Lilith nods, and sighs, pinching her nose. “Dearie, Paimon is quite literally one of the fallen angels that fought with you in the war against Heaven millenia ago. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t get kicked out earlier for being insufferable .”

Charlie and Vaggie both have confused looks on their faces. Lucifer explains. “Yeah… he’s a stuck up bitch who tends to hate anyone below him. Even before his fall.”

Angel Dust, confused, waves around a popsicle as he’s watching the broadcast. “Eh? You know I ain’t too deep in politics. You gotta explain.”

The rest of the Ars Goetia were unsteady as Paimon’s grip on his throne cracked the golden handrests, his black feathers ruffling up from shame. “He dares associate with that imp and let him borrow the grimoire?! I gave it to him specifically, for his duties, not to be passed around like-!”

Stella has a smug look on her face as she plots with Andrealphus, assured that her divorce from Stolas would for sure lend some power to herself and her own family.

“I think we’re getting that child support , Andrealphus~!” She laughs, but covers it up with a cough.

Stolas is shown relaxing in his bathtub, the lavish room having an astrology theme. Constellations float around the room, and he’s answering from an old rotary phone in the shape of sunflowers.

Stolas lets out a scandalized and embarrassed caw as he sees himself in the bathtub. It’s mortifying, having your private time be broadcasted throughout all of Hell and Earth. Octavia screeches and pulls down her beanie to cover her eyes.

The rest of the hellspawn were familiar with the Goetias, but they’d only get to see the nobles in newspapers or something. For the sinners, barely any of them knew of the Ars Goetia except from word of mouth- so they stared at the bird demon onscreen.

“Huh- that’s a Goetia?” One of the sinners murmured. He looks… skinny. Twink.” One of the hellborn, a loan shark, hissed and whacked the dolphin sinner up their head.

“Shhh! You don’t know if those uppity pricks can hear you. Besides, I think it’s a him thing, not the entire Goetia thing.”

Another sinner, a dragon-like seahorse, admired the bathroom. “Oh, that is swanky . Does this sh*t actually exist in Hell?” The loan shark nodded. “Mhm. But don’t think any sinner or normal hellborn can get it- f*ck, an Overlord can’t get stuff like this.”

The humans gape at the sheer difference between Stolas’ luxury and Blitzo’s office, taken aback by the purple curtains and the gold-tipped bathtub. A designer in the impromptu audience whistled. “Holy f*ck .”

“Is that guy even in Hell? I mean…”

Another person gushed at the stars floating around the area. “Oh, it’s got constellations floating around- And I love the zodiac signs under the bathtub…”

A stressed salarywoman groaned at the sight of the setup. “God, what I wouldn’t give for a relaxing bath like that… are the candles scented?

In the Malibu Bar, the scientists drinking were busy chatting, relieved that they didn’t have to deal with the ridiculous, reality-defying biologies of the sinners. The imps and hellhound were more feasible to understand.

“Oh- definitely avian. Is he a barn owl?” The scientist pulls up his phone to compare a picture, then grumbled. “Ugh- it’s difficult to classify. He’s way too slim- maybe a raven-owl hybrid?”

His coworker shrugs, sipping her drink. They’d came more prepared this time, haling around a laptop with an entire database of old biblical texts and apocrypha to search it up.

She types in Stolas’ name, and makes a scrunched-up face. “Wikipedia says he’s depicted as a crow or a great horned owl with long legs. But he’s not a great horned owl- doesn't even have the horns!”

He groans, and glances at the article. “f*ck it- at least he’s… huh. He teaches astronomy and has lots of knowledge about plants.” The scientist seems content. “Astrologists are gonna love this guy.”

One bar patron pipes up. “Hey- is that why he’s got stars and sh*t in his bathroom?”

The bartender shrugs. “Has a sunflower phone, too. Sticks with the theme, at least.”

Stolas talks to Blitzo about the grimoire, and how he needed it to do his job. He tells Blitzo that he allowed him to use it to do his own job.

The Ars Goetia watching the broadcast let out a scandalized gasp, gossiping among themselves about the revelation.

“Prince Stolas really-! And to an imp, no less!”

“How scandalous! And to think it’s probably why he hasn’t been so active lately!”

Paimon growls, his feathers fluffing up even more from the embarrassment his son was bringing to his name. Sure, he had a f*ck ton of children sired with many hellborn and nobles- but this was his reputation! The one he worked so hard to maintain for Lord Lucifer!

In an American military base, a captain squints at the screen. “So- the grimoire is his. And he says it’s for a job- what exactly does a bird like him do?”

One of his soldiers pushes a tablet to the general, the screen on the Lesser Key of Solomon. “The person of interest is a high-ranking prince, sir. Based on his description, I reckon he’s a prince of some sort, or a high-ranking magic caster.”

The captain nods, and continues watching. “Get a new file on this demon, stat. We’ve seen that not all the information on Hell is accurate from the Bible- so we’ll take the gospel with a grain of salt.”

“Roger that, sir.”

Stolas, still looking away from the screen in embarrassment, feels ashamed that he called Blitzo when he was in danger. Of course, he knew the imp was capable enough, but he shouldn’t have done that anyway.

“I… have to apologize, little impling, but I was very inconsiderate during my call! I-” Blitzo cuts him off, his voice sarcastic and annoyed. “Fine, birdbrain, but you f*cking owe me later.” Blitzo’s claws scrape a bit at his desk, secretly touched that Stolas actually apologized.

A bullet nearly hits Blitzo as he ducks and hides, Stolas still talking to him on the phone. He mentions that I.M.P.’s access to the mortal world was less than legal, and asks if Blitzo was willing to work out an exchange for it.

All of the lawyers on Earth and Hell had their ears prick up at the words “less than legally”. One human lawyer practically bolts to the living room where his roommate was listening to the broadcast, still wearing an apron and holding a dish.

“Did he say ‘less than legally’?” The man was practically vibrating in place, like he’d had too much sugar. His roommate groans.

“Yup.” The lawyer’s hand twitches, and he goes on a long ramble as he sets the dish he was washing back in the sink.

“Oh, this is going to be so interesting to hear about in the news. I wonder- what’s Hell’s legal system like?” He grins crookedly.

His roommate hits him on the head with a pillow. “Pretty sure the same as earth, because all lawyers go to hell, dipsh*t.”

“Love you too, tax evader! Don’t forget I help you dodge taxes!”

Some humans watching the broadcast in a community get-together blink. “So demons aren’t usually allowed on Earth?”

“No sh*t. We’d be seeing more of those idiots running around if that’s the case.” The girl who asked stretched back, yawning. “Besides- I think that owl’d gonna be in deep sh*t if anyone finds out. Didn’t we see Lucifer in the last transmission?”

Her friend chuckles. “Oh, yeah. Man, I feel bad for the guy.”

Both Blitzo and Stolas visibly wilted at their words, with comical “oh f*ck” expressions on their faces. Sure, you could break all the laws in Hell you wanted- but they just got caught admitting it. And Stolas was a Goetia, so the rules applied to him more than Blitzo.

Blitzo gives Stolas a look. “You think my dick’s good enough to f*ck my way outta this one?”

Stolas shakes his head with a “no”.

Moxxie was internally screeching, feeling that his paycheck was probably going to be non-existent soon. Millie comforted her wheezing husband with a few pats on the back, while Loona… well, she just kinda shrugged with Octavia looking worried.

Blitzo is clearly not paying attention, trying to avoid Martha’s gunshots. Stolas says that once a month on a full moon, Blitzo would return the grimoire to him and have a night of “passionate fornication”. After that, he would allow him to keep it the rest of the time.

The rest of the Ars Goetia collectively let out a scandalized gasp, with mortification settling over Stella’s face at her husband outwardly stating that he cheated on her with an imp. And right on broadcast, too-! At least only the Ars Goetia knew about the gossip, but now everyone in Hell did.

Some of the royal demons were slowly scooting away from Paimon, whose form was shifting and cracking from the sheer shock and rage he felt at his son. “You GAVE that blasted imp the grimoire… BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SLEEP WITH HIM?!” Paimon’s fist slammed down on the handrest, and he had to physically make himself take deep breaths to appear more presentable.

“You are in big trouble , Stolas! Just you wait until this viewing finishes!” The head Goetia snarls.

The lesser hellborn and sinners had their jaws hit the floor as they saw Stolas’s debauchery. Some succubi were cheering the owl on, clearly just hyped that there was some debauchery going on.

“Yeahhh! That imp managed to pull a Goetia !” One incubus snickered and elbowed his friend. “How good do you have to be, to be at the bottom and manage to get royalty?”

Somewhere in the Lust Ring, Verosika was lounging around, rolling her eyes. “Ugh. They’re still together… what the hell does he see in him?”

“Um, Verosika, didn’t you date-” She cuts her entourage off, scoffing. “Yeah, and? He’s a bitch with commitment issues and terrible money management.”

The humans watching the transmission are thrown another curveball, with awkward looks all around. “So you’re telling me the reason why any person can get assassinated from hell in a dodgy business… is because this guy slept with an owl.”

One woman grimaced, unsure of what to say. “I’m not sure whether I’d be pissed that a dead guy took revenge on me, or that the guy hired to kill me only got his job because he pegged a guy good enough.”

Another guy points out the imbalance in power between the two. “Hey, look- it’s kinda weird banging your boss who’s the sole reason why you’re making money? And the Stolas guy looks rich- this ain’t going to end up good if they don’t address that.”

A nearby couples therapist looks at the screen, and automatically pulls out a notepad.

Stolas begins to passionately ramble about Blitzo f*cking him, and Brlitzo cringes and closes his eyes. He’s suddenly pinned to the tree by the butt of Martha’s gun, dropping his phone.

The humans watching the broadcast are taken aback again by how horny Stolas was, to the point where his words were censored. Heck, wasn’t Blitzo already cursing? What was so bad that it had to be censored , even in Hell?

A bunch of people stare dumbfounded at the screen. “... I’m not surprised Blitzo got caught, what the hell.” The woman throws her hands up in the air. “Look, I’m a gynecologist and I’ve heard some wild sh*t, but for it to be censored?”

Someone cringed. “Well, at least we know who’s the bottom.”

If there was any way for a higher demon to get a stroke from the sheer quality of being pissed off, Paimon was close to doing it. All that came out of his mouth was half-formed sputtering and outraged sounds as all of the other Goetias were stunned silent from Stolas’ debauchery. Someone even drops their glass of wine.

One Goetia, a rather stupid but brave parrot, looks at Paimon. “... Your son takes it up the ass?”

The parrot demon was quickly strangled with a squawk and thrown outside of the stained-glass window, landing on the hedge below.

The rest of the Goetias wisely decide to stay quiet.

Stolas winces at how he caused Blitzo to be in danger, and reaches out again. “Blitzy?” The taller imp simply grumbles, sinking more into his office chair. “Are… stars, Blitzy- I messed up. I-”

“Just- STOP talking about it, okay?! You messed up once, you said sorry- it’s fine!” Blitzo hisses, clearly not liking how Stolas was fretting over him. After all, that was all what the prince saw him as, right? Just a good lay?

(It wasn’t fair, Blitzo thought, being reminded of how Stolas was probably with him just for sex. After all, the two never really talked about what was truly between them, between all the long nights and short days.)

Martha revels in catching the imp, asking if they were there to drag her and her kin to Hell. She presses the gun harder into Blitzo, telling him that she’d “send them back where they came from”.

Father Smith has an unsettled feeling crawl up his spine. “Wait- she’s antagonistic towards the imp. And with the way she's wording it… it implies that she’s not a devil worshiper.”

He sets down his drink. “If she and her family aren’t worshiping any demons, or Lucifer… who are they worshiping?”